Incorrect Batman Quotes

"Aren't you kids a little young to be saving Gotham?" "Why yes, yes we are." Feel free to submit your own incorrectbatmanquotes! Quotes that have already been used will not be repeated. For fanworks based on quotes, tag with "incorrectbatmanquotes" ;) Quotes are posted thrice a day, all sources are tagged. {sidebar image by runmonsterun }

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Hello? The old Jason can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, 'cause he's dead.

Jason Todd, after becoming Red Hood

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Damian Wayne: Blasted thing won’t even switch on.

Jason Todd: Yes. It’s hard to believe pressing the same button over and over isn’t yielding any results.

Damian Wayne: It’s not my job to know how to operate a computer. That’s what the help is for. Drake, come over here and operate this computer.

Tim Drake: I’m not your slave, Damian.

Damian Wayne: Oh we’ll see about that…

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Dick Grayson: A week ago, I accidentally slept with Kory.

Bruce Wayne: Really?

Dick Grayson: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: You accidentally slept with Kory?

Dick Grayson: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: Accidentally?

Dick Grayson: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: I don’t understand. Did you trip over something?

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[Damian has been in the house for almost two weeks. Tim is still suspicious. Bruce just wants his family to get along for five minutes]

Bruce(In the doorway of Tim’s room): Why are you being like this, Tim? How can you feel so threatened by a little boy? Do you really think our family is so fragile that it’ll break apart over a new member?

Tim(Pausing in the midst of typing an essay): No, it’s not that. You have no idea if he’s telling the truth. Why are you so willing to just let him in? Have you forgotten how many people want you dead? The kid was sent here by Talia al Ghul, for God’s sake- I can just tell that he’s hiding something, and if you end up dead I’d blame myself for not doing something about it.

Bruce: Tim, at some point this crosses the line from ‘cautious’ into 'paranoia’.

[Tim snorts and resumes typing, shaking his head. Bruce ignores him.]

Bruce: I checked his luggage myself. He didn’t have any weapons with him.

Tim(Rolling his eyes): As if we don’t have weapons around the house. Besides, he’s too normal to be your son. There would have to be something messed up about him.

Bruce(Sarcastically): Ouch.

Tim(Finally looking up from his computer): You know it’s true! Be honest with yourself- what did you think your kid would be like?

[Bruce takes a moment to consider this and is suddenly very tired.]

Bruce(Sighing): …He would have two heads.

Tim(Disapprovingly): Don’t try to be funny. This is serious. He would have at least three.

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Damian Wayne: I warn you. I’ve been training to kill since birth.

Tim Drake: Wow. And long have you been training to be a prat?

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Tim Drake: I don’t know if you’re hungry, but you know what my mom always said?

Damian Wayne: Why’d I stop using birth control?

Tim Drake: No! There’s always room for soup!

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Tim Drake: You think maybe you’re being a little hard on Mar’i?

Dick Grayson: I’m her dad, Tim, it’s my job to keep her off the stripper pole.

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[Dick and Jason are hanging out in a bar, when Dick sees Kory]

Future Dick Grayson: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? I’m gonna marry her someday.”

Dick Grayson: Hey Jason, see that girl?

Jason Todd: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say ‘hi.’

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[Damian and Maps have discovered a candle of Neron and, not realizing what it was, made the mistake of lighting it]

Maps Mizoguchi(Watching Neron materialize): …What is that?

Damian Wayne(Grimly): Trouble.

Neron(Finally taking shape): Thou speakest truly, O Child of Wisdom. For I am the demon Neron-

Maps Mizoguchi(Wrinkling her nose): Why are you talking like that? Is that a demon thing? Because it’s not very intimidating, it’s just… kind of annoying.

Neron(Ignoring her): …and I have been summoned either to fulfill your greatest desires or to be the instrument of thy death and that of thy paramour.

Damian Wayne(Outraged): My what?!

Neron(Indicating Maps): Thy lover. The woman who stands beside thee.

Maps Mizoguchi: Lover? We’re thirteen!

Damian Wayne(Also ignoring Maps): I know what you meant, but she isn’t my lover or my fiancee or my girlfriend or anything and I refuse to be killed with her!

Maps Mizoguchi(Indignant): What is THAT supposed to mean?!

Damian Wayne(Scowling): Be quiet. You’re the one who lit the candle, you’ve made enough of a mess already.

Maps Mizoguchi: IT WAS YOUR IDEA!

Neron(Suspiciously): If she is not thy paramour, nor any of those other things, then what is she?

Damian Wayne: A nuisance.

[Maps kicks him.]

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In Gotham, it’s better to be safe than sorry, because generally speaking sorry means you’re dead.

Stephanie Brown, to a touring Kara Kent

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I never understood why everyone made a big deal about their dumb dogs until I got a dumb dog myself. I’ve had Titus for less than a day, and if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Damian Wayne

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“I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

Jason Todd

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Donna Troy: How long are you acting Batman?

Dick Grayson: Until literally the second someone else wants the job.

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Stephanie Brown: “He’s going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.”

Tim Drake: “My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team!”

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Barbara Gordon: His name is… not important. What’s important is he’s better than you, in every conceivable way.

Dick Grayson: Well, damn, Barbara! That could be anybody!

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[Barbara trying to find Damian a date so she gets a list from him of what he’s looking for.]

Damian Wayne: She has to have long brown hair, narrow green eyes and a nice figure.

Barbara Gordon: Alright; I’ll see what I can find. [leaves]

Stephanie Brown: You do realize that you just described your own mother, right?

Damian Wayne: I did no–OH MY WORD!

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Tim Drake: We might have a problem here. Somebody, and I’m not gonna say who, might’ve thought that one of the clues we need to solve the case was a cupholder. And somebody, not naming any names here, might’ve left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, at the crime scene. I just don’t know who would do such a thing.

Stephanie Brown: Was it you?

Tim Drake: Yea- Uh, no! [clears throat, deepens voice] I mean, NO.

[beat]

Tim Drake: [normal voice] Damnit.

Dick Grayson: Steph, you and Easy Listening stroll on down and retrieve that clue from the crime scene.