JumboJimbopWrites

Just a writer taking things one day at time;check me out on ao3 @Emerald_Jewel_Wasp

[woahsayer]

I read the Obsession script and all of you are wrong. Bear's great sin wasn't making the wish. It's totally normal to wish your crush liked you back, and Bear didn't know the $7 toy he bought at the equivalent of a Hot Topic had actual magic powers. Bear's flaw comes in when he realizes something is deeply wrong with Nikki and does absolutely nothing to stop it or make things right until the very end. Bear is evil and cowardly, but not because he made a wish for Nikki to like him back. It is very important for you all to realize that wishing someone liked you back is not, in and of itself, a bad thing.

[jumbojimbop]

no, no, bear's wish was evil. you can see how awful it was in the way it manifested. yes, i agree, i don't think that he thought it would work. yes i agree, wanting someone to like you back is not inherently bad.

BUT:

he asked for her to love him more than anyone else in the world, including herself. he wanted to be at the top of the hierarchy above herself. he wanted to be the center of her universe, above taking care of herself, above her passions, hopes, dreams, friendships, familial relationships, and self-love. he wanted her to be at his beck and call, which is why nikki acts like that after the wish.

it's why she stands in her own piss for 9-10 hours while bear is at work. why she vomits on herself and stands there. why every time there's a conflict she resorts to sex. why she seems so hollow, why her dream of being a write suddenly vanishes overnight. because bear never wanted nikki. he didn't even know who nikki was! he wanted nikki's body and someone else inside of it who would adore him, pamper him, and love him without inconveniencing him.

if what he wanted was normal, the wish would have manifested that instead, like it did when ian wished for a billion dollars. it's not a true monkey's paw, because the one wish willow has no evil intentions.

bear is just that fucking evil.

[huliajelena]

i don’t think i can keep pretending i don’t like you anymore

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[eugeniedanglars]

i've said before that i think in 2024 one of the younger cens players (picking a name at random and saying holmberg) makes shane and ilya listen to chappell roan and they take unfathomable psychic damage from good luck babe and casual while flashing back to their situationship era, but to get even more specific about it:

i think holmberg starts them off with good luck babe since it's her big breakthrough hit and ilya is like "hm. so this is a song about being in a relationship with someone who's in denial about being gay? and they won't admit to the relationship because of it? interesting" while staring directly at shane who is making very determined eye contact with the floor.

and holmberg (clueless) is like "yeah she writes a lot of situationship anthems actually!" and puts on casual.

which allows shane to pull an instant uno reverse card and stare daggers into the side of ilya's head while going "wow, imagine what it would be like to spend years sleeping with someone who sends really confusing mixed signals by saying that what you have is casual but then treating you like it's not casual at all. that would suck."

anyway chappell roan gets banned from the cens locker room playlist out of fear of causing their captain and alternate to divorce. they make an exception for pink pony club though because they are the pink (red) pony (centaur) club

[heated-rivalry-two-souls]

Source

Everything is Romantic

[cuppydogshane]

ilya is chock full of latent uncle particles just waiting to be activated

[cuppydogshane]

ilya voice HAYDEN PIKE i am doing you the courtesy of letting you know that in 20 years your son and I will be the greatest electronica duo this world has ever seen. You are not invited to the album release party 😤

[jumbojimbop]

fat baby shane hollander

[themenacewhowrites]

I’ve been thinking about chirping dynamics on the Centaurs for the last day-and-a-half, so I guess it’s headcanon time on my page now.

So, I imagine that different players get sicced on people for different reasons during a game.

For example, if you want someone flat-out angry, sic Troy Barrett on them. Fight or no fight, they’ll be mad and sloppy about it.

If you want someone humbled and murderous, Ilya Rozanov is your best man, Mister Chirp-a-licious himself, the professional ragebaiter of the league.

When you want someone so frustrated, confused and generally helpless to retaliate, Wyatt Hayes is your man. I mean, you can try to retaliate to him chirping how bad you shoot, but either he’s going to ninja your skates out from under you or his team will bulldoze you. Calculate your risks wisely.

However, if you want someone to straight up cry, set Shane Hollander on them. He’ll get it done in the most cardboard-soup tone and he’ll look bored doing it.

[findafight]

Jackie Pike started the pike-hollander mpreg inside joke one day after Shane babysat the twins. They were crying and pouting because they didn't want uncle Shane to leave and Jackie said "sometimes it's like they think you birthed them" and Shane goes "I could've but it would've interrupted the hockey season :/ " and then Hayden pats his shoulder and goes "we'll get the timing right next time buddy" Shane shakes his head "not until I retire, we've been over this" Jackie sighs, "and until then you still get favourite parent privileges with the ones I had to carry" "we appreciate your sacrifice"

This also low-key started the polycule joke/rumours but at the centre it is mpreg Shane 🙂‍↕️

[tinylilhollander]

The night before Shane might win his third Stanley cup, Ilya sends him the clip of his Stanley cup win.

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

On the night Shane wins his fourth Stanley cup, he hoists the cup into the air with his captain, they both kiss the same spot on the trophy, and then in front of the world, on his home ice, Shane Hollander kisses his husband, and it feels like a promise fulfilled.

[needyilyarights]

I think Ilya, as a retired party boy, absolutely loves a wedding because it’s like microdosing a club.

Ilya gets so excited when he and Shane get invited to weddings. He loves coordinating their suits and taking cute pictures outside the venue. He’s crying during the ceremony and squeezing Shane’s hand.

