Hopping back on my bullshit

Drew. 28. he/him. 5’3” spent almost half of 2024 in treatment, supposed to be “in recovery” but fuck that hw:161lb cw:101-ishlb lw:89.1lb ugw:80lb BLANKET TW FOR ED, SH, R*PE/AS*AULT, SUI, IDK THERE’S A LOT WRONG W ME MINORS DNI This is where my most mentally ill shit goes.

[thoughtcascades]

life gets quieter when you realize attention is not the same thing as being seen

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Reminder that “processing trauma” doesn’t just mean “talk about the traumatic shit that happened to you” (especially if you aren’t ready to do that yet). It also means:

Giving yourself time, safety, and rest. Letting your brain learn how to feel safe again by giving it a safe place to rest and recover. Rediscovering the feeling of peace is a fundamental part of recovery.

Examining your day-to-day feelings. (Not just your feelings about what happened in the past, but the way you feel just in general, day-to-day.) Observing and understanding your present emotions, the things you are struggling with, the things that are getting easier, recognizing the good, the bad, and the gray.

Identifying triggers, brainstorming ways to avoid them, and having a gameplan & coping skills for when they can’t be avoided.

Identifying goals, concrete or otherwise. (E.g. my goal is to have more good days this month than last month, to have fewer days spent in bed, to have fewer moments of panic, to be a little happier and feel a little more safe.)

Mapping progress

Talking about your fears & negative feelings is important. But you can start by talking about your desires & hopes for the future. In therapy, you get to choose what to talk about, and how far the conversation goes.

Reminding yourself that you are working to overcome obstacles specifically because there are good things waiting ahead.

Recovery is a journey, and everyone carves a slightly different path. You don’t have to follow step-by-step instructions, as long as you learn how to keep moving forward.

[deadbyinsidee]

[imtheworst-imsorry]

as much as i miss my friend i share a birthday with and as much as i hate that she died, i’m kinda glad she’s not here purely bc she would be HORRIFIED by the shitshow that is this awful country. happy birthday, liza. i miss you, i hope wherever you are is better than here.

[macabrevampire]

i think avoiding everything is going to save me for real this time

[imtheworst-imsorry]

just broke my 863 day clean streak from b/p and yes ik it’s also so past middle of the night that it’s early morning. i fucking hate myself.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

I broke a plate last evening when I was trying to clear up after dinner and immediately started panicking, my parents tried to calm me down as best they could (sitting on the couch leaning against my mom and watching an archeology show worked eventually) but it always throws me for a loop how much I’m still affected by everything that happened in 2019 with my abusive roommates. My nervous system expected screaming and having to dodge fists/projectiles even 7 years later. PTSD and CPTSD suck! 💔

[imtheworst-imsorry]

oh, so when the rest of the world is obsessed with losing weight and using unhealthy methods to do it it’s normal and fine, but when i do it it’s an eating disorder. got it.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

it’s not that i don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s that i don’t think it would be fair or morally acceptable to inflict my presence on another person like that. it’s better for other people to not have to deal with me, nobody ever stays and i don’t blame them. i’d leave me too if i could.

[toothsheeran]

[imtheworst-imsorry]

just packed myself a nice bowl and proceeded to drop it on the floor and had to spend 15 minutes cleaning it all up out of my bathrobe, my floor, and my overstuffed totebag of finished knitting projects with strips of duct tape bc it was the only thing i had on hand that could pick up little bits of weed off of fluffy surfaces. i hate having motor skill issues, i lost a perfectly good bowl of weed, like somehow miraculously the bowl didn’t break but there was literally nothing i could salvage of my actual weed. so fucking upset.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

