A Summary of the Magnus Archives, written by someone who has never listened to it
So there’s an archive, and they keep scary stuff in it. The archive is one really long hallway like the one in the penitentiary episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, and I think every door has a monster behind it? It looks like this. The main character is just roaming around with a tape recorder.
For the first few episodes you aren’t aware there are characters. Then later you meet the archivists. They have names like Peter Lukas, who is a rip-off of Peter Nureyev but also is kind of like Cutter from Wolf 359, Elias Pritchard I think is how you spell it, Basirah, who is a bad-ass I think, Martin, who is very soft and sweet and looks kind of like Aziraphale, and Jonny Sims. The guy who writes the show is also named Jonny Sims, like Night Vale.
The whole show is kind of a weird mash-up of Night Vale, Wolf 359, The Bright Sessions, and Death by Dying. It takes the oh-no-weird-paranormal elements of WNTV and DBD and the oh-no-Capitalism-is-going-to-kill-us-all elements of TBS and W359. Everyone has a British accent. (I’ve listened to one audio clip and the guy had a British accent so I assume they all do.)
The man that built the archives was named Magnus. I think. Magnus must have been a really f-ed up guy. Then he died. He got eaten by the big crab thing, because apparently there is a big crab thing. Now the archives are run by the Johnny Sims guy, and he has major depression. He’s in denial over the fact that he is gay for Martin. Martin knows he is gay for Johnny but won’t tell anyone. There are lesbians but Elias somebody is lesbophobic. The fandom fights over this a lot.
Basically, the show tells you about the ways that people have died by the monsters, especially the crab-monster, and some other monster that I think is called the Silencer? I imagine it as looking like the Nightmare from Metroid Fusion. I mean look at this goddamn thing.
That’s what the archive is hiding. It’s clearly hiding something. I think Elias and Peter are the bad guys? One of them dies, or maybe both. The Silencer eats Peter I think. Elias gets eaten by the crab. All I know is someone gets eaten by the fucking enormous crab.
I think the show is very diverse, but I see a lot of people yelling at each other about it, so maybe it has issues? Maybe it’s like Voltron. Is this show like Voltron? I used to really like Voltron. Then Season 5 happened and I stopped liking it. I’m not sure how many seasons this show has. Six, I think.
I think the archives are set somewhere where there is snow, because I see snow in fanart a lot, and big sweaters. Maybe like Northern Ireland. That explains the British Accents.
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