Steve: nancy where are my sons and daughter?
Nancy: you do realize there not actually your kids right
Steve: Nancy! Donāt talk about my sons and daughter like that!
Not today Justin

shark vs the universe

titsay

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Love Begins

Kaledo Art
Keni
I'd rather be in outer space šø

Product Placement
macklin celebrini has autism
official daine visual archive
Xuebing Du

JVL

ā
hello vonnie

Janaina Medeiros
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ojovivo
untitled
$LAYYYTER
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@joyfeather16
Steve: nancy where are my sons and daughter?
Nancy: you do realize there not actually your kids right
Steve: Nancy! Donāt talk about my sons and daughter like that!
The world is ruled by cats. After many, many years of plotting to conquer the world, they have finally done it. It has been years since then. now, humans are kept as pets. You are one of these humans. One day you discover a very ancient book that depicts humans as the rulers of the world.
i ate chef boyardee and began to cry bro that shit was so bad⦠i had noodles i could have eaten those
So while I was getting my haircut, the lady asked me if I had other plans for the day and I said:
āIām just going to pick up the boy from daycare and then itās date night.ā
And the lady says āOh! How old is he?ā
āHeās three.ā
āMine too! Where are you registering him for kindergarten itās such a hassle-ā
And thatās when I realized I said āboyā and not ādogā because I always think of Charlie as āgood boyā but this slip up has lead to a miscommunication.
The lady is now 6 minutes into a clearly needed rant about how unnecessarily complex shopping for schools is, esp when you have a neurodivergent child, so I canāt just tell her that Charlie is a dog because then sheāll feel awkward for unloading on me and she clearly has enough going on.
So the rest of the haircut became a game of āhow much can I say about Charlie without revealing that he is not a human child?ā And the answer is āenough to cover a half hour hair appointment, quite possibly several hours worth if Iām specific enoughā
āis he very verbal?ā
āIt really depends on who heās with. Heās very quiet at he but wonāt shut up if heās at the park or has a friend over.ā
āwas it hard to potty-train him?ā
āheās adopted, but I was genuinely amazed at how good he already was with hygene and potty stuff.ā
āmineās just obsessed with paw patrol and Frozen, drives me crazy!ā
āI imagine. Charlie is colorblind so heās not as into tv, but he always wants a toy if I take him anywhere with them.ā
āoh gosh the toys! And the kids are so rough on them!ā
āyeah Charlie can destroy a stuffed animal in about 2 minutes, so I only buy him the really cheap ones.ā
āDoes he throw tantrums when they break?ā
āNot really. Itās meditative, really, taking them apart. He has hysterics if the cat takes his toys though. Runs downstairs and cries at me until I retrieve it because heās not tall enough to get it out of the cat tree.ā
The Very Good Boy in question, Charleston Chew.
(if you want to read more of my much weirder adventures, I have pre-orders for my book on Patreon right now:Ā https://www.patreon.com/gallusrostromegalusĀ )
This is cute and wholesome but I had to look up this pobblebonk and Iām losing my mind
Bonk bonk!
this is the funniest twitter thread iāve ever seen in my goddamn life
āWait but donāt ask another guy Iāll do itā is making me laugh
HOW FAST CAN YOU RUN
my wifeās so cute because we both love animals so much but her way is very pure and genuine whereas my family is:
me, holding up my cat: stinky
wife: no!! donāt be mean!!!
me, swaying him back and forth in the air: stinky bastard man
wife: No!!!!!!!!
my mother, not looking up from chopping veggies: naughty boy. brat cat
wife, distraught: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In case anyone doubted the validity of my claims:Ā
The wife:
The mom:
I t s b a c k
IS THIS THE ORIGINAL OMG
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE OFFSEASON GUYS!
HAPPY HOCKEY IS BACK DAY šā¤ļø
the best alternate ending
Youāre a regular office worker born with the ability to āseeā how dangerous a person is with a number scale of 1-10 above their heads. A toddler would be a 1, while a skilled soldier with a firearm may score a 7. Today, you notice the reserved new guy at the office measures a 10.
You decide itās best to find out what you can about this person. Cautiously, you approach his desk. Heās a handsome man, tall, but with a disarming smile. How could such a friendly guy with such cute, dorky glasses be dangerous?
You extend your hand. āI noticed youāre new here. Whatās your name?ā
He shakes your hand warmly. His gaze is piercing, as if heās looking right through you. āThe nameās Clark,ā he says. āSo, how long have you worked for the Daily Planet?ā
This one wins.
Itās been a few weeks, and one of Clarkās friends shows up.Ā Sheās pretty and all, enough muscle that she must work out.Ā First thought would be that she should be maybe a 6.
Clarkās introducing her around.Ā Ā āThis is my good friend, Diana, sheās in from out of town.ā
You blink, and take a step back in fear.Ā Youāve never seen an 11 before.
The day Bruce Wayne shows up for his long promised interview with Lois Lane, you canāt help it, the mug your holding drops from your fingers and sends a shock of hot coffee and ceramic shards across the floor.
