Fangirl/artist/hungry

If you saw a spelling mistake/ typo, no you didn’t.

[themenacewhowrites]

I posit that Prime Shane Hollander does not so much have “an ass” as he has a truly improbable mass of lower back-glute-hamstring-thigh muscles that are to be thanked for outstripping all the long-legged players in every speed contest on the ice ever.

This is not just “what a fine ass” in passing. This is 100% Beefcake Territory. It is not sculpted like a Greek statue. It is built like a Mack Truck. This is the inspiration for bulldozers. There is so much going on. Is it picturesque? Only for anatomy and physiology textbooks, probably under “proportional and healthy bodybuilder’s musculature” or something.

This is not your average aesthetic specimen. This is not your sleek little thoroughbred racehorse. This is a thick-ass draft horse who could pull a brick house off its foundations.

This is a 5’10” hockey player that can go 0 to 30 miles per hour in two seconds flat.

His barbell squats are the stuff of nightmares.

Nobody wants to work out next to him. He uses half the plates in the gym for his “easy day” workouts. It’s worse if he’s bulking.

Every single set of muscles has a spot on his workout list. It is an unending cycle of every quarter getting leveled up, like the video game psychos who level up every stat at the same rate for the whole game instead of focusing on the “important” stuff first.

His hip adductors and abductors are of a size that should be studied, and their flexibility on paper should be a joke, but his yoga absolutely is not.

Resistance training? Those are not exercise bands, Hollander. Those are gaskets for an fifty-ton industrial vehicle. Where did you even get them? Is it even legal for you to have them?

He gets bullied into participating in the “crack a watermelon with your thighs” challenge, and he makes it look so easy.

Box jumps? Mister five-foot-ten does a disgusting sixty-six inch jump.

That “fight” with Scott? The only reason Shane “Thunder-Thighs” Hollander moved at all when his teammates pulled him away was because he hadn’t set his skates and decided he wasn’t moving, actually. And what do you mean having skates on means you can be moved across the ice easy when someone wants to move you? Nobody ever told him that. Shane Hollander sets his skates and that’s the end of the negotiation. Between his beefcake-ness and skill in wearing knife-boots, forget moving him if he doesn’t want to be moved.

(This is not done. I just… got tired… I’m adding more all the time.)

[ragehangover]

on the topic of shaneandilya vs. the centaurs media machine. i would be very very interested in like. actual professional conflict between harris + the centaurs new reputation as a gay athlete utopia and shane specifically. shane went to the sidcros school of saying a lot of words but also nothing of substance at all. nothing political. nothing personal. fun anecdotes that just reword the question he was asked. given how shane in particular is treated after being outed, that he is the one person completely ostracised by his team, there is not a universe where i feel he would tolerate his relationship or personal life being used as fluffy content for the centaurs tiktok page. harris wants to show the world shaneandilya’s loving, respectful relationship and how they support each other in the room. he wants them to reveal how they met, their favourite memories, what it was like playing against each other. maybe one of those couple guessing games. shane refuses outright and will not budge. harris asks on behalf of the queer fans, the kids in ottawa who might grow up to be drafted as centaurs in the future. shane declines again. harris, gently, tells shane that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, and the centaurs support him and ilya completely. shane asks if the centaurs will continue to support them if he refuses to be milked for viral bits. harris is perhaps thinking — unkindly — that shane is still repressing his sexuality, and denying his and ilya’s right to publicly love each other the way everyone deserves. he asks why shane is so reluctant to even consider it when the centaurs have been so welcoming to him and troy. shane replies well maybe that’s because when you came out as gay it wasn’t a top story on cnn, harris.

[freezethismoment]

harris goes around filming the centaurs and asking if they would fight a teammate for him and everyone says yes immediately and he says what if it was luca haas and they’re like ooh….. no. expect troy probably. troy would be like i would Kill anyone on this team for you. ❤️

[shanesloverboy]

Hayden Pike plays on the first line of one of the most prestigious teams in all professional sports with hockey god Shane Hollander and was his alternate captain. Stop taking Ilya's chirps about him being a bad player seriously, being a dick is Ilya's love language.

[mymultifandomhell]

hello ilya 🥰 / ?