i’ve been watching svu in order from the beginning (as opposed to watching random episodes that sound interesting or that have specific actors i like in them) and for the most part it’s been fine, like i’m really not very freaked out by most of the atrocities that happen on that show, but occasionally there’s something triggering in an episode and then i get like scared to keep watching more of the show even tho i know the next episode will most likely be fine. like there’s an episode in season 4 about a trans woman who accidentally killed a guy in self defense who was trying to assault her and then out her to the world and they spent the entire episode misgendering her, deadnaming her, calling her slurs, and treating her like a manipulative monster criminal instead of the only real victim in the episode, and that sucked to watch bc that’s really not much different to how trans people are being treated now over 20 years later, and then there was an episode in season 5 (the last one i’ve watched in order so far) where there was a guy who was a paranoid schizophrenic who kidnapped a kid bc he thought it was his son and elliot purposely antagonized him to the point that he lost it and freaked out and then like 5 people put him in prone restraint and forcibly sedated him and i literally had a small panic attack from that scene and had to sit and calm down for a while before i could finish the episode (i was super afraid of needles as a kid and of going to the doctor and i got restrained a lot as a kid so they could give me shots and stuff and then i’ve had other traumatic situations involving restraint besides that so that was really not great for me to watch. i think there’s been at least one other episode i’ve seen with forcible restraint and i always freak out). and yes i’m responsible for my own triggers and i am generally good about avoiding things that i know will really set me off, but it’s kinda impossible to know if something like that will happen in a show like this bc the only way to find out is either to watch the episode and find out the hard way (not recommended) or to read an in-depth synopsis of every episode to find out if there’s something in it that will trigger me but then you spoil the episode and they don’t always mention everything so you might still miss a warning, plus most people would only mention the major well known triggers on a show like svu given that it does talk about big heavy topics in basically every episode. so there’s not really a ton i can do other than try to cope when it’s happening if it happens, but good grief last night was awful. it was like i could feel people holding me down and i could feel the panic rising in my chest, it was so bad. i still like watching the show tho, the acting is overall pretty good and i like most of the characters, and i like watching bad people face consequences, because they usually don’t irl. basically nobody who ever traumatized me faced any consequences whatsoever so i enjoy watching horrible characters actually get punished for the bad things they did.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

so cool that i haven’t posted on my main or my biggest fandom sideblog since early december and it seems like nobody has noticed or cared. like not to vague abt it here but it’s not like most of my moots follow this blog and they probably wouldn’t see it anyway. at this point i’m lowkey not posting just to see if anyone will notice at some point, but who am i kidding, if they didn’t notice back in december they won’t now. it just sucks bc i really thought ppl here would care even a little bit, but again, who am i kidding, i’m extremely forgettable and annoying and i’ve known that my whole life, nobody ever wants to stay friends with me long term. only being vaguely in touch with one person from high school atp and literally nobody from when i went to college in person should be a clue that people don’t want me around and don’t want to keep in touch. i’m so fucking lonely, i have almost no contact with people outside of my family and my therapists, i thought my friends here cared but ig not. understandable tho, i wouldn’t want to be around me and i’d ghost me too if it was possible to ghost yourself.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

i have literal fucking maxi pads in my shirt trying to absorb my sweat, this is the third shirt i’ve sweat through today, i hate this fucking body i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i don’t want to live in this fucking stupid broken disgusting horrible body i hate it i hate it i hate it if this doesn’t even work i’m literally never getting out of bed ever again i hate this body it’s disgusting and stupid and ugly and horrible and i would crawl out of my own skin if i could

[imtheworst-imsorry]

also why do i keep having flashbacks in like january/february when my assault(s) happened in the summer, like the past few years i’ve had a bunch of flashbacks in january/february, so either my brain is just being weird and fucking with me for no reason or other stuff has happened that i’m not aware of but that my body remembers. i just wish if it was the second one that i would remember it, even if it’s really fucking bad, i just want to know what’s happened in my life.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

a very hearty fuck you to my brain for giving me a weird nightmare about my rapist, like it wasn’t even about my assault(s) it was them telling me that this specific shade of lipstick made my eyes look blue (my eyes are a very very dark shade of brown, even colored contacts don’t make them look blue bc they just swallow up the color) there were a few times the summer all of that happened when they were staying in my apartment when they did my makeup, but the nightmare wasn’t even set in that apartment, it was in a weird kohl’s-esque dressing room and then in my house that i live in now, which they’ve never been to. and i really wanted to please them in the nightmare, too, like i was so willing to agree and put this lipstick on so my eyes would look “blue” for them. fuck you brain and fuck you h for still haunting me over 6 years after what you did to me, i don’t think i’ve even had any other dreams/nightmares about them other than the one nightmare i had shortly after i moved back home after all of that shit went down, but tbf i rarely remember my dreams so who knows. but fuck you either way.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

fuck. just broke a 678 day sh clean streak bc i was having a ptsd flashback. that’s the longest clean streak i’ve had in close to a decade.