Clark stops a few feet away and squints at you worriedly from behind those ridiculous glasses youāre 99% sure he doesnāt actually need, and asks tentatively,Ā āEverything all right?ā
You ignore him in favor of staring at the inky dark numerals hovering over the beaming fool gesticulating some fantastic yacht story for a gaggle of secretaries and minor columnists.
Thatās it. Your gift has officially gone haywire. There is no other explanation. Because there is absolutely no way thatĀ Brucie Wayne is a 10.
At this point, youāve seen it all. Miled manner reporters and billionaires at a 10 and a model-like woman at 11. You were really starting to doubt your power. The day you really stopped believeing in it was when Bruce Wayne came for another visit, and this time with a kid. The kid couldnāt be more than 10 years old, a bit on the short side.
He was an 8.
The day you started believing in it again was when you saw on tv the formation of something called the justice league.
There were those same numbers over superman, batman, wonder woman and robin. Thatās when you put two and two together. You wonder how nobody at the daily planet noticed that Clarke was Superman with glasses. You wonder why you didnāt notice. You wonder why nobody put two and two together that Diana Prince and Wonder Woman looked exactly the same. You look in the mirror as the realization hit you and you see your own number change from a 3 to a 9.
I donāt think Iāve ever actually reblogged this magnificent post and thatās shame.
i just had the weirdest moment, i was feeling my front teeth with my tongue because theyāre the tiniest bit crooked, and then i had the thought āiāll check if theyāre also crooked in my other mouthā and then i realized to my shock and confusion that i have only one mouth, leading me to believe that in a past life i was a terrible monster with two mouths
A few months ago, I thought to myself āMmm Iām so tired⦠how much longer in this one again?ā and I knew instinctively what I meant by āthis oneā was this body and this life. I then spend a few wide-eyed moments having an identity/existential crisis like how many times have I been on this earth to have such an instinctive response to being bone-weary to my soul? No one can really answer, especially not me.
In July 2017, one night I woke up around 2 a.m and blurted out in a quasi professorial voice āthe Equinox Bird has infinite beaks, all in the wrong direction, and infinite eyesā and I donāt know what the fuck I was dreaming about but it still haunts me. It seemed like a very important information for a few seconds.
i really appreciate the last commenter giving us an exact date and time like that information needs to be preserved
One time I passed out on the couch after going a few days without sleep, and when I woke up mom said I had been speaking in German in my sleep, and it sounded like I was ordering people to build something
When I was like 5 my mom took me to the grave of her friend that died of cancer and I asked what happened and my mom explained that she died and i fucking said āI died onceā and my mom asked me to explain and I went into pretty detailed explanation about how I died in a war because āI got stabbed by a gun with a knife at the endā (my exact words) and I met god and she (sheās a woman obvs) asked if I wanted to stay or go back to earth and I said I wanted to go back so I chose my mom cause she was struggling to have a baby (she had me through IVF) and lemme tell you that changed her like nothing will make you second guess your religious beliefs like a five year old explaining heaven and god to you
this post is a fucking ride and it reminded me of something i forgot
one time i was playing on my wii (like 5-ish years ago) and i thought to myself āi havenāt checked on rowan in a week, has he died from the plague? :(ā and i didnāt think anything of it for a bit until later when i had a āwhat the fuckā moment
I love this kind of shit because it happens to me all the goddamn time. Like:
-The other night I rolled over in the middle of the night to shake my partner awake, proceeded to tell him how I was glad that āthis time round we would truly have the freedom to love each other properlyā and how his hands belonged to his last self, but his eyes had never changed in all the lives Iād known him. And he just laid there in the dark like wtf because I was asleep. Like Iād woken him to tell him that all in my sleep and then left him to have a crisis.
- Watching the history channel with my Pop on the couch, tender age of 7, and theyāre talking about crucifixion. And my pop, ever the funny man, is like āthat looks like it aughta hurtā. And I just turn to look at him and without hesitation reply āonly at firstā. And heās like āwhat do you meanā and tiny me just shrugged and said āwell thereās a place beyond the hurt where everything just stopsā and he turned the telly off and left the room.
- night before Christmas 2012, dreamt Iād been stabbed in the lungs by an angel with the face of a falcon. He looked at me and told me he had to do it, so that āmy next breath would come as a rebirthā. When he started to glow so brightly that it burned my eyes, I woke up to all the lights in my house on and a dark bruise beneath my rib cage. Will admit, that one freaked me out.
