honestly what is my life

You know, I wold fight god if given the chance. I would win, you wanna know why? Because I am god 

[justasadpoet]

Him

He smiled at me from afar 

I felt my heart skip a beat 

My cheeks flushed 

His smile- man.

It can make anyone fall in love. 

Don’t let that face fool you. 

He hits hard. 

Not just with his smile

But with his hands 

My body is covered in welts

The inside of thighs are covered in bruises. 

The marks from knees became a constant reminder. 

He is stronger 

He is more powerful. 

My friends say how lucky I am. 

“He’s so sweet” 

“Gentle” 

“Calming” 

If only they knew, 

That behind closed doors he's different. 

he’s .. 

Scary 

A monster, 

By the time I finally got away, 

My legs and arms were scared. 

My head was messed up. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder 

Major Depressive Disorder. 

But I'm lucky right?

The devil slept in my bed 

But I’m lucky right?

My body is covered in hidden scars. 

But I’m lucky right? 

Why does no one believe me? 

Is it because he’s hot? 

Is that really it? 

The devil is hot. 

So I must be lying right? 

-L.C.T 9/27/2022 1:23PM 

[justasadpoet]

Is this it?

My head is pounding, 

My heart is going too fast

I try to focus on your voice 

“Shes gone” 

This can’t be real,

I refuse to believe it 

She can’t be gone

My mom screams 

Holding on to her for deal life

Begging her to come back 

Nanny sands outside the room staring her,

Her daughter, 

Her baby

Dead. 

The doctor stood with us,

Hearing us sob 

Scream 

And beg for him to save her. 

There was nothing he could do

Her corpse laid on the bed

I wish we could trade places. 

She deserved to live 

Why did she have to die? 

No one talked on the ride home. 

Amie played her favorite songs 

We cried 

The music drowning out our sorrows 

It’s been over a year 

Since she took her last breath 

Since we buried my aunt 

My moms sister 

My nanny’s child 

My uncles wife

My heart hurts 

My eyes are still puffy from the tears. 

Yet life goes on

We can’t live in that moment forever 

Eventually we must move on. 

-L.C.T 9/27/22 1:04pm

[justasadpoet]

In this moment I feel something,

Something not totally new

But something old

I feel..

Safe?

He trusts me enough to sleep with his head on my lap,

Everytime I look at him I smile

Even as my back hurts I smile

Because he’s mine

And he loves me

And I love him

I’m not scared of him leaving

Or if him hurting me

I feel safe

And love

-l.c.t

4/9/2022

[justasadpoet]

Broken

My head hurts,

Something fierce

I don’t know how I’m standing

The waves of pain don’t leave,

I wait for them to go

They never do

Day 1,

I couldn’t eat

Day 20,

I’m having blackouts

How do people do this?

Make it stop

I want it to end.

-L.C.T 4/15/2020

[justasadpoet]

Shakey

Today has been weird,

My teacher were nice to me 

like SUPER nice,

no one yelled at me for putting my head down

no one commented on my work.

In fact they didn’t say much to me

For some reason it has me scared,

shakey,

on edge,

Something bad is gonna happen

everything bad always happen.

I’ve never had just good things happen back to back. 

I’m paranoid.

Spicy fear,

So when something bad does happen

I am perpared 

I just hope everyone is okay

no one is hurt 

-L.C.T

[justasadpoet]

Alone

When I was 17 I made someone a promise,

That when I was going to kill myself

I’d call them first.

Tonight I almost made the call,

The pain has been too much.

I’m never not in pain.

Yet the doctors aren’t doing anything.

“Wait for the tests to be scheduled”

What am I suppose to do until then?

Is the stabbing pain suppose to magically stop!

Tell me doctor

Do you know what’s it like?

To have knife in it gut

To have someone with a razor blade in your stomach

To vomit up crackers

Do you?

Oh you don’t

So can you

Sit there and tell me that I’m fine!?!

Clearly

Fucking clearly

I’m not fine

I’m suffering

I’m dying.

Im dying.

And your watching me die

Knowing you could easily save me

If you got off your ass and did your job.

L.c.t 1/12/2022 6:35AM

[justasadpoet]

That was goodbye

July 7th,

The day our hearts broke

The day I lost her

The day my mother became the youngest.

The day my mother held my aunts hand as she took her last breath..

Mom blames herself

Nanny blames herself

Dave blames himself

I blame myself

We all knew she was sick

We all knew her wishes

“Leave me with Kira”

She got her wish,

Her one request.

Somes when I close my eyes,

I can see her

Her lifeless body

Laying in a hospital bed

As the doctor tears up

He knows what he has to do

But he can se the look on our faces.

