letters to her

inside the mind of a broken heart 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[justbreathecas]

The deepest kind of sadness is the kind no one else can truly understand.

I lost my baby… my best friend… my savior… my boy… my heart.

But to the world, it’s reduced to:

“Her dog died. It’s just a dog, she’ll be fine.”

What they don’t know is that at one point in my life, that “dog” was all I had.

I didn’t even have myself then…

but I had that "dog". And in those moments,

that "dog" was all I needed to survive.

So yeah— "It's just a dog", right?

[thoughtkick]

“Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you’re not as terrible as you think you are.”

— Unknown

[thoughtkick]

“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

— Unknown

[justbreathecas]

Im so fucking sorry Cas...

[justbreathecas]

Hey Dad,

Do you remember that old, thin white blanket you really liked?

The one with a huge tear in the middle?

Honestly, you can’t even call it a blanket anymore.

That blanket you left behind...

I’m letting it go.

Not because I’m getting rid of your memories,

But because it has done its job—

Comforting me on the days when I missed you more than usual.

It has done its job.

And I’m okay now.

I miss you... I still miss you, Daddy... but I’m okay now.

I can let go of your blanket.

I’ve got my baby brother now.

He’s no longer a baby, Dad.

I’ve got him—and now I know he’s got me too.

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

[thedankmemes]

[justbreathecas]

I'm tired.

I'm tired of watching those who I love suffer so deeply.

I'm tired of the slow, painful waiting—the kind that stretches time and makes every breath feel like a question mark.

I don’t want them to die. I want them to be free.

And maybe… I want to be free too.

Free from pain. Free from confusion. Free from the slow unraveling.

Not from them, but from the helplessness. From the ache of watching and not being able to do anything but wait.

Is it wrong?

[justbreathecas]

Why does a long, supposedly innocent shower make people cry?

How does it break your defences down along with you?

How does it make you vulnerable?

How does it tear down the walls that you have built, when no one else can?

How does a shower shed all your armor and make you feel like you are a little kid again?

How does it tear down your fake mask and expose the real you?

How does a shower see the lies of your "Im fine" bullshit, when no one does?

And why does it make you feel good after?

[justbreathecas]

Love.

You have become the best version of yourself for love.

You have learned and have done things you never think you can do for love.

You learned to become selfless for love.

You learned how to be contented for love.

You have grown to love yourself a little more for love.

You kept living for love.

You started to believe and hope that maybe you are enough for love.

But...

what if...

Love thinks you can still be better?

what if...

Love thinks you have to keep learning and do more? much much more?

what if...

Love thinks you only think of yourself?

what if...

Love thinks you should want more?

...that love wants more?

what if...

Love thinks you love yourself a little too much?

what if...

Love thinks that how you live is not how love should live?

what if...

Love thinks that it's just you who thinks you could be enough for love, for anyone?

What would you do?

Listen.

You take a deep breath, and breathe some more and then you keep breathing, you wipe your tears and then you suck it all up.

Cause you know love is right.

Love is always right.

So, you try harder, you work harder, you love harder.

And hopefully one day you'll be enough, to both you and love.

Cause if you don't...

What else would you do?

Where would you go?

How would you live?

and who would you live for if not love?

[justbreathecas]

Im happy...

Im fully and genuinely happy.

I'm lucky enough to get to love and be loved by the most wonderful human I've ever met.

I'm in the kind of happy where I'm filled with sunshine and unicorn and rainbows.

The perfect picture of bliss.

But for some fucked up reason I sometimes remember that somewhere inside me there will always be a very dark fucking hole. No sunshine, no unicorns, no rainbows and definitely no bliss.

Just a dark black hole.

And when Im reminded that its there, oh boy I feel it. I fucking feel it.

It's like the sunshine and the unicorns and the rainbows becomes the background and the dark black hole becomes the center piece.

It's there, I know it'll always be there but...

I never dare fill it up.

I never dare color it.

