DO YOU HAVE COMPANY COMING OVER, BUT YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE SMOKE OR YOURÂ MOLDÂ EXPERIMENTS OR CAT PISS OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?
WELL SLAP MY ASS AND CALL ME BRILLIANT, BECAUSE THIS SHIT ISNâT EDIBLE, BUT ITâLL MAKE YOUR HOUSE SMELL LIKE A GODDAMN CHURCH CHOIR SINGING HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH IN YOUR NASAL PASSAGE! (YOU SHOULD GET RID OF WHATEVERâS STINKING UP YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE AS WELL, MORON) RUN YOUR CLASSY ASS OVER TO THE STORE AND MAKE SURE YOUâRE PREPARED FOR THE MIND-FUCK OF THIS SHIT. YOUâLL WANT Â 1Â ORANGE, A SMALL BAG OF CRANBERRIES, 3Â CINNAMON STICKS, GROUND CLOVES, NUTMEG, 2Â LEMONS, ROSEMARY AND VANILLA. THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS OF THIS THAT YOU CAN COOK, BECAUSE CLASSY-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS NEED VARIETIES IN THEIR LIFE! THE FIRST IS âCHRISTMASâ AND THE SECOND DOESNâT HAVE A DAMN NAME, BUT ITâS FUCKING WONDERFUL.
ONLY HAVE ONE POT OF THIS SHIT GOING, ITâS CRAZY POWERFUL.
âCHRISTMASâ CHOP UP THE ORANGE, SKIN AND ALL, BECAUSE YOU DONâT JOKE AROUND WITH THIS SORT OF SHIT. USE YOUR WARRIOR STRENGTH TO BREAK THE CINNAMON STICKS IN HALF, LIKE YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF SNAPPING THE FEMURS OF DRAGONS BEFORE YOU SUCKED THE MARROW OUT. THROW THE ORANGE AND CINNAMON STICK PIECES INTO THE POT, OR IF YOUâRE NOT CONFIDENT WITH YOUR AIM, YOU CAN SET THEM GENTLY INSIDE. SHOVE A SMALL SPOONFUL OF NUTMEG AND A SMALL SPOONFUL OF CLOVES INTO THE POT. THEN FILL THAT FUCKER UP WITH WATER UNTIL THEREâS ONLY AN INCH OF LEEWAY BETWEEN THE WATER AND EDGE, BECAUSE YOUâRE A DAREDEVIL MOTHERFUCKER.
NOW SET YOUR STOVE TO A LOW-MEDIUM SETTING, AND LEAVE IT SITTING THERE TO MARINATE IN ITâS OWN QUIET ACCEPTANCE OF DEATH. DONâT COVER THIS FUCKER, BECAUSE THE SMELL OF IT IS GOING TO INVADE YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN HOUSE. THAT WHICH WILL NOT BE NAMED THE OTHER VERSION OF BOILING POTPOURRI Â ONLY HAS LEMONS, ROSEMARY SPRIGS AND VANILLA.
RIP THE LEMON INTO CHUNKS WHILE SOLVING THREE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES IN YOUR HEAD AND YELLING AT YOUR FLATMATE TO LEAVE YOUR OTHER EXPERIMENTS ALONE, THEN BE A CHAMPION BY NOT USING A MEASURING TOOL WHEN SPLASHING 1 TABLESPOON OF VANILLA INTO THE POT.
TOSS IN THE ROSEMARY SPRIGS AFTER YOUâVE STARED THEM INTO SUBMISSION. FILL THAT SUCKER WITH WATER AND PUT IT ON THE HEAT. Â
YOU LEAVE IT ON FOR 2 HOURS AT THE START OF THE DAY, THEN TURN IT ON AGAIN AN HOUR BEFORE GUESTS GET TO YOUR HOME AND LEAVE IT ON ALL EVENING. TAKE A WHIFF UP CLOSE EVERY FEW HOURS, BECAUSE THE FRUIT WILL START TO SMELL WEIRD AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THATâS WHEN YOU TURN IT OFF.
WHEN YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE THEYâLL HAVE TO STEP BACK AND EXCLAIM âHOLY MOTHERFUCKING TITS, THIS IS ONE CLASSY HOMEâ
Not gonna lie, Iâm mostly reblogging this because reading it is so thoroughly enjoyable.
I really love aggressive recipes
Iâve wanted to do this for a long time. Gotta try it!!
And while the pot(s) are simmering, stamp around the house in your biggest, heaviest boots, clashing two saucepan lids together and shouting âSMELL BETTER, DAMMIT!â at the top of your voice - because, after these instructions, just sitting quietly while the scent develops is a bit of an anti-climaxâŚ
Stamp around counterclockwise along with all of the above and youâve just crossed the line from aggressive cleaning into full-on witchy banishing.
