My mom doesnāt understand that with depression even the smallest things feel like accomplishments, but to her itās never enough

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@jaline2014
My mom doesnāt understand that with depression even the smallest things feel like accomplishments, but to her itās never enough
Hands
-
Iāve always loved the way your hands looked
And not just when compared to someone elseās
Not just in comparison to mine
They were always just right
Almost like an artistās hands
You see, they were always cracked and calloused
Worn, from building walls around yourself
Your skin covered in muddy, flaking clay
Crumbling off as it dried
And I think
You must be so secluded
I had two thoughts
Before touching your hands for the first time
I thought, āAre they soft?ā
Well, I sure hope not
Not too soft anyway
Because seven years ago, I fell into a hole
And I still havenāt managed to climb my way out
So as soon as our hands meet,
I wonder if theyāll be strong enough to help me out
And I thought, āWill they be cold?ā
Because, my god, I hope so
Because my hands are so fucking cold
That it burns if someone grabs them
So goddamn cold
That anytime someone touches them
They ask me if Iām okay
And I donāt know
Am I?
I mean, Iām aware most people have walls
But I just feel like mine arenāt the same
Because, whereas you are hiding away
Itās more like Iām trying like hell to escape
Itās like Iām trapped inside
And Iām trying desperately to retain the memory
Of the last time I actually saw daylight
And I know, that you know
That where I am now feels permanent
And you tell me to just give it some time
Because nothing is actually permanent
But I can tell you
The moment our hands touched,
It was like I felt something click
Because, my god, your hands are so strong
And mine are so damned weak
It was almost like I was forced to dig in
God, I want so desperately to hold on
Because if I hold on, maybe
Just maybe the world will stop
And your hands will stay cold
So cold, like mine
Theyāll stay cold, and strong
Steely, like metal gears
Protecting, like glass casing
Like weāre constructing a clock
And we could tick together
But I feel like I canāt move fast enough
And I know so much time has passed us already
But I swear Iāll make it up
And I know, damn
It must be so hard to stand in front of someone
Who just keeps promising that theyāll get better
And I know I have no evidence
To back up what I promise
But please,
Please
You have to trust me
We both know my past is ugly
But I swear to you,
I really think sometimes
That I can make it to the other side
Just as long as I know that when I get there
Youāll be waiting for me
When I get there, Iāll have
Somebody
Please have faith in me
That I can do this
I need that
I need you
I need
Another month, and really
I swear to god I will pull through this
I need to
I need you
I just
Need for our hands to touch~
.
.
.
X
I hope one day you realize how fucked up what you did to me was.
I donāt think I can ever forgive you.
I have this terrible habit of ignoring things that I donāt want to see, things that hurt me, things that rattle me to my core. I give myself a month or two to dwell on it, and then I decide that itās done. I donāt know when I started doing it but it helps. See, because I canāt let myself think about you. There are things about you that I know are true that will reach the light of day and burn my entire world to the ground. So I just...refuse.
- out of sight, out of mind // h.g
āwhen you left there was a lot of rain. And I donāt mean just outside, I mean everything was just very gloomy and dark. I remember there was a lot of tears and not just regular tears.. there was sitting on the bathroom floor tears, breaking down at our favorite makeout parking place tears, crying in the shower tears, having a panic attack the first time I saw you since we said goodbye tears. just a lot of tears. It was the type of pain that I always felt, it was just always there, my heart just felt so damn empty all the time. everything hurt more without you & I couldnāt stand the intensity of my feelings and the lack of yours⦠I just couldnāt believe how one-sided things could be. Iāve been trying to distract myself from all this pain but it always comes back to you. I will never not wish that things could have worked out between us. I wish we could have been more, I so badly wish things could have been different with us. but they arenāt and I have to wake up every morning knowing that.ā
ā Journal entry October 17, 2018
āI donāt know where to start with what I feel, I guess love just seems like one of those things that only few get to truly experience. I donāt know.. I guess what Iāve been learning is that things arenāt always as black and white as they seem. Just because someone doesnāt love you in the same way that you love them doesnāt mean that its not there. When I think back to us, i feel my heart break all over again.. So I stopped thinking about you all together. Its not that I want to forget you, its just that it hurts too much to be back there again, to feel all that love that you claimed was never there. I swear I drove myself crazy trying to figure out how things were from your perspective.. because it just never made any damn sense to me. I looked for clarity in every one of our memories but I could never see anything without love attached, I knew I would never be able to. I never told you this but I think you were the first person to ever truly hurt me. Because I think you were the first person I gave all my self too. The insecuritites, the faults, the imperfections.. You saw it all and you stayed. You stayed even though it wasnāt in the way I wanted. I think staying only broke my heart more, because hearing you talk about everything you were capable of, seeing that you were CLEARLY capable of love broke me in more ways than I could ever write about. And it took me a long time to be able to look at you and not feel all that rejection and hurt.ā
ā you taught me a lot, mostly that I need to stop believing I deserve less than what I give..Ā
Iām the type of person who will give a million chances, even if youāve proven you deserve other wise a thousand times, even if youāve hurt me every time , Iāll always give another chance
People always talk about how heart breaking it is when someone they love is leaving them. And believe me, it is. It has happened to me several times and it almost killed me everytime. But making the step to leave someone you love is just as hard. Especially when you and that person are still fine together. When you both still love and care for eachother. But you know you have to do it because it will be better for your future self.
