Imagine a World

Personal mental health blog MaDD, Social Anxiety, ADD Zee, She/her, 20, probably pacing rn, INFP Always open for asks!!

[luxwave-art]

some outfit designs for EJ :P

[skiaismadd]

i cant hang out i have to write out my entire paracosm because it’s getting too complicated even though i am the only one who is partaking in it but i still need it to make sense as if others would be able to read my daydreams

[just-good-dreams]

Tw: death

Okay, so as someone with MaDD, imagine dying and turning into a ghost.

You're dead, yes granted, b u t you get to pace as much as you want without anyone nothing you! Years go by, people ignore you, you take breaks to pet a dog, and then go back to continuing an elaborate plot of your daydream worlds.

Your death was historic, and your house that you pace in has become preserved for tourism.

Lo and behold, you cannot even hear yourself think, let alone pace with a screaming spirit box and hooligans running around your pacing area.

ID BE PISSED OFF TOO?? Like, damn, give me some peace and quiet, and let me quietly pretend to be with my imaginary husband (who's also a ghost to fit the plot) in p e a c e.

No wonder the ghosts out here are so peeved all the time! Humans just won't stop bothering em!

[furiousgoldfish]

There’s a specific experience of growing up around narcissists because they will punish you for growing up. Narcissistic parent will go:

“You used to be so good when you were little.”

“After you turned 8 you started to act despicable.”

“You used to be such a sweet child, why are you like this now?”

“Hanging out with ___ ruined you! You were good before they came!”

“Why can’t you be like you were when you were little?”

“You used to eat from my hand, what happened to you?”

“You used to hug me and tell me you love me, why aren’t you like this anymore?”

“Keep going this way and you’ll end up just like ___ (someone horrible).”

And it gets worse from there, they can punish you for failing to act clueless and gullible, they can punish you for not falling on same tricks you would fall for as a child, they will ostracize you for not being completely pliant and for having opinions and for not liking the same things you liked.

This can affect you so deeply you can feel like only way to be happy again is to return to being a small child. You can even start insisting that you’re not going to grow up and try to stay the same, try to not grow your senses and keep yourself infantalized. It can make growing up seem like a forbidden process that will only bring you further from being loved, further from any kind of happiness. They will go as far as to make you feel like since you’re not longer small and cute, you no longer deserve any attention or love. And it’s your fault, for getting bigger, for growing. It can make you feel absolutely hopeless because you were only ever lovable as a child, and you will never be lovable ever again.

I didn’t understand this for a long time, but the narcissist needs you to stay small because small children are easy to manipulate into being their fantasy. It’s your independent thought that scares them, your ability to judge the world for yourself, meaning you wont take their word for it anymore. They’re in love with a fantasy of them with a small child they can control and use as an extension of themselves, a child they can show off and get compliments for, a child who is cute to lure adoration from others towards themselves. The moment you stop being a part of their fantasy, you’re suddenly worthless to them. The moment you can think for yourself, they no longer want you. The moment you start developing boundaries, they are supposed to acknowledge that you’re a whole new person, not a part of them, not someone who will cluelessly proclaim love and adoration for them after they hurt you. Instead, they shame you for being a person. They want a pet and if you’re not it, the love is taken away. Because there never was any love in the first place. Narcissists who act this way towards children are incapable of love. They were never a person in the first place.

[furiousgoldfish]

if I’m so “useless” then why do you keep using me?

if I’m so “worthless” then why do you order me around?

if I’m so “incapable” why do you care so much about decreasing my confidence?

If I’m such a “burden” then why do you care so much for keeping me dependant on you and making sure I can’t leave and be on my own?

If I’m so “stupid” then why do keep talking to me? Why not find someone else?

if I’m so “ungrateful” then why do you want me around? You shouldn’t want to give your time and energy to ungrateful people now, should you?

If I’m such a “monster” then why do you not try to get away from me? Why would you bother keeping me against your will, aren’t you scared?

If I’m such a “horrible demon” then why are you not running away from me? Why are you talking to me as if you couldn’t be less worried about what happens to you next?

If I’m such a “selfish creature” then why do you give me anything at all? It’s almost like you need to hold something against me, if I’m selfish why should I care if I’m called that?

It’s almost like your manipulative logic doesn’t hold up to tiniest bit of scrutiny. So why are you lying so much? Saying one thing and then doing as if the opposite is true doesn’t show you in good light. It turns out I’ve been plenty useful, plenty valuable, capable, bearing you as a burden even, smart enough to see thru you, grateful enough to tolerate your bullshit even though you never gave me a good reason to, harmless to you to the point where you could take your shit out on me unbothered and unafraid, selfless enough to put away my very own well being for the sake of your needs, so why do you think now, after all, I would forgive you lying to me? Don’t expect forgiveness from me.

[just-good-dreams]

Note to self: Before hyperfixating on something, write down everything that recently happened in your main paracosm for when you return 6 months later.

[teamcapwasrightandishouldsayit]

[fallingmaddlyinlove]

I made it 🖕☹️🖕

[just-good-dreams]

Ending a scene while ugly crying after you've killed a new character for the first time

[just-good-dreams]

So usually when I pace, sometimes I get that weird awareness where you snap out of your daydream for a few moments. y'know?

But now I'm just getting annoyed because I have the physical need or wanting to pace, but I just can't daydream/visualize anything right now. :^))

[missmentelle]

What abusers believe.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[ahalal-uralma]

Additionally: Not all abusers are going to project as “angry people.” Their emotional states can vary widely from friendly to passive aggressive to completely violent.

