introjections from an introverted squirrel

I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I'm going to keep doing it until something happens. Will I ever finish anything? Who knows. Do I take constructive criticism? Yes. Yes I do.

[introsquirrel]

Crabdad hasn't shut up for days. Karkat thinks he might be sick but is too scared to get close. There are no vets on Alternia. What do.

Troll Wikipedia is absolutely useless because crustacean type lusii are rare enough, but yours decided it was going to live exclusively inland and that is basically unheard of. Of course!

Plan B: message Tavros Nitram and try to win him over with your charming ways.

CG: HEY CRIPPLE.CG: I HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE SO YOU’D BETTER BE UP AND FUNCTIONAL TO PULL SOME INANE PSYCHIC FUCKERY WITH MY CUSTODIAN.CG: STOP CYBERING WITH SPIDERBITCH FOR TWO SECONDS AND MESSAGE ME BACK SHITHEAD

TA: yOU SURE KNOW HOW, tO MOTIVATE A, gUYTA: fOR THE RECORD, vRISKA ISN’T EVEN ONLINE, mUCH LESS MESSAGING ME, wITH LEWD, uH, tHINGS,TA: aS YOU CAN PROBABLY SEE, bECAUSE YOU HAVE HER AS A, cONTACT TOO

CG: DON’T REMIND ME. THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANT TO SHOVE EVER SINGLE COOKING UTENSIL I OWN THROUGH MY BUGLES AND DANCE AROUND IN THE SUNLIGHT FOR THE ENJOYMENT OF THE UNDEAD.TA: wHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR LUSUS?

CG: HE’S SCREAMING. CG: HE’S BEEN SCREAMING. MY NIGHTS ARE FILLED WITH CONCAVE SHRIEKING FIT TO BLOW MY EAR DUCTS INTO THE STRATOSPHERE AND STRAIGHT UP OUR DREADED EMPRESS’S WASTE CHUTE, UP THROUGH HER BITTERLY MAJESTIC SQUISHY INTERNALS, AND COME FROTHING FROM HER ALMIGHTY MAW TO BE DUMPED INTO A SLURRY AND CONTAMINATE THE ENTIRE RACE.

TA: wHAT,

CG: MY LUSUS WON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY.CG: SURVEYS THAT DO NOT CONSIST OF ME IN ANY WAY ALSO SAY THAT IT’S WORRISOME, BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW

TA: rIGHT, uHTA: yOU SAID THAT IF I, eVER TALKED TO YOUR LUSUS THAT YOU WOULD, dO A LOT OF REALLY GRAPHIC THINGS, i DON’T REALLY WANT TO REPEAT„,TA: bUT I DON’T REALLY KNOW, wHY„, tALKING TO CUSTODIANS IS HARMLESS, aND A LOT OF FUN }:)

CG: I DON’T WANT YOU TALKING TO MY CUSTODIAN BECAUSE HIS LIFE, AND SUBSEQUENTLY MINE, IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.CG: BUT THIS IS KIND OF A LOW PROFILE EMERGENCY SO CONSIDER THIS YOUR ONE FREE TRIAL TO CHAT WITH THE ETERNAL IRRITATION THAT IS MY LUSUS.

TA: oH BOY }:|

[introsquirrel]

Jadekat bodyswap?

At first it’s really really disturbing and creepy and honestly gross because all you can think is, “I have a mouthful of alien saliva” and then you make “ew” faces until Karkat yells at you using your voice and your body.

After the initial shock wears off though, it’s kinda cool! You have night vision! Your vocal chords have a much wider range of sound, going from raspy croaks that legitimately makes you sound like a frog (frogkat! toadkat! amphibiankat!) to a high pitched scream. The scream is especially cool because your body has motion memory still so you will descend into a bunch of clacks and chitters without even thinking about it and you honestly spend like a whole hour and a half just making noises at yourself.

Karkat has absolutely nothing positive to say about your body, and you can’t even be mad about it because he is weirded out by the weirdest things. Your hair is too long! What the fuck is up with this dent in your abdomen? Your hearing range is all mangled! Why is your tongue so bumpy? Why are your legs hairless??