[rainbow-femme]

Everyone sees a post-retirement Shane meltdown coming a mile away unless they find something to fill the hockey shaped hole in his brain, and someone casually throws out Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Shane figures well why not, can’t hurt to go to one class and see how it feels

He goes in and immediately, day one, gets his ass absolutely handed to him. Slammed to the ground, choked out, beat to shit, no rest no mercy the entire time and he LOVES it. Getting pushed and tested, needing to figure out strategy, fully working his muscles and getting thrown around. He comes home bruised and sore and can’t wait to go back

Ilya isn’t super sure at first about his husband getting recreationally beat up, especially after going to a practice early on and getting nauseous from watching people choking Shane and purposely putting him in so much pain he’s forced to tap out. The spouse of another person at the gym says to wait a few months before trying to watch again

But after a while he starts regularly hearing Shane laughing and Anya happy barking from other parts of the house, and walking in to find the two playfully wrestling around. Or when they watch the Pike kids they all want turns to get flipped around and wrestled by uncle Shane

And then of course one day Shane texts Ilya saying he wants Ilya to help him learn a triangle submission, and he adds a winky face and Ilya is just ??? Ok? I guess? But then he looks one up and well. That sure. Uh. That sure would be his husbands big strong sweaty thighs locked around his head and you know maybe he shouldn’t be too hasty to judge this hobby

Very soon Ilya is looking up moves for them to “practice” and he starts to see the appeal of his big strong husband being able to manhandle him and also anyone else. When he finally goes to watch another practice he sees Shane taking down guys six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier with ease and no actually so sorry they can’t go out to eat with everyone afterwards he needs to get his hot sweaty husband home immediately

The hockey world struggles to hide how pissed they are the first time Shane wins a tournament because of course he can’t retire normally and had to go and become the best at something else, specifically something that means he could beat the shit out of any of them if he wanted

[lilacsandlavenders57]

the silt of her wedding bed the pebbles where you lay your head love, come in! the water is fine

[mutinsfromthemoon]

theyre snuggled up together on the lounge chair under the beach umbrella. shane kissing ilya’s neck and then stopping to look at his husband and ilya ask “why did you stop?” and shane chuckles and cups ilya’s face and kiss his lips. then looks at him again and ilya ask “what’s going on?” and shane says “i love you so much” and ilya gives him a peck and says “i know” shane snorts pinching ilya’s stomach making him laugh and shane says “that’s not the right answer, ilya” and ilya hold shane’s chin gives him another peck and says “i love you” and shane says “i know” and laughs and ilya tackles him

[mutinsfromthemoon]

shane very frustrated after losing his first game after he joined the cens. it wasn’t a big loss but still stings. he wanted to win all, he needed to win all. he can’t let people think less of him after he left the montreal metros in such a disappointing way, practically thrown away from a team he worked his ass off for a decade. he was walking through the tunnel towards the locker room, carrying his helmet in his hand, face down. muttering to himself already thinking about everything he done wrong and can work it out to become better later. then he hit something solid and bounce back a little and then look up and he came face to face with his husband. he pauses and it hits him, he’s not going home by himself anymore after losing a game, ilya is right there. he says with his voice choked up “oh you are really here” and ilya just opens his arms and shane just collapses right into them and ilya coos “it’s okay sweetheart we’re together now, yes?” stroking his hair and shane tries to nod against his husband’s neck and just tightens his arms around him. losing just doesn’t hurt that bad anymore, he has ilya.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

ilya jolted awake in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, waking up shane as well worried and asking while massaging ilya’s back “ilya, is everything okay?” and ilya looks at his husband, pale and panting “i had a nightmare that rose didn’t clock that you’re gay and you two got married” and shane just stares at him for a second before bursting out laughing and pulling ilya back down into his arms, still shaking with laughter and ilya just whines against his chest “it’s not funny shane, it was terrifying”

then somewhere in LA there’s a rose landry having a fantastic dream where she’s pegging shane

[apoisondartfrog]

their internal thoughts in that one scene:

david hollander: oh shit i wasn’t supposed to see that. i have invaded his space and seen something he didn’t want known. he was hiding away in the cabin with a man. because he wasn’t ready to come out yet. he didn’t want us to know and now i know. wait that’s rozanov! what the fuck is he doing with rozanov? oh no that felt judgy of me. hold on am i being homophobic right now? i’m intruding and it was a secret and - fuck i just outed my son. what if I just run. what if i signal that i didn’t see anything by simply dashing out the door. shane i promise i didn’t see anything. fuck yuna help i fucked it all up.

shane: oh man my dad’s not happy i’m gay.

ilya: oh fuck he saw me grab his ass.

