imsorryimsad

any pronouns queer and ace random thoughts and poetry updates every tuesday, the worst day of the week

[imsorryimsad25]

i want the intimacy of underwear and t shirts without the expectation of anything more

the closeness of touch without the need for a kiss

the warmth of a hug without the mention of a fuck

the cuddle on the couch without talk of what’s next

the movie night without the after

i want it all but nothing at the same time

i want to tell someone i’m in love without them asking how far we’ve gone

[imsorryimsad25]

I want to look how i feel

[imsorryimsad25]

it feels like my body and brain are disconnected

i don’t know how to fix it but i don’t feel right

[imsorryimsad25]

i wish there was a way to pause everything. not a final stop but i just need a break sometimes.

[imsorryimsad25]

Sometimes my body reacts more than my brain.

my thoughts are clear but my body is absolutely drowning.

[imsorryimsad25]

i understand the concept of a panic attack

one minute you are fine the next you feel like you are dying

but when it happens i don’t feel like it suddenly showed up i feel like i’ve always been dying and dragged down and the blindfold fell off allowing me to see how bad it really is

that makes the darkness so much worse

it feels so very real

and then all the sudden it’s over

except that it’s never really over

[imsorryimsad25]

life never gets easier, but it does get less hard

[imsorryimsad25]

i get a haircut and i love it until then next day when someone calls me ma’am and suddenly i hate it

[imsorryimsad25]

i used to be terrified of flying…any sign of turbulence and i am grabbing the arm rests, planting my feet, and trying not to throw up

somehow that has changed but i don’t know if it’s for the better

now i close my eyes and feel the motions, feel the jump of my heart when we dip i’m not scared anymore

but i think i like the fear now

[imsorryimsad25]

i don’t want to go back to the person people knew me as before i want them to forget they ever knew that side of me and have them start over with who i am

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel so happy with my life and who i am now and suddenly someone who knew the old me shows up and they only know me for who i was and push me right back into that box

[imsorryimsad25]

some days i wake up and feel like i’ve been buried in a hole and concrete is being poured over me but i’m not able to move and it dries and traps me in

[imsorryimsad25]

sometimes you love the idea of someone and not the person but you try it anyway and fail and can’t move on because it was never real in the way it should have been

[imsorryimsad25]

sometimes i just want to scream and scream and get everyone around me to finally look at me.

i think it would help.

but i won’t.

[imsorryimsad25]

it’s getting bad again and i don’t know how to stop it.

i’m eating and wishing i wasn’t, sleeping and wishing for more. trying to exercise but not having the energy.

i don’t want it to get bad again but i can’t seem to stop it.

[imsorryimsad25]

i feel like i am floating through my day. but not to the point of dissociation just floating and watching but not fully here.

[imsorryimsad25]

i know i hurt you too but the difference is that i didn’t want to hurt you and i didn’t try to.

i tried to lessen the pain.

you tried to hurt me.

knew exactly what to say to dug the claws in and rip.

i don’t know if i can forgive that or even how to start.