very correct dirk gently quotes

i promise these definitely happened. maybe.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd: We've got to go to the cops.

Farah: We can't go to the cops!

Dirk: Why?

Farah: The Priest has a ton of moles.

Dirk: On his face?!

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd is the Anti-Dirk.

Amanda, maybe.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Lieutenant Assistent: Someone close to you said "One more flop and it's over."

[beat]

Friedkin: Somebody said they were close to me?

[incorrectdirkgently]

Dirk: That's one of my biggest fears.

Todd: What is?

Dirk: If I ever woke up as a donut -

Todd: You would eat yourself.

Dirk: I wouldn't even question it.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Tina: As far as plans go, this is not a good one.

Hobbs: Tina, this was your plan!

Tina: I didn't think you'd actually say yes!

[incorrectdirkgently]

Dirk: I don't always make good decisions under pressure.

[flashback]

Todd: What the hell is that?

Dirk: It's an alpaca. I got the last one!

[incorrectdirkgently]

Dirk: What's the most complex thing you do in the kitchen?

Todd: Worry about death.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd: Hey, how much money do you have?

Dirk: Uh, 69 cents.

Todd: You know what that means -

Dirk: [tearing up] I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd: Wait, be quiet.

Dirk: Did you hear something?

Todd: No, I just want you to be quiet.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Farah: Dirk, I never doubted you for a moment!

Dirk: Thank you, Farah. You're lying, though, right?

Farah: Yes. I doubted you very strongly.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Farah: All I've done all day is eat, sleep, and stare off into space. What an awful existence.

Todd: Hey! I don't dump on your lifestyle.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Of course I've gone mad with power. You ever try going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!

Suzie, most likely.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Dirk: I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired.... so I'm going to take a nap. But when I wake up, oh you are in for it.

[Four hours later]

Dirk: How dare you?

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd: Out of all my body parts, I'm sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Farah: If you've got any questions, just ask.

Tina: If a bear and a shark got into a fight, who would win?

Farah: If you've got any relevant questions, just ask.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Todd: I'm going to bed.

Dirk: It's noon.

Todd: Time isn't real.

[incorrectdirkgently]

Ken: Bart saved my life. Twice.

Bart: Once. And a half.

Dirk: How do you half save someone's life?

Bart: I was the one that was sent to kill him, so I figure that only counts as half, right?

Dirk: That actually makes sense.