Just My Personal Tragedy Called Life

Basically just for me to try to get my life together. Whoever is interested, feel free to read

[justaconfusednerd]

The last two weeks I kinda had semester holidays so I mostly took a break from studying.

I tried to go out a lot, take walks in the neighborhood and such. I really love to walk to the river and just sit there for a while. It’s really relaxing to get a bit of fresh air and get out of my room for a bit and I just love sitting there and listen to music, think or read fanfic.

I also took some time to draw again. This time I tried Changbin from Stray Kids. I’m actually not too unhappy with the outcome, eventhough I don’t really think it actually looks like Changbin.

But starting tomorrow I have to get productive again, as I still need to prepare some more lectures before the new semester starts. So I hope I can pull trough getting up early and actually start doing something and not lay in bed until noon.

Song recommendation: Dzikaje Palavańnie by Dzivia

-Sun, March 21st

[justaconfusednerd]

Wow, a lot happened since I last posted!

I wrote and actually passed my organic chemistry exam!!! I’m still a bit in denial because I just can’t believe I passed even though I didn’t listen to the lecture and started way too late once again. But I did it and I’m super glad that I don’t have to prepare for the retake exam at the end of March now.

Also my cousin visited for the last week and it was sooo nice seeing her. We haven’t seen in other in almost a year and it was so nice to just laze around after my exam and get a bit of human contact in this never ending lockdown.

And now that she left I’m actually really motivated to be productive and that’s something really unusual for me. But I actually want to get up at least somewhat early and do some stuff for university without time pressure for once and actually study Korean and practice guitar regularly.

I discovered some new music as well and realized again that I should listen to my weekly mix on Spotify a lot more because there’s a lot of good stuff in there. My favorite discoveries lately: Dark Water by Agent Fresco and Carrier Signal by Soul Extract

- Mon, March 8th

[justaconfusednerd]

Organic chemistry is literally killing me. Why was I so dumb to skip the lecture for half the semester? Now I try to learn everything with a textbook, but I’m just so slow and I can’t really concentrate on it at all. I kinda don’t see me passing the exam first try at all.

It’s insanely cold outside for my region. Like it’s okay throughout the day, but it goes down to about -15°C in the nights and I don’t think I ever experienced it so cold outside. But as I mostly sit inside the whole day I don’t notice it too much anyways.

Song recommendation of the day: Aether Realm - Guardian

Also I had to give love and relationship advice just now, and I’m like the worst person to ask about that. I mean I have no experience at all except for rejecting people?? But I think just being moral support often already is enough. I hope it helped.

-Sat, February 14th

[justaconfusednerd]

I wrote my first online exam yesterday and guess what... I actually passed, yay!

I didn’t really expect it, even though I holed up in my room for a week I somehow still felt like I knew nothing. But as it was multiple choice only I could at least make a guess.

My comfort listen of the week: God Is An Astronaut - Forever Lost

As biology is now survived for the time being, of to organic chemistry. Even though I don’t think I can pass the exam first try but we’ll see.

-Thu, February 11th

[justaconfusednerd]

Yesterday’s late night thoughts:

Am I the only one to get dumb crushes on complete strangers?

Like when you see someone in the library or on a concert or on a discord channel or wherever and you’re suddenly just fascinated with them and want to be noticed? But you know rationally that it’s really dumb and that you don’t know the person at all...

It’s like really dumb and annoying because I start acting weird because I want to be noticed and afterwards I’m sad if I don’t and I start imagining scenarios of what could have ideally happened but in reality there is like no chance of something happening at all and I know that but those crushes still happen way too often for my liking.

-Mon, February 8th

[justaconfusednerd]

Why am I crying the second day in a row?

I don’t know why, but since yesterday evening I’m feeling really off and I hate it. I can’t concentrate, I can’t get anything done and I feel like I’m going to cry every second.

At the moment I just can’t stand people looking at me. Like yesterday evening I joined voice channel with my friends but there were also people I’m not really close with and suddenly I started to panick and just couldn’t bear with the thought of the others looking at me any longer and I just left without saying anything. And nobody probably noticed anyway.

And I hate to think like that, but I feel so so ugly right now.

I just wish I could be a totally different person.

-Sat, February 6th

[justaconfusednerd]

My desk setup tonight... I’ve been studying every night now this week but tonight I really noticed how nothing stayed in my brain. I wrote something down and 10 seconds later I already forget what it was. Maybe that’s also because I’m panicking and I know that i can’t remember things well when I’m panicking but I can’t stop and that only makes me panick more and so on and so on.

But it’s just so much to know by heart and I don’t know how I am supposed to get all of this in my brain on time. I feel like I just passed my last exams because there was always at least some part to understand and think on your own instead of learning everything by heart. But now we just need to know so many technical plant terms that you can’t think of yourself but you just need to know them. Like the pharmaceutical name of the drug, the corresponding plant and which family it is part of. And that’s just one part of the exam, there’s also the human anatomy, cytology and general anatomy of plants...I’m so so scared of the exam!!!

