Lemurs-are-the-Shit

going to OSU, natural resource management, specialized in parks and rec. id love to be a ron swanson but probably more like a tom haverford. I don't really take much seriously so I post a lot of goofy shit. I am a huge nerd. Anyway, enjoy, also ask me stuff, I love questions

[bandtshirt]

LMAOOOOOOOOO

[theblackd4hlia]

no but seriously one time i ordered something from adam & eve (surprise a big ol dildo) and the order said discreet shipping and i was like cool ya know cause i lived with three dudes in an apartment and also had to go to the apartment office to pick up my package so discreet is dope and i got the package delivery notification like sick im about to dick myself so i walked my happy horny ass down to the office and told the lady my name and she went into the package delivery room to grab it and it took her a minute and she came out with a dick shaped bag just grasping the shaft of it and i looked at it mortified and had to grab the balls part of the package from the woman and she let go and it just wiggled and i could feel the squish through the bag and it was just horrible

[anonbuddha]

If it’s any consolation, I get it. I’m a trans guy who wears a packer. One day I was in the restroom and pulled my pants down. I really had to go so I did it fast and the magnet clip came undone and my dick flopped out of my boxers and bounced into the stall next to me.

The OCCUPIED stall next to me.

I wanted to die. There was this horrible forever silence moments. Then the dude just goes, “Uh, you dropped your dick man,” and nudges it over with his foot.

[palaceofthedeadmemes]

LMAO YOU DROIPPED YOUR DICK MAN

[theryanproject]

😅😅😅

[livinthebonglife]

Bruh my mom grabbed my dildo package and I wasn’t looking and said “neat what’s with the package?” And she just quietly sat it on the table and left. I wanted to die

[brbjellyfishing]

fuck it up Cathleen!!!!!!!

[mimikyyuu]

doctors in tweets be like

[dxactivatxdusxr]

A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was “he’s got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he’d be more comfortable” and it made me realise the world isn’t all that bad

[fitzefitcher]

#this is team skull

[its-just-a-phage]

The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying “You can pet me, but don’t pick me up!” One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him “did you see the sign?” He said “yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don’t pet them!” Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said “I didn’t read it right did I?” And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said “its ok, i know you’ve got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits” And I still haven’t gotten over that interaction.

[yallmightt]

I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He’s a little thing tbh we call him short and long. So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like “hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your’s is so small I think it’s a good place to start.” Ofc I was like “yes he’s very friendly!” So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks “can I pick him up?” And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two’s lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes “hey man, it’s okay just relax I’d never let anything hurt you. He’s a good boy.” I’ll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me (5'3 , glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy looking little thing) and was like ‘ah yes the two least intimidating living things I’ve seen in Boston all day he’ll feel relaxed around them’ and went out of his way to help his friend. It makes me so happy

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

My husband had this Dungeons and Dragons group ages ago, and one of the guys was TERRIFIED of cats.  The moment he sees one he freezes up and can barely breathe.  Said guy is almost seven feet tall and solid wall of muscle.  Whenever he came over I’d put the cats in the bedroom and chill out with a book because my cats don’t like being shut away without one of us. 

One of my cats was pawing at the door and meowing loudly, an indication she REALLY needs to use the litter box.  I let her out and decide, hey, I’m hungry, and decide to the kitchen.  I forgot to shut the bedroom door. 

Next thing I hear is the group going completely silent.  My husband very calmly asks me to come over and help him gather our two cats up.  I go over to where the group is and my black cat, Cacoa, is rubbing up against the guy’s leg, purring, and doing her “let me on your lap” meow.  The other cat, Jasper, is sitting at the window, chilling out.  I go over and pick up Cacoa and tell the big dude she’s harmless, loves laps, and would be thrilled if he pet her.  Very slowly he touches my cat’s face, and she leans right into his hand.  He then pets her back and sighs because she’s really soft and purring like mad.  After a few minutes he asks how to pick her up and if it’s okay if she sits on his lap.

He spent the next six hours spoiling my cat.  The next week he showed up with cat treats and toys because he fell in love with the cats.  He told me he was doing some research on house cats, and even talked to a vet about them.  A couple months later he adopted two cats and was as thrilled and excited as a new parent. 

[ruffboi-mags]

Oh no a new one!!!

[jack-the-lion]

Blessed post.

[anaalihelmisimpukka]

I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went ”I always wanted to learn how to ride but I’m afraid of horses because they’re so huge. If I could ride ponies like this, maybe I’d dare but now I’m too big and heavy for them.” You should have seen his face when I told them that actually they’re not ponies, just small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I’m helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride.

[stealthclaw1]

A few years ago my sister and I were in Daytona Beach, and we saw this huge, burly biker. Looked like the stereotypical biker: big black beard, the goggles, leather, and a bandana. He also had a baby carrier, and in that baby carrier was a tiny little orange Pomeranian. We complimented his dog and he said, in one of the deepest voices I’ve ever heard, “thanks, his name’s Little Bear!” And he told us about how he’d take Little Bear out on his motorcycle everyday and how much the dog loved it.

[depressedanxietydeath]

Such a lovely post.

[thesuperheroesnetwork]

Texts From Superheroes

Facebook | Twitter | Patreon

[markocomics]

Problem solving

Not based on any current events going, not at all. Nuh-uh. 

