The Abyss

I need to unburden my psyche. I hope you will hear me out.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

What clinical traits look like in real life

Knowing the DSM-V criteria is key to understanding the character behind the mask. If you know it, you'll see it.

Know what the passive-aggressive symptoms look like. That's how you stay 1 step ahead of the coverts and vulnerables.

Otherwise you won't see anything until they've made ruins of your life. Don't be a rube like I was.

Here's a 50 item checklist via Neurolaunch. (Most checklists suck, this one is good.)

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Following up Chapter 1

My first Dr. Ramani installment is about covert invalidation - also referred to as "toxic correcting," "nitpicking," or destructive criticism. No, I wouldn't say you can identify a deceptive person based on this alone, but if that is the case, additional red flags and manipulation patterns will appear eventually. (DARVO, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail, smear campaigns, etc.) More on that later.

Helpful charts via NeuroLaunch:

[iveenteredtheabyss]

My "negging" chart from the video compilation. Data collected mostly from The Mend Project. My therapist calls it "total narcissistic domination bullshit." (I wish I had asked him about it earlier. )

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Chapter 1: The Stealth-Neg, or "Well Actually"

Precisely 2 years ago, I pissed off the wrong person. In the worst possible way. (Very publicly on a discord server: it seemed like the more honest and transparent way to confront someone.) By October, the damage would be done, and I would be left with nothing but a horrible puzzle.

And two good friends, one whose steadfast friendship ended up costing him everything.

But we must have done something right, because we still had Bradley.

I believe the puzzle has been solved. It has been for some time. But there's a high burden of proof that I won't fall short of.

I couldn't possibly show you everything that informed and persuaded me (but I've made the effort here and here.) So, I will show you the most relevant things, which pointed me in the right direction to begin with.

It all started with … I'll call it stealth-negging. Contradicting, splitting hairs, quibbling on an increasingly frequent basis. (I wasn't the only one who experienced this, and the choice of targets ended up telling me a lot.) 

I thought it was inadvertent. Where was the harm in drawing attention to inadvertent rudeness?

I was incorrect. 

Afterwards, I thought we were becoming friends. They were sweet as pie to my face. 

Behind my back…I don't know the full extent of it. I only know it was meant to cause alarm, hurt, and a sense of betrayal. And I know that it was all in bad faith. 

This will make more sense as it unfolds. (Chapter 2 will be about deceptive facades, and I implore you to check it out when it's posted.) If I fail to paint a coherent picture, or you want more information….ask me. Ask me on any platform. Ask my anonymously here. For the love of fuck, all I've wanted this whole time is to be asked. 

[iveenteredtheabyss]

One of the worst things about dysmorphia is the constant incertitude about whether one is actually just fat.

How the fuck did I get here, into this warped mirror?

The C-PTSD Inner Critic: Chronic Shame and Self-Blame (Psychology Today)

Clothes that I bought in good mental health remain on the hanger, never worn, because they just get more unflattering every time. I don’t even feel fat, exactly. Just…..broad. Ungainly. “Barrel chested,” as my mom would tell me I was, as a child. I hate what I’ve been reduced to. A black hole of internalized self-criticism. But what else can I do, rather than turn it inward? It has to go somewhere. And what kind of person would I be if I didn’t face criticism? I’d be the kind of person who projects it all onto others. The most wretched of wretched creatures.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

What makes a “manipulator?” Why do women suffer under the label?

This was meant to be an add-on section for some other pieces, but it decidedly has value on its own.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

This is Dr. Ramani. My journey to becoming unbroken began with her.

This is a preview for a longer video - one that I don't feel I should post yet. For one thing, it's too long. For another ... this was intended to be one of my final disclosures. For many reasons.

Nowadays, I find myself unwilling to compartmentalize. I did too much of that for too long. So, I can't sit on everything patiently.

Ergo, I am posting this. I'll give a proper explanation of it when I'm ready. My hope is that by the time I post the full version (or a series of chapters), the context will be self-explanatory.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Still gonna use most of the footage. Cats are very pursuasive. I wonder aloud - would Socrates or Plato consider cats to be an unethical form of persuasion? If so - are they Pathos, Ethos, or a logical fallacy?

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Difficult Lessons

There are some challenging things I've been trying to learn recently, or at least understand on a more sophisticated level. And I think the first thing I've figured out is that you cannot succeed from a negative mindset. Perhaps light proliferates light.

First challenge: how to remain a supportive and present friend to othes during periods of turbulence, when my own support system may be disrupted.

Second, how to refocus away from what/whom I’ve lost, onto those who continue to stay, who see something worthwhile in me. Who have put up with me at my worst.

I couldn’t be more honored.

And, in the event that there are others who are quietly nearby, how to be patient. Respect boundaries. Be the person people befriended, trusted, stood up for.

Because she’s ME. I’m real. I want to shout from the rooftops that I’m not an illusion. And in good time, I will, in a way that works for me.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Nemesis, Goddess of Divine Justice

Apparently, Narcissus didn't drown by accident.

What an inspiring lady...I feel empowered by this character.

Via EBSCO:

Nemesis is a minor goddess in Greek mythology known for representing balance, justice, and vengeance. Her name translates to "she who distributes or deals out," highlighting her role in ensuring fairness and retribution. 

She is credited with rewarding humility and punishing crime, emphasizing the ancient Greek belief that individuals' actions dictate their fate. 

Artistic depictions often portray her as a beautiful woman with wings, wielding a sword or scourge, symbolizing her dual role in delivering justice and vengeance.

Oh I bet she's an autistic woman. I'm also gonna go ahead and assume she's a socialist, because of the whole balance/redistribution of good fortune thing.

Via Greek Legends & Myths:

"It was the vengeance of Nemesis who was invoked by a spurned lover of Narcissus. Nemesis would ensure that Narcissus would fall in love with his own reflection in a pool, and subsequently Narcissus would waste away as he looked longingly at himself."

OK, now I'm definitely more in favor of restorative justice, most of the time, but we know Narcissus ain't gonna take accountability or listen to victim-impact with any good faith. So, what she did is AN OPTION, but another is to be patient, keep a watchful eye, and when it's appropriate, speak up, point out his shitty behavior. (Ideally, a pattern of it.) And let social karma do it's thing. Because what condemns Narcissus & his ilk is what they fear most; the fucking truth. Don't let them muddy it.

[iveenteredtheabyss]

Reclaiming Reality

A year and a half ago, something happened that upended my reality, making me question my perception, my memory, and the foundation of who I am.

(It didn't just affect me. How would you feel if someone you cared for, trusted, defended, was suspected of being someone else entirely? That the experiences and shared feelings that bonded you may have been based entirely on lies?)

So, I found myself in a self-gaslighting cycle. It sucked. But I am Annika. Annika is a stubborn, obsessive fuck. So I sought answers. Aggressively. And I found my soul, my heart, my chutzpah, and eventually, my voice.

Now that I've reclaimed my assertiveness, it's time to reclaim my truth. Reclaim a reality that I can validate.

But it's complicated. Some disclosures are more important than others; apologies, affection, affirming what created trust between us. But everything I say might be meaningless. Unless talk about how my credibility was compromised in the first place?

I don't know what consequences will result from that.

Hypothetically, our realities are interwoven, and they're woven most closely with those in our orbit. So, if I tell my truth, it should, eventually, resound with others, because it will share elements of their truth. That's what gives us a sense of validity - our reality is shared.

I know this, because I've experienced it. WE experienced it.