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something i find hard to explain to people is that i get hateful thoughts about everyone. if you’re my friend i’ve probably at some point thought about how much i hate you and find you annoying and some horrible stuff, but then i interact with the person and (usually) that feeling fades, and then comes back again. it’s a back and forth, but it’s hard to explain to people that while yes im thinking about how much i hate you, it isn’t actually a real feeling and its rarely permanent.
Splitting (psychology)
I don't know why the guy, who I thought was an ideal best friend, started to treat me as I am his worst enemy. I also questioned why I idealised him or other people during some periods of time. While googling for answers, I encountered the idea of “splitting” in psychology. Splitting (also black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking) is a failure in person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of others or/and the self into a cohesive, realistic whole. Instead, this person tends to think in extremes e.g. “that guy=evil”, while ignoring the good about this person or interpreting “the good” as “the hidden evil”. It is a common defence mechanism to protect us from unbearable feelings, is normal for kids, but abnormal for adults.
The relationships of such people, who experience the splitting sometimes or always, can be unstable and are intensely emotional. For example, the person A can perceive his/her partner as a soulmate, loving person, but, vice versa, can start perceiving his/her partner as a virulent person with lots of flaws. If you question the person A, s/he can tell at good times: “I am not aware of imperfections in my partner or they are minor or will definitely go away” and at bad times: “my partner B, of course, had good traits, did good in the past, and now probably there’s something good in him/her”. However, this way of speaking "I see positive and negative traits at the same time" may have been adopted from others, and the reality is – the person A may be blinded by the “goodness” or “badness” of the partner B.
Additionally, splitting makes people to have “mood swings” and identity diffusion, e.g. “this week I feel so good, believe in and value myself” and “the previous week I lost all hope in my change and I am just totally bad”. These people struggle to figure out who they are, and this can lead to depression. Some other signs of psychological splitting:
• Perceiving somebody as an exceptionally bad or good person (even if it is only at specific times) • A varying perspective of others that changes from positive to negative and back again • Raising one’s own esteem by belittling others who think differently • Constantly changing one’s mind over important issues • Changing one’s self-image to suit the circumstances • Aggressive personality • When in fight with the partner, you feel as the world is crumbling • You go through cycles of “I love you”, “I don’t need you”, “don’t leave me”, “I hate you” • You want perfect relationship • In fights, you perceive yourself exclusively as the victim and/or someone who is totally right How might you be using psychological splitting? • To justify unreasonable behaviour e.g. you don’t understand someone’s actions which hurt you • To portray yourself as the real victims e.g. criminals can start even to believe in their innocence or that they were manipulated
I have found an old scientific paper by Burland (1994) “Splitting as a consequence of severe abuse in childhood”, where abuse means emotional or physical abuse. I have not checked other papers.
A possible cure for such people: force yourself to write down positive, negative and neutral traits of a person who you perceive in one light only. It is hard to be objective, but, hopefully, the practice will help. Be willing to prove yourself wrong, whether you put another person on a pedestal or seeing him/her as a devil. Also, look deeply into situations such as arguments in particular e.g. Was your partner really annoyed with you, or was he/she just trying to expel and unload stress? Was your partner really seeking to hurt your feelings, or were they just trying to protect themselves and their fragile self-esteem?
I think I had this splitting mechanism active at times when idealised partners or when I saw my parents and Vanja & his father as pure evil (I still struggle to see enough “good” in my parents, but I think I should one day to make my life easier). I also think the person X and my mother saw me in the worst and best lights at times. Interesting. I hope they and I change to the best.
Reminding myself that all-or-nothing thinking is usually wrong.
Like, I should eat veggies, in general. There are some pre-made salads from the grocery store that I like. They don't last very long, so I can't get a whole week's supply when I do my weekly grocery run. Which is what I want to do, so when I can't, my brain wants to just throw the whole idea out.
But!!! It's not an all-or-nothing thing! I can get a two or three day supply when I go shopping, because they last for about 2-3 days. And eating salads on SOME days is indeed better than eating salads on no days.
How far away are you from 0 are you?
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Black and white thinking is useful sometimes, but mostly, it can just suck. If it gets in your way, here's an exercise you can use to break it. Enjoy :)
