I Want To... Live

One fat guy's journey to accept the choices he has made, and work on making some new ones... with a Paleo/Primal Low Carb/Keto plan in hand!

[iwanttolive73-blog]

I want to trust myself...

... but I don’t. At all. 

Now don’t get me wrong. This is not a post about self loathing or hatred. It is not about wanting to beat myself up. Simply it is about the fact that I just cannot trust myself to make the right choices. 

I am the king of convincing myself that I am on solid ground and in control 24/7. I am good at it! Oh, man, trust me. (ha! I get the irony!) For example, last week, last Monday to be specific I fell hard and binged. I ate bad, and a lot. I ate until my stomach hurt, and the food was gone. I considered going out to get more food but honestly, the thing that stopped me was nausea. I was too damn sick from all of the sugar and carbs I crammed in my face to take myself down the stairs and out in the car. And I didn’t just eat the $100 in junk food I brought into the house (Yes, I spent ONE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS!), I found a bag of pistachios, and ate them too. I finished off a jar of almond butter. I am truly not sure how I survived it intact. Normally I would have been completely derailed but somehow I pulled it together the next day. I woke up at 4am, in pain, physically and emotionally, and knew I did not want to do that again. 

So the day after I tried to identify the foods I might have still had in the house that I knew I could not trust myself with, things like nut butters. I gathered them up and threw them away. Literally 6 jars of various nut butters, no joke. I made a commitment to myself to not keep them in the house for now. That was a Tuesday. Friday night? 

“Ooh, look, little two tablespoon packets of almond butter, I bet that would help me with portion control. I will buy 4, and have one a week. Might as well get some of that Stevia sweetened chocolate too. 3 bars for $10? Great price! Maybe I shouldn’t have that much in the house, but I can control it...”

hahaha Who the fuck was I trying to kid??? That was Friday night, by Tuesday night all the nut butter and all the chocolate is gone. I can’t keep those things in my home. I cannot trust myself. I know how this works, I know I will tell myself it is ok, I will plan a solid way for me to control them, simply as a way to trick myself into bringing them into my home. 

Now what this leads me to ask is, if I can’t trust myself around TWO TABLESPOONS of almond butter, how on earth can I trust that I will make the choices necessary to get this remaining 200 pounds off of my body? HOW? The plain and simple answer is that I just can’t. I can’t trust myself and continuing to think I can is just wasted energy. But this does not at all mean I give up. I have seen that as the answer to this question before and we know where that leaves me, heavier than ever, sicker than ever, and literally dying. So what can I do?

I need to assemble the proper tools that will help me achieve success and will help me learn how to make myself someone worth trusting. For me that includes:

Eating right. For me that means a whole foods approach to keto. It means keeping enough solid, healthy food prepared and handy so that I don’t open the door for mistakes.

Moving my body more. Going to the gym, challenging myself, proving to myself that I can do this. 

Accept the support I am offered. I have many contacts and friends who say constantly, “Reach out when you’re weak!” but I haven’t done that in the past. I am starting to do that. Why haven’t I done it before? Because I know they would shine a spotlight on the bad choices I was about to make and probably raise my consciousness enough so I could make better ones. And I haven’t wanted that, plain and simple. But I do now. I really do.

Start each day over. Seems simple, but by waking up to every new day ready for success I leave the previous day behind, be it one full of good choices or one full of bad. 

Turn to resources instead of food. I have a lot stressful things going on in my life right now and when that stress peaks so does my hunger. I have to look to my resources in those moments, be they books, You Tube, Podcasts, forums, websites, Instagrams, Facebook, or whatever, and use them to fill the hole the stress is digging. Heck, even writing here is one of those resources.

That’s my list for now. If I think of more tools I can use instead of falling for my own trust trap again I will post them on here. If you have any ideas that could help, let me know! Thanks for reading, as always!

[iwanttolive73-blog]

A quick tour through tonight's dinner (and tomorrow's lunch and Saturday's brunch!) Grassfed ribeye steak (seared and basted in Kerrygold butter) with sautéed peppers & onions, with an avocado/cilantro/jalapeño sauce. Delicious!