“She’s gone”

It’s silent,

No one says anything but just stare

This can’t be real

This isn’t real..

Finally someone does something,

My nanny starts sobbing

Everyone loses it,

No one says anything

I left

I just walked out of the hospital

Into the parking garage and screamed

Screamed until my throat is raw,

And my voice cracks

Then we leave,

I miss her

I miss her so much

I just want my auntie back

-L.C.T 10/9/2021

[justasadpoet]

school

Im so stressed,

I have been pulling out my hair

mom and dad say their worried,

but I could give less of a shit

I want it to stop

the pain

I want to be numb,

Im 16 assignments behind

im not worried

its not like I'll live much longer

[justasadpoet]

Tonight

I feel as if I am fighting a never ending battle, 

My aunt has a stroke

She lives, 

My aunt goes into a coma,

She survives,

My aunt breaks her leg,

She’ll heal. 

I wish I didn’t know what was coming, 

I know one day

She will get sick

And she wont get better.

Im scared for that day

Tonight I am scared. 

Scared to close my eyes, 

What if I wake up..

And shes gone

[justasadpoet]

Panic

hyperventilating 

tears flowing

hands shaking 

im gonna die 

you know what

fucking bet

[justasadpoet]

good enough

september 9th

I started school

My work is always on time 

its never been late 

teachers say

my notes are perfect 

my work is great.. 

Then why,

why did the principle call me a cheater

tell me that I’m in trouble 

then when she was proved wrong 

she didn’t say sorry

didn’t even try to fix it 

I’m not good enough

for her

I shouldn’t be mad 

but man

I’m fucking pissed 

[justasadpoet]

Have you ever felt worthless?

My friends told me not to get attached,

I should have listened

It used to be waffles,

Now it’s him.

I can’t sleep without him.

How could I be so dumb?

I’m just going to get hurt again

Aren’t I?

I wish I could turn off my emotions.

It’s too much.

-L.C.T

[justasadpoet]

Happy birthday

Happy birthday to me,

Another year of sadness

I don’t see the point in continuing,

I promised myself this birthday would be good,

Guess not.

I’ve already relapsed

Can people stop promising me things?

Please.

It hurts to be let down again

I don’t think I can take it.

A blade has touched my skin,

On what’s suppose to be a happy day.

I’m done trying to make this day good.

Happy 17th birthday

Stop getting attached.

-L.C.T 5/2/2020

[justasadpoet]

Soon

I want to die,

I want it to stop.

The never ending pain.

The way they look at me.

I know

I know they don’t care.

They know I have problems

They ignore it.

I could have corona

My parents don’t listen.

I’ve been exposed

I don’t leave the house

I haven’t

For 3 weeks now.

I need to be tested

I’m scared

To scared

I’m wishing to die

I don’t care if I live

I just want the pain to stop.

-L.c.T 4/27/2020

[justasadpoet]

I have a blade against my thigh,

It’s tempting me to swipe

It’s been 4 months

Since I last cut

Its been 8 months

Since Cam and I talked

I think about him daily.

It’s been 2 years

Since Olli and i last spoke.

I’ve spent the last 4 birthdays crying,

Since I was 10,

I tried to kill myself

On every birthday.

I don’t think this one will be different.

5 days

5 days until I try to die again.

I’m not scared

I don’t think I’ll go through with it,

Maybe I will.

We never know

-L.C.T 4/27/2020

[justasadpoet]

May

Since I was 10,

I’ve tried to end my life

Always on my birthday

I’ve always failed,

My parents made it clear,

I’m not that important

“Your sister does better”

“Amie writes better”

“Amie has anxiety not you”

“Stop copying your sister”

I keep asking myself,

If I told them what I thought,

Would like even listen?

Doubt it.

“You don’t have depression”

“Stop lying”

“you’re lying to your therapist”

“ADHD isn’t even that serious”

I wish they would listen,

They tell me they care

To talk to them.

I can see it in their eyes,

It’s all a fucking act.

They’ll be happier when I’m gone,

They’ll only have Amie.

Everything will be fine..

-L.C.T 4/22/2020

[justasadpoet]

Thoughts

I’ve been thinking about telling,

Maybe they’ll believe me?

They probably won’t.

I can’t look in the mirror.

Or shower.

The thought of it is driving me insane.

If I end it,

I’ll leave it in my note

Or maybe

I’ll take the secret to the grave

I want to tell

Yet I don’t.

I’ve been quiet for so long

No one will believe me.

He’s right.

No one will believe a child.

-L.C.T 4/13/2020