"I shave them," you tell him after that last outburst.

"Why???"

"Well, feel how smooth they are!"

"I’m not groping your appendages!"

"Just do it, whiner!" And you pull him over and lift up his skirt to his knees and force his hand onto his calf. "See? Super smooth. Ultra smooth. I am the master of being literally smooth." You grin at him. "You could say that I’m…"

"… Wha-"

“Smoothing.”

He glares at you with your face and it’s honestly kind of cute. You’re adorable! You had no idea.

Gasping, you exclaim, “I can touch boobs now!”

He says, “No.”

"They’re my boobs.”

"That I’m using!”

"I need to pee," you say. "I think."

"As leader of this operation and present victim of science shenanigans, I forbid you from peeing."

You laugh. “Fuck that, I’m checking you out for even more science shenanigans.” He makes a noise. “Tell me if you have trouble with the bra thing.”

"The what thing???”

[introsquirrel]

what abouttt Jadekat solarpunk AU?? something with Jade and a garden?

i was SO HAPPY to see this prompt you have no idea. i need to attempt this again sometime after doing some research on plants and maybe while sitting in my mom’s garden

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It’s a good thing that everyone is stupid amounts of rich because of the game. It means that everyone can do whatever the fuck they want with their lives and living situations. Jade immediately buys and island like any rich asshole would do, and then promptly builds the coolest motherfucking house ever on it.

It’s completely solar powered and decomposes its own wastes via incinerator or naturally into the ground. About 50% of it is windows. There is an irrigation system that runs through through the entire building and outside that keeps the plants all properly watered and all the controls for it are adjustable for each room. Everything is green and white and full of sun and Jade never thought that she’d be so in love with a building in her life, but here she is, joking with Rose that if it were a person, she would fuck the shit out of it. It is simply the best house that exists, no exceptions.

The trolls (with the obvious exception of Kanaya) hate it.

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[introsquirrel]

Priestkat, now with rationality

Introsquirrel (toro): okay so there is a certain idea for a potential au i want to think up but i can never get it right SOY: hm? Introsquirrel (toro): and that au usually includes karkat being som religious leader in troll culture, like a priest or preacher, and him havng to interact with the humans at some point, and the humans not knowing much about troll culture other than what they’ve learned from the higher castes and whatnot Introsquirrel (toro): so like headcanon karkat Introsquirrel (toro): ‘s Introsquirrel (toro): damn enter key Introsquirrel (toro): karkat’s traditional robes or garb is all white, like white white, maybe red trim but also maybe silver who knows just a lot of white. and he can look really serene too. the humans hear about this religion first and they’re like, “oh hey peaceful thing” and the religious leader is supposed to be “very wise” and then they see karkat and are like, “oh that makes sense” and then he starts talking and they’re all like “……wha-”

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[introsquirrel]

John/karkat Soulamte AU

Okay so there are SO many directions i could have gone with this and i was going through my prompts tag for soulmate ideas and i came up with two prompts and thought “I SHOULD PUT THESE TOGETHER”

So here are your companion prompts to make this story adorable.

(this absolutely got a way from me, whoops. here you are!)

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On your fifteenth birthday your quote appears, lavishly written across your back in a messy pointed scrawl with thick lines, almost as if someone had tried to engrave them into your bones with a permanent marker.

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[introsquirrel]

fic prompt: john, vriska, and karkat on their honeymoon. bonus mode: their honeymoon is in night vale.

"You know, it’s weird," you say to your spouse(s) when you get back to the motel room. "I asked everyone in town where I should pick up dinner and they all said Big Rico’s. One guy even told me that we were required to eat there at least twice before we leave."

Vriska is the only one in the room. She says, “Everyone is so polite here. It was supposed to be supernaturally eerie! That’s what all the travel brochures said anyway.” All the travel brochures also told you all to avoid going to Night Vale at all costs. But Vriska has a rare form of dyslexia where she reads the word “avoid” and sees the word “adventure!”

