Jillbean

Chapter 2, life after loss

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When Your Child Becomes Yoda

When Your Child Becomes Yoda

My son is a college student and a video gamer. His favorite game is OSU! Involving clicking on circles that move in time to music in complex patterns. He has gotten good enough at it to have a following and often posts videos to YouTube on the subject. I watched one of his more recent videos and was truly amazed. The advice he gave to his community was the best life advice I have ever heard…

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The Sword and the Butter Knife

The Sword and the Butter Knife: learning to thrive and live and intentional life.

Some time ago someone I respect gave me some very good advice. He said he could see I’d been surviving and getting on pretty well, but that now it was time to put down the butter knife and pick up the sword and really start thriving. I have been thinking about this for a long time now, trying to figure out what it really means to me. I like I good butter knife with a little weight to it. I am…

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A Fairy Tale For A New Era

A Fairy Tale For A New Era

I am old enough that I was raised on all the original pre-Disney version of fairy tales found in actual books, made of paper. You know the ones where the heroine having gone through some terrible trial is rescued by prince charming. My mother would read these bedtime stories to me and my sisters. We loved to hear about Rapunzel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Red Riding Hood and…

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Sitting with Myself

Sitting with Myself: reflecting on the irony of recent events.

I am currently suffering from an overdose of irony. It is ironic that my late husband suffered from chronic back problems, without a clear diagnosis of how they started and why they persisted. Now here I am with a back problem brought on by something as frivolous as jumping rope, clearly seen on both x ray and MRI.

Aside from the utter shock of having essentially a ‘broken back’ my first…

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Mind, Body, Spirit...Move?

Mind, Body, Spirit...Move? A series of events prevent me from doing exercise.

Then there is exercise. Bodies need to move.

I thought that joining a gym was the answer for me. I was dedicated and went 3-4 times a week faithfully. I did weight training. I walked and ran on the treadmill. I pedaled on the stationary bikes, huffing and puffing all the way. I was so proud of my progress and I lost exactly ZERO pounds in four months. Then came the holidays and a nasty…

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Mind, Body, Spirit

Mind, Body, Spirit: Pursuing health by changing my relationship with food.

My relationship to food, like most Americans is complicated. It is the part of my quest for health that I am still trying to get a handle on. I realize that this kind of “problem” is actually a privilege that much of the world does not have the resources or opportunity to have. I want to be able to maintain a healthy weight and feel good. I am fortunate to have a group of people, my adopted…

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Let's Hear it for the Girls!

Let's Hear it for the Girls! I spent the day doing something for myself...bra shopping.

My job as a nurse is physically, mentally and emotionally challenging at times. This week my emotions have run the gamut from laughter as a group of us were huffing and puffing in our new N-100 masks and hearing my coworkers say “Luke, I am your father”… to near tears trying to help my patient position his arm in a way that would not hurt during his biopsy. So it is no wonder that today I was…

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Pain is a Dish Best Served with Chopsticks

Pain is a Dish Best Served with Chopsticks

Pain. It is inescapable.  If you are alive you will have pain. Mental pain, physical pain, broken heart.  I have been thinking a lot about pain and trauma since my husband died.  How have I experienced pain? Some times it is very physical. My heart/chest feels the ache. I feel heavy and slow. It can set my stomach roiling and make me nauseous, or catch me off guard and make it hard to take a deep…

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Upside Down and Inside Out

Upside Down and Inside Out

I’ve been thinking a lot about how the world, in light of COVID-19 has been flipped upside down. The movers and shakers have been immobilized. The powerful and the popular pushed aside. If you have been on social media at all you know that the extroverts feel they have been thrown into a desert with no water in sight.

I am an introvert. I need spaces of quiet and solitude to recharge and…

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This Is Me

Who we are is affected by how we see ourselves and the world around us. Whether we feel we can have affect on it, or if we feel we are powerless. Am I worthwhile? Am I worthy of love?

I had a dream recently that I was at rehearsal, singing, but I couldn’t focus. My contacts were dry and there were annoying floaters. It was so bad that I kept getting distracted and forgetting the words. In my…

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The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

The journey begins on the last day. March 9, 2019, the day my husband died. K., my husband of 22 years was at home alone that morning. He’d suffered for years with both chronic pain and Bipolar. Those two things had stolen a lot of joy and hope from K., but I had always seen a future with Kim in it,…

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Philippians 4:13 Live

“Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” Philippians 4:13 MSG

Recently I got a call from my son that his car wouldn’t start. I’d already left for work, so I called and checked in and then headed back home to see what I could do. When I got there it was clear that the car was not going to start. It just went click, click, click. After…

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Word

It is no secret that I love words. Words have weight and flavor. They can create, propel, release. They can just as easily cut, imprison and destroy. For me different kinds of word expressions are like different kind of art media. A text is a quick doodle on paper. An email is color drawing with nice pencils. Poetry, books and handwritten letters are true masterpieces; oil on canvas. They take…

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The Salt Shaker and the Can Opener

Have you ever said “boy I wish I could use a can opener on his head and see what is inside?” I have often thought that about my son, because I find him fascinating and engaging when I can get him talking about the things that he knows and enjoys. I think that if we could actually do that, or if we had flip-top heads we could open and peer in, but it really wouldn’t be of that much value.  In my…

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Into the New Year

Into the New Year

I took a break from writing over the Christmas/New Year holiday, and spent some time with my family. Just before that I managed to complete my book Grief: From Ashes to Life (And All the Crazy In Between). It is the collection of my blog posts with some editing. It is currently available on Lulu.com https://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?keyWords=Grief%3A+From+Ashes+to+Life+%28And+All+the+Crazy+In+B…

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Christmas Packs a Wallop

Christmas Packs a Wallop

It is the Christmas season. Christmas is the chief of all the American holidays. It is loaded with activities: parties, decorating, family, gifts and all kinds of food. There is heavy pressure from the commercial side to go all out and it starts right around Thanksgiving.  I personally don’t want to see Christmas decorations, or hear Christmas music until AFTER Thanksgiving. This year I did not…

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Out of the Ashes

Out of the Ashes

I feel like I have been through the fire. Like I have been covered with a thick layer of charred skin that has built up over time. Every time a new hurt, disappointment, or crisis occurred my “skin” would crack a little, and pain would bleed out. In a short time the anger and defensiveness would come cover that area and the scar would become a little thicker.

The initial shock and numbness…

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