This would sound so damn psycho but, this dark black hole somehow gives me this weird feeling of comfort. It's like the hole makes me somehow... whole.

[justbreathecas]

Ironically the greatest hands that you could ever hold are not actually "hands", they're called paws. 🥰🥰

[thedankmemes]

[justbreathecas]

I know I'm not the only one who writes when they're hurt. And honestly, somehow it feels validating. It makes you feel normal.

[justbreathecas]

I was just watching this awesome movie,it's called The Happiest Season. It was about relationships, coming out and family. One of the characters said this about coming out,

"Everybody's story is different, there's your version, my version and everything in between."

He also said that those stories have one thing in common, it's the moment right before you say the words, right before you show your truth. Your heart is racing, you feel like you're about to pass out and you don't know what's coming next. It was terrifying, at least I think it is. I can't really say, I guess I didn't have that moment. I was outed even before I accepted myself. I didn't really have the chance to say "the words". I didn't really come out. They already have their assumptions I guess, a theory, they didn't wait for me to confirm. I mean they are not wrong and they are not really keeping it to themselves and I guess it was easier that way, because I don't have to. They already did it for me. It's all good, but it makes me think. Did I really come out? What's my version? What's my story? I guess I'm on the "in between"? Maybe?

Now, I know it might've been a little too late to come out because well, I am already living with the most amazing woman I have ever met, the love of my life, my wifey. We have our own place, with our dogs, our cat, our own things. Own problems, own decisions to make, we have our own world. But it's never too late to come out right?

So I'm making this my moment, and I'm telling you it's still soooo fucking terrifying. My heart is racing, my palm is sweating and I don't know why Im fucking terrified. I mean the world knows that I am in love and in a happy relationship with a woman.

But this is my moment...

this is my story...

this is my version...

So, here goes nothing...

Mom, Dad I know you are up there, I know you know and everyone that knows me.

I'AM GAY. 🙂

Shit that feels good. 😌

[justbreathecas]

I know someday, somehow, at some point... you'll find your way home. Because its you, it has always been you. You're my beginning, my middle and I know you'll be my end. My happy ending. Our happily ever after.

[stay-close]

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”

— Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight (via thoughtkick)

[justbreathecas]

I am so fucked up in the head.

And my life is a fucking shit show.

I literally live on my cousin's couch, with my dog and her dogs.

I technically don't have anyone in my life right now.

I don't have anyone that I could really call a friend.

I thought I have a good relationship with my parents, or at least my dad, but I found out that that might not be true. I will always be a failure in mom's eyes compare to her friends fucking kids while my dad refuse to see how really fucked up his dear daughter is because he needs me to be a perfect daughter that provides for them who has no fucking life of her own.

They don't love me, they NEED me.

I have my cousins, yeah.

But they like me because I'm the "fun" one. After the party's done and the jokes are over... I am still left alone.

Then she came into my life and she somehow saved me, she made me the happiest I could ever be. I was happy. We were happy. I have life. She gave me life, one that I own, one that I wasn't force to live. She gave me a life that I've loved, but then I lost her.

Because well... nobody likes me.

Altho, I somehow managed to get her back... well some of her.

But at least, there are moments that she is still mine, all mine.

There are moments that Im happy, moments that I am alive.

Then there's my dog, our dog the one she gave me... if not for that handsome little shit and the hope that maybe just maybe, someday... she will choose me and only me, I might've already slit my throat or my wrist, or stab myself to death or OD'ed on some substance or drank a rat's poison, any kind of poison really or shoot myself or jumped off of a bridge somewhere...

all Im saying...is that Im fucked and my life is a shit show.

But I keep breathing...

because maybe just maybe...

someday, somehow, at some point in my shitty life...

those little moments that I have with her will become our life. our everyday.

and that she will choose me. only me. without ifs or buts...

she will choose me. she will choose me again. and somehow life would be great again.

[justbreathecas]

I need somebody I can talk to.

I need someone who will listen.

Someone...

Somebody...

Anybody...