Some will mask their hostility with a smile or blank expression. It’s all about intentions over their victims. They have a purpose in their mind they have to fulfill and they don’t care who they are stepping on to fulfill it.

Also, another key point of an abuser I did not see touched upon is this:

If you ignore me and I see you giving others attention, I will turn everyone against you:

This is a huge tactic of many abusers, both platonic and romantic, where they try to isolate their victims by manipulating people around them to abandon or hurt them.

They will spin false stories and produce false evidence that “you’re the one in the wrong” and will go to great lengths like forming cliques to gang up on their victim; and all because, “you did not give me the attention I feel I am entitled to receive from you.”

Sometimes, there isn’t even evidence that you’re the bad person they try to project. They will form these groups based purely on the collective of people who possess similar goals and mindsets to abuse you, knowing full well they won’t ask for any proof of the abuse as they have their own false narratives to act on.

And this accumulates to innocent onlookers (ie. acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, etc) as evidence, because they built a reputation on the grounds of “you’re a bad person, because I said so.” No discernment applies because it’s the majority’s opinion. Facts aren’t necessary, just the popularity and growth of claims.

This behavior is used in the hopes that the victim will comply to their demands or suffer for declining them. It can also make the difference between the victim maintaining their individual freedom or sacrificing their personhood to the hopes of obtaining emotional support from their abuser.

“No one loves me or cares about me like my abuser does” is what they hope you will think, but it’s not true. There’s always someone out there who will recognize your worth and you won’t have to struggle to prove it. Real love doesn’t leave you feeling mentally and emotionally compromised.

[piggledy-higgledy]

If you ignore me and I see you giving others attention, I will turn everyone against you:

This is a huge tactic of many abusers , both platonic and romantic, where they try to isolate victims by manipulating people around them to abandon or hurt them.

They will spin false stories and produce false evidence that “you’re the one in the wrong” and will go to great lengths like forming cliques to gang up on the victim; and all because “you did not give me the attention I feel I am entitled to receive from you.”

Sometimes, there isn’t even evidence that you’re the bad person they try to project. They will form these groups based purely on the collective of people who possess similar goals and mindsets to abuse you, knowing full well they won’t ask for any proof of the abuse as they have their own false narratives to act on.

And this accumulates to innocent onlookers (ie. acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, etc) as evidence, because they built a reputation on the grounds of “you’re a bad person, because I said so.” No discernment applies because it’s the majority’s opinion. Facts aren’t necessary, just the popularity and growth of claims.

This, this, 100 times this. OP gets it, and this doesn’t deserve to get lost in the notes.

PS: I love seeing people reblog this and ignoring the fact that it reflects their own behaviour exactly. 🙄 If you know, you know… It’s all there, if you’re willing to look. Self-reflection is a good thing, kids…

[simonalkenmayer]

It’s especially ironic to see people who treated me this way, or who supported those who treated me this way, who decided my intentions without asking me, put conditions on my behavior without my consent, or otherwise worked diligently to literally craft an entire online persona around treating me this way, reblog this. I was permissive and attentive, always. I corrected rudeness and enforced politeness. I refused to interact with people if they were overtly hostile. And because I drew that line in the sand and toed it….I was the bad guy. No. The abusive people are the ones who call kindness and boundaries abusive. The abusive people are the ones who threaten others or threaten to withdraw, or use their own children as weapons. The abusive people are the ones who concoct stories, embrace wild accusations, accept any tiny proof they can find that exonerates them from their abuse. Abusive people are the ones who call names, who swear belligerently, who antagonize, who put words and feelings in your mouth without asking a single question of you. Abusers are the ones who make you responsible for their feelings.

Bad things stop happening when you cut the abusive people out of your life instead of catering to them, instead of thinking you can make a difference to them. Bad things cease when you remove the subtext of cliques, drama farming, pouting, storming off, complaining without ever intending to act in remedy, or my personal favorite—looking for the patterns of their own abusers in every person with whom they interact, treating every relationship the way they treated the one they had with the person who originally taught them how to tantrum.

It’s ironic to me to see those people reblog a post about abuse without acknowledging their own behavior.

[sailorsailing]

We go together like MaDDers and this notification

[just-good-dreams]

Reality shifting is NOT Maladaptive/Immersive Daydreaming.

Reality shifting is NOT Maladaptive/Immersive Daydreaming

Reality shifting is NOT Maladaptive/Immersive Daydreaming

If anyone needs clarification I, someone who's been MaDDing for 10 years, will gladly provide it for you.

[furiousgoldfish]

Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Tactics of narcissistic abuse

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma

[furiousgoldfish]

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

[aballofmaddness]

Tell me you had a good daydreaming plot without telling me you had a good daydreaming plot....

This might not be a lot but it sure is a lot for my lazy self 😃

[just-good-dreams]

Me, daydreaming with my eyes closed:

Someone: Hey, you should take a nap if you're tired, haha!

Me, disturbed from my self-insert daydream with my hot demon boyfriend:

[adhd-alien]

“Why criticism hurts so much" 

I’ve been working on a series aiming to explain why we can get so deeply hurt and afraid of disapproval that it will interfere with our life decisions.

Coming soon: 2/4 “Where does it come from?” ¾ "How can I spot it?” 4/4 “What can I do?”