[scunthotter]

Shane working on verbally complimenting Ilya more, expressing the appreciation he's alway thinking but rarely saying. He sets a little vibration alarm to go off on his smart watch every two hours. When it goes off he tries not to overthink and just says the first thought that comes to mind. Ilya is too busy to notice, feeling extremely gooey from Shane turning to him and in an earnestly serious voice saying things like "I love your smile" or "I married a fucking sniper boys" or "your new haircut is really fucking hot" or "you were a fucking beautician on that powerplay Roz."

[scunthotter]

I think when they are out and married Ilya continues the cryptic Shane picture instagram posts but now he can simply caption them as 'my husband'. Just subtle brags that also afford his Shane the privacy he deserves. Like a heavy set of dumbells, Ilya’s tattoos, or a neatly folded pile of clothes.

He also posts an annoying amount of pictures and videos of Anya, who I cannot stress enough is a very ordinary dog doing ordinary dog things like sniffing at a plant.

[cottagehillsunset]

Swimming makes you a different kind of tired, right? And Shane knows this, has grown up in and around lakes, he built his Cottage right next to a lake. Ilya does not. Yes he's an athlete but when he comes to the Cottage it's the first time he spends a longer amount of time in the water, swimming around, doing handstands, all of it.

So his first post lake nap hits hard. Ilya, freshly showered, just meant to sit down on the couch for a second but he wakes up four hours later. Half his curls pressed to the side of his head, the other fluffy because he fell asleep with his hair still a bit wet. He's got faint lines on his cheek from where his face was pressed into one of the pillows. No idea what time it is or how long he's been asleep. It takes him a minute to come back online.

"Shane?", he mumbles, not fully awake yet but already searching for Shane.

"Right here", comes Shane's voice and, oh, yes he is. Ilya blinks sleepily at him. It takes him another minute to realise that his feet are in Shane's lap. One of Shane's hands is on his shin, thumb softly caressing it. In his other hand he's holding a book. Ilya watches as Shane puts his bookmark into the book, putting it on the small table next to the couch so he can give Ilya his full attention.

"Good nap?", Shane asks. And he's smiling and his eyes are warm and his thumb keeps caressing Ilya's shin and Ilya just feels so warm and safe and happy because he still can't believe he actually gets to have this. With neither of them having to rush, to leave, to pretend that they didn't want to stay in the first place.

So Ilya just nods, stretching and then settling back into the cussions. "Sorry for falling asleep", he says, voice raspy from sleep, eyes already falling closed again. Because, well. He did just fully pass out on Shane. But Shane just smiles at him, squeezing his shin.

"It's okay, Ilya. We have time. Go back to sleep, I'll be here."

And Ilya falls back asleep, safe and happy and with the promise of Shane right next to him.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

“and then he rode me so good that when i came i almost blacked out” ilya tells to a rose landry who is grinning hard fully invested in hearing about shane and ilya’s latest sexcapades then she asks “can i watch one time?” and ilya gasps offended and says “i’m not letting someone who’s already fucked my husband watch my husband having sex with me” and rose already cackling at how easy he is to wind up says “well i’m running low on shane content to get off to lately” and ilya absolutely flabbergasted goes “you are not getting off to my husband, you can’t even look at him anymore. delete every single photo of him from your phone, especially the shirtless ones” and rose smirks and goes “can’t do, i’m actually scheduled to do a peloton campaign with him next month. he’ll be all sweaty and shirtless, it’s gonna be amazing” she teases him and ilya picks out his phone already dialing and goes “no you’re not, i’m not going to let that happen” and when the person picks up he goes “mama yuna, cancel shane’s peloton campaign right now” and rose is there full on belly laughing and ilya pauses and ask “what, there’s no campaign? no, don’t schedule one then. thanks yuna, i’ll explain later” and he hangs up and turns to rose who is practically crying with laughter and he just glares and goes “you fucking little minx”

[alfart23]

From the Hollander’s photo album 🐞

[sadbitchdays]

Shane loves having assholes around him. The love of his life is a Slavic asshole, his best friend is an oblivious asshole, and his other best friend is a Québécois asshole. Not to mention the deep personal bond he immediately feels when he meets a fellow bitch.