- walked past a graveyard with a friend back in middle school on the way to her house, and mid conversation I stopped talking and stood stock still, looked over at the walls,and quietly said āI have a friend in thereā. Then picked up the conversation and continued strolling like nothing had happened. To be fair, I didnāt realise what Iād said. She still tells me Iām the reason she canāt walk past that graveyard anymore.
- a couple of years ago when I was in Wales I walked past an old stone house just outside of Aberystwyth, and just started to weep. I had the overwhelming thought that I needed to be in there to get dinner ready for the children, but in a different life so long ago and so impossible to reach, that thefeeling of loss was instant and overwhelming.
- was about to use a pedestrian crossing, when my whole body just sort of went hey donāt do that, and so I stopped and put my arm out to stop the woman who was crossing behind me, and 2 seconds later a car came skidding around the corner and crashed into the tree on the other side of the crossing, and I just whispered āha, not this timeā and didnāt really think about it until later when I realised Iād nearly died again. (Btw i waited for th ambulance to show up and the dude driving the car was fine, just hit his head and was drunk af at 10:30am on a Thursday).
- another dream I had just this week, I was sitting in an otherwise empty cinema with a tall, thin man. I canāt really recall what he looked like, except he was well dressed, impossibly pale, and he kind of blurred when you looked directly at him, so I mainly watched him out the corner of my eye and looked ahead at the blank movie screen. He was holding my hand, and he asked me if i enjoyed my life. I said yes and explained why. He then said, almost verbatim, āAnd how does this one weigh against the last? Can it tip the scales, or is it, at last, to be found lacking?ā And I replied, almost verbatim āI weigh my lives against my joy, and each life I find there is more joy to be discovered.ā He replied with a laugh, lifted my hand to a kiss and said ātill next time thenā and disappeared. I woke up in the dark with both my cats sitting on me, alert, and staring out my bedroom door.
So many more, but these are the first that come to mind.
When I was little, my mother, my sister and I would dream in unison so often that one time when my mother was having a rather dull dream about golf my tiny 3 year old self shook her awake and told her to stop because it was boring. She dreaded having nightmares because both of us would wake up shrieking.Ā
My sister and I have also been known to argue in our sleep. Witnesses assure us that whatever made the shouting start, we both knew what it was and were mad about it. We donāt need to be in the same room for this.
We also stayed in a haunted house for a while. An old lady had fallen in the chilly hallway just outside the warm kitchen, broken her hip, and couldnāt reach high enough to open the door, so she died of hypothermia a foot away from a telephone and warmth. Without fail, every person who stood in that spot and tried to open that door - the single most used door in the house, being between the kitchen and the bathroom and front door - felt cold and found themselves scrabbling frantically at the door handle, which was always strangely hard to open from that side. You got used to it to an extent, but it always hit strangers hard.Ā
Whaaaaaaaaaat the shit
@actualcandyforducks are u jesus
The best about this is she clearly planned this but actually seeing it made her crack up so hard she could barely get the timing right for the second bit.
I was not ready
@relatable-ram
Me: *clicks video*Ā Ā āThe hell is all this abou-ā
*whistling starts*
Me:Ā
I love this stupid fucking meme
me: *shines my cellphone light in the complete pitch black dark looking for something*
my cat:
have any of yall had a weird last few weeks or is that just me & everyone i know irl? bc theres something in the air i Swear
like ok:
-one of my neighbors was straight up murdered, the cops showed up, the people who manage my building sent out an email about it, and then we just. never heard anything about it again. i tried to check for news online but thereās nothing
-five separate people i know have had real bad mental breaks
-e v e r y o n e iāve talked to abt it has been having vivid nightmares and/or trouble sleeping
-three separate people i know have been in unrelated car crashes
-one of my friends sisters just. disappeared into the woods for a few days
-a guy came up to me n my friend while we were waiting for someone else outside my building on the street yesterday and very seriously asked me where the haunted mannequin that looks out onto the street from one of our building windows is & wouldnāt accept me telling him I hadnāt seen one. he insisted it had been there since the building was built in the 90s even when i told him our building was only built two years ago
ok apparently there. is a mannequin. also it was apparently put there to replace a watchman that was murdered and listen. im not gonna say this possibly haunted mannequin has been wrecking havoc in my life and also may have murdered my neighbor but im also not NOT saying that
this bitch moved
i couldnāt get a good pic but it moved again also here r some closer pictures i found online so yall know what im dealing with!!