Carl: I gave up my old life choices when I let Jesus take the wheel.
Tim: That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice.

Product Placement

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
we're not kids anymore.

Janaina Medeiros
Keni
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AnasAbdin
d e v o n
will byers stan first human second
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

shark vs the universe
art blog(derogatory)

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JVL

titsay
wallacepolsom
styofa doing anything

Love Begins
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@incorrectstormchasersquotes
Carl: I gave up my old life choices when I let Jesus take the wheel.
Tim: That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice.
Reed: I am an expert at identifying birds.
Tim: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?
Reed: Yeah, they're all birds.
Joel: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you?
Reed, handing him a thermos: Milk and sugar.
Joel: Thanks.
Joel: [drinks]
Joel: ...Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Reed: That's what I said.
Brandon: We don't download films illegally. Because we're honest and hard-working people.
Matt: And we don't know how.
Joel, at the hospital: I'm Reed Timmer's emergency contact.
Chris: So you're here to pick him up?
Joel: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.
Joel: Damn, the power went out.
Reed: Don’t worry babe, I got this.
*Reed begins to shake rapidly and illuminates*
Joel: WH-
Reed: I swallowed a flashlight!
Joel: WHY WOULD YOU-
Josh: Well, you see, the answer is perfectly simple and scientific.
Josh: It was because shut up.
Josh: Shut up is why.
Tim: Do you three ever get tired of tearing other people down?
Reed: No.
Sean: Not really.
Josh: Nope.
Reed: Okay, I can be a little petty.
Joel: You once edited a Wikipedia page just to win an argument with me.
Reed: I mean I get complimented all the time—
Joel: YAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Reed: I do!
Joel: *still laughing*
Josh: Give me one reason why I shouldn’t punch your face in.
Carl: it would be way too rewarding.
Paul: The scheduled walloping time isn’t for another half hour.
Sean: My mom specifically instructed me to have a good day.
Reed: Wounding me emotionally would pay much higher dividends.
Joel: I’d rather just do it myself.
Matt: I’ll open my mouth and swallow your whole arm.
Marcus: My face is full of boiling hot water that will shoot out everywhere if you punch me.
Tim: When you move in to punch me, I’m going to hold a bucket up in front of my face and then your fist will just punch the inside of an empty bucket and you’ll look ridiculous.
Chris: Someone on the street we passed just hit an operatic high C, and then screamed, “I’ll fucking kick your ass.”
Joel: That was Reed.
Joel: That all Reed really does, ever since he bought that 5 dollar kazoo.
Reed: *Continues to kazoo*
Sean: There's only one thing worse than Reed Timmer..
Sean: *rips of paper* Boom.
Josh: *looks at camera* Twistex.
Sean: No-
Reed, looking at a sandwich: The leaves are starting to brown at the edges, look.
Tim: Yes, it was sliced with a knife. The lettuce reacts with the metal of the blade, you see. It stays fresher for longer if you rip it up by hand.
Reed: Well, I never! You enjoy cooking, do you, Tim?
Tim: Me? No, no. Home cooking is far too inefficient.
Reed: Inefficient?
Tim: Absolutely. Individuals catering for themselves is a waste of time and energy. Pizza delivery is the answer.
Reed: Right…
Matt: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. That’s because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.
Sean: That’s ridiculous. Name one example.
Matt: Wasps.
Byron: Spiders.
Marcus: Chihuahuas.
Brandon: Josh.
Twistex in "Twister Twilight Zone"
Carl, in front of a whiteboard: Bobody! Bobody. Now, who can tell me what does the first B stand for?
Paul: ?
Matt: What are we doing?
Carl: We’re making acronyms! Ok, what does the first B stand for?
Tony: Uhh, business!
Carl: I like it! (Writes Biznus on the board) Good, Tony!
Paul: …
Matt: We need Tim back.