Jesse and Wilder's Guide to Life @jwguide - Tumblr Blog

For sure the dumbest blog on the internet.

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The Definitive NBA Nickname Ranking

The thing about basketball is that is it’s the best sport.

Jesse doesn’t agree, but I think we all know that the poor boy is cute as a button, but dumb as a stick.

There are a multitude of reasons why basketball is the best sport (e.g. Charles Barkley, Slam Dunks, The Time Allen Iverson Stepped Over Tyronn Lue Like He Was Literal Trash), but a big one will always be how much of the players’ personalities we get to see: tattoos, facial expressions, and yes, the best nicknames. I don’t know who comes up with them but I can only assume it’s the same hero that is responsible for Squeakquel and Chipwrecked.

So yeah, I ranked ‘em for you.

RULES: • I’m not going to rank every damn nickname that has ever lived because that is lunacy. I picked ONE HUNDRED AND ONE, so quit whining. • These are current players & retired players, but no coaches or entire-team nicknames. • I dug a lot of this information up on Wikipedia, the web’s most reliable source. As a result I found a lot of alternate nicknames I have never heard before. • So, I am ranking THEIR MOST COMMON NICKNAMES. They won’t get bumped up just because they have some fun alternative ones. It’s gotta be the main thing they’re known for. • Well, sort of. A ton of players have names that are just their first initial and then the first syllable of their last name, so in those cases I will pit their alternate nicknames against each other.

Enough chatter. Let’s do the damn thing.

101: Marco Belinelli Nickname: “Beli” Other Nicknames: N/A Thoughts: I don’t need to explain why this nickname is trash, do I? ‘Beli’ is far from scary. It already sucks that Marco Belinelli is one of the NBA’s biggest uggos, it’s a damn shame that he’s saddled with the literal first two syllables of his last name instead of an actual nickname.

100: Derek Fisher Nickname: “D-Fish” Other Nicknames: N/A Thoughts: Not even a single other nickname? A five-time champion? One of my favorite players ever? He deserves a nickname, like ‘Mr. 110%’ or ‘The Barnes-Slayer’. WAIT, better yet, just ‘Jamie Lannister, The Kingslayer’. GET IT? CAUSE MATT BARNES WAS ON THE KINGS FOR ONE SEASON??!?!? DO YOU GET IT OR NOT??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

99: Tracy McGrady Nickname: “T-Mac” Other Nicknames: N/A Thoughts: This is only 0.0000000000001% better than ‘D-Fish’, but like, whatever. It’s still awful. Poor Tracy.

98: Derrick Rose Nickname: “D-Rose” Other Nicknames: "The Windy City Assassin", "Poohdini", “The Glassman”, “Glass Rose” Thoughts: Love ‘The Windy City Assassin’. That right there is a great nickname. Too bad his most common one is D-Rose and that sucks all the wieners.

97: Dwyane Wade Nickname: “D-Wade” Other Nicknames: "Flash, "Father Prime" Thoughts: As per the rules, ‘D-Wade’ is not what I’m talking about. ‘Father Prime’ is pretty alright I guess.

96: Kevin Durant Nickname: “KD" Other Nicknames: "Durantula", "Kid Clutch", "The Baddest", "The Servant", "Mr. Tickle", "The Rim Reaper", "Slim Reaper" Thoughts: GET OUT OF HERE WITH ‘MR. TICKLE’. ‘Durantula’ and ‘Slim Reaper’ are great but people usually just say ‘KD’ and that one sucks. I gotta take a break, I’m still giggling like a schoolboy at ‘Mr. Tickle’.

95: Chris Paul Nickname: “CP3” Other Nicknames: “Cliff Paul”, “Chris Smooth” Thoughts: It goes without saying ‘CP3′ is terrible, but does ‘Cliff’ even count? It’s not really so much of a nickname as it is somebody he plays on television. Honestly though, sometimes I forget Cliff Paul is fake.

Introduction: The Food-Pairing Tournament

Welcome one, welcome all, to by far our most ambitious and probably dumbest project yet: The Food Pairing Tournament.

We have here 32 of the most elite food & beverage pairings on the planet. We’ve chosen to have them duke it out, tournament style, and see who emerges victorious.

