what ultimately grinds my gears is feeling like iām putting in so much effort and others arenāt. like why not call me, check up on me? whyās it feel like my efforts worth nothing? i think of my friendship, how much i try to check up on them and hang out with them and hold space and make sure theyāre comfortable, all to feel like iāve been left behind for their relationships. and i think of this guy and how he wonāt check up and how i canāt bear the emotional brunt of myself all the time. i know i need therapy too but damn, i want someone near me to truly share everything with, this year has shown me that.
i know my friends donāt mean to abandon me, but i guess thatās just what happens when youāre in a relationship. youāre very focused on the other person and things like friendships just become less of a priority. maybe iāll get it someday. but it doesnāt make me feel any better. i canāt handle being alone all the time anymore if im gonna be honest with myself. itās just a lot. i donāt feel that thrill of independent freedom anymore. i mean yes- i love being independent! but i need someone to share life with. someone to help me out at the end of the day and help me feel like iām not carrying it all by myself.
i just got stuck in charlotte overnight which fucking sucked cause i wasted a whole day traveling and am still going to be late to my friends birthday celebration. they put me up in a hotel and all i could do was cry and wish i had someone there with me to vent to and be stressed with and ultimately decide to make a little adventure out of it. iāve never underestimated how lucky i am sometimes to even have the opportunity to be alone, especially growing up the way i did with my parents. iāll never undervalue that. i also value connections outside of relationships, i mean i have to considering iāve never been in a relationship, but still itās like none of that feels relevant when im so alone and so in need of support.
iām beyond sick and tired of people telling me to wait or to not try too hard to be in a relationship. iāve waited fucking long enough, iāve waited longer than most people will ever have to! and if i were trying too hard i would already be in a relationship. there were years where i didnāt date at all, and guess what? i wasnāt getting any suitors at my door either. why is it ok for everyone else to date and look for love and want to be in a relationship but when i do it im āforcing itā?? why donāt i get to be like everyone else? why havenāt i gotten that love and affection from anyone? am i too nice, too much of. a pushover? should i be meaner so people have to vie for my love?
i just want to be myself and find someone who likes me the exact way i am, and for me to like them back the same. for us to really have a chance to fall deeply in love. for them to check up on me to see if im doing well! i donāt think thatās a big ask everyone else has done it!!
ugh now iām crying and sad on the way to this cabin. hopefully i can salvage the rest of this long (cut short) weekend.
pixelskylines
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romaincrisis
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