Bates/ Balka Wedding Write-Up: Free Jinger Style
Ahhhh. FreeJinger. That lovely site wherein you log on and see the J-Rod thread is “hot” only to find out it’s because there are five pages of people commenting about their bunions or sharing pictures of their cats or telling you how whatever it was that one fundie did? They did it better. FJ was my gateway to the existence of fundie snark so while I find it ridiculous, I do still have a soft spot for it.
Until it comes to weddings. According to FJ, no fundie ever can EVER do a wedding right. Which brings me to this … a write-up of the Bates/Balka Wedding: FJ Style.
If it’s not completely obvious, this is satire. I thought Josie Bates and Kelton Balka had a lovely wedding despite any and all references to her being his helpmeet.
Josie Bates and Kelton Balka were married Friday, October 5, 2018, at way too hot o'clock in the afternoon. The ceremony took place at Can You Believe They Made Their Guests Sit in the Direct Sunlight Even Though it was October and No One Thought it Would be That Warm?
The bride is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Gil Bates, the Mrs. being an over enthusiastic matchmaker for her daughters and always eager to push a teen girl out of the nest. The groom is the son of Mr. Balka and the late Mrs. Balka. The bride is employed at a REAL job while the groom is an entitled little jerk who had actually had the balls to express disappointment several years ago when the his crush ended their friendship.
The bride wore a gown that was equally ugly, hideous, and overpowered her small frame. She wore a Pinterest-worthy leaf crown in her overly processed blonde hair - that, frankly, should’ve been in an up do - that made her look like an extra from the Animal House toga party scene. The bridesmaid bouquets were small landscaping arrangements while the bride carried an actual jungle. It doesn’t matter what the groom wore: no one cares. The bridesmaids all looked hideous, maybe even as bad as the bride. Maid-of-honor Alyssa Bates Webster had the audacity to have a small bit of tummy visible only to the prying eye of fundamentalist baby bump watchers, even though Mrs. Webster is just a few months post-partum and has carried three children. It should also be noted that the bride’s sister, Tori Bates Smith, played violin the wedding and wore a dress that accentuated her own baby bump which is totally amoral and immodest.
The wedding was followed by a reception wherein no root beer floats appeared to be served and it seemed as though there was plenty of cake, though the cake probably tasted like sawdust and bad decisions. Guests were encouraged to do entertaining things such as play volleyball which is awful because, as you know, they’re supposed to sit around and discuss the Bible, King James version only please. No word available on whether a meal was served but these are all backwoods people from Appalachia so we can only surmise that, if there was a meal, it consisted of fried squirrel and non-alcoholic moonshine.
The couple will honeymoon in a destination not paid for by themselves. They will make their home in the Knoxville area where Mr. Balka will work as a plumber and Mrs. Balka will retire from hair cuttin’ in approximately ten months to pop out the first of many babies.
