Jordan Phoenix @jordanphoenixwrite - Tumblr Blog

I Am The False Creator.

My life is a joke it's a fucking joke because as it fucking turns out I am a dangerous abusive monster like I said I was and I am now dangerous to the population and need federal action taken to reign me in I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting and I want to ask for help and I'm trying to ask for help and I'm doing it WRONG because I AM NOT ASKING IN THE RIGHT WAY AND NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I NEED IF I DON'T FUCKING ASK AND ITS MY FAULT ITS MY FAULT ITS MY FUCKING FAULT I WISH I HAD DIED I WISH I HADN'T TRIED FUCKING ANYTHING I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD I WISH I WAS DEAD BECAUSE I HAVE JUST PROVEN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT I AM A POISON AND I WILL ALWAYS FUCKING POISON THE WORLD WHEREVER I AM NO MATTER WHERE I AM OR WHAT I TRY TO DO I ALWAYS BRING POISON I ALWAYS FUCKING POISON THE GROUND I WALK ON AND NO ONE BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID I WAS A DANGEROUS PERSON AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT NOW IM HERE AND I HAVE CAUSED MORE POISON THAN MOST HUMANS EVER DO IN THEIR LIFETIME. I AM DISGUSTING I AM DISGUSTING I AM DISGUSTING I AM DISGUSTING I AM DISGUSTING I AM DISGUSTING

I am disgusting and fucking insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane and I don't fucking deserve to live I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane I am insane and unwell and I am a fucking poison on the entire fucking world and I wish I was fucking dead I am literally completely goddamn fucking repulsive I'm repulsive I'm repulsive I'm REPULSIVE and I have lost everything I have lost everything because of my pride because of my ego I am disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting because I refuse to fucking get help because I literally do not fucking understand how to ask anyone for the help I need because I try to be fucking honest with my therapist and nothing ever gets done I am a poison I am a poison I am a poison I am a poison

#and now people know I am a plague on society.

Everything I have believed my entire life is a LIE. everything I understood about myself and my identity is a LIE. I don't care about anyone except myself. I'm not kind, I'm manipulative. I'm not compassionate, I look down on people. I only care about looking good, being smarter, better, "righter". I have to be better than everyone so my compassion looks genuine and not what it really is--euphoria at being the smartest one in the room. Delight that I can extend compassion because awww poor you, you aren't as smart as I am, or introspective as I am. You can't think like I can, so I will show you compassion to make myself feel more superior to you. If I'm not the best in the room, I don't want to be in the room. THATS why I'm a narcissistic abuser. Because every relationship is built around how I benefit. I am putrid and disgusting and unfixable. That is why I deserve to die. That is why I NEED to die. Because I do not care about anyone other than myself and I DELIGHT in making others feel inferior to me. If you cannot serve me then you are of no concern. If you don't feed my ego you are WORTHLESS to me. That's why I'm an abuser. That's why I deserve to die and relieve the world of being a fucking burden.

I'm repulsive I'm goddamn fucking repulsive it's all in my head I fucking did this to myself and it's my fault I'm suffering I need to die I need to die I need to fucking die I'm DISGUSTING I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting I'm disgusting

Please let me kill myself I know everyone would be happier everyone would be so happy and proud if I could commit suicide I'm of more value to this world dead than alive I am more precious to the universe if I can snap my neck on the door handle again everyone would be happier and grateful if I could commit suicide I know it's true I know it's true I know for a fact that it's true it's more true than my gender it's more true than my body it's more true than gravity it's more true than the sun it's more true than God it's more true than the air in my lungs it is more true than any undeniable fact in the world that the world would be a better place if I committed suicide tonight.

I want to die I want to die I want to die please don't make me stay alive please don't make me live through my life please let me commit suicide please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

I don't want any version of my life back I don't want anything to do with living I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die so fucking bad I wish I had killed myself when I had the chance I wish I hadn't taken off the rope from my neck I wish I was currently decomposing I wish I wish I was dead because I have lost every important thing that matters in the world because everything that is important is invisible and I've lost it I've lost all of it I've lost everything I've lost everything I've lost everything that gives life meaning and purpose and now I know that the entire world hasn't been real since before I was born I know that nothing in this world is real at all nothing is real at all and it hurts it hurts I've never ever ever been in more pain than I am now and I just want to die I want to die because I've grown out of the naive understanding of the world that gave me hope and now I understand that everything I believed was real and true isn't its all a lie everything is a lie even the things in the world I was told were natural are lies everything is a lie everything in the world is a lie and I just want to kill myself I want to kill myself I wish I was strong enough because I'm a coward I'm a coward I'm a coward I'm a coward only cowards choose to stay alive only cowards choose not to commit suicide I wish I had the strength to kill myself because I know I wouldn't regret it I wouldn't regret it if I died tonight I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die

I just wish I could die I wish I could die I wish I could kill myself I just wish I could kill myself I hate myself I hate the choices I've made I hate how I've decided to live my life I just want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die

God why why why did you take my voice why why why why why I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost everything I lost my singing voice forever I lost my singing voice forever

I can't ever sing again I can't ever sing again because I was stupid and damaged my throat I damaged my throat I damaged my throat I damaged my throat and lost my ability to sing forever

I can't ever sing again.

#I damaged my throat when I tried to hang myself.#grief #loss

I've never ever ever felt so completely hopeless.

Life isn't a story. It's a series of choices that build who you are as a person bit by bit.

I have chosen to wallow in my shame and remove every person in my life who has loved me, encouraged me, protected me, helped me.

I abandoned my sibling again.

There is no story.

There is no life.

There are only bricks of choices that I have used to build a wall between myself and my life, family, friends, community.

The time for hope has passed. The time for commitment has been failed.

The only thing left is death. The only thing left is cold, empty death.

There is nothing for me here.

#gryphon is grieving #I have lost everything that held meaning.

I missed my sibling's birthday today. Because I was selfish.

It was the only present I had to give them.

And I chose this instead.

#I am a despicable fucking monster.

I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up I'm going to throw up

I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

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