hopelessness and satisfaction: the solution?
You know, humans are really interesting. They have so many ways to feel like they’ve accomplished something—to fulfill their thirst for destiny.
One of my favorite pastimes is browsing online marketplaces. I’ve always tried to limit my use of social media—initially out of paranoia, and these days more for the sake of having control over how I spend my time. As more people started spending more time online, especially since COVID, I sometimes felt left out. There were lots of times when I didn’t really have anything to do.
I think I started browsing marketplaces because I missed my car. I used to check eBay Kleinanzeigen and Facebook Marketplace religiously. Sometimes I was watching for parts I actually wanted to buy, waiting for a good deal. Other times, I was just looking at cars I liked, imagining what it would be like to own them, even when I knew I obviously wasn’t going to buy one. Sometimes it was just about spotting something rare or unusual and letting my imagination run.
Over time, it became more than cars. it could be watches, audio gears, or heck even electric fans or appliances i really like (especially old Braun designs). Occasionally id actually buy something, but 90% of the time, i just enjoy the act of browsing and finding and waiting for something. It became something I could also share with friends who had similar interests on those things too. My car friends usually joke that every morning isn't complete without 20 rounds of lowballing people on the facebook marketplace HAHA
I’ve deleted Facebook now, partly because I realized their broken search function is, designed to keep you browsing longer by feeding you unrelated results. Alas, i do understand now though, why lots of people like to do window shopping, or hunting for deals, etc. Most people probably didn't even end up buying or acquiring anything, but the act of browsing itself is able to bring satisfaction to our weird human brain.
Now, going back from those anecdotal detours, I’ve been watching more Slavoj Žižek lately. I think its kind of a 360 degree moment for me because i finally realized how to address hopelessness from his words. Its much easier to comprehend, especially compared to when i read Camus, or maybe im just dumb.
I feel like the term "hopelessness" might feel a bit too ambiguous and would probably not give the right sentiment to most people about what i mean by it. so now, im going to make an attempt to very shortly, incompletely, and probably incorrectly explain what "it" is
I’m naturally a very results-oriented person. I chose the high school i went to because i thought that i could be closer to my crush, as she wanted to go there. and when she finally didn't end up going, i needed to justify my reason being there, and finally put it on how i used the saved money from my scholarship to fund my crippling addiction for cars. That kept me going.
Beyond that, i always try to find the easiest way to achieve the same outcome. I used to joke with one of my best friends that the best way to live is "minimum effort, and maximum results". During the constant routine i had in high school, i learned to find ways to understand myself better, so that i could cut corners, do things fasters, and push the limits, albeit everything still within what I considered morally okay, which was a high standard. The key there is was. I used to have high standards lol
when i decided to go to Germany for my bachelors, it was also because it seemed like the path of least resistance. Its seemingly cheaper, it also gives me the freedom i wanted, and also it allows me to not do extra courses for an entrance exams. It really was easy life—and in the end i still managed to get myself into an Uni, a prestigious one in fact, so prestigious that its actually hard.
now i don't think that I'm particularly that smart of a person. i am really good at applying myself when i believe on something though. I think that's why i think i did quite well in school, or any other things i really like (like music, or idk making things, hyper-focusing on shit and stuffs). I don’t think I’m especially talented—but when I try, I usually meet the standards of what people call “good.” At least, I was usually satisfied with myself.
another thing of me is that i'm naturally an ambitious person and a chronic perfectionist. I always try to do the "right" thing—maybe out of self-righteousness, or maybe because doing bad things just makes me feel bad. And therefore i had BIG dreams. When i was a kid, i found out that the government sucks, and my dream used to be that I want to be so rich, that me and my theoritical company can actually substitute any primary infrastructure needs the people actually needed, and then do it in a better and proper way. growing up, i found out that, uh long story short, thats not exactly the best thing to do, but even in early uni, i still dreamed to maybe live in a small community in the middle of nowhere, trying to contribute to the community and making it better by idk, making infrasturcture, teaching things, making new cultures thats construsctuvie or some shit like that, so that that community can be the perfect place i want to live in.
