Alleycatboy

[dayquil-driver]

so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch

[dayquil-driver]

reblog if i can wander into your apartment (blog) and make myself lunch (like and reblog as if it's my dash)

[fellshish]

i write for myself not for comments but dear god getting comments does so remind me of the joy of writing and sharing something

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

I didn’t mean to break your heart. I held it oh so tight, pressed my fingers together to seal up the gaps like my mother taught me when we drank from the running tap water. Made sure it wouldn’t leak through as it fluttered against my calloused palms. Please don’t get angry at me I clutched it under my shirt on the coldest of winter days, holding it to my chest as I braved the walk from my office to my car. Trying to keep it warm with by breath, my body heat. I fed it and watered it and bathed it in the small plastic bowl I used to bathe my childhood rabbit, stroking the white fur with gentle shaky fingers and childlike admiration in my eyes. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to let my fingers slip from your hand. Please spare me the indignity I’m trying to patch it together, picking up the chunks of flesh and soul and spirit from the carpet strands. Sewing them together like my home ec teacher tought me, leading the needle through the fabric of fate with messy, chunky, stitches. They’re coming undone, I can’t stop it, I’m sorry, please don’t raise your voice at me, I’m not good with yelling, I never have been, the slightest hint of irritation or disgust or anger in your voice unravels me wholeheartedly. I didn’t mean to break your heart, I promise

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

I have to keep them safe I have to keep them safe, it’s my responsibility, it’s my job, I’ll chain them to the basement floor so they forget the light of the sun against their skin. I’ll bury them in their graves before they rot, keep the predators away, they’re my responsibility, they’re my children. I’ll double triple knot their arms and legs and wrists and mouths so they can’t scream. Fair foxes prowl with ears up and eyes wide searching, hunting for my babies, I’ll keep quiet, they’ll keep quiet, I’ll force down their jaw and make them bite off their tongue, blood hitting the forest floor I can’t let them catch us I can’t let them hurt my babies it’s dangerous outside so I’ll break their legs, saw their achillies tendon as I kiss my babies injured calves. They’ll protest at first but it’s to keep them safe, I can keep them safe…. I need to keep them safe

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

I am poor with love, stingy with this heart that’s like a shattered coffee mug covered with duct tape to patch the holes. My kisses are filled with frugality, the soft brush of her lips against mine make me go dizzy with need. Such a disgusting greedy thing this heart is. My lungs like a broken furnace, humming and huffing with effort to catch my breath when she walks in. The patchy wallpaper of my skin is something I tear off and cut into compulsively, hoping to reveal something beautiful like an antique wood. But all that’s left is the white of my dermis and the blood on my hands as I count my coins, count how much kindness, how much care I can afford. This body of mine is a run down house. I can’t afford repairs, I don’t think I’m worth it. And the peeling paint, the exposed beaming, the mold inching up the walls. They are a part of me now, so I’ll bite my tongue, afraid of spending more than I can afford. This frugally lovesick man.

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

yeah my girl sorta like a dying phone fr

It’s not quite dead, you can see the vague flicker of life behind her eyes, behind the half dead screen. If the lights are low it emits a dull glow, but there’s no way to recover who she once was. There’s no way to turn her back on, to return the true light to her eyes, she’s a shell. A beautiful and glowing shell whose death is inevitable. She’s dead, but she’s not, and that makes it all the more terrible. Ah I’ll hold it tight and pray, I’ll run my fingers through her hair, dead from the heat and the dye as she shudders and shakes. Her blood staining my calloused palms, yeah my girl so empty it hurts and I’m screaming and begging and clutching the back of her dress but she’s staring blankly at the walls we painted cream.

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

yeah dude I know the writing is on the wall and our red string of fate is fraying and shredded and looping around our ankles, and yesterday I saw a black cat and I’ve broken 100’s of mirrors and our star signs aren’t compatible and I’m year of the rabbit. But yesterday I went into a coffee shop and ordered your usual, and took a picture of the mural on the Main Street wall because it reminded me of you. So screw fate, I’ll kiss your scar covered wrists and run from god’s prying eyes with the bluegreen surf kissing our heels. Who is fate to tell me not fall asleep next to you, our chests rising and falling in sync, not to hug you during sleepy Sunday mornings, not to read your favorite books and run my fingers over the printed ink knowing that your hands have held this once before me. Who is fate to tell me that I cannot love you?