BUT, to make it more fun, the two of us will also be duking it out, as we have randomly chosen sides and recruited teammates.

Jesse is fighting for the Food Network Conference. Wilder is fighting for the Travel Channel Conference.

Every Monday, we’ll check back in with the tournament to figure out just how well our foods are doing, finally culminating with our champion.

FAQ-

What are the ground rules? Everything in this bracket needs to be something that people commonly consume ON ITS OWN as well as by itself. In addition, these foods need to be thought of in their most perfect form. The absolute top of their game.

Is that why Ketchup & Fries aren’t here? Yes. Same with Chips & Salsa.

But I love those foods. Don’t care.

Yeah but people eat ketchup by itself. Well those people deserve to be burned alive.

Yeah but what if- SHUT UP ALREADY, THEM’S THE RULES.

How do the teams factor in? Teams are to talk as much shit to the opposing team as possible. Also everybody on the winning team will receive a one million dollar cash prize.

How did you figure out the seeding? We wrote ‘em all out and drew the names randomly in two sets of 16. Then we had a third party seed them for each conference (making sure to keep repeat foods in different divisions). It’s all very fancy and sciency. You wouldn’t understand.

Your bracket looks poorly drawn. You look poorly drawn.

Alright. Them’s the berries. See you in a week for the first round results.

#jesse mcgrath #wilder shaw #food pairing #bracket #tournament #guide to life #food

A Brief History of Names My Students Have Given Me

Not sure what you could call this guy, other than beautiful

I am a public school teacher. You probably already knew that because of the title of the thing you are reading, or because you follow me on social media, or maybe because you have been in the same room as me for longer than four minutes, which is about the amount of time that it takes me to casually bring up my heroics as an educator of America’s youth. As a teacher(which is what I am), I have to put up with a bunch of bullshit. Everyone knows it’s a thankless job with horrible pay and long hours. What I didn’t anticipate, however, is the ridiculous amount of horrible nicknames students would come up with for me. What follows is a small selection of those names from over the last four years, with pictures for reference. Because there are so many, they have been broken into four categories: Chubby Bearded White Guys, Fictional Characters, Inanimate Objects, and Wildcard.

Chubby Bearded White Guys

Zach Galifianakis Also: Alan, The guy from the Hangover

This is the first, and most obvious thing a student has ever called me. I have worked at three different schools in two different states and it has never taken longer than three weeks for a group of students to make this connection. The first time it ever happened was before I was even an actual teacher. In fact, I had only been working in a classroom for three days at that point. I was walking through the halls during passing period of the school in South San Francisco where I was doing my student teaching. While I was walking to the break room, I glanced into a classroom and locked eyes with a student that I had never seen before in my life. He immediately shouts “HEY!”, gets out of his seat, and starts charging towards me. My first thought was: Hm. Maybe teaching was a bad choice. My second thought was: guess I have to fight this kid now. He comes straight towards me at full speed, stops no more than six inches from me and barks: “MAN, YOU KNOW YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ALAN FROM THE HANGOVER?!” This is a 100% true story and this shit has been happening to me ever since. Children don’t really get enough credit for being straight up the goddamn worst.

Action Bronson Also: The Guy from that Chance Video, The Guy from F*ck That’s Delicious

This has only happened like twice, but I remember it because it’s such a solid ref for an idiot teenager to make. I disagree with it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t respect it.

Fictional Characters

Daddy Pig Also: Peppa’s Dad, Peppa Pig, PE-PA-PIG!

OKAY FINE, IT’S A GOOD ONE. I had never even heard of this cartoon, but as soon as he said it, the whole class cheered in agreement. What’s worse: This kid only refers to me as Peppa now. Sometimes he will just shout PE-PA-PIG! In the middle of me giving a lesson, for no reason at all. He has half of the senior class calling me Peppa. If you were wondering, this absolutely qualifies as bullying.

Leprechaun/Lumberjack Also: Lumberchaun

Lazy. Offensive. Inaccurate.

Captain Redbeard Also: Captain

A whole group of kids used to address me as Captain Redbeard, and whenever they saw me they would stand at attention and salute. Even if it was sarcastic and made basically no sense, it was the most incredible three months of my life. I’ve never felt more powerful. Then those kids went to college and it has been all downhill from there.

