HISTOIRES DE MER

A fluffy mermaid fairy made of shimmering tears, the moonlight, the scent of fresh lavender, and water from an ocean storm.

[issabellaprincessa]

I come here before you

To take back my spot as the lead.

A warrior.

A survivor.

Me.

I come here before you strong,

Confident,

And happy.

All of which you took from me.

I used to shine like a beacon,

Sharing my light with all that I meet.

I used to be warm and cozy,

Like a bonfire on the beach.

Until you came along, that is.

I thought you were an adventure,

So different,

So unfamiliar,

That I couldn’t resist giving into

Your darkness.

In the beginning there was light.

A light you chose to keep to yourself.

You made me feel small,

You made me feel ordinary,

You made me feel like I had to work for your affection.

Of which is freely given everywhere else.

It was years of push and pull,

Up and down,

And circles.

Endless circles.

I was blind into thinking

I was enough.

I was foolish to think

That you’d be satisfied.

Stupid, stupid me.

Until one day, you had the gall to say

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Why?

Because you thought you reduced me into something

Worthless?

Sorry.

Actually, no. I’m not sorry.

I’m sorry for you, though.

I’m sorry you had to drag me down,

So that you could feel like you were on top of the world.

I’m sorry you had to walk all over me

So that you can keep your imaginary crown.

I’m sorry you had to work so hard

To outshine me,

To dim my light,

So I can only shine for you.

I’m sorry you had to be an asshole so that my worth didn’t tarnish your ego.

I’m sorry you never deserved me.

Thank you for throwing me away.

Because even though you left me in the dark,

I’ve still got my light.

And I’m never going to shine for you again.

[issabellaprincessa]

What do you do when your passion is becoming something that’s dragging you down?

A little help for a lost person would be nice.

[issabellaprincessa]

Learning to fly again

It’s scary to think that any minute you could fall off the rails when you think you’ve finally got your life on track. 

I’ve been struggling with my depression, forgetting to take care of myself because of stress from work and life and general. 

I took for granted just how much going through the process was important; I neglected counselor visits because my schedule was too full; I refused to rest so that I could keep my worrying mind busy; I bought only half the dosage of my prescription to save money.

I thought I could go without my medication for a while, but I was so utterly wrong.

3 days without medication, I felt weak and unable to get out of bed. But I pushed myself because I had to.

One week without medication, I lost interest in work or talking to people altogether. Even my best friend, whom I kept in touch with every single day, I’d begun to ignore.

10 days without medication, I spent hours at night nosediving into a rabbit hole filled with dark thoughts, counting the reasons I shouldn’t exist, how I have nothing left to look forward to.

12 days without medication, I was mentally writing down my goodbyes to everyone and everything I love.

I sometimes hate to admit that a tiny pill is the only thing that is giving me the will to live, because I know better.

 But at the same time, I am extremely proud that I am taking that pill because I do want to live. I do want to love. I do want to dream.

So today I announced that I am back on track with my medication. It was a scary time without it, but at least I made my way back.

To anyone who is struggling with coming to terms with their mental health condition, know that this is nothing to be ashamed of. There is always a way to manage it. For some it’s therapy, sports, medication, or whatever form of self-healing they prefer. We all do things differently. 

What’s important is that one acknowledges it and accepts it. Accept that help is needed. And when you do, find it. Ask for it.

I am alive, I am broken, but I am hopeful. 

Never lose hope.

[amorverde]

IF SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE BANDS YOU LISTEN TO OR THE WAY YOU TAKE YOUR COFFEE OR HOW YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR OR WHAT YOU WEAR OR THE WAY YOUR LAUGH SOUNDS THEN FUCKING DROP THEM LIKE THE PIECE OF SHIT THEY ARE AND GO FIND SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOUR LAUGH SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST GODDAMN SONG THEY’VE EVER HEARD AND OFFERS TO MAKE YOUR COFFEE FOR YOU AND THINKS YOU DRESS LIKE ART

[issabellaprincessa]

It’s been over a year

Today has been a tricky day for me, mentally. There’s been a lot of uncertainty for a while and today I actually had to open a mindfulness podcast.

Doing so reminded me about my journal, the one I failed to write in over time. The first thing I did when I revisited was open my first entry, where I discovered that the anniversary of my diagnosis had already passed me by.

I can’t quite describe how I feel about it. All I know is that the road has not been the easiest, but it also has not been the worst. The fact that I’m addressing it now shows that I’m still fighting, I’m still growing, and I’m still hopeful.

Yay me, I guess.

[issabellaprincessa]

When you tell that person about your insomnia.

[issabellaprincessa]

What’s scarier? To feel too much or to feel nothing at all?

[issabellaprincessa]

Day 230

I wish I could say that everything’s been great and uphill since my diagnosis.

I’m far from “cured,” but I’ve had mostly good days. I’ve had excellent days and that is a huge win for me.

These past few days, however, have been pretty bad. Too many triggers, too many factors affecting me.

Today, especially, I felt lonely. I felt useless. I felt empty. I felt tired. I felt too much and too less all at the same time. My thoughts got so scary that I almost couldn’t breathe at one point.

Fighting to live “normally” is so hard. (Every person’s definition of normal is different, so please don’t bite my head off for the quotation marks)

I’m not writing this to be negative or anything. I’m just being honest about what I’m going through. What millions of other people struggle with as well.

Depression sucks.

But I won’t let it win.

I hope whoever else is fighting their own battle, whatever it may be, knows that I’m rooting for them.

[issabellaprincessa]

Hey, I’m alive.

Just letting anyone who would read this know. I’m still alive. I’ve gone through different sets of medication since I’ve been diagnosed, and I can honestly say I’m doing better. I’m most proud to say that I no longer feel lonely, and I no longer feel the need to prove myself.

I’m still very much broken, but I’m taking everything as it comes, one step at a time.

Here’s to us goofs who choose life. Cheers!

[be-happy-and-enjoy-the-life]

[issabellaprincessa]

You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.

Tinkerbell in “Hook”

[issabellaprincessa]

We don’t get to give up. We don’t die easily

Dead Inside

[issabellaprincessa]

Chemical reaction

Warning: crazy rambling

I stopped medication again because the last one I tried just made things worse. And now I’m so unstable. I would be fine at one point, extremely mad the next, and now I have been bawling for an hour and I don’t even know why. I’m actually very afraid of my thoughts right now. I want this to stop. I want to just sleep and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I want to not bother my friends about this shit because hell knows I don’t want them to worry about me or think I’m being overly dramatic. I can’t control it. It hurts so fucking bad right now but I don’t know where it’s coming from. Everything hurts. Everything. I wish it would stop hurting.

Help.

[issabellaprincessa]

Endgame. Just not the way you think.

[thelovejournals]

Maybe I haven’t really forgotten you, maybe you’re the last person I think of before sleep, maybe you’re the first that I think of when I wake up, maybe you come to my mind every now and then, maybe I feel like calling you just to know how you are, maybe I have a wish to show up to your door just to know if you’d open it for me, maybe I still want to give us a chance. Maybe. But no, I chose not to have you any longer in my life and maybe that might be enough to forget you. Maybe.

Pietra Maisha (via thelovejournals)

[dadhopper-deactivated20171203]

[issabellaprincessa]

63 days later, I fell

I fell back into that pit I used to live in. I’ve been climbing for 63 days, and I guess my arms just gave out. I’ll let myself rest here for a while, and I WILL climb again. But for now, I’ll cry it out, let the pain settle. Darkness wins the battle today.

But I swear I’m going to win this war.