diary of a sacred vertabrae

[iwantsurrealism]

friendship vanishing overnight

my very own unsolved mystery

tracing my mind over clues obsessively

back and force

my intellect wants to know why

why I'm no longer on your porch

smoking ciggies, having you dote over me, hyping me up, walking to the op shops, high on acid, dreaming of our futures, wishing you wouldn't have succumb to a man who fed you financially, dreaming of dancing with you at the clubs,

you looked so radiant after kissing that man

it made me sad

that you were a caged animal

by your chosing

but then chosing to break his heart

I wonder if he found out

it was crystal clear

before you even told me

and perhaps my clarity

Of your infidelity, relationship, drive lost,

was too sharp

and my abandoning broke the veneer

"we'll get through this, I know we will"

our mantra

I still believe it, even if our lives are separate

my love for you doesn't end with our friendship

I'm still in awe

Of your sun like presence

magnetic to a fault

you really had me, idealized and envious

I felt it hard in the last few months

Something unsaid

About my freedom, growth and success

Something unsaid

About your choice being ultimately restricting

My mirror hurt

And so did yours

Two sides of the same coin

I wanted your money, your clothes, your seeming stability, your confidence to host, your clarity on politics..

now I'm reorientating myself

your voice no longer in my head

I feel stronger, more autonomous, clearer about what I want in love...

I would also marry for stability... but also for growth..

Envious and enchanted by what he offered you

my body is in the here and now

she tells me about how it was all a fantasy

of course it would vanish

I was seen, then idealized

To fit into this fantasy

the mystery is solved

but it doesn't subtract from the feeling, knowing that all this joy, love and mirroring happened

until it couldn't contain, pretend any longer

I'd changed

You've been changed by grief

our mirror shattered into a million pieces

Through the unsaid tension, too much reality, too much externally happened for us to stay in our fantasy

I hope you're doing okay

I'm doing okay. I would have stayed

But God knows, something would have had to change.

[sinew1000]

[yesterdaysprint]

Judge magazine, November 3, 1923

[iwantsurrealism]

5 months in to the low histamine diet and proud to call this a flare up day, my face is puffy, i'm brain fogged but that's it! my first time posting without makeup in a looooong time, don't even know if i have before

[iwantsurrealism]

an open heart, my dream

bringing my psychic abilities

it's all too much for me

the snake my symbol

the meercat an ideal reality

perception also a poison

balancing inbetween

burning all bridges

& forgiveness

[iwantsurrealism]

on unrequited love

the idealization of ANGEL overwhelmed my life and i knew it for sure. at the time i couldnt help but enjoy being sucked into his energy field. the grace. the confidence. the adventure. the unapologeticness.

looking back it's unreal how much i thought about him and romantised him. but i felt like i needed it to get by in the new city. to hold onto this idea of myself. an easy form to hold onto. i didnt care that he and i probably were never going to be together. the thought of him symbolized something outside of uni. some kind of freedom i'd been longing for.

the more things on earth that took my interest, the less i thought about him. for the third year and my first year outside i thought of him occassionally to remind myself of what i could be.

cut to 5 years after meeting him. here i am in all my glory, realizing the many components to myself and how ecstatic i am about them all. about myself. ive been on the other end of unrequited love a few times and from observing from both sides oh boy i can tell you its not the space to be in. it's dark, unrewarding, and lower tear energy to believe someone who's in front of you and not pursuing you is a one for you. there's no space for new possibilities, new loves, new realizations when your mind is fixated on someone else.

i also see myself a lot more clearly and have a tangible understanding of why were never going to be. it's a relief. i wish i got here quicker in many ways but i've also been unwell and it's left me on the sidelines for years.

[iwantsurrealism]

[iwantsurrealism]

- youre such a fuckin hoe i love it!

- an iconic moment in my own history

- a sexual awaking if you will

- the realization it was a really good and possible thing for me to dive into the more sexual, free and feminine

- where is the freedom in purity?