Santa Also: Santa Claus, Saint Nick

Every year when December rolls around some bozo kid thinks he’s a genius by drawing the connection between me and literally the most famous chubby bearded white guy. I wish I could fail kids for having hacky, unoriginal jokes.

Inanimate Objects

Pancito Also: White bread, White bread with a tomato on top

I recently started teaching at a school that is mostly comprised of Spanish speakers learning English as a new language. This has significantly altered the things that I am called by students, and I have become quite familiar with different ways a Spanish speaker might refer to a white person. The literal translation is “bread roll.” I personally don’t see the resemblance.

McGriddle Also: McGrizz, McGrizzath

This has less to do with the sandwich and more to do with the alleged similarity of our names. Either way, unacceptable.

Hamburger Also: N/A

Student: *Points to the word hamburger* ¿Qué significa? Me: Hamburguesa. Student: *Points to me* You! Hamburger! Me: No I- Student: You hamburger! Hamburger!

Wildcard

My sincerest apologies to the Buscemi family. Mr. Ugly is not real and this is the closest thing.

Mr. Ugly Also: Ugly, Uglyuglyugly

This girl basically speaks no English at all. Ugly might be the first English word she learned (she definitely knows what it means) and she pronounces it oogly. Sometimes in the halls she will just point at me and yell “OOGLYOOGLYOOGLY”. Do you understand that it is a regular part of my job for teenagers to just point at me and insult me? And I’m not allowed to do anything about it. The kids are almost worse than the fact that teachers get paid in seeds and berries.

Mr. Cagón Also: Cagón

I’m not completely certain on the translation for this one, as I have heard conflicting reports, but it’s something along the lines of “Mr. Shitty” or “Mr. Big Shit” or “This Big Shit Guy”. Not a huge fan of any of those, tbh.

Which one is the real me

Mr. California Also: N/a

Hey! An objectively sort of neutral thing to call me! It only took literally this entire list to get to something that wasn’t a direct or implied insult! Someone started this when they couldn’t pronounce my last name. I don’t see how “California” is easier to say than “This Big Shit Guy”, but whatever works.

Gringo Also: Mr. Gringo, My Favorite Gringo

I am one of only four white staff members at my school. I am the only staff member at our entire school who isn’t fluent in a language other than English. I have a stupid red beard. I have an ironic tattoo of a regionally specific ice cream sandwich on my arm. When they’re right, they’re right. Soy un Gringo. [Jesse]

#teachers #students #bullying #public school

The Definitive Holiday Song Ranking

‘TIS THE SEASON.

I suppose it’s always some sort of season, but as a culture we’ve decided to unleash our inner San Francisco and refer to winter as The Season. A time for laughter, and cheer, good tidings, a magical fat man who breaks into your house by way of the chimney, and of course, holiday music.

NOW BEFORE YOU GO ALL DONALD TRUMP ON ME and get angry that this is a “Holiday” music ranking, trust me (ya boy’s Jewish by the way) when I say that I am well aware how much better Christmas is than everything else. This is essentially a ranking of Christmas songs, but two of them happen to be non-Christmas so I’M JUST TRYING TO PRESERVE MY JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY, YOU SWINES.

Rules: • Most of these songs are covers of traditional Christmas songs, so don’t get all up in my grill telling me that these aren’t the original versions. The original versions were recorded 70 years ago and sound like dirty water trash. • You’ll notice that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is not here. That’s because that shit is rapey and weird. • There’s no “Let It Snow” here. There’s no “White Christmas” here. There’s no “Silent Night” here. A lot of classics aren’t here, but them’s the berries. • Sorry for being so mean.

10: “Señor Santa” Y La Bamba

This song is very weird. It’s basically a cover of “Mr. Sandman” which isn’t really a Christmas song, but turned into a Christmas song about Santa, but also Spanish-themed. It’s all over the place. Try saying Señor Santa without smiling. Can’t be done. At one point singer Luz Elena Mendoza says “We used a hankie when we blowed our nosies” which is some adorable Rugrats dialogue if I ever heard it. This song cracks.me.up.