R.R. - This decision was never easy M
So next time
So next time a boy says to you
āletās just see where this goesā
If heās not thrilled about the journey
Donāt take him along for the ride
It didnāt have to have a plan
Or a set destination
But his hesitation
should be enough
ā¦.
So next time a boy says to you
āLetās just see where this goesā
Girl
Let it go nowhere before it heads somewhere painful
Before he takes you on a scenic detour of lies in disguise as romance
Before the roadās twists and turns are as confusing as the words he says to you
Before the road itself starts cracking from underneath
Before my thoughts overwhelm me with how long we could stay here instead of just taking the next possible exit
Before the weather gets bad
And the headlights arenāt bright enough
Before the veiw in the rearview is more vivid than the veiw up ahead
Before the sounds of the tires screaching are louder than the sounds of your pleading
He didnāt plan to start and end his trip with the same girl at his passengers side
Nor did he expect you to forget how āluckyā you were to be in his company
So next time a boy says to you
āletās just see where this goesā
Just say no.
-ally l.
I canāt believe they oblitered straight men like that
@tabbran please add lemon man story to this
PRESENTING LEMON MAN
That was a wild goddamn ride
god this was worth the read
i didnāt know it at the time, but this would destroy the both of us. so i guess it is true, we become the poetry we never intended to write. when i called it quits, i knew you were going to be determined to hate me. but i never would have dreamed it would hurt like this. iām so sorry, love, i had to leave. i swear it was nothing but my best intentions. but i know that isnāt good enough for either of us. i suppose the truth is, poison only tastes like poison after you swallow it. & iāve finally come to understand that there is no name for the man that leaves. so now iām looking at his hands around your waist but i swear to God i can feel them around my neck. so iāll throw back 17 more shots, and pretend that this is not the way things are destined to be. & iāll begin to recall the person i wanted to be, and how i was never able to get it quite right. Ā i could have been a better man for you. so now iāll spend nights trying to sleep, and instead of counting sheep, iāll count every one of my mistakes. and i just want you to know that iād trade everything iāve ever had just to have the backbone of a man.
āthe contrition of the dead manā -k.m.k (via pleaseburnthisafteryoureadit)
I wish the little things that you did, didnāt hurt me. Iām perfectly okay without you. But I canāt ignore this ghost feeling inside of my heart that longs for you. Itās so conflicting to feel nothing but everything at once when it comes to you. I forget about you when i get lost in my mind or when Iām thinking of other things. But when someone mentions you or when your name appears on my screen. I just freeze. I freeze because all the feelings of sadness and frustration towards you comes at me like a train. And I swear I almost forget to breathe at that moment. I feel a surge of anger rush through my veins because you are a liar. You deceived me with all your sweet words that came out of those poisonous lips. And you moved on so quickly. But I know I moved on from you. Just not completely. Because somehow, someone like you, still has a tiny home in my heart. Sooner or later, youāll be evicted.
My heart is not a home for you - j.d.d (via extrahurt)
You've been distant, i noticed it a couple days ago but I thought it was over thinking.. you know as we do. So I waited for it stop. I thought you'd be over it by the next day. But you weren't, over it the next day, nor the next day, nor the next. And suddenly the texts were getting shorter. And one day there was no good morning text. I thought "maybe he just forgot". But there was no good morning text the next day, nor the next day, nor the next. I tried making excuses, "he's just busy" "he had something to do today" "he just slept in" "we're fine". But we weren't fine and deep down I knew it. Then one day there was no 'I love you'. It seemed odd. So I waited to see if there would be one the next day. But there was no 'I love you' the next day, nor the next day, nor the next. Then one day.. there was nothing. No texts, no calls, nothing all day. Again I made excuses "he's just busy" "he had something to do today" "he just slept in" "we're fine". But we weren't fine and deep down I knew it. I thought it be different the next day. But again there was nothing the next day, nor the next day, nor the next. I tried asking about your recent behavior, but this time it was you who had the excuses "I was busy" "I had something to do today" "I just slept in" "we're fine".But we weren't fine and deep down I knew it. You finally said 'I love you'. But It was different. If felt wrong.. it felt distant, you didn't mean it. And that was when I knew, it was over. But I desperately tried to hold on, I loved you so much and I didn't wanna lose you. I knew it was hurting me more to hold on than to let go, but how do you just let go someone who is your whole world?
2017 goals
wear cute clothes
be more mysterious (?)
make at least 1 person fall in love w me
do what i want