beep boop @its-ben-awhile - Tumblr Blog

i’m updating some things, so let me post some updated links

about me

socials

music

masterlist

master masterlist

#about me #socials #music #links #master list #masterlist #master masterlist #writing #art #things

calamitysong

I P address? baby it’s called the bathroom 😂

its-ben-awhile

i started therapy a month ago, specifically for the purpose of getting a referral letter for top surgery. and now that i'm talking about it and actively trying to get it, it's... it's weird.

i know others have felt the same way; suddenly become indecisive about it and don't really know how to weigh the pros and cons. my brain keeps flip flopping, and despite knowing how badly i've wanted this for YEARS, i can't stop having a fear that i'll regret it. and my biggest thought right now is "am i lying to myself?"

i've struggled with finding myself my entire life; gender, pronouns, sense of style, etc.. i'm the most fluid person i know, and it's confusing as hell. what if i get this surgery and immediately miss my feminine figure, even though i've hated it for such a long time? even looking at photos of myself when i was 'happy' in my body, it screams "i'm a boy/nonbinary person cosplaying as a girl because it's fun and i feel pretty."

i feel like i'll never 'feel at home' in my body, and it sucks. how do i combat this?

its-ben-awhile

it's so funny getting notes on this now because i've already gone forward with wanting to get it. everything is happening faster than i expected, especially considering that my initial intake consultation was only scheduled because of a cancellation.

anyway... time to play the *real* waiting game🥲

its-ben-awhile

updating this post is so wild, because things are going much faster than i expected. there is no 'waiting game' to be played.

it only took a week for my insurance to approve the request after it was sent, which was maybe a week after my consultation? to be fair, the surgeon i chose was BOOKED SOLID for the rest of the year (through march 2026), and they asked if i'd like to swap just in case and that i can always swap back. i agreed, because 1.) i like meeting different medical professionals, and 2.) getting something sooner (preferably over the summer) would be fantastic.

but i have my next visit with my surgeon in 2 weeks. the emotions are HIGH, and my anxiety is through the fucking roof. but through this entire experience, i've realized that i wouldn't be doing this if i didn't want to, especially considering just how indecisive i can be. i wouldn't be going feral with research, deep diving into others' experiences, and even just coming to terms with myself and my identity.

another thing. in the first post from this thread, i said: "even looking at photos of myself when i was 'happy' in my body, it screams 'i'm a boy/nonbinary person cosplaying as a girl because it's fun and i feel pretty.'" i realize now that i was happier for a reason, and that reason being how my chest was a whole band and two cup sizes smaller. so not only is my dysphoria a big factor in all of this, but body dysmorphia is as well. not to mention all the shit i've been having to unlearn (due to being raised in a primarily conservative household/state).

all in all, i'm so fucking proud of myself. and i thank whoever that person that cancelled their appointment every single day.

more updates to come♡

its-ben-awhile

hey so i did it? and ykw... hell yeah😌

#i'm so fucking sore #like... what #top surgery #<3