9: “The Hanukkah Song” Adam Sandler

There are two Hanukkah songs. The first one is “I Have a Little Dreidel” which is probably the worst song ever recorded, and the second is Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song. He went all Peter Jackson on it too, and kept making sequels – legend says he’s performed up to Part 5. The single best thing about these songs is that instead of saying anything at all about Hanukkah, he basically just lists a bunch of Jewish celebrities. Timeless. A+.

8: “Santa Baby” Eartha Kitt

This is probably the least strange of all the songs about somebody wanting to bang Santa. She never outright says she’s DTF, but it’s heavily implied. Like, who would call him ‘baby’ if they weren’t tryna get some? It’d be weird for a child to say ‘Santa Baby’. I’m veering off track I think. My favorite part of this song is her really specific requests. She asks for a light blue convertible – which like, how you expect that bro to fit that down the chimney, Eartha? – and Christmas tree decorations from Tiffany. She’s asking for really expensive stuff. And a ring? She’s tryna lock that down. You go girl.

7: “What Are You Doing New Years Eve” The Head & The Heart

You’re probably all butthurt that I’m going with this version over the Zooey D version, but ‘tis what ‘tis. Her version was recorded on a webcam and doesn’t really have the ‘mmph’ that this version has. And, in a pinch, I’m going with Charity Rose Thielen’s voice over Zooey Deschanel’s voice every time. Sorry bout it. And let’s talk about the big finish, starting at 2:45. THAT’S THE STUFF, RIGHT THERE. This ending slays all other versions’ endings.

6: “Feliz Navidad” José Feliciano

First of all let’s just pause for a moment to reflect on what a true hero José Feliciano is in this picture. Look at that coat. My goodness. “Feliz Navidad” is a great example of a song that people love to sing despite not knowing most of the words. Everybody is capable of singing ‘Feliz Navidad’, but then as soon as it gets to ‘Prospero Año y Felicidad’, everybody just mumbles that part awkwardly until José skips to English. This song is a hundred years long, even though it’s just the same lyrics over and over, but you don’t care about that. You’re too busy dancing.

5: “Carol of the Bells” Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Dear lord, can you even imagine being at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert? Those lights are a little thing I like to call Too God Damn Much. “Carol of the Bells” is a song that doesn’t make too much sense to me. It’s a Christmas song, but it’s extremely creepy. It’s not far off from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. TBO’s cover is spooky to the max. If you played this song for somebody for the first time, I’d be shocked if they guessed it’s a Christmas song. Either way, it’s a classic, and well worthy of the Top 5.

4: “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” Jackson 5

Child Michael Jackson had a better voice than every grown man in music. I’ll take child MJ’s voice over Freddie Mercury’s any day. I especially like that ‘Rooty-toot-toot and rump-a-tum-tums’ are real lyrics that somebody probably had to write down at some point. The song is excellent, but I think what gives this song Top 5 status is that it implies that Santa Claus is always watching you, like a little Narc. Don’t you dare whine or pout or cry because Big Brother Santa is watching you, god dammit.

3: “Linus & Lucy” Vince Guaraldi Trio

This might be the only jazz composition written to instantly put you in a good mood. If Christmas music is meant to inspire nostalgia, then give this song every effing award. It’s perfect. Iconic. Unstoppable. I’ll also take this opportunity to say that if you don’t like Peanuts you can go ahead and get the hell out of here. Creep.

2: “The Christmas Song” Nat King Cole

This shit right here is truly timeless. Nat King Cole’s voice is actual perfection, and even Paul McCartney’s cover can’t top this. Ignoring the mildly racist allusion to people dressed up like Eskimos, this song is perfect. Natty Ice even acknowledges that it’s been said many times, many ways – but the dear boy doesn’t care about that, because all he wants in this world is just to wish you a Merry Christmas. Jeez Louise. Helluva song.

1: “All I Want for Christmas is You” Mariah Carey

If you think for even one second that a better Christmas song has ever been or ever will be recorded, you need to check yourself into the nearest mental institution.

I’m not sure what she does the rest of the year, but in the month of December, I only recognize one god: #MARIAH. I don’t care about anything she does from January to November, but December belongs to her. If December was renamed “Mariah Month”, that would be 100% fine with me.