Oh, and yeah… in the back of my mind, I still thought maybe I’d get the girl I wanted.
As time went on, i find out that the real world isnt really rewarding like that. You can do the right thing and still get punished. You can try hard and still not be good enough. I’m not impervious to that—especially because I was proud, maybe even cocky and stubborn. But over time, those, “punishments”, really wear you down. You start to wonder if you're even cut out for it. I didn’t care what others said—but I never thought I could lose confidence in myself.
adding to it was the hopeless situation with you and all. And so, I did what I do best—try to justify why I’m here in Germany, thousands of miles from my car, from you, from my friends. I leaned into my big dreams again, but that wasn’t enough. I tried turning to God, but even then—every time I managed to turn things around, something completely unexpected would come and smash me again. It feels like voodoo at this point. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone I offended gave me jampi-jampi or something. I mean—when I was in Indonesia for just a week, my dad’s car broke the first day I rode in it, an exhaust fan nearly fell on my head while I was showering, and I got locked in my own bathroom. It’s so stupid it’s almost comical.
i mean those things are funny, sure—but the more serious stuff really takes a toll. I keep losing, and losing, and losing everything I had. It feels like I’m getting further and further from what I was trying to achieve—to the point where I’m not even sure what I want to achieve anymore.
if there was any one big goal at the end of whatever this fucking life is, firstly im not really sure i could or would be able or want to achieve it in this rate, and secondly even if i do, its probably not going to be exactly what i was expecting anyway.
that, to me, is hopelessness. i cant bring myself anymore to have such goals—because it’ll just disappoint me.
Recognizing this, i found out, needs a lot of courage. i used to try to run from this thoughts, from myself, as i thought that i wouldnt be able to live without a good reason. the concept of releasing and letting go of any grandious reason at the end of life runs against the nature of my own conscience, nor the nature of the environment i grew up in. trying to find the middle ground about this and religion is one of the hardest thing to figure out for me. it took me a long time to try to process this, and even harder to get myself in this state of mind like, permanently. it scares me to shit, as it goes against my nature to live in this way.
funnily enough the concept comes to me from those Sisyphus memes from idk, few months ago, or years? idk man social media is fucked, and i no longer have a sense of time other than whats current. i started to hyperfixate on knowing the meaning behind it, and ending up reading lots of albert camus. not really the best way to introduce oneself to any kinds of philosophy about existentialism. from him, i try to learn about what i feel, and finding a name to put on it: hopelessness.
i try to learn his reasoning and such, how its futile to try to understand everything, its futile to live on "false hopes", and how you should instead pursue yourself to fight this "absurdism". its a really good concept, or well, it really resonates with me. what was dangerous for me was that his resolve is really ambiguous and abstract, especially as someone like me who dont have a fucking retention span longer than a goldfish.
so now this sentiment of life i have, i dont really know how to live with it, and im glad it stayed like that for a while, as it helps me understands the concept and accepts it more wholly. its like being a meat being marinated and cured deeply.
It also feels really lonely. Like I’m the only one fighting this kind of battle. I know I’m not—logically—but sometimes it feels like I’m broken. i know its not the case and the world is much more greyer compare to how black and white i thought it was, but it comes to my mind often whether i could one day ever confide about these things to anyone i cared about. small tangent, you know, when youre lonely, you start to question yourself more and more. you start to dissect and enumerate and wonder about every little things, trying to remember things and trying to figure out how things work and where you went wrong. in hindsight, im really glad i went through that, as i ended up learning about myself. i learned how much of a self righteous asshole i am, and accepted that. also learned some of what i did wrong, and how i wanted to act going on forward.
i tried to live like that for a while, but then you got married, and it kicked a funny bone in my heart—and something in me broke again. Deep down, I still hoped. That hope felt so fundamental that it just wrecked me. I hadn’t even been thinking about you that much lately. (Well—not much doesn’t mean zero. Probably just the “normal” amount, the same amount I think about the Roman Empire more or less)
So, being broken again, I went back to my usual cycle of trying to find answers. This time, I found more of Slavoj Žižek. one thing you should know about him is that, hes probably the fucking weird kid in class, who sniffles and snorts a lot, very awkward, not "conventionally" attractive and like just strange in general. even he himself admits that his countrymen, probably all of them hate him. and yet, the fact that he had 2 models ex-wifes always amazed me.