- sure it sticks you to someone for life and you get to live out that intense fantasy

- but what is more magical for me is the exploration of many people, experiencing so much with them, different people teaching me different things

- there is holiness in everyone

- that ought to be revered

- i want to experience different types of holiness

- and be obvious and certain about it

- with these beliefs my clothing materials, shapes, size all changed

- now here we are living with a glorious, handsome man, next to some 'softboys' and 'hypeboys'

- attracting so much attraction

[iwantsurrealism]

love notes to myself

admiring the tones of our room

it is a reflection of ourself

green for the kawakawa leaves boiling on the stove

orange for every sunset i get distracted by

browns for the tapa cloth under daniel's picture

reds for the bloodrush from going on stage

i've decorated my face in gems hoping that no one will notice that my skin is cracking beneath

the cracks a roadmap

to desires left hanging

two faced

unaccustomed to late night

table service

my ancestors told me

i was born a healer

i write spells

cast them on myself

to reflect the suns warmth

to carry both abundance and curiousity

to attract romance and bliss

you show up and so am i

to be hanging from gallery walls

to conquer fears of being within a system that hasnt served my brothers and sisters

that hasn't made enough space for divine creativity

pearls and glitter nuture my own reflection

honouring my lust for beauty

peaches and plums on my tongue

a prayer for sweetness

the inner and outer world

taking their time

but they're aligning

[iwantsurrealism]

her and i

lounging on those wind burnt floral chairs

sun beaming in our eyes

burning out the memory

of

utopia's end

ceilings dripping with flowers

brazilian reggae on repeat

laughing on the back porch

pausing

a lady demanding ciggies

a man singing now he's got a home

calling up our brothers

it's not even a holiday

silences looked upon kindly

heartfelt vibrancy

i'm rambling on about astrology

you on about how you've forgotten what it's like to be home

conversations adorned in fur coats

fingers grazing

even when

there's nothing new to say

our stained glass hearts

are found worshipping the quietness

of our home

lucky to exist where

it's a ritual

for us to be caught

caressing the present

what to do now i've experienced a utopia?

[iwantsurrealism]

my latest lesson.

wanting something so much it creates stress is going against the flow. it doesnt allow the space for magic, for change to happen.

do what you can, do what is in your gut today and wait, desire it but dont beat yourself up over the desire.

[iwantsurrealism]

reclaiming space/presence

in my dream self. at my best.

i am in my body. my body backs me up.

i am unafraid. i do not wince at the opportunity to speak my mind.

i dance knowing i have myself.

i am everything. i am both fun and intense. i am open and honest and playful. i am imaginative and curious and emotional.

i stand in my power. feeling my ancestors. feeling my family. feeling the love the struggle the journey for me to exist.

i feel the courage and curiousity residing within me. the necessity of fearlessness to grow and to be curious about people. to be softer towards myself and yet tougher telling myself there is so much more within you. waiting to be expressed. so much is laying dormant waiting...

[iwantsurrealism]

i commit to pleasure in curiousity. as if i know nothing. i am weightless. open and adoring. listening fully allowing every possibility to fill the space between my ears.

i commit to curiousity for myself. bowing down to the endlessness and excitement for what exists within me. the expression of my human spirit waiting 4 release.

i commit to curiousity for others. understanding that i know nothing. that you are everything. i will run head first with pockets stuffed with questions and meditations .

[iwantsurrealism]

death

new beginning

i share the last of my weed with you

you dance around people

energy retracting

energy everywhere

but on me

2015

in flirtation and sweet energy

u took the girl biting her lip

and despising all

under ur wing

2020

i drink in my own energy

laugh inappropriately

gaze into the sun

and see myself

now she realizes the

power in her wholeness

now she realizes

drooping leaves

friendships no longer recomended

no longer

longing

ok maybe longing 4 sum past

but girl we got

serenity, sparkling and loud

hanging as fake chanel pearls

[iwantsurrealism]

december 2019

through the house

heavy dr martens stomping

on hardwood floor

waiting for u to appear

end of the corridor

there u beam

i have my glitter boob tube on

the sparkling desire in me

on me

a cocaine fed gaze

pierces through my spine

quiet your eyes

sober

and

the backup lover

i hold my backbone higher

hoping to be a fortress

in amongst

ur affections

i'm not a desktop icon

i'm on the icloud

eye gaze locked

backbone curls

shallow swimming

jaw locks

allow me to be the icon

[iwantsurrealism]

ya girl be looking at the wrong spot... n in the other ones she wuz too busy repping the westside

[iwantsurrealism]

the heart as a stained glass window. stained each lovers colour. me being every lover. experiencing the untouched colours. the lover shining blue. abundant blue. yet moderate. tugging backwards. aware of something in me. too eager. loving like stadium floodlight. desiring to sit and drink coffee with the sun. he has learnt a vocabulary of restlessness tied up in a heart of stubbornness. push and pull. stained with his own patterns. the repulsion of stagnancy. gaping hole.