I looked up the stats on YouTube of how many plays the video has gotten, and saw this:

LOOK AT THAT END-OF-THE-YEAR SPIKE. You can bet your sweet bippy that 4/5 people near you right now have listened to that song today. It might also be the only Christmas Song attached to a beloved music video. That video is legendary. Just M-dog, frolicking around in the snow and opening presents in her santa robe. How bout that part where she’s with the reindeer and the reindeer clearly wants nothing to do with her? Classic reindeer. And let’s not pretend like when we hear this song we’re don’t immediately think of the scene in Love Actually where Jojen Reed plays drums.

And how bout that version with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots? Majesty.

Mariah, never stop never stopping.

Happy Holidays, y’all.

[Wilder]

Karsta Lowe: You Should Go on a Date With Me

Hello, Karsta. Allow me to introduce you to you: you are an American Olympic volleyball player, currently playing in the Rio 2016 games. Since you are an Olympian, by definition you are one of the greatest volleyball players in the entire world. You stand 6 foot 4 inches tall and you play a position called “Opposite”, which I guess is a thing.

Now allow me to introduce you to me: I am Wilder Shaw. Sometimes people pay me to write about tacos.

As you wander around Olympic Village this season, you’re probably wondering to yourself, “Karsta, where the REAL dudes at?” (You wonder to yourself in the third person) No doubt you’re sick to death of all the Olympian pole vaulters, soccer players, and weightlifters running around the Village, hawking their wares. What do those guys even have to offer? I bet those nerds could barely even write a single essay about Desmond Hume’s character arcs on LOST.

I, Wilder Shaw, propose that we go on a date.

How dope is corn? Right Karsta? Right?

My qualifications: • I can name over 5 types of penguins • In 3rd Grade I correctly guessed the amount of M&Ms in a glass Christmas tree • I can still sing some of the Animaniacs songs • One time I ate a 1 pound donut • I can slice cucumbers really thin • I am better than you at karaoke (I’ve never seen you do karaoke, but my dear sweet Karsta, you’re simply no match for me when I bust some Alanis Morissette)

We could play some volleyball on our date, if you wanted. I would even let you win because I am that kind of guy, and also I have never played volleyball before and you are an Olympic volleyball player who is 4 inches taller than me.

Reasons I would be a good date: • I mostly never fall down onto the ground when I am focusing very hard on walking without falling down onto the ground • I get most of my clothes at Target, so you know I will be looking fly as hell • I will try so so so so so hard not spill salsa on my shirt (we’re having tacos on our date) • I would not make fun of you for being worse at karaoke than me (we’re doing karaoke on our date)

Things you may be concerned about /// My rebuttal to those concerns: • You have no idea who I am /// I’m Wilder, and I like tacos and karaoke • I am 4 years older than you /// AGE IS JUST A NUMBER OKAY • You might feel embarrassed to talk about penguins with me because now you know that I know so many different kinds /// I promise to teach you more types of penguins • You might already have a boyfriend/many different suitors /// I will challenge him to a duel on the peak of the highest mountaintop • You don’t like tacos /// Actually if you don’t like tacos this won’t work out So, whatchu think Karsta? Wanna have the best night of your life with a cucumber-lovin’ guy like me? Please let me know by contacting me here. If I don’t hear from you, I will assume that you have been kindapped by the Yakuza and I will begin my rescue mission toot sweet.

[Wilder]

#karsta lowe #wilder shaw #olympics #rio 2016 #volleyball #tacos #cucumbers #karaoke #penguins #corn #jesse mcgrath #jesse and wilder's guide