[evrythingsembarrassing-deactiva]

If you’re an active fitblr/healthblr

reblog this post! I’m gonna follow you, you’re gonna follow me, and we’re gonna be friends. 

[iwanttolive73-blog]

Cooking food like this, I'm starting to feel like I can do this again!

[iwanttolive73-blog]

Lessons I need to learn and brunch. Fueling up my body and my brain!

[befitdriven]

[befitdriven]

[iwanttolive73-blog]

All kinds of things I have been cooking and eating this week!!

[foreverfitness-]

don’t be afraid to put yourself first!

[self-healing]

stop believing that you ran out of time to shape yourself into who you want to be! stop believing that its ruined! stop believing you don’t have potential! you are not a fixed being! you have endless opportunities to grow.

[num-yummy-butter]

Source

[fitnessfor-me]

[iwanttolive73-blog]

I want... Enough.

Have you seen Monty Python’s Meaning of Life? With the infamous scene where the massive Mr. Creosote waddles into the fine dining restaurant? Here’s a peak at the transcript of that scene’s opening...

MAÎTRE D: Uh, today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.

MR. CREOSOTE: I'll have the lot.

MAÎTRE D: A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezer in a bucket?

MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah,... with the eggs on top.

MAÎTRE D: But of course, avec les oeufs frites.

MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah, and don't skimp on the pâté.

In my last entry I talked about the idea that gluttony is not a secret vice. It’s one we wear on our bodies, visible for all to see. What that got me thinking about was how to really give the average person who has not been super obese and had their life revolve around food, and it’s acquisition, a real sense of what it is like, for me at least.

“Don’t skimp on the pâté.”

This back and forth between Mr. Creosote and the server is an eerily accurate depiction of the internal struggle that I face at every meal. You see I liken every time I eat, and again I will emphasize every time I eat, to lighting a small fire in a house. And what you do with that fire could lead to an inferno or barely a sign of smoke. The fire is of course the hunger I feel inside of me. Every time I eat a meal, have a snack, etc. my brain immediately starts yelling (excuse my language): 

“FUCK YES!! KEEP EATING! GET MORE! IT WILL BE SOOOOO GOOD!”

And I mean yelling. So every time I eat, I have a 10-15 minute window after the meal that I deal with this. That I white knuckle struggle to not let go and gorge myself until I have forgotten that I was even attempting to diet. Distracting myself is important, I try to do that by writing, reading, watching something, googling something, etc. but sometimes it’s not possible, like when I am with other people. So I sit there and smile, and make small talk, but inside I am fighting a battle. Take last night for example, I was at work eating dinner. My old Wednesday night tradition was eat dinner before work, eat a huge dinner at work (hosting trivia at a restaurant) and then hurry after work to get to my favorite pizza place before they close to get 4 or 5 huge slices, and maybe a few cannoli if they have any left. Now I eat dinner before work or at work. A healthy yet satisfying dinner following my food plan. Last night I had a bacon cheeseburger with mushrooms on top of a small Caesar salad with house-made dressing. It was delicious and good for me. As soon as I finished I thought, “Pizza would be so good tonight. Why not have a cheat and get a slice or two. Two max. I mean how could that hurt me overall.” The thoughts continued and I thought, “Well if I am going to cheat like that, maybe I should call ahead to order so I know they will have what I really want ready?” This would be a full large pizza. Immediately I stopped and thought, “NO! THIS STOPS NOW!” This back and forth went on for a solid 10 minutes while I drank some water and got ready to work. To all outside appearances, nothing strange. Inside? A battle for my life. I truly believe that. 

Why do I get so dramatic over this? Because I have lost these internal debates before, and decided to have one “good cheat meal.” Unplanned. Innocent. I did this in May of 2013 and by October of that same year I was up 270 pounds. Happily losing myself in eating again, bringing back the big guy. It’s way more complex that this of course but it was a single choice that lit the fuse then. Last summer, I was down to 320 pounds, and I convinced myself I had deprived myself for too long, that a weekend off couldn’t hurt. The fuse was lit again, and I was up 150 pounds this winter. I have learned one truth in all of this, one solid bit of information. I can’t be trusted. I simply can’t trust myself to do the right thing. I will often do the thing I crave, the thing that makes me feel good in that moment, the thing that seems more important all of a sudden, the thing that seems natural, the thing I was born to do and be... Do you see? Does it make any sense at all? I am the best at convincing myself of literally anything. I am incredibly persuasive. This is a strength and a weakness. A strength because this skill helps me stop eating as often as it helps me start. It is a skill I must learn to master for my health’s benefit. I must. 