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

yeah dude I’d 100% suck the barrel of your gun on my knees with tears staining my hollowed out cheeks as the metal prods at the deepest depths of my throat and tries to gag me but I look so pretty coughing and choking and grabbing your hand and carving crescents into my thighs because I’m digging my nails into the fleshy parts of my pale skin so hard droplets of blood bubble up. It’s not gay if it’s slowly destroying the both of us and the trigger is so easy to pull and the gun is unlocked and I’m pleading desperately for you to just shoot me and take me out of this eternal hell but I know you can’t because you’re scared. There’s a fine line between hatered and sheer devotion and we’re walking that line, spinning and dancing and tumbling precariously because your hands around my throat feel like home and when you dig your teeth into my skin like a feral dog it feels like a kiss and that line is so fucking terrifying to cross so yeah dude I’ll suck your gun with the rocks in the soil biting my knees. I’ll bite the bullet because I love you, and I’ll spit on your shoe when I’m done because I despise the person you’ve made me become.

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

yeah bro no homo and all but can you destroy me physically and emotionally in the most carnal way till I’m nothing but an aching gaping void of a man, a black hole who does nothing but consume voraciously, A man staring up at the grey December sky knowing spring won’t feel like spring. Yeah man can you just dig your hands into my flesh and sculpt me however you please, tear out my vena cava and tie it into a pretty little bow around my neck, your hands inside my aortal cavity. The deepest depths and essence of my soul on your fingers, tainting them red, curling up under your fingernails till you can’t wash them off. I’m yours in the way cheap rings stain your skin blue and you can’t get rid of it, I’m yours in the way the creak in the floorboard has become soothing. I’m yours but like no homo though bro

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

”I’m just a girl” are you? Are you really? Are you not your father’s stubborn daughter? The priests favorite sacrificial lamb? The altar? The knife? Are you even a girl at all? Are you divine? Will you be mine in the way that a goddess is mine? For what is the difference between hands clasped in prayer and bodies intertwined in coitus, are they not both flesh upon flesh?

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

Me when

me when the inherent twisted reality of the hourglass. Two lovers separated. How does one choose which is the sand? The glass? So close, so painfully close it makes them sick. Yet unable to touch, to love. One draws blood, sharp and cold and cruel and transparent, dragging down flesh. One soft and warm and sun drenched and trapped…. Trapped within the other.

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

”you can’t pull the trigger, you can’t because you love me” “I was never pulling the trigger, god was. This is the fate destined for us, this is how it always will be.”

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

Attention!!!

Mersault from The stranger was quite autistic coded in my opinion and it is not talked about nearly enough

that is all the attention I need

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

you know what makes me cry every time

”you can’t pull the trigger, you can’t because you love me”

“how naive of you to believe I was the one pulling the trigger, god had destined this fate for us from the beginning”

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

a few of my favorite ship dynamics

(platonic or romantic)

“I’ll do it when my shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time” x their roommate who secretly replenishes them when they run low

immortal god who has lost any meaning to life x a child with a chronic illness who desperately wants to live longer (platonic)

Always has freezing hands x always has warm hands

“I don’t see the point of mindless consumption, gifts are stupid” x “I heard your cat took its first shit, so I got you a presentttt!”

a fallen angel x someone with ungodly amounts of religious trauma

A grown man/woman going back through primary school because they had no chance to as a student and desperately want to improve themselves x their (same age) teacher who wants to see them succeed [no power dynamic/grooming!]

trans child x their barber who sees them grow into a vibrant man/woman (platonic!)

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

I hate it when it’s a “If I was Orpheus and you were Eurydice I would kill myself for the mere chance to gaze at asphodel with you. We will lose our mind, our memories, our bodies. But I pray our souls will be forever intertwined. But then again you are a bird and I am an arrow, I will only taint your glory and beauty. For my love is the greatest punishment that you can have” crush not a “twirling my hair Tehehe” crush

[ikilledsomeoneforthis]

List of words I like (not meanings)

Salience

Mewl

Malarky

Comrade 

Camaraderie

Burlesque 

Malingering 

Defenestration

Crux 

Akimbo

Castrated

Inarticulation

Putative(ly)

Whimsical

Schadenfreud