Nobody is Perfect, Not Even Michael Phelps

The Olympics are so god damn dope. This is true for several reasons, but the best way to sum it up is with the following anecdote: I went to a bar by myself before noon yesterday, a Wednesday, with no specific goal in mind other than to watch some of the games. I didn’t know what was on or what America was doing, I just had nothing else planned and knew I wouldn’t be disappointed. So I ended up watching some quarter-finals archery match (Duel? Bout? Idk.) between two nations that I have zero connection to, and one of them sealed a victory by hitting a bullseye. I pumped my fist and exclaimed “NICE” and high fived the stranger next to me. Then that guy bought me a shot and we talked about rugby for like half an hour. Olympics made archery exciting, and they also made me a new best friend. The other reason the Olympics are so cool is that Olympians are basically the closest thing we have to real life superheroes. The entire USA Women’s Gymnastic team, for example, is just a murderer's row of flips and spins and perfect landings and you just watch them in awe and before you can exhale they have already decapitated you with their balance and grace. Katie Ledecky is a better swimmer than Harry Potter when Harry eats the Gillyweed that makes him grow fins and gills and shit. He is a fictional character that has the aid of magic and Ledecky would still 100% slay that nerd. They are absolutely the apex of athletic achievement. Most humans will never do anything as well as Olympians do their Olympic thing. I say all of that so that I can say this: With all due respect to the hard work and talent of these individuals, I would beat the shit out of any of them in Mario Kart.

I’m nothing if not petty, and if I have to hear for three weeks about how great a bunch of people are (even if said people are actually very great, and definitely deserve the praise they are receiving), then my natural response is going to be “Yeah, but why don’t you let Mikey Phelps come over here and catch these hands in some 150cc.”

MICHAEL PHELPS, I, JESSE MCGRATH, FORMALLY CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF MARIO KART. Michael Phelps has proven without a shadow of a doubt that he is the greatest Olympian of all time. A true patriot and a competitor the likes of which the world has never seen. But has he even once proven that he can beat me at Mario Kart? I don’t even really play that much Mario Kart, but I will use tilt controls and let him pick all the stages and I will still bury him. If (when) I win, I get to keep his least favorite Olympic medal. It is mine forever. I will wear it always. If he wins (lol), I will get his face tattooed on my back. That seems more than fair. If I don’t hear from Phelps, I will assume he is intimidated and it will be considered a forfeit. [Jesse]

#michael phelps #rio2016 #mario kart #olympics #challenge #jesse mcgrath #wilder shaw #jesse and wilder's guide

The Definitive MCU Hotness Ranking

Avengers are hot AF. We all know this. Let’s take a careful look at the MCU, and power-rank that hotness, ‘cause this world is woefully lacking in the objective judgement of people’s appearances.

RULES: • This is a Top 10 ranking, not a ranking of the entire MCU, because ain’t nobody got time for that shit. • We are ranking the characters, not the actors. • This is only the MCU, not all of Marvel. Nobody from X-Men because Fox owns them, and nobody from any of the previous Spider-Man movies, because all of those were Sony. • This is only going from Iron Man to Captain America: Civil War - nothing past that. AKA, nothing from upcoming movies like Doctor Strange. • This includes the Marvel television world - but again, not Iron Fist because that shit hasn’t been released yet.

PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE LIST AND YOU’RE PROBABLY UPSET, BUT JUST RELAX ABOUT IT ALREADY: • Rachel McAdams, because Doctor Strange is not out yet. Ugh. • Zoe Saldana was excluded ‘cause the whole green thing really kills it for me. Sorry ‘bout it. • Speaking of green, before you ask which Hulk actor I chose from, the answer is neither of them: ‘Ruff and ‘Nort did not make the list. Sorry ‘bout it. • Don’t curr about Kat Dennings. Sorry ‘bout it. • Rest assured it was difficult for me not to include characters like Christine Everhart, Elektra, and that super scary Extremis lady. But, ya know. Them’s the berries. • Benedict Cumberbatch would be excluded even if Doctor Strange was already out because he looks like a god damn alien space mongrel, and if you think he belongs on this list then you are not welcome here on our blog.

Okay let’s git it.

10: Claire Temple (Daredevil, Jessica Jones)

Claire easily gives the least fucks of anybody in the MCU. Just walkin’ around the city helping out superheroes and being super chill about it all. So busy, yet she still manages to keep it funky fresh. Also: couldn’t be more nonchalant about being homies with two of the dopest people in New York City. Even Luke Cage, who has earthquake-like sex with J-Jones, can’t seem to resist. Yo go, Glen Coco.