I started this piece off with the idea that I want there to be enough. The reality is, that left to my own devices, there will never be enough food for me. It’s a road that leads to a bottomless pit... No. There is a bottom. It’s six feet under hitting rock bottom. The enough I need to find is having enough drive and desire and strength to choose life and health at every juncture I face. At every meal. At every bite. I want to know that I am enough. No need for more. I’ll pass on that wafer thin mint, thanks. 

[iwanttolive73-blog]

Do you make your own mayo? Pastured eggs and avocado oil make magic!

[iwanttolive73-blog]

I want to pop the BALLOON!

Hrm... now what could I be referring to when I say pop the balloon? 

Let’s backtrack... I belong to several weight loss and fitness groups on Facebook and in one of them, a gentleman posted a shirtless picture of himself this week. He referenced keeping himself honest and also learning to love the person in the mirror. Since then several other guys have followed suit and today I did the same. 

It was not an easy picture to post. Not because I am not used to seeing that body in the mirror or because I hate it, but because I am now seeing the message that sends. The life story that it reflects. The years and years of stuffing myself gleefully and willfully. Building this “house” I live in bigger and bigger until it doesn’t fit properly into the world. So after posting I looked again at the picture and saw this for myself, for perhaps the first time. And don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a moment of shame or regret, or disgust with myself. It was a moment for me to say, “This is NOT the next chapter I want to write.” It was a moment of feeling willing to turn the page because it is what I want, not just because I feel like I should. 

It was a moment to say goodbye. 

In a few months I will take another picture, and I will see a new story has begun. I will not fill the frame, appearing inflated and swollen like the proverbial balloon ready to pop. It will be a new me who I haven’t seen yet. I am hopeful that I will not only like what I see but will be inspired to keep working on the new story to come. 

The late, great Orson Welles once said that “Gluttony is not a secret vice,”and today on Facebook I certainly let all of my secrets hang out for public scrutiny, and I survived. And I feel ready to work on some new secrets. 

[lettingittbe]

[iwanttolive73-blog]

I want to DO ALL THE THINGS!

No really, maybe you didn’t understand me when I said...

I WANT TO DO ALL THE THINGS!

What do I mean by this? I mean I don’t want to live my life with parameters put in place because I found eating to be so much fun. I want to fit into things and spaces, so I can do MORE. What kind of more you ask? I am glad you did... 

I have created a list of goals for myself. And you will notice that there isn’t one that has a pound related number in it. I need this experience to be about more than my weight and to be more about my ability. Let’s see what I’ve come up with:

1. Not need the use of an electric mobility scooter to enjoy my Disney World vacation in December. 

2. Fit into one plane seat. 

3. Walk, and maybe even run a little, another 5K

4. Never turn down plans with friends or family because I worry that it will require too much effort, or too much walking, or I just won’t fit into the space they are entering.

5. Enter a restaurant without fear of what kind of seating they offer.

6. Buy clothing somewhere besides Destination XL and King Size Direct, where I can only afford what’s on sale and not what I would like. 

7. Be able to wear the XXL Rebel Pilot Star Wars track jacket I bought myself in 2016 but never could put on.

8. To live without any pain I know I could change by my choices. This one was originally “live without pain” but that is not the way the universe works. But, I can affect some things and those that I can, I will. 

9. I want to take responsibility for myself. 

10. I want to travel, internationally, and not worry about the walking, or the fit. I want to see Ireland, and Cuba, and Shanghai. 

I am going to stop with ten as I feel that makes sense for now. I just wanted to get some of these goals out there for myself to see, and for you, if anyone is out there. I can’t wait to repost this list with items check off as completed!