Blue on Black

This is me, this is us, this is all and nothing. This is the beginning of one thing, and the end of others. This is me trying to make shape, sense and understanding of who I really am, and who I want to be. This is for me and whom ever tags along.I am not special, brave, heroic or anything other than on my journey. I am all my pieces with some left over, waiting to be placed.I was once too afraid to come out of the shadows, now I am too scared to stay within them. All written work is my own. Follow me on Twitter @JSwritter Finally, thank you for taking the time to read. Jade

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Loneliness

It’s the one illness we can all do something about. It is societal.

It’s the one illness we can all do something about. Loneliness is a societal illness; it is a burden of feeling excluded and unheard and invisible. It is the rise of connection in a virtual way, that has left many physically isolated. Where once there was community and the friendly neighbourhood, there is now online chat groups and hashtags to mull over. Where in the past you had to go into a…

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The art of Loneliness

The art of Loneliness

Loneliness, the art of being in a crowd of people, and feeling like you are completely alone. The lack of an understanding ear or supportive shoulder. The knowledge that no one gets ‘it’, that thing that eats at you an defies words and leaves you stranded. The ripping away of your solid foundations leaving you teetering on an edge with no support. It can be going days without speaking to anyone…

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Playback

when the past is the present in a future of the past... rewind #anxiety

I’ve replayed the same scenario in my head about a dozen times now. Each time tweaking a response, action or an outcome. Each time I’ve not been satisfied with the result and felt that I had to replay it again. Like an old-style cassette tape or video, rewinding back to the moment before the event and then replaying in slow motion to capture every single detail. Like an artist refining a detail…

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One of 'Those' days

just one of those day #depression #darkday #mentalhealthawareness

There’s a tugging on my heart. Like something is hanging itself on the tissues that hold it in place. A dangling dead weight daring me to drop it or maybe pleading with me to keep on carrying it and not to give in. These times where everything seems so meaningless and without substance. Where life feels like a burden and as if my years were stolen from someone who could be using them so much…

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To live is to judge – to Judge is to be alive

to judge is human, to be kind is more humane #kindness #bekind #wordsareweapons #mentalhealthmatters

Life is only easy if you do not care and if it has never really touched you.  Even if it has, one person’s broken nail is another’s broken heart when it comes to the impact of events. It is easy to judge hardship, trouble and impact against a measuring stick of the self. I have done it myself in the past and in all likelihood will again in the future. As much as we say don’t judge, judging plays…

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Anxiety - Again

if your anxious and you know it hide away #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness

I’ve had an anxiety ‘thing’ every day this week, that or a heart attack, I’d prefer the former. I’m not trying to sound blasé about it at all, just that it has struck me that it has become the norm very quickly for me in that it isn’t taking me by surprise. That’s not to say the crunching pain in my arms, or feeling like I can’t breathe is wanted or bearable, but that I know it is going to…

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One of them days

when you have a day like being a yoyo in a whirlwind #mentalhealthawareness #itsokaynottobeokay #anxiety

Ever had a day where it’s been like you’ve lived through four seasons in the same day? Where your mood, emotions and overall vibe has just felt out of sorts and jittery. One hour feeling top of the world, the next like you can’t breathe and then another where there’s nothing at all. It’s tiring, like competing in a triathlon and then having to take a Mensa exam. There’s no rhythm to the day, not…

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If it Makes you Happy...

If it makes you happy, what is it about the thing that does that? #behappy #happiness #mentalhealth

What makes you happy? It’s probably actually a harder question to truly answer than what you would thing it should be. The moment someone asks the question, it is very easy to look around at what is in the situation with you for inspiration. For example, right now I’m working, it’s been a tough day but I have a nice blended coffee with a glug of caramel sauce (don’t hate me), and that is making…

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A Little Truth - Personal

A Little Truth – Personal

There are some things I will never truly be over. There are things that will circle the drain of my mind and drag me down when I least expect it. I will always be scarred, and I will always have been a victim, moulded by a past that should never have been. This is fact, learnt via counselling, reading and understanding that you never really get over injuries, you heal, you scar, you adapt to the…

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Self Value

I find my own self worth is more volatile than Sterling is right now. Every single little thing can seem to be able to shift the value downwards, but also (thankfully) upwards. I end up in a quandary of wondering if I am so fragile that every little crumb helps me grow, but every little feather knock sends me crashing down. It become a circle of frustration that ultimately leads me to some…

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This Morning

This morning feels like my life does. The sun is out high in the sky, but struggling to burn through the cloud and dense mist that suffocates the Earth. There is a warmth waiting to be felt, and a light desperate to shine behind that cloak. There is a need to burn through and a fear of the outcome of doing so.

Ultimately the sun waits patiently for the shift, for the mist to dissipate and for its…

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Flux Cycle

I am in a state of not knowing where I am, where I am going, or really where I have been. I feel lost, confused, trapped and unable to claw out of that self imposed bubble. I should have all the power and be the star in my own life, but I feel terrified by the responsibility of the choices I could make. I lack courage of conviction, and you would think me weak by this, but honestly I am not weak,…

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Stress - Just a Thought

Stress – Just a Thought

‘Stress is the body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response.’

I’m a natural born stresser, it annoys and frustrates me in unequal measures, but it’s what I do. I’m often told not to stress so much, but the more I try to not, the more stressed I actually become.  \It’s a contradiction almost that the act of trying to destress causes an exponentially greater amount of…

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The Scar and the Knife

The Scar and the Knife

Sewing needle with black thread, isolated on white background.

These are the scars and I am the knife Injuries sell taught and lives undone A lie to the world to damn the own soul White wash these truths as they cannot be sold

These are the bruises and I am the harm Circling outwards from a wound deep inside The pain never seen when it’s hidden in veils Dress up these eyesores with pictures of…

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Little Things

I’m still trying to write, trying. So today I thought I’d share something a little insightful about myself. Sharing about the self is the most difficult thing to do as it means laying yourself vulnerable to outside intrusion and judgement. 

Nature, or rather being out in nature, always makes me feel a little brighter inside. There is something about watching ducks gliding across a lake,…

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My Gran

My Gran died when I was 13, I remember it vividly but with also with that tint of preconception that showers down on to all thing that have long since happened.

There are three things from her time in hospital, death and funeral most lucidly that I remember. Her eyes the last time I saw her, and the want within them to be freed from the prison the stroke and two heart attacks had put her in.…

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16th August 2014

This was the date of my last post, but it truth it was January the 30th when I really stopped blogging. Something in me changed, snapped I suppose, and the thing I loved the most in the world became marred and dirty.

Writing has become like a scar with knotted fibres that can’t be undone. Words seem lost and the will I have, the need and the desire are all hindered by a mind that has become…

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