After six months of no contact, I wrote to my ex.
J and I started talking during the first months of 2023 and from the beginning, there was a strong chemistry.
At that time, I had been in a relationship for four years but for months, the story with that girl had been going through a deep crisis that I couldn't fix due to the lack of communication; she, on the other hand, was coming out of some dating that had ended badly and above all from a toxic and violent relationship.
As I said, we started talking very openly about our lives and after a short while, we decided to see each other, aware that we were both in an uncomfortable position due to our situations.
I remember as if it were yesterday, the moment when we met and went for a drink.
We were trying so hard to chat casually but the awkwardness and tension was so obvious that it was impossible to hide the fact that we liked each other.
It wasn't long before she took my hand, led me to the park and kissed me.
We stayed there for the rest of the outing, sitting on the ground in a more hidden area, joking and kissing as if we had known each other forever.
I know what you are thinking and yes, inside me the guilt was eating me up but at that moment, all I wanted was there with me.
This realisation led me to decide to talk to my girlfriend that very evening.
We officially broke up that day but I think this decision had already been there for some time, simply neither of us wanted to be the villain of the situation and take responsibility for the failure of our love story.
From then on, my relationship with J became a rollercoaster of emotions.
As soon as I became single again, we started dating but a few months later we drifted apart because she didn't feel ready to be with someone. Some time later, she wrote to me saying she missed me and we tried again but unfortunately the ending was exactly the same as before.
Determined at this point to move on, I started to focus on my life, work and making new friends but she came back again and as soon as she found out I was seeing other people, she freaked out because for the first time since we had met, she was afraid of losing me for real.
We talked a lot about her past behaviour and how much she had hurt me and I swear, her coming and going from my life had made me feel stupid for having given her such power but even this time, my love for her was so strong that I decided to give her another chance.
Indeed, this time things seemed to be different.
Despite our busy schedules, we managed to carve out time for ourselves, I spent Easter with her and her parents and most importantly, she told me for the first time that she loved me.
Everything seemed to really work this time and I was happy because I had the feeling that I was part of a family other than my biological one.
Then we broke up in May 2024.
For me it was terrible, that scar that had already bled twice opened again. My heart broke into pieces, I questioned everything that had been between J and me but above all, I decided that this time would really be the last.
June came and on my birthday, she did not wish me a happy birthday until late in the afternoon.
Still deeply hurt by her behaviour and seeing that she had waited so long before showing up that day, I got angry and told her that she obviously didn't care and that I knew she was already on a dating app.
We argued and from that day on, we cut off all contact for good.
That is, at least until a few days ago when I saw a strange post on Whatsapp that made me terribly worried; so I wrote to her and waited for a reply without even knowing if it would ever come.
Against all my expectations, my ex replied and what she told me confirmed all my fears.
To this day, I still don't know what happened but now she is somewhere, being looked after by people who are helping her with her mental health.
What I still haven't said is that she had been struggling with her psychological disorders since before we met.
She always talked to me about it, I knew from the beginning what she was dealing with but I never saw these frailties of hers as reasons to leave. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that it wasn't difficult at times because it was but I always thought she was worth it, that with a little patience and the proper support, she could have been better off and I could have learned to understand and manage her thought processes and become a better partner but that wasn't the case.
Our feelings brought us closer together, the pressure due to her difficulties, plus all the challenges that every other couple has to face, drove us apart.
We were like two magnets, maybe we still are, I really don't know but for now the most important thing is that she recovers.
And yes, I am still in love with her.
Maybe when this is over, we will go back to being two strangers or maybe we will find the courage to try again but right now, I feel that my place is next to her.
At least for a little while longer.