But here’s the thing—he seems like someone who’s figured things out. And yet he’s not “happy” with how things are. He’s a self-proclaimed communist. He hates capitalism. He hates how the world works. Actually, I believe that most of his early work ponders more about those kinds of things, but a lot of people—myself included—really value his off remark attitude toward life instead.
He knows he can’t make the world fully communist. He knows his efforts are futile. He doesn’t expect his work to reshape the world. And yet, he still lives for himself. Still works hard—even into his 70s.
That’s why I like Žižek. He still gives it his best, despite knowing how pointless it is. He keeps up with the news. Stays in touch with modern culture. He’s relatable. His analogies actually make sense for someone with a small brain like me.
he once pointed out a good analogy once. During COVID, he praised the medics—not because they could stop the pandemic, but because they still did their job anyway. They knew the virus would still spread. They knew it was kind of “futile.” But they did it anyway—because it was the right thing to do. Not for medals. Not for recognition. Just because it was their job. And in that he implies, they found satisfaction.
Which brings me back to window shopping. Humans, thankfully, can find satisfaction in doing the work. In enjoying the process. That’s something Žižek lives by. Same with Sartre, who rejected the Nobel Prize because he didn’t want his work to feel like it had a “goal.” He wanted to keep enjoying the act of creating itself.
okay, now that we have that established, i was still not sure on how to really apply myself to do these things. i dont.. really have a good way to explain this since im still figuring things out myself, but im going to tell you a story.
im currently working for a PR team on an institute at my uni. i work in a small team, currently of 4 person including my boss, lets call him simon.
now simon, in my mind, is a very high functioning individual. i’ve learned a lot from him—how to stay constructive, not complain, even when justified. Because complaints don’t fix problems. basically trying to have a mindset of "if you can do anything, fix it, if you cant, then dont think about it". i also learn a lot to be able to have composures so that i can function more as a human, eventhough in the end i probably dont manage that much.
now lately, work has been hard. we have a big project going on, and simon kind of messed things a bit up by not hiring people early enough, so now quite a lot of the work for the team fell at me. it also doesnt help that the administration messed up my salary—so now im currently being underpaid quite a lot, and as im very reason oriented (money baby), deep down i get kinda fed up sometimes, eventhough i still do the job in the end.
a few weeks ago, we were preparing ourselves to present our work on like, the top boss of the institute. simon said that he will manage to do the presentations, and asked me to finish some final changes we have until friday. the presentation was on wednesday and we had one final meeting on tuesday. and so i did just that
tuesday came, and simon presented how the presentation is going to be. out of my expectations, he actually did like, a lot of preparations for it. i thought he was only going to make slides, but turns out not only that he managed to slim down the initial presentations, but also make like very complex and tedious shits to go along with it other than just the slides. he has this spreadsheets detailing how EVERY page is arranged, and like a visual overview in a mock up software we have. It was as good as I could imagine it, probably even better!
the thing is, i know how busy simon is. i know how our works is just one tiny bit in his very tight and busy schedule, and yet he still strive to do his best on this presentation. That’s one of the thing that I admire about him—not just being responsible, but giving his best effort despite everything.
well, going back to Žižek, his attitude on always trying to be on the top of his game is also in a sense the same thing i guess. I know Simon really enjoys designing and making shits like that. Maybe that’s what drives him.
Seek to enjoy the process. Everything is goalless. But humans are built to cope by finding joy in the process itself.
Do whatever you're passionate about.
Be responsible.
Be mindful.
Do your best—because the act itself matters.