Overall my brain just feels fried now and I hope that it’s better when waking up tomorrow!

-Wed, February 3rd

[justaconfusednerd]

Yesterday I actually took part in a meeting for a new students group that focuses on climate and environmental awareness in pharmacy and it was actually pretty cool. At first I only planed on listening in to what the others think, because talking to strangers like that is hella scary but then we were separated in break out rooms and I actually had a good talk with a girl from another university. I’m proud of myself that I managed to talk to here like that and I plan on joining the next meeting as well!

-Tue, February 2nd

[justaconfusednerd]

I hate my period so so so so much. I really wanted to be productive today, but instead I spent the whole day on the couch because the cramps kicked once again. Like I’m so annoyed because I never got cramps a few years ago, but now the first day is always the worst and without taking painkillers it’s just not bearable. And I also hate to take painkillers everytime because it feels like I’m loosing against my own body. I just wish I would never have to get my period again...

-Sat, January 30th

[justaconfusednerd]

I’m panicking quit a lot right now, my biology exam is very probably actually going to take place at the 10th of February and I have literally not done a single thing for it yet. Like okay, I listended to almost all of the lectures but it’s just an insane amount of material. And I can’t really study concepts and understand a lot as it’s mostly just learning a lot of facts by heart. But as I learned in a seminar yesterday and to be optimistic: stress before an exam is actually good and makes you learn more as long as it doesn’t get too much. So I guess, I got this???

-Thu, January 28th

[justaconfusednerd]

I did some Hyunjin fanart recently, he is just too beautiful not to draw.

I’m definitely a lot better at pencil drawings, but I tried stepping out of my drawing comfort zone by using watercolors in the second picture.

-Tue, January 26th

[justaconfusednerd]

I realized something last night: I’m my own biggest enemy.

To be honest, I think I’m the only one comparing myself to others and wanting to be the best. I don’t think anyone in my environment is expecting me to be the best, they’re probably and hopefully already proud of who I am.

What I realized yesterday is, there’s no need to be the best, all I’m doing with that is trying to proof to myself that I have some worth. But: There is nothing wrong with being normal or average in what you do. Because you’re already unique and not replaceable that easily. You are still worthy of other people even if you are not the best in everything. Being the best in my studies won’t give me happiness and this is something I still need to realize fully.

Remember this: of course there are a lot of things that can be improved about yourself but people already love you the way you are!

-Sat, January 23rd

[justaconfusednerd]

It’s been some pretty unproductive last days and I feel pretty bad about it. My exams are getting closer and closer and my inner panic is getting bigger as well. It’s pretty shitty because we can’t know for sure if we’re actually able to write our exams or if they will get postponed, so it’s even harder to motivate. It’s so so so hard to motivate, there are just so many things I like to do more than studying. At this point I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for me to pass my organic chemistry exam first try anyway because I’m just so far behind and I literally don’t know anything. And how am I supposed to motivate myself for an almost sure failure? Also time seems to go by so fast, like I lie down on my bed for what feels like 5 minutes to read a fanfic and suddenly it’s evening again. Days just pass by so fast and my internal panic is getting insane, but hey I got this.

Also Monday evening I created a bunch of memes about fanfiction with my sister. It was pretty fun and after showing them to my cousin she jokingly said I should start a meme account for them. And somehow it actually sounds like a funny idea? Like it will probably not interest a single person but I think my ideas are kinda good and there have to be people out there wanting to see memes about fanfiction right? So if someone is interested, hit me up and I’m going to do this!

-Wed, January 20th

[justaconfusednerd]

Can I rant about this picture for a second?

How? Just how can someone be this gorgeous? Hwang Hyunjin, who fucking allowed you this?! I don’t know what it is about this picture that’s so different, I mean Hyunjin looks insanely pretty in every picture, but this just seems so unreal to me. He is so so so so so so so pretty and such an overall talented person in general. He is amazing and I hope he knows that. But this picture is just so aaaaahhh, I really really can’t believe this, and I already fangirled with my cousin yesterday and we came to the conclusion that someone like that can’t possibly be real right? He’s just that pretty I guess, that people won’t believe that he’s real. But as I know that Hyunjin doesn’t want to be known for his looks only: Hyunjin, as far as I know, you are an amazing person and a super talented rapper, you’re doing great und Stays are extremely proud of you!

I know that I will definitly come back to look at this picture very very often.

-Fri, January 15th

[justaconfusednerd]

Procrastination... I don’t even know where to start. I have a reaaaaly huge problem with procrastinating. Whether missing half my online lecture because I’m scrolling through Instagram or not being able to concentrate on studying for more than 10 minutes because I’m somehow distracted. It’s just horrible, but I think the problem is, that in school I never really had to study and now in university I just don’t know how to because I never learned it. But I’m trying my best to change!