Karkat appears from the bathroom, looking a little stiff. “What’s wrong with you,” Vriska asks him.

"I’m either having a seizure brought on by my skewed decision to travel to any city advertising POC helper angels that give out free puppies," he says, "or there’s an eldritch god in the shower, singing ‘I Will Survive.’ I don’t know which would be less disturbing."

From the bathroom, you hear a garbled, “It’s ‘Stayin Alive’ simpleton!”

“Finally,” Vriska says with feeling.

[introsquirrel]

DAVE AND KARKAT GO TRICK OR TREATING

"What did you get?" Dave leans over to try to see what’s in your bag, which you pull out of his reach.

"Same thing you got!"

He shakes his head and almost dislodges crown his brother made him wear. “You totally got more. Fucking neighbors didn’t like my shoes. I keep telling Bro they don’t match.”

You amend, “I got three Kitkats.”

"Sweet, I got-" He stops. Then he stares at you.

"What?"

"Karkat."

"…Yeah?"

"Kitkat." He looks like someone just handed him a crate of juice boxes. "Karkat. Kitkat. Why did I see this before?”

Oh no.

[introsquirrel]

davekat, detective au!

*muffled snickering**not so muffled snickering**ugly loud laughter while poking divisio in the ribs*

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You dramatically slam a file onto the table in front of the groggy potato of a troll, partly because you want to wake him up and partly because it looked really cool.

To your disappointment, he neither flinches or looks impressed; he just glares at you over his mug as if to say, “was that entirely necessary?” and doesn’t even glance at the file itself.

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[introsquirrel]

karkat tries to teach basic math to toddler versions of the alpha and beta kids

((that is the cutest prompt omfg))

The first thing you learn about human wrigglers is that they will eat anything you put in front of them. Be it beans, pennies, checkers, crayons, or fingers (still attached). Jane, the determined dipshit she is, tries to help you by getting peanuts instead when you aren’t paying attention. When you start screaming, so does everyone else, successfully keeping John from eating the peanuts Jane is trying to get him to count.

"Roxy, Jade, if you two don’t sit your squishy diapered waste chute cushions back on the ground, I am going ban you both from cookies for the rest of your feeble and pathetic lives." The girls stop and blink at you, devastated.

"What’s one," you hold up a piece of (gnawed on) paper with a big bold ‘1’ on it, "plus one?"

"Eleven," Roxy tells you happily. According to her, every answer is eleven. What’s five minus two? Eleven. What should I have for breakfast? Eleven. What’s the meaning of life? Eleven.

"No," you say.

"Three," says Dirk, confidently. Then he adds, "For big quadrant-ees of one."

You tell him, “You’re a shit.”

Dave yells from the armrest of the couch, “You’re TWO shits!”

"Close enough. Let’s move on to colors."

[introsquirrel]

It Could Be Worse

Fandom: Homestuck Pairing:Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas Rating: E Tags: hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, i tried to make a songfic without making a songfic Summary: Life may suck but at least Dave still owns a copy of Grease.

Author Notes: If you aren’t familiar with Grease I feel bad for you. Here’s all you need to know for this fic. (For Divisio)

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[introsquirrel]

awkward first time shenanigans

Noodles ლ(◉◞౪◟◉ )ლ: you know a lot of the problems i see in davekat smut is the build up with foreplay and then like only two paragraphs of actual sex

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[introsquirrel]

Dave, Rose and the Mayor are redistributing the economic and residential portions of cantown. No one notices that the mayor tipped over an errant candle/street lamp until Dave smells the familiar scent of burning ants on a sidewalk.

"No, it would make more sense to put the corn with the lower class. Yes, even the industrial sized one; we need a community center after all."

"The industrial sized corn is a fucking mansion."

"No, that would be the clusterfuck of Tab over there."

"That would be the clusterfuck of who the hell built this town from scratch. No nerds, that’s for sure."

"Then it seems we’re both rookies in this situation."

"Do you smell something bur- HOLY FUCK SHIT SHIT THE MAYOR’S ON FIRE OH MY FUCKING GOD GET THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!"

