The Inventor of Toaster Strudel

Too gay to function (Its only okay when I say it)

[sashayed]

the other day a doctor told me that "the best way to make [something i should do but never want to do] routine is to put it on your calendar!" and i found myself completely buh-- hhuh?-- about how to respond. i was stupefied by the gulf between our worlds. i looked into her kind eyes and i thought "put it on my what?" shoot it into space? i did not know how to explain to this extremely functional woman that an obligation to myself, with no stronger enforcer than my own words on a calendar, is to me a tattered codex from a lost religion. like this text is maybe historically interesting but not useful as a structure around which to build a life. what am i now going to write that will (or indeed should!) have any authority over me later? WALK? i don't know her life! and in what world would i respect directives left to me by a complete stranger (me from two days ago) whomst i have every reason to distrust (ate all the entemann's and put our keys in the laundry)? put it on my calendar. ok, dr goodbrain. but in the moment i nodded like a grinning toy monkey and dutifully thumbed WALK! into my phone at 4 p.m. Repeat: Every Day like that would have any effect on my actual behavior. sometimes it takes an enormous amount of optimism to be a person and frankly i admire us all for trying to do it

[accordionsrule-deactivated20240]

I tried to do this once but I was stoned and put it on my band calendar instead of my personal one so for several months every tuesday my bandmate would, without any context, get a calendar notification that just said "RUN"

[sashayed]

thank you

[nativenews]

[starjasmines]

i still think about this constantly sorry nia

[nerdygaymormon]

[raspberryrot]

the art vs the muse

[paper-mario-wiki]

just got doordash from a woman named "Olga" and I thought oh interesting, I feel like you only ever hear that name used to describe old russian ladies and I opened the door to get it and a barrel chested woman in a quilted overcoat greeted me. i said "thank you, Olga!" and she perked up with the sweetest smile, and said in the kindest voice, with the clearest ringing russian accent ive ever heard in person, "you're welcome darlink".

everything is gonna be okay, you guys. the world is amazing.

[dinkywinks]

this scene from the goes wrong show where they cast two different people as the head and hunky, semi-nude body of the same character during a live theatre production haunts my every waking moment

[gaysemiotics]

Now THIS is physical comedy

[borgesperovago]

[x]

[memewhore]

[anger-birb]

[kitstacean]

Im gonna shill for Marie Kondo again but this is why I find her books (yes, books, the TV show is fun but ultimately misses a lot of the core ideas) so good.

A lot of home org advice fully misses this aspect. Kondo not only acknowledges it, but leans into it. And ultimately this helps motivste me to keep my space tidy - it's really hard to me to keep on the nebulous goal of self-care, but much easier to get up and put things away if I envision my salt and pepper grinders as like, retail workers who are now standing in an empty shop (my dining table) and just wanna go home (the spice rack where they live).

Normie tidying process: that heater should be put away for summer! I mean, I'm not gonna need it

Me: well it's just chilling and also I can't be arsed.

Kondo: that heater has done a good job keeping you warm over winter and now it should get to go have a rest in the cupboard

Me: !! Sabbatical for my heater!! Thank you for your service sir and have a very nice break!

[wormofmouth]

just saw a tiktok or something where the person was saying they did this and they were on a hike and they were like "i managed to get myself to go on this hike because i promised my boots we would go" and its like. OH YEAH. THAT.

[generaln0m]

ADHD pro tip: Use psychological warfare on yourself.

For example, in order to do long tasks, like folding laundry, I put on the Mario Hat:

The main feature of the Mario hat is that my headset does not fit over it, so when The Bees™ try to put me back in front of the screen, the headset issue forces me to remember why I put the Mario hat on, and back to the task I go

As a bonus, the Mario hat is also a very clear indicator to my housemates that business is getting done, and they have learned not to distract me when I'm wearing the "goofy-ass cosplay hat"

It's not stupid if it works.

[roach-works]

when i was in like eleventh grade i noticed i had gotten too gunshy about saying things and talking to people because i was scared that they would view me with contempt. i decided that to fix this i would wear a very stupid hat at all times, so that when i would think 'i can't say that, it sounds stupid' i would realize 'well, i already look stupid, so nothing is stopping me.'

i wore this for like a year and a half during a very formative age and it worked perfectly. mean kids would be like 'do you think that hat actually makes you cool' and i would go 'no but it does give me unearned confidence' and i was right. it worked great. i completely stopped second-guessing whether or not what i had to say was stupid or embarrassing because no one could embarrass me more than i had already embarrassed myself. i had a great time, shared a million stupid opinions, and made lots of friends who forgave me my hat.

i do not recommend this method to anyone else.

[casper-ghostly]

[marinella-ela]

[larkandkatydid]

I have known multiple women who had beautiful German Shepherds who loved them, tolerated their children and bit their shitty husbands all the fucking time at the drop of a hat. The one I remember most strongly was a friend of my parents when I was about nine and utterly enthralled with her beautiful shepherd named Watson who patiently endured my obsession. Specifically, I remember the husband cautioning my mom about it and my mom responding, “oh Jesus, Steve, we all know Watson only bites you.”

I’m not a responsible enough dog trainer to have a German Shepherd but I admire this trait so much.

[larkandkatydid]

Watson looked to my child self like one of the wolves from Twilight (huge, fluffy, majestic) and did not like annoying children and I loved him so much and could not leave him alone and he never bit me. Steve, a serial philanderer, once allowed his shadow to cross over Watson’s face and needed seven stitches.

[larkandkatydid]

German shepherds are dogs who make moral choices.

[thoughtstherapy]

Images that you would probably not see again @thoughtstherapy

[thedankmemes]

[brightwanderer]

Extremely Important Update: in April 2023 the World Bird Sanctuary had an orphaned eagle chick in need of care, so they decided to see if Murphy could live up to his parental ambitions.

He successfully raised the chick, which is now thriving with the other juvenile eaglets!

Congrats Murphy, you made it happen through sheer determination.

(Pictures are from the Facebook page of the World Bird Sanctuary; I can’t link them directly because I don’t have a FB account and the site is a nightmare to interact with if you’re not logged in, constantly resetting and kicking you to registration pages.)

[lakevida]

man with excellent self restraint dismayed to realize that not wanting anything is more likely a depression symptom than a carefully honed skill that atones for other aspects of his character

[defectivegembrain]

babygirl I'm bothered by noises you wouldn't even hear

[defectivegembrain]

wrote this about sensory issues but people relating because of hallucinations or tinnitus or anything else I am shaking your hand in solidarity if you are comfortable with that