let’s talk about mental health, shall we? I am twenty two years old, and sometimes on a perfectly normal week in July, I become completely debilitated by anxiety and depression. You see, I have always identified as an anxious person. At a young age turning to therapy and medication for support in tackling some of their effects. But upon some of the more traumatic events of my adolescence, these predisposed ingredients began to collide into the perfect cocktail of thoughts and behaviors that have made it very difficult to live my life at times. I am a very open person. There are very few people who know me, and do not know most everything about me. Often times my anxiety begs to be gathered around. Bouncing ideas about impending doom off of my friends and family. But this depression stuff, is so silent. So shameful. So unlike me. I truly do not think that any knows the magnitude of what these episodes are like for me, except for my sister.
I never looked at these as depressive episodes until more recently. In my mind mental health issues had to stem from out of the blue, otherwise they couldn’t be real. If mine were stemming from everyday life, then perhaps I was just weak, or unlucky. But quickly I have begun to realize that these are triggers, and although they appear small, often their reaction is completely debilitating for me. My ability to bounce back is taking longer and longer, and the time between the last episode and the next one, is becoming shorter and shorter. I live a beautiful life. How can I be choosing to sleep for almost half of it?
let me first add that the only reason I am able to write about this right now is because I am beginning to come out of it. And even as I type this, I wonder if I will be able to follow any of my own advice, for in the thick of it I typically have zero desire to change my situation. I call this “the trance.” For in this place, the things i believe about myself, about the world, or about my life and the people in it are completely false and fabricated. But in the trance, I believe them completely. which is truly terrifying for me. Often in the trance I will act out in a way that serves the fear and fabricated thoughts. It’s like sleep walking into the dining room in the middle of the night, and breaking all the expensive china, and having to apologize to my mother in the morning. There has never been an episode, that I have been able to come out of on my own. I have never seen the other side, on my time. No, I have only cowered in the gigantic nature of it and waited for the storm to pass. I am not okay with this. I long to be able to stop it in it’s tracks, and take the day back. Take the week back!
I watched a Ted Talk the other day about a woman talking about being productive when you are depressed. She said that depressive episodes for some people, are inevitable. But it is the way in which you plan for their arrival that makes all the difference. They say that the best defense is a good offense! And i do not want to feel sorry for myself anymore and try and believe that maybe these will fizzle out on their own. One of the most debilitating things about feeling depressed, is feeling as though you have nothing to look forward to. If tomorrow can be an incentive to get out of bed on a depressive day, then I think I can be okay. This speaker said something really poignant, “Yes depression is real, but hope is also real. Perseverance is real.”
Now I wanna talk about what some of these episodes are like for me, hoping that maybe some of you will find likeness in them. solidarity is everything.
The biggest trigger for me is feeling out of control. When I feel as though something is slipping out of “place” and my life is gearing up for a catastrophic domino effect. The people or events that have the capacity to take this kind of a toll on me changes all the time, in a perpetual rotation. But when it happens, this is what I feel:
1. Panic that QUICKLY turns into paralysis
4. inability to cope with current moment
6. only interested in sleep
7. extremely heavy limbs, and unexpressive eyes.
and when I say sleep, I mean a ridiculous amount of sleep. Sleep is the only thing that brings me relief in these times. This week i have slept almost every moment I have not been at work. If I have a day off during a depressive episode, I will put sheets on my windows and not leave my apartment. If I’m lucky I will have made a plan on a healthy day, that I HAVE to stick to on a sick day. That will usually be the only thing that gets me out of bed. During an episode I hate going to sleep at night. I wish each day could blend into one big long day, for the perpetual act of waking up in the morning and remembering where I am, can be unbearable.
here are some of the things that feel good, or at least not horrible during these times:
1. listening to a fictional audiobook.
2. exiting social media, or abstaining from it.
3. rooting myself in a good memory, or an environment that feels comfortable and grounding. I kid you not this means watching Harry Potter usually.
4. writing poetry, or recording a song with my ukulele. I made a series of little videos with my camcorder each day I was ‘away” this week. Creativity helps.
5. Talking to a friend about the situation, but also talking to a friend about something else.
Tangible ways I can be on the “defensive” with my depression and anxiety when I feel like it’s coming my way. (think of this as taking a health supplement right before you get a cold).
2. make healthy days, productive days.
3. make healthy days, days you dream big. write them down so you can read them on sick days.
4. limit naps to 3 hours on sick day, day 1. gradually lessen that number each day. maybe on the last day, you can stay awake.
6. have a cabinet of healthy food you can prepare on a sick day, to alleviate financial stress and irrational “guilt”.
8. talk to shannon, hanna, and emma about what’s happening.
9. set one thing in the impending days to look forward to.
10. avoid a nap on a healthy day. read a book instead. take advantage of wanting to be awake.
So here ya go, Tumblr. I’m on the mend. But I’m sure I’ll find myself in this place again. Thank you for the support, and I hope this sheds some light on some of this stuff for you too. Cheers to beating this kind of stuff! Life’s too short and beautiful to be sleeping.
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