At the moment I’m trying out some focus timers that block my wifi signal on my phone while I study, which already helps me focusing and ignoring my phone more. Nevertheless I need more time to figure out if this is a good method for me. Something I also changed is taking more fancy notes, like in the picture above. It’s a lot of fun, but it still feels like some sort of procrastination because it takes a lot more time than just writing normal notes and I could be much faster if I would just write normal notes again. But I love looking at my fancy notes, so I will continue, I guess I just have to invest some more time then.

-Thu, January 14th

[justaconfusednerd]

Lists are great. I feel like they are kind of the first step of organizing ones life and it feels amazing to be able to tick something off a to do list. So let’s do this list of things I want to change this year:

More social interaction/ getting myself out there: This is going to be really really hard for me, as I’m super shy and tend to get uncomfortable super fast in a group of people I’m not too close with. As meeting new people in real life is not exactly possible at the moment, I can at least hide myself from awkward interaction from person to person. But I totally plan on talking to strangers on discord or writing with new people, etc even if it seems insanely scary right now. My goal isn’t even necessarily to make friends, but to just get out of my comfort zone of texting/ talking with the same few people and basically not being able to talk to strangers at all.

Open communication: Something that I already improved a whole lot the last few years, but that still needs a lot of work nevertheless. I just think that especially talking openly about emotions is so so important and that a lot of problems could be solved by communicating instead of just guessing the other persons feelings. A few years ago, I really kept everything to myself as far as really not wanting to tell others anything about my life. But I learned that voicing your concerns, talking about things you like or overthink, can be really helpful for your mental health. So people: being able to talk about your emotions to others is something you can be proud of!

Digital detox: Kinda ironic how I want to spend less time online and simultaneously starting a tumblr? But I spend so much time on Instagram mostly that could be used so much better, not even starting on how toxic Instagram actually is. I’m bombarded by so much stuff that doesn’t interest me at all, I know that and I still find myself opening Instagram waaay to often just out of habit. Definitly something I want to stop!

Getting a decent sleeping schedule: My sleeping schedule is actually not too bad to begin with but I still want to get up earlier instead of staying in bed for at least half an hour after I woke up. I’m definitely not one of those people who can get up at 5am or whatever but just not staying in bed until 5 minutes before lectures would be nice.

Spending more time doing things I love but do way to rarely

Study more concentrated and with system: The digital semester is really hard for me and the amount of procrastination not even countable anymore. But as I really don’t want to fail my classes and have to retake the exams I really need to study with more of a plan and not just try to cram everything a week before each exam. With organic chemistry and the huge biology exam coming up, I know this is not going to work again.

More consistency in general: This especially refers to my wish of knowing Korean. I’ve basically wanted to learn Korean since 2016 but I was never consistent enough to get anywhere with it. So this time I’m hoping to keep staying motivated.

Practicing the guitar and bass more planned: I own my electric guitar for two and a half years already and I feel like if I continue practicing like I do now I will never get anywhere. I basically just try to learn songs I like by looking up tabs but I never practice any technique or any theory or anything that is useful for mastering more than just playing off tabs.

Trying to leave the house once a day: With online university, not being able to really do sports and winter combined I really leave the house mostly to do grocery shopping. But it’s actually important to be at least a bit active, to move once in a while and go for a walk. So I really want to try to go out for at least a short once a day to get a bit of fresh air and clean my head from too many worries.

I actually thought of one or two more things, but they feel to unimportant to actually write them down here. But I have them written down on my handwritten note so I hope I’m not going to forget about them instantly.

I already kinda look forward to looking back on this list from time to time to see what I already improved and what I have to work on more. To my future self: I hope you’re doing great and don’t worry too much if you didn’t achieve everything on here.

-Tue, January 12th

[justaconfusednerd]

So 2021... feels weird but it’s very much real.

It seems so insane to me that it’s already 2021, that I’m already in my second year of university and that I will turn 21 already.

But here we are and I feel like I should finally try and make the best out of my life, ´glowing upˋ like all those fancy people call it.

So my big goal for this year: becoming a better person

I lack in a lot of fields and there are so many things that I want to try out and master and all that’s stoping me is myself. I feel like I could do so much and learn a lot, especially in this time when I’m stuck at home all the time anyway but it’s so hard to motivate myself. Thus I want to organize my life a lot better and achieve at least part of what I want instead of just looking at it on social media.

Well what do I want to change in 2021 to become a better version of myself? Let’s make a general list:

Stepping out of my comfort zone : I don’t want to go into much detail, as I want to make a more detailed list soon, but stepping out of my comfort zone is a really big, and really hard point that I have to work on in a lot of different aspects, as I’m someone who is really relying on stuff I’m already comfortable with a lot.

Getting more organized and consistent: I also have to work on that in different aspects of my life and I guess it’s something really important. Will also be discussed further in the list.

I guess those two points can basically sum up what I want to change. As I said they both contain a whole lot of more concrete stuff I want/need to do, that I already have and will think about and write down in the future. I heard that you’re a lot more likely to reach your goals if you write them down beforehand. Hope it helps, as I tend to become unmotivated really soon.

But anyway: Let’s do this!

-Sun, January 10th