so , it’s been a while and for some time some thing got so much better. I have been clean for a year now, and i have to thank my ex girlfriend because she helped me so much. I don’t if i talked about her in the past but she is the love of my life. A month ago she left me when i was at my worst. She said to me that she wanted to leave for a couple month but she couldn’t. She said that she was relieved when she left me , and i spend my time thinking if everything that we passed was a lie.
I feel betrayed even if she didn’t cheat on me. I feel stupid for believing in something that wasn’t even there. I feel my heart collapsing every time i think of her. I feel stupid and angry at her for making me believe that she was loving me , that she liked me. I feel so stupid.
The fact that this past month i had so much anxiety that i thought that i was gonna die because of it. I lost so much weight and the thing that i usually enjoyed now they make me feel sick.
I cant do anything about it , i cant try to win her again because of the reason she told me . She left me with no choice. She left me alone.
She promised multiple times that she wouldn’t leave me ever, and that she wouldn’t hurt me like every one else in my life. But she did in fact hurt in much way worse than everybody else.
And i can’t tell her that. That she is making me bleed from my heart. I can’t tell her because i will lose the only connection that i have with her.
She said when she left me that i was one of the most important people in her life. Lately it doesn’t feel like that. I think she knows that she is hurting me but she doesn’t care at all.
I hate how she is continuing to live her life like always and im here crying my self to sleep.
I don’t have anyone but her. I don’t talk to anyone but her. And now i cant tell her how much i miss her, i can’t tell her anything about my day, i can’t tell her how i’m doing and my problems.
I have no one to talk to. I lost everyone. Im a failure.
All i wanna do is actually cut my self so there is a time to think about anything else. I want to stop feeling like this.
I just wanna end it. I cant take it anymore.
The fact that i’m so close to end it all makes me worry. Nobody would care if i leave. I have no one to live for. I lost everyone.
What i’m still doing here?
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