The world is yours

Films 2016 // Films 2015 // Tags♡

[idle-lyla]

dear sergio,

i grew up scared of dogs. if it were just up to me, i don't think we would ever get you. but 9 years ago, daddy, ej, and ayis picked you up from a breeder and took you home. we were children (well i was a teen) and so were you. even though i was the least excited about it, i have to admit that you were the cutest chicken nugget, who, in a few days would cause such a riot in the living room. *cue nicole's phobia of unruly dogs* i remember how you would jump on everything, bite furniture, and run through every nook and cranny with the most limitless energy ever. it was unreal.

soon after, you took permanent residence of the cage at the garage. you grew up so fast. whenever you tried to jump up and stand on two legs, you could reach half our height already. that's how big and strong you were!!! i was so scared of you then, but now i just wish i mustered enough courage to play with you more or maybe take you out on walks. i wish i got to savor your playful and energetic teenage years. later, as you matured into an adult dog, you remained very sweet and clingy but with a tamer energy i could finally handle. i liked petting you and scratching your face. i like being gigil around you.

sergio, i will always remember you as our sweetest and kindest dog. you never fought with the stray cats who eat your food and you even befriended them. i don't think you can even hurt a fly.

it was heartbreaking to see you struggle since january. you were so full of life until cancer made its way through your body. it hurt when you wouldn't look at us each time we opened the gate or called your name. it hurt more when you couldn't stand up at all and could only eat and drink through a syringe. but i will never know how much it hurt from your side of things. but we love you sergio, and i hope you felt that even when the sickness was spreading through you.

when we found out you had cancer, we knew there wasn't a lot of time. it turns out we had 6 days. i'm not the best person to take care of you but i hope you liked that i spent my wfh days that week working beside you outside. i hope you felt comforted by my company.

it was 8 AM on February 8 when you said goodbye to ayis. they woke me up from a restless sleep (i had been thinking about you). we spent three hours with you before they took you away for cremation. i was petting you the whole time (if only i could hug you). we said our prayers. we watched that video of you singing while ayis was playing the piano. it was your most peaceful state in weeks --your color came back and your tummy looked full. it was as if you were your back to your old self, just sleeping. how i wish you were just sleeping.

sergio, it has been a great blessing to have known you and to have felt your warmth and enthusiasm each time we step out the door to the garage. for the past 9 years (save for your last month), you never missed a day in welcoming us, golden retriever style: wagging tail, slightly excessive drooling, excited eyes, and jumping around (especially when you were younger). you have always been a pure and loving soul - even when i was scared of you, even after vacations when we would leave you for more than a day (you didn't deserve that), even when we're too busy to spend time with you. i hope that despite all these, you still felt loved and that you enjoyed your life with us and that if you had a say in it, you would still choose us as your family.

this morning, a day after you left us, i stepped out for my usual silly little run and i think my heart died a little when i saw the empty garage. i love you and i will always miss you.

[bakwaaas]

to have failed is a sign you tried…. the mistakes, the relationships that didn’t make it, the job you didn’t get, the plans that fell through…. you tried, you lived, you loved.

[octoberloved]

[idle-lyla]

hello, i haven't been here in years! so much has changed, mostly and unbelievably for the better (but never ever perfect).

a few days ago, i had my first real valentine's date. it was an absolute dream and a glaring reminder that life can be soft and it has not forgetten about me.

yesterday, we extended the celebration by going to Art Fair, which was also my first one ever. although tiring, i had the best time seeing so much art and being surrounded by people enjoying it too. art has never been my thing, but i'd like to believe i'm someone who has always been open to new experiences.

before manuel drove me home, we stopped by his house, only to discover that his brother and his brother's gf were just in the art fair too. we were then caught in an impromptu debriefing about pieces that caught our eyes. through exchanges of photos and anecdotes, i found myself growing distant from the conversation.

it's a strange feeling. i didn't have much to say about the art and i never really pictured myself getting to a place that could afford it. and so i just smiled and laughed when needed to. i couldn't identify with them and it wasn't the first time i felt this way. i remember how anxious i was the first time manuel invited me to eat lunch at his house. his family was respectful and welcoming but i just felt so guarded and so eager to please them. i couldn't initiate a conversation with them because i was too afraid to mess it up or to expose myself enough for them to dislike me. and so, i limited myself to answering their questions and making non-value adding side comments like saying how good the chorizo balls were.

although manuel reassures me that his family likes me and i've only had maybe 3-4 interactions with them, i am pestered with anxiety and i feel obligated to acknowledge it. i feel like an imposter not knowing what to add to talks of favorite country clubs, art pieces, or people in their social circle. it's as if i am transported to a different universe.

don't get me wrong though. i am my true self in manu's company alone. i have never felt so safe and so seen with anyone else in this lifetime. it means a lot to me that he is welcoming me to his world so it feels like a crime to act like an intruder in it.

at our last office christmas party, a boss drunkenly told me, "the only important thing is your relationship with him. nothing else matters." i've been trying to hold on to that advice. i owe it to myself and manuel to always try.

