Your Not So Typical Gemini.

Jillian and Ms.JillyJillz, the two most common personalities from many. My world in words, the chaos of my mind. Single mom, iPhone Photographer and a writer trying to provide the world for my son while maintaining my own happiness and sanity. Join me on that journey through whole truth, nothing more nothing less on my experiences in life, through writing, pictures and videos.

[jillyjillz]

Hard to Love ❤️

[jillyjillz]

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

I sat at the train station for an hour today. Trying to process what happened. If i should go back to you or just go home. I text you and tried to make peace to no avail. Same story diffrent person. I go through this shit more times then none. Someone does something that pisses me off, either I react or I address it or shut down and avoid it. Regardless what route I choose I feel guilty. I hate fighting. I hate knowing that someone I care for maybe feeling a way because of something i did. Still I either let my pride take over me and front like I dont care or I try to make amends. When I try to make amends 90% of the time the person continues to shit on me...whether they are ignoring me or respond being defensive and not takin responsibility for their actions watever it is i get shitted on . So i continue to feel like shit. Or following my pride i dont say or do shit but still feel like shit behind this front of not giving a fuck. I wish I wasnt like this. I wish I wasnt bothered by the shit people do, or care about how they feel after. It would spare me so many headaches and heartaches. Damned if i do damned if i dont, regardless people are going to act however they want and say whatever they want to me. No fear of consequences because either Im gonna deal with it or not. Damned if I do, damned if I dont again. Cuz I deal with it with hope the people will change and I continue to have to deal with the bullshit. I dont and keep it moving, I become the fucked up person who turns their back on people I care for. So what the hell am I suppose to do to make sure I am happy with no burden of guilt?

[jillyjillz]

I want success doing something with music. Not the fame of being an artist, however something behind the scenes an inspiration in my own right.

Ms.jillyjillz

[jillyjillz]

He's perfect. Even when he's being a brat.

[jillyjillz]

Its been a while.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t how I am. I am a sensitive being with a tough exterior that is there as a front. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve.I take things to heart all the time, but I love even harder. I feel so much, and I sit here and wish I didn’t feel things at all.   I suffer at the hands of everyone else because I am always more concerned about how I make other people feel rather then being concerned for myself. I am quick to anger when I am hurt but even quicker to forgive and move on. Nobody has a heart like mine, and I need to remind myself of that. When people don’t give as much as I do I am always left feeling hurt, but no one has a heart like mine. I am unique and I need to remind myself of that when things don’t go how I envisioned them. “Jillian no one thinks like you, they don’t have the same consideration as you, rather then be mad at them or yourself sympathize. It must be tough to be so wrapped up in yourself that you can’t think about the next person for a second.” This needs to be my new conversation with myself. Bc I take it soo personally when people don’t act how I expect them to, or how I would act in a certain situation. Focus on you and what you do. Don’t beat yourself up for giving to much when others give too little. Don’t project anger when people don’t take into consideration your feelings. Instead hold your head up and smile because the world is full with so many people like that, you are in rare form. YOU my dear are someone of value, and although may not be appreciated in the moment, with time you will be.  

[jillyjillz]

Hypocrite to Myself Am I hypocrite to myself to say I hate judgmental people. That right there is a judgment, no? So do I hate myself/ There is a method to my madness...justification for my hypocrisy. In the simplest terms you never know the next person struggles. Not trying to be poetic or philosophical However I have lived it, as I am sure everyone else has one way or another. I have been the person who fakes a smile but is dying on the inside. I also have been the person who is mean to other people because of something I am lacking or going through...lashing out I know what it feels like to be on top of the world and feel like you have it all, at the same time i know what it feels like to be empty and question your self-worth. To some my struggles are nothing com[pared to what they go through or have gone through. To others they can not fathom all the shit I have been through, and I still stand tall with my head held high and a smile always looking for the positive in every situation. It took a lot to get to being this person, however this is why I refuse to judge people and dislike being around people who are quick to judge. You do not know what it took for a person to get out of bed this morning. Jada said it best, "we are all in the same game just different levels, dealing with the same hell just different devils."

[jillyjillz]

On the Other Side of Fear

What holds you back? Fear? Fear of failure or fear of judgement from your peers? Fear of hard work? Fear of achievement? Let go of the fear whatever it is. I get it, its easier said then done. This is my everyday struggle. At 29, I am tired of letting it control me. I am tired of holding myself back because of fear of judgment from people who at the end of the day do not live their life for me. They do not live their life for my son. So...fuck em'. I have realized that no matter what you do people are going to pass judgement. So don't let that fear hold you back. Let it inspire you to go for the things you want, without allowing any fear to get in the way. You've got to do it for you not for anyone else. Make a wish, set a goal and believe in yourself with all of your heart.

[jillyjillz]

Footnotes for a Broken Heart 💔💔

this too shall pass. The heartache you feel is temporary I can promise you that. The dark clouds will clear up to clear blue beautiful skies. Just keep that chin help up so your crown doesn't fall in the meantime.

[captn-sara-holmes]

Commentary on saying ‘leave me alone’ when you don’t actually want to be alone.

I saw a post that was just a heading, saying: when I say leave me alone, do everything, but never fucking leave me.

I’m going to disagree with this. And I’m going to do so out of what I feel is a duty to my friends and followers who have anxiety and behavioral issues, up to and including anything from being a confused teenager to borderline personality disorder.

I used to pull this all the time. I even took the time to tell the people around me that when I said ‘leave me alone’ I actually meant something else. But you know what, as I’ve grown up I’ve realized that that is impractical and unfair. It was deeply egocentric to think that everyone could understand how my brain worked (works) and having conflicting meanings in what I said and wanted just set me and my closest friends up for failure.

It’s hard, but you’ve got to learn better ways. Learn to say ‘I am a fucking state right now but can you please stay I appreciate it.’ Learn to blurt ‘can you make me a drink.’ Learn to trust your friends and trust that they will help you without you having to push back to get a response you believe you need.

Break that habit of trying to push people away just to check they’ll stay. Be brave and go positive. “You’ll stay, right?” works so much better than cutting yourself off and hoping someone comes to you.  

[jillyjillz]

This makes so much sense.

[jillyjillz]

Love in its purest form.

[jillyjillz]

[jillyjillz]

[jillyjillz]

[jillyjillz]

You shouldn't settle for what is expected.

[jillyjillz]

The thing about life...

[jillyjillz]

#bucketlist Visit Egypt. My fav piece of art at the #metropolitanmuseumofart.

[jillyjillz]

My muse for everything I want in life. #kingjustice. Its all for him.