Kylo Ren has been the Resistanceâs prisoner for two weeks and three days when the nameless soldier standing guard says, âI had a holo of you over my bed when I was younger.â
Kylo stares up at the ceiling, watching the Force-shield around his cell ripple blue. He wishes he had his mask back, the anonymity of it. The kindest thing Snoke had done for him was to bury Ben Organa behind a wall of black and banish his name from everyoneâs mouths. (Youâre free, Snoke had said, gentle and heavy as loss. I have set you free of him.)
That wasnât me, Kylo Ren wants to tell the Resistance soldier, or maybe, Youâre still pretty kriffing young. Instead, he shuts his eyes, breathes out. The metal bed is cold beneath him, and heâs tired, he canât keep fighting for every inch. Thereâs no point to it anyway.
âWas it the one from the standardized education campaign?â he asks. âI hated that holo, my ears look like satellites.â
Thereâs a pause, then the soldier stammers: âUhâno, it was from the Concordance Anniversary Ball. I cropped it from the holonews.â
The memory returns to him sluggishlyâhe had been sixteen, and furious that this was the reason his mother had sent for him; not to bring him home but trot him out at one of her functions, so that he could smile and smile and answer the same six questions about Uncle Lukeâs training, pose for the holographer with his fatherâs hand on his shoulder. Heâd fought with both of them on the way back, the last three-part screaming match of House Organa. The next morning he left Chandrila in stony silence, and Snoke had come for him soon after.
âI had a crush on you,â the soldier says, mostly sounding disappointed.
Kylo laughs, despite himselfâitâs hardly the first time, but itâs been so many years and heâd forgotten how much he hates hearing that. Ben Organa, first son of the Republic, perfect post-war poster child, at least until he started fucking up where everyone could see. (Heâd say he stopped being fit for public consumption, but the public had gone on consuming anyway, greedy for him to lose his temper in another interview, to destroy something new with the storm of Force roaring through his skull. Heâd hated this most of all, thoughâpeople looking at him, writing their expectations and wants on his skin. There had been a hundred thousand boys and girls in the New Republic with his face on their bedroom walls, and they all felt the need to say so, when they met him.Â
At least with the Force-shield, he canât sense that nauseating sickle-hunger of desire. He canât sense anything. Itâs almost a relief.)
âIâm curious, what did they say, after the attack on the Academy?â Kylo asks, trying not to sound bitter and failing. âThe General drew whispers of âVaderâ every time she raised her voice; an unforgivable sin like the death of children much have had them shouting. How did they explainâŠâ
A compound full of corpses, one conspicuously absent, but Kylo canât force the words out, choking on which pronouns to use for an event he had mostly watched through his own eyes, like a spectator to the carnage of his hands.
âEveryone knows thatâBen Organa went missing after the attack,â the soldier says, only stumbling a little on the name. âThe General took a leave of absence from the Senate, to search with Captain Solo. With the previous kidnapping attempts, it was assumedâŠâŠThey even called you âThe Lost Prince of Alderaanâ, like that holodrama.
âMaybe you should have stayed stayed lost,â the soldier adds, after a moment.
Kylo wonders how much it had cost his mother to bury the truth. âI forgot about the kidnapping attempts,â he says quietly.
(Four, by the time he was old enough to send away to Lukeâs. And two assassination attempts. He had forgotten.)
âMy life has been pretty miserable, I canât be expected to keep track of every awful thing that happened in it,â Kylo says, hating the lazily-amused tinge to his voice. He always reminds himself of Han Solo when he sounds like that. He can feel âkidâ fighting its way from behind his teeth.
âYou brought most of that misery on yourself, Kylo Ren.â
âI know,â he says, because he had. It had been the second-kindest gift Snoke ever gaveânot the promise that the suffering would go away (the suffering would never go away) but that it would be his. Properly his. He would be black and faceless and terrible and no one would look at him, but if they did, it would be for his own sake, not the Republicâs. Not his motherâs. Snoke had always been very honest about what he was offering, the terms he offered it on. Kylo just hadnât ever sat down and thought them through to their logical conclusion.
Now Snoke is dead, so it doesnât really matter.
âWhat happened to you?â the Resistance soldier asks. âI meanâfuck, you were such a cute kid, such a good kid. You were going to be a Jedi.â
Kylo Ren opens his eyes, watches the ripple of the Force-shield, like the shimmer of heat, like water. He says, finally, âThat wasnât me.âÂ