LDN

🌈undefeated gaylord🌈

[je-ne-garde]

Basically I’ve moved to twitter

LA🏳️‍🌈 (@StupendousTrash) on Twitter

[podencos]

Unless we share a telepathic link I no longer have anything to say

[thegoodvybe]

do you ever shift in bed slightly and suddenly youre in the most perfect sleeping position ever and you feel like the fucking planets are aligned

[symphonicseauxl]

and then you have to pee

[je-ne-garde]

😞uGH

[bob-belcher]

[je-ne-garde]

Couldn’t feel worse atm

[fuck-customers]

A few years back, I was a waitress at a breakfast diner. On the menus there are pictures of omelettes. The omelettes pictured are yellow.

It’s 11 at night, I get the last table before closing, and it’s a girl my age. She asks for tea and an egg white omelette. So I bring over her egg white omelette, and she starts screaming. Why? Because it’s not yellow like in the picture on the menu, it’s white, so something must be wrong. I explained that the yolk is what makes omelettes yellow, and she didn’t want egg yolks. She’s still mad, and yells again. And then realizes she could eat while she’s yelling, so she does, and I get to watch her chew with her mouth open while she rants about eggs. I’m exhausted and dying inside. She finally stops. I ask if she wants a refill of tea, and she says yes. She’s quiet for the rest of her meal, for which I am very grateful.

After she paid and left, I collected her receipt. On it, she wrote in all caps “I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW EGGS WORK BUT IT WAS YUMMY.” She left a $20 bill on the table as a tip. She also left some pills in a bag that my manager sent to the police, which were identified as some sort of amphetamine. 

Don’t do drugs kids, you’ll forget how eggs work.

[yiffmaster]

your boss can’t garnish your tips like that

[gaylor-moon]

you have my interest

[unseelie]

i am sitting on the couch, i hear tapping on the door behind me, i turn around and see this

what do i do

[unseelie]

he is here….

[narcissus-thee-squeekual]

i still lose it every time i see this post because someone let a fucking goose into their house just because tumblr said to and if that doesn’t perfectly define all of our experiences on this shitty excuse for a website i dont know what does  

[amkrii]

How else would you pet the goose if you did not let him in?

[kedreeva]

I used to let my turkey free range because she was polite and stuck nearby and liked to eat bugs, and one day I went out and I couldn’t find her in my own yard and so, worried that she’s bothering the neighbors, I walk over to their yard through the little woods between us

And there she is

Standing at their back door

Tapping on the glass

And the lady comes to the door, and mind you I’ve never actually met my neighbors yet, and she starts letting Joslin into her house!

So I yell, and burst out of the trees, startling everyone, and start apologizing for my bird bothering them, and the lady looks absolutely baffled

“Your bird?”

Apparently this wasn’t the first time Joslin had done this

Apparently she’d just been over visiting my neighbor for weeks

And my neighbor just dead-ass thought she was hanging out with a wild turkey

She just let an entire wild turkey into her house without question

And my dumb bird apparently would just go in, inspect everything, and then walk out again

I cannot even imagine what this lady was thinking, she just accepted that she’s getting a house inspection from mother nature a few times a week.

I’m not surprised at all someone let a farm goose in. Humans have no sense of self preservation when it comes to things that we might get to pet.

[thisiselliz]

I like when shit just works out

[reblogable-memes]

Team “I imagined a scenario too hard and it upset me”

[lookatthesefuckingbirds]

[biboenvivo-deactivated20190629]

[munchausenbyproxy]

shout out to the funniest tag ive ever fuckin seen

[sanelirams]

Be with someone who actually gives a fuck about your bad days

[veryfunnymemes]

[goawfma]

“sorry to hear that” 💀💀💀💀💀

[hundondestiny]

she said if u got beef she’s a vegetarian i’m

[stolentweets]

[issagif]