Loner

What’s the meaning of anything if you can’t find yourself?

[iamrian]

And after all this time, beneath all the smiles and laughter, hidden in the corner of my eye, the thought of unaliving myself is still there. Not as rigorous, but more silent and painful, like a knot on my neck that would tighten as time goes by, like lying in the bath tub with the water running.

[iamrian]

You know, I really want to feel like this again:

Waking up in the morning because I want to, not because I have to.

[iamrian]

Since it’s April Fools’, I guess I’m fine with everything.

[iamrian]

My dad told me to stop lying.

In a moment, I thought about telling him everything, the truth, about how I would starve myself everyday until I can’t take it, about how I go to sleep every night not wanting to wake up anymore, about how I think about disappearing and killing myself every minute that passes by, about how I’ve been isolating myself because everything feels too much and I’m constantly overwhelmed by anything that happens, about crying every god damn day, about how not fine I really am and how tired I am.

But again, he only wants to know why I lied about having eaten lunch when I didn’t.

[iamrian]

i really don’t know how to be alive anymore.

i guess i reached my expiration date already.

[iamrian]

I often feel like my time is paused, like I know time is still passing by but it just feels like only my time is stopped. It’s like I’m not just stuck but frozen in that exact moment, that exact emotion and those exact thoughts.

I find myself trying not to do anything to not disturb the memories I treasure and protect it from any other emotions. As if I was done, as if I could finally be free from this life, as if this is finally the end for me.

[iamrian]

It just feels like I’m doing everyone a favour when I die.

[disqualified-human-1103]

I can’t imagine a future. It feels as if I’m not meant to be here

[iamrian]

sorry if i sound too depressing to you.

i feel so terribly lost in a world so big but at the same time, trapped in a world so small.

just how many lies do i have to tell and how many smiles do i have to fake to have someone look straight at me in the eyes and tell me to stop pretending?

they talk about me like they know me and i find it so funny cause i don’t even know myself.

i mean, what can i do now? where do i even go? people say fairy tales are the biggest myth that was told to children, but i don’t think so.

Home, home is the biggest myth, at least for me. Anywhere I go, I can’t find home, and for home is what brings you peace, I can’t find my peace.

[iamrian]

It really shows how complicated and problematic I am when all my friends think of me as someone who is very careful and considerate while my family think the total opposite: a careless, selfish girl who can’t even take care of herself.

I guess that also means how good I am at hiding my problems and sadness from my family and they don’t even have a clue how suicidal I am.

[iamrian]

I honestly don’t know what happened to me that made me feel this way. I guess I just woke up not wanting to live anymore.

[iamrian]

It’s like my life was robbed from me right in front of my eyes, but I don’t even know if I have the rights to ask for it back.

It’s my life but why do I feel guilty whenever I want to live it my way instead of my family’s?

[iamrian]

…Nhưng tao vốn dĩ chẳng có chút dũng khí hay can đảm để tự mình chấm dứt mọi thứ.

[iamrian]

Birthday wish

Ngày sinh nhật của em đến một cái bánh kem cũng không có. Ba em, người vốn có thể nhớ rõ hết mọi thứ trong công việc, và cả mẹ em, cũng chẳng nhớ. 

Nhưng có lẽ vậy cũng may, vì em chẳng muốn lời ước sinh nhật của mình lại là được chết đi. Như thế thì buồn lắm, vì sở dĩ vào những ngày còn lại, lúc nào em cũng ước mình được như thế.

[iamrian]

There comes a time after suffering for so long when you feel so certain about not giving a fuck about anything or anyone anymore.

[metamorphesque]

― 1Q84, Haruki Murakami

[text ID: I am nothing. I’m like someone who’s been thrown into the ocean at night, floating all alone. I reach out, but no one is there. I call out, but no one answers. I have no connection to anything.]

˗ˏˋ☕ˎˊ˗

[iamrian]

and no matter what i do or where i look, i still can’t find myself. it seems like I have walked away from myself, and nothing could ever bring me back.