[comfortfrogblog]

[idle-lyla]

i made a list of things i have to read before possibly doing something bad for me — 

you go to my office high. you drive me home high. you get overly touchy and reckless when you're high. you smoke everyday. you say you don't have enough money but you spend as much as 20k for weed and psychedelics every other month. also, your weed pipe looks like a fat dildo.

you don't want to be seen with me in public. there's always a pretty dress put to waste.

my therapist says you are a narcissist who's been alternating between love bombing and devaluing me the past three years. this cycle has destroyed my self-worth and self-respect for the sake of building yours. at first i found this hard to believe because you never appeared self-obsessed. my therapist said, narcissists have low self-esteem but hide it very well. you appear charming and accomplished to the world with your meaningful career and advocacies. you invite me to group meditations where you speak about lovingkindness, as if you were a priest preaching the gospel. you are worse than most men, because you go out of your way pretending that you are not like most men. you are smart with your deception. truth is, you have never been good in your personal relationships, you only want an audience so people can think that you are capable of goodness. looking back, you have only been nice to me so you could take advantage.

you never say sorry. you have taken away my freedom in saying what's on my mind. whenever i feel bad and try to communicate it, you twist my story to turn yourself into the victim, so much so that i end up apologizing and regretting i ever said anything to hurt you. now i overthink the validity of my emotions rather than accepting them as they come.

you bring out the worst in me. i forget to take care of myself. non-stop crying in the hospital, in the shower, in the grab ride home. i was told i was showing PTSD symptoms.

this relationship has driven me away from my family and friends.

it was not always consensual.

it hurts that you talk to too many girls. it makes me feel very disposable. it hurt so much that day we were watching netflix on your phone and a message notification flashed on your screen. you feigned innocence and acted like it was a message from a friend.

you have daddy issues. you hate him but you are so much like him.

messy room. messy life.

i thought it was a bit romantic how we have kept this alive for so long, how we have managed to live our own lives and meet other people, only to cross paths again in the end. but i now realize that you are never letting me go, not because you (could) love me, but because you needed me to boost your ego up. you will always want me but you will never care for me.

[handoferis]

society if men felt even half the guilt i do

[idle-lyla]

Dear God, I was scared the whole time.

a completely new body would be nice.

[ramdaughter]

your bare minimum isn’t actually that bare or minimum. my dad once told me that there’s nothing in this world that’s easy and that’s true tbh. everything we do takes energy, time, and effort. even the little things. if you feel like you’re not doing enough please try to think about your circumstances and what’s currently available to you: chances are, there’s something that’s diverting or otherwise draining you. and to pull away from that and get something done regardless? well, i think that’s really admirable! please try to take pride in the things you do accomplish in a day, no matter how small or trifling you perceive them to be. you can’t be proud of your growth if you don’t notice where you already are!

[ramdaughter]

no offense but this conversation was literally a major turning point in my life

[gulistan-blog]

㋡🥀

Seascape...

[alisonzai]

[idle-lyla]

[anditslove]

Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

[idle-lyla]

loving and leaving

here goes a shout into the void because that's what you do with a best kept secret, you throw it wistfully to an unknown listener, hoping you'll feel understood.

i wish this relationship could find a way into daylight, into casual conversation, but it would be silly of me to think it ever will. so let me remember this day in this way anyway, out of need. out of comfort.

it's still hard to wrap my head around everything that had happened. the intensity, the rush of it all. i haven't seen you in more than six months (if the last time in your office even counts as seeing you at all) and for a while, i thought that was the last of us.

-

it felt nice to be held like there was no one else you wanted more. i felt like i had you then, if only briefly. nothing else mattered because you were looking at me, hugging me, making me feel loved all over.

we ate burgers for dinner, we talked about our families and tv shows we liked.

when we got too tired, we napped and you never let go of me the whole time. you’re a light sleeper and i was careful not to move too much. when it got too hot, i would attempt to break free from your embrace, but you only pulled me in tighter, engulfed in your arms and legs. there was no place better in the world.

i've never done this before — the intimacy of learning how someone you love sleeps.

i spent the night at your place unintentionally. like a teenager gone loose, i woke up at 6am to a bunch of angry texts from my mom asking where i've been. but even then, i felt no urgency to leave.

--

you are a creature of habit. everyday, you eat three pieces of pandesal for breakfast. that day, the bakery was shocked to see you buy five.

i have never seen breakfast as a form of intimacy before. but it felt the same as undressing: eating bread, sipping coffee, Etta James on the background. we played with Bernie for a while and scanned through your flash cards for your interview that morning (what an ugly penmanship lol). then, you went back to your room and listened to sharon salzberg while i jumped into the shower. after, we hugged and kissed some more. i wish i could enjoy this fully. i wish i could spend more mornings here but the fact stands, it's only me that yearns for this.

it's so hard to control my emotions during these times. i know i can't be too happy. i can't make a big deal out of things, even though they're always big moments for me. it's so hard having to repress myself from feeling all my feelings just to be the cool and chill girl that will match your nonchalance. deep down, i'm going crazy from trying to process everything that happened and it's equally crazy that it was just an ordinary night for you.

so what do i do then with this memory, what do i do with this love?

[lilllium]

—Lilllium, from In Place Of The Mirror is a Portait of You

[idle-lyla]

snippets of a letter from May 4, 2020

[medievalswords]

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”

[gnascher]

when audre lorde said “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare”

[darkalleysunflower]

when Jenny Slate tweeted, “As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain&more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love”