Alone

[javiisol]

Maybe im meant to be alone.

To simply observe love

from a distance,

So i dont taint the idea of it.

Maybe, i was made to

Love the idea of Love

[sissigotbored-deactivated202104]

18th of Mach, 2020

As of today, I have one year left to live. Four seasons. I will keep working hard to get myself together and to recover. I will do my best every day and I will not give up. Because I know how much time is left. If, after a year, I see that nothing has changed and the maximum effort is still not enough, then I will end the further suffering. To live in constant pain is a constant waiting and yearning for the end to come, but also a constant hope that discourages suicide. So, dear hope, I'll give you one more year. I wanted to "officially" write it down somewhere as a confirmation of the weight of my decision.

[understands]

[persephoneshellhounds]

I have mastered the art of making myself small; the years have taught me how to fold myself step by step, edge to edge into pinwheels and paper lilies mindlessly left in infinitesimal space — an instinct — a secret slipping into the unconscious, left beneath the mattress, left behind the doors.

The years — they’ve taught me how to take my heart out — take it apart and fold it into a thousand paper cranes —

all cooped up in my ribs.

Their wings, decaying with all the wishes I never allowed myself to make.

Their beaks, pecking on the flowers, on the wheels, on my skin: an obsession, a compulsion, a ritual for symmetry,

a constant flipping, a ceaseless folding,

until I am small enough — insignificant enough to attract no attention, to remain unseen, unheard, unnoticed in the room.

And here, in this infinitesimal space I have mastered the art of making myself small.

— Fria

[javiisol]

[javiisol]

[inanimalis]

[3ziiz]

[emilydb]

[lovelustquotes]

[pastels-and-peaches]

I’ve come to a realization,

I am not “happy”

BUT

I am not “sad” either!

[understands]

[deemaafs]

You’re too blind to see and i’m too tired to tell.

[understands]

[aesthetichideout]

everything comes at once. Sometimes we thing we cant escape from reality. those feelings are just in our heads doing they’re thing to slowly turn us dark

[lustfulcigarettes]

[3-49am-thoughts]