At the reception, he’s dancing with toddlers and grandmas. He’s making a toast. He’s slow dancing with his husband. He’s taking shots with the groomsmen and then, again, with the bridesmaids. He’s dragging Shane to the photo booth and is like “ok and now we do a silly one”. When it gets late in the night and the dance floor is full, he is bending over in front of Shane to Yeah! by Usher. Then he’s turning Shane around and pulling their hips together and whispering the lyrics to Don’t Stop The Music by Rihanna in his ear. His tie is around his head. He gets lost and is found smoking a cigar with someone’s uncle.

At the after party, he’s putting his black card down and is covering the entire tab. They’re closing the hotel bar down.

And at the end of the night, he’s sliding up to Shane like “so did you bring a date? How about we take this back to my room?” He’s fucking his husband into the mattress all night and is absolutely calling for a late check out.

[heated-rivalry-two-souls]

Source

Stateside

[katesgottareadthebooks-blog]

I am losing myself in so many thoughts about the Centaurs being unwanted by any other team in the league. Obviously we know about Wyatt, Troy and Wiebe. Luca looks like he is fifteen when he’s twenty. He looks like a very tall twelve year old when he is drafted in 2018. Sure he’s incredibly talented, but there is so much talk about his physique and how he’s not aggressive or tough enough for the NHL. To top it all off he bombs his Combine interviews. No one expects him to be a 1st round pick, but the Centaurs pick him 2nd overall. Every single podcaster and sports journalist calls it one of the worst draft decisions in the last decade. Evan starts dating Caitlin and he can’t ignore his teammates and their attitude towards women anymore. After giving some rookies a talking to about pressuring some girls at a bar his coach tells knock it off if he wants to stay on the team. He doesn't listen. He makes a fuss about a player taking home a woman a bit too drunk for his taste. He’s traded to Ottawa by the end of the year. Nick pushes back against sending one of the young players back on to the ice too early. When a second injury ends the player’s career with the suggestion that it might not have been so bad if he was allowed to heal properly Nick loses on his coach, the team doctor and anyone else he can think of. Ottawa claims him off of waivers. Zane is drafted to Ottawa and the coach sucks. He finally gets brave enough when he is finished with his ELC to take the abuse to the Centaurs management. In a move that’s unexpected some of the veterans back him up and the coach is fired. The Centaurs then cycle through a list of bad coaches that are at least tolerable human beings until Wiebe. His first coach however is hired by another team and makes sure his “side” reaches every team in the league. Staff from three different teams make sure to tell him that he better make Ottawa happy because no other team will take him.

[kalichnikov]

“Terf is a slur used to silence us” dang bitch I wish it worked shut the fuck up

[jumbojimbop]

hate terfs. they do not belong with us in pride month. you fell for the conservative ploy hook line and sinker. being a terf tells me that were you (1) a man or (2) straight you would be a misogynist and/or homophobe. you don't get to only understand oppression when it applies to you.

[penandinkprincess]

unreasonably amused by the idea of itty bitty shane not wanting to get off the ice after practice to the point that david gets ON the ice to get him, so itty bitty does the "my bones are gone now" resistance move kids are so good at.

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

like stage your protest all you want, buddy, but you have literally never been more move-able.

[butimaficwriter]

Read the post and loved it exactly for the potential of what's in the tags: uh oh now David made it funnnn and Shane, quick little bean that he is, riiiight as he's getting to the edge of the rink, about to be picked up and passed to mom, gets up and skates away to the middle of the rink and PLOMP lays down on his back, giggling and kicking his little skates. "Again, Dad (Shane does not call David daddy in front of his friends, he's not a baby!), again!!"

It doesn't help David and Yuna that everyone and their mother thinks this is the funniest, cutest thing ever and laughs, just spurring Shane to do it more and more.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

i find so funny that so many fics write shane as a nagging wife that would be so mad at ilya joking around and fighting on ice but shane would never be mad at Ilya for that. everything ilya does shane finds it so endearing. shane loves the hell of his russian man. the only thing that makes shane mad is jealousy and when ilya refuses to be open with him but other than that? nah shane loves every aspect of ilya’s personality.

[jumbojimbop]

most of the nagging wife fics miss a fundamental part of the dynamic: the nagging/pestering is part of their play. looking at the cigarette thing: shane clearly doesn't care if he can taste it on ilya's breath when they make out. he probably loves it let's be honest. but he's gonna say something. because it's part of their play. because part of the fun is pushing each other around

ilya would stop smoking for shane. he does canonically. but he probably keeps a pack just to hear shane say something about it every once in while. because the back and forth gets their blood boiling and makes ilya want to jump him.

also, most people miss that the dynamic reverses itself too! take the locker room scene after ilya jacks it in front of shane. shane says that they can forget it ever happened (yes because he is afraid, but also this is where part of that dynamic is established) and ilya asks him what his room number is. and shane folds. clearly, he does not want to just forget about it. and when they see each other later that night, shane pulls ilya in to the door and says they should talk. and ilya clearly (and correctly) reads this as chane does not want to talk.

they do not always mean what they say, and i think a lot of people take what the characters are saying too literally when a lot of the banter is just an excuse for them to tease each other and poke and prod SPECIFICALLY to make each other horny.

[hollanovshome]

some shotgunning haasollanov for you <3

my art tag

don’t forget to reblog <3

[jumbojimbop]

shotgunning as foreplay is so underutilized. i know in my soul ilya would be a stoner if his job wasn't so physical. shane likes to smoke right after the season ends so that he's good when the next season starts.

this would be stanley cup sex. or night after stanley cup sex.