[iraffiruse]

[gloryychildren]

NO PHOTOSET HAS MADE ME HAPPIER.

[pixiedust-paycheck]

MY FAVORITE PHOTOSET IS BACK

[destinymoonart]

WOW QUEEN

[destinymoonart]

She did that for give Mario good luck of course

[destinymoonart]

BUENOS DIAS MARIO

[dicksmasher]

[apisashla]

Your toes, hand em over

[whitmanic]

My mom kept all our baby teeth but she didn’t separate them so there’s just a box she had with like. Three sets of random teeth mixed around

[whitmanic]

Okay I’m so sorry this isn’t actually funny but it’s like. Really funny. I’m so sorry

[bigasspants]

wtf dogs lose their teeth. also who the fuck keeps baby teeth that’s horrific

[pottamux]

My mom kept my baby teeth. And then my second set fell out so I kept those in a little bag and now we both have a set of my baby teeth.

[chambylin]

wait what. how many teeth do you have im so confused.

[pottamux]

I had 3 sets of teeth. So did my older brother. It was weird cause I’d had them for a few years and then they all started coming out all at once. Had a full new set in like 2 weeks. My dentist said it was fine since nothing grew out of place so idk.

[whitmanic]

I’m sorry what you grew teeth like a shark? What?

[shadovvlurking]

When i was younger I watched my babysitter take a plastic bag containing all her baby teeth and crushed them all into powder under the leg of a chair bc she was bored

[whitmanic]

Excuse me?

[kallypsowrites]

This post is like getting punched repeatidly, but from a different angle each time

[buzzfeed]

18 Pictures That Prove Group Projects Are Pure Hell

[wordsofdiana]

“No, you move.”

[dankmemeuniversity]

[rinasaurusrex]

Bold of you to assume there will be icebergs by 2022

[capacity]

Us after reading this caption

[tastefullyoffensive]

How to make Dead Chicken With Old Milk. (via jackapollo)

[keeperofthirteen-deactivated201]

This actually looks good. How do we turn it into actual food.

[dawn0star-deactivated20191205]

im going into shock

[dynastylnoire]

Hansel and Gretel GPS took me out

[ayalaatreides]

This entire video is the embodiment of that “I GUESS” comic.

[thesuperheroesnetwork]

Gotham City Forensic Files (x)

[mcweaksauce]

This video was wonderful (and best Riddler origin story ever)

[ultrafacts]

Source Click HERE to Follow the Ultrafacts Blog!

[vancity604778kid]

ALICE ROOSEVELT WAS HARDCORE. “She was known as a rule-breaker in an era when women were under great pressure to conform. The American public noticed many of her exploits. She smoked cigarettes in public, swore at officials, rode in cars with men, stayed out late partying, kept a pet snake named Emily Spinach (Emily as in her spinster aunt and Spinach for its green color) in the White House, and was seen placing bets with a bookie. 

[optimysticals]

So what I’m reading here is, she was a Roosevelt?

[catsuitmonarchy]

Well I have a new hero.

[khoshekh-yourself-deactivated20]

Her whole wikipedia article is gold

“When her father was governor of New York, he and his wife proposed that Alice attend a conservative school for girls in New York City. Pulling out all the stops, Alice wrote, ‘If you send me I will humiliate you. I will do something that will shame you. I tell you I will.’”

“Her father took office in 1901 following the assassination of President William McKinley, Jr. in Buffalo (an event that she greeted with “sheer rapture.”)“

“During the cruise to Japan, Alice jumped into the ship’s pool fully clothed, and coaxed a congressman to join her in the water. (Years later Bobby Kennedy would chide her about the incident, saying it was outrageous for the time, to which the by-then-octogenarian Alice replied that it would only have been outrageous had she removed her clothes.”

“She was dressed in a blue wedding dress and dramatically cut the wedding cake with a sword (borrowed from a military aide attending the reception)”

“When it came time for the Roosevelt family to move out of the White House, Alice buried a Voodoo doll of the new First Lady, Nellie Taft, in the front yard.”

“Later, the Taft White House banned her from her former residence—the first but not the last administration to do so. During Woodrow Wilson’s administration (from which she was banned in 1916 for a bawdy joke at Wilson’s expense)…”

“As an example of her attitudes on race, in 1965 her African-American chauffeur and one of her best friends, Turner, was driving Alice to an appointment. During the trip, he pulled out in front of a taxi, and the driver got out and demanded to know of him, “What do you think you’re doing, you black bastard?” Turner took the insult calmly, but Alice did not and told the taxi driver, “He’s taking me to my destination, you white son of a bitch!”

“To Senator Joseph McCarthy, who had jokingly remarked at a party “Here’s my blind date. I am going to call you Alice”, she sarcastically said “Senator McCarthy, you are not going to call me Alice. The trashman and the policeman on my block call me Alice, but you may not.”

[mewjounouchi]

I love this woman.

[distractedbyshinyobjects]

WOMEN WHO NEED FUCKEN MOVIES.

[wolf-the-whumper]

I WOULD WATCH THIS SHIT 20000X OVER

[vizual-demon]

It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers (2002, dir. Peter Jackson)

[keybladesoras]

DAY IS MADE!