9: Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow (Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)

Y’all are probably surprised by a number 9 ranking for ScarJo: but remember, we’re ranking the characters and not the actors. In the end, BW just didn’t have what it takes to stand up to the likes of the rest of these characters. She is pretty useless for the entirety of Iron Man 2, and she definitely gets minus points for falling in love with Bruce Banner, who is a L-7-weenie - her boner for Bruce also completely cancels out how hot her nutso kung fu is. And before you go crying home to your moms, remember that there are way more than ten characters in the MCU, so just cool it and be thankful she made the Top 10.

8: Peter Quill / Star-Lord (Guardians of the Galaxy)

Loooooooook at that guy. The jacket alone might be the secret to his success, but don’t forget the guy can rock. He’s also a huge player - he manages to woo a hardened assassin who hates him the second she meets him. And don’t get me started on his sexy retro style. Pete’s still rockin’ a walkman. What a dude. *Slow clap*

7: Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch (Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)

Foreign accent? Check. Super hot witch pendants? Check. Revealing outfit, no matter the situation? Check. Also she has mind control, so, however hot she wants you to find her will be exactly how hot you find her. And don’t forget that she can fly, so talk about a nice evening out with your girlfriend as she takes you soaring across the planet. Maybe don’t break up with her though, because of that whole on-demand-nightmares thing.

6: Agent Peggy Carter (Captain America, Agent Carter)

This was a tough one. It doesn’t feel right in my heart to put Pegasaurus this low on the list but when it came down to it, I just didn’t have the heart to rank her higher than anybody in the Top 5. The real deciding factor here was ole Father Time - we know that Peggy eventually becomes a weak old lady, and because of that she simply can’t top Hope. But despite her eventually old, frail bones, she kicks a copious amount of ass - and that red dress? FORGET ABOUT IT.

5: Hope Van Dyne / Wasp (Ant-Man)

Her ‘tude is absolutely untouchable, and she can also woop your ass. When she punches Scott square in the jaw and says, “That’s how you punch”, it’s a trip to Bonertown, USA for everybody involved. Her weird, 40s Russian spy hair? Don’t even care. Still so hot. And definitely bonus points for the fact that soon she’ll suit up as the Wasp and start woopin’ even more ass. Hope Van Dyne all damn day.

4: Steve Rogers / Captain America (Captain America, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War)

This was another tough one for me. By all means, you’d think Cap belongs in the Top 3, but this is a hotness ranking, and not a Who’d-Be-The-Best-Husband ranking. He lacks that certain bad-boy ‘mmph’ that the Top 3 had, and that’s ultimately what brought him down to #4. However, we can all agree that that body of his is simply not of this galaxy. When Peggy touches his chest after he steps out? That was apparently the real-life reaction of Hayley Atwell, because she had not yet seen Chris Evans in his full glory. That’s big-time. Also, how ‘bout when Natasha asks him if their kiss was his first since 1945 - he reminds her that he’s “not dead”. YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY HE’S BEEN MACKIN’ ON SOME SWEET CHICKY BABES.

3: Scott Lang / Ant-Man (Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War)

This right here, is the bad-boy that the Star-Spangled Man just can’t top for me. Scott is a criminal, already been married once, and also a super-dope parkour master who can steal just about anything - plus, the man’s been in the slamma like MC Hamma. In fact, he’s the only guy who’s been straight up recruited to be a superhero because of his street cred. And let’s be real. That jawline? That stubble? That bod? He even manages to woo mean ole’ Hope. Scott Lang, y’all. Scott. Lang.

2: Sif (Thor, Thor: The Dark World)

Asgard sure knows how to make ‘em. Sif is hot in every sense of the word. She’s got that whole Elf warrior thing going on, which has never not been hot. Throw her I-Just-Got-Done-Having-Amazing-Sex hair into the mix. I assume there are not many eyebrow salons on Asgard, so check out those au-naturale eyebrows. She’s also such a good fighter that she even gets pissed when Thor shows up to help fight that big battle in The Dark World. She’s probably rejecting dudes right and left. I bet that dickhead Fandral tried to get himself some Sif. I bet she sack tapped him and walked away without a word.

1: Thor (Thor, The Avengers, Thor: The Dark World, Avengers: Age of Ultron)

In the end, it was never really even a question. It was always Thor. Look at that guy. JUST LOOK AT THAT GUY. He wