The Formula for Social Interactions
I - an INTP - used to think I was really good at Fe. I know, hubris. But reading on Tumblr about how INTPs aren’t supposed to have social skills or be able to read the mood of the room made me feel like I was just really really good at it for having it as my inferior function. And I attributed that to having an ISFJ mom who was always emphasizing the importance of being nice, and kind, and behaving. But yesterday, I found out that I’m a complete idiot, and I fell into the trap of thinking I was much better at my inferior than I actually am.
Fe is about harmony, yes, and I do that. To the point that I have become the family peacekeeper. But the way I handle conflict is not to mentor people through their issues and help them come to a resolution. My strategy is distract, distract, distract. Pull their attention away to something bright and shiny until the argument is forgotten or it’s too late to resume. But that’s not Fe. Or, at least, not healthy Fe.
Fe is also about being polite, behaving in a way that conforms with the social norms. Putting people at ease. Yesterday my mom and I were talking about how my ENTJ dad and my ISFP sister aren’t very good at recognizing when people need emotional support and then giving it to them in a way that helps them process. For example, when my mom gets mad, you just need to let her rant and agree with her until she’s ranted out, and then she’ll calm down enough to look at the situation rationally. My dad and my sister will just start ranting at her about how she’s being irrational and crazy, which just sets her off more until it escalates into a huge fight.
This launched into a discussion about social norms, and at one point I said, “You know, like how if someone offers you food or a drink once, it’s not a real offer and you have to say no. But if they offer again, it depends on who you’re talking to. If it’s an elderly person and they’d have to get up and move around, you have to double down. But if it’s a friend, you can say yes, because the second time it means they were actually asking and not just asking to be polite.” And my mom looked at me like I was from another planet. “I don’t think that’s a rule.” And I realized I have a ton of these little rules for myself, little things I’ve never really thought about why I follow them, but nonetheless completely control how I interact with other people to the point I’m almost functioning on autopilot and thinking about other stuff during the conversation.
My mom is a dom Fe, and growing up, she used to say a ton of stuff along the lines of “I’d rather have my kids be kind than smart.” And I - the kid who would get tired of people during their own birthday party and went inside to read a book - got a lot of lectures at a very young age about how no one would ever like me or play with me or talk to me if I wasn’t nicer.
I didn’t want people to think I was a bad person, or a mean person, and I especially hated getting the same lecture over and over from my mom, so I started studying books and tv shows and movies to figure out how to act in social situations. And then I tested these out around my mom until I found out which ones worked and which didn’t.
And at this point these responses are so ingrained in me, I don’t even notice myself doing them. It’s not, “Oh this person is crying, I want to make them feel better,” it’s “Oh this person is crying, the correct response is to give them a hug and tell them everything is going to be okay and go from there.” Which now that I realize it, seems genuinely crazy.
Has anyone else had a discovery like this? Cause it was a little startling to figure out I actually have a formula for social interaction, and I’m curious if other low Fes have similar methods of interaction.