"One professional fire fighter at your service, here to extinguish sick burns."

Dave later tells this story to Terezi as “the reason our Tab Mansion no longer has an eastern tower.”

[introsquirrel]

how aboooouuuut.... species swap jadekat? :D

— gardenGnostic started trolling carcinoGeneticist —

GG: {what the fuck are you doing???}

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[introsquirrel]

Karkat has read all the books, he knows how this human sex is supposed to work. But when he finally pulls down Dave's pants, he's surprised to find a five headed dragon that speaks french.

"Prepare yourself," Karkat says, very seriously and not at all nervous about anything.

Dave shifts his weight from one foot to the next. “Uh. There’s actually something I should tell you. About. Um. You know what, fuck it. It’ll be an experience.”

While Karkat didn’t really know what the hell Dave was getting at, he DOES know what humans look like naked, thanks to scientific sketches in text books and 4chan.

Without hesitation, he pulls down Dave’s pants. Then he stares. Because Dave’s penis is actually a multi-headed lizard thing.

“Bonjour,” says Dave’s dick. “Je m’appelle Jean Claude.”

"Well," you say. "That explains why Terezi dumped me."

[introsquirrel]

(it’s a bit late, but here it is. the collab with me and affectionatetea. (she did the wonderful drawing while i wrote up a flash fic for it). the collab was based off this post as a prompt. i hope you enjoy!

fic under the cut

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[introsquirrel]

EVERYBODY GET UP IT'S TIME TO SLAM NOW YOU GOT A REAL JAM GOIN DOWN WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM

TT: I see John and Dave convinced you to come to their movie night.

CG: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS MOVIE? THIS IS THE BEST ANIMATED LIVE ACTION WARNER BROS PRODUCTION I’VE EVER SEENCG: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS IN THAT DECADE LONG THREE YEARS WE HAD TO SPEND ON THAT STUPID FUCKING ROCK?

TT: My apologies, it honestly never crossed my mind.TT: For good reason, I might add.

CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

TT: That movie is pretty much shittiness mashed into a paper bag and lit on fire on the stoop of the grumpy neighbors.

CG: YEAH, BUT THE MUSIC

TT: Oh! Yes the music is pretty rad. Thank you for clarifying, I was worried the boys had accidentally poisoned you.

CG: THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG

TT: Indeed.

[introsquirrel]

davekat bodyswitch go go go

The first thing he does is comb out your hair, because that makes perfect sense in all universes. Not.

"Dude," says your voice, which sounds significantly more retarded out of your head and you are vaguely horrified. "Why didn’t you tell me the base of your horns were this sensitive?" And then he fucking rubs one.

You grab his hands and hiss at him with your newly acquired inadequate human vocal box. “Don’t do that, taintchafe!”

"Why no-" He stops and says, "oh."

Fuck your life and your body, but not literally. Definitely not literally.

Dave purrs out, “Well shit bro. That is definitely not a human meatstick, that is most definitely a pants snake.”

You cover your (Dave’s) face with your (Dave’s) hands. “Please never speak again.”

He continues. “How many appendages you got down there, dude? Holy fucking shitmongers, it’s like a legit party in my trousers right now. Having a goddamn rave, the neighbors are complaining, police going to show up and have us all arrested for toting minors around. But officer they just showed up out of nowhere. Too bad son, it’s to the clinker with you. I can’t go sir, I’m too clumsy, I’ll fucking drop the soap and then BAM. I’ll become a real man. A real man with real regrets.”

"If it bothers you so much, dump yourself in a pool of acid." You take off his shades and toss them across the room because he doesn’t even fucking need them.

You expect him to start on you about property damage and sentimental shit blah blah blah but instead he says, “Hey, don’t you have this fantasy about making out with yourself? Is this like turning you on because I can totally leave if you need to rub one out. Just don’t damage the merchandise, I’m kind of attached to it.”

"That’s it," you say. "I’m going to go stand on the roof and taunt the immortal superpowered dog beast until he catches up to us and puts me out of my misery."

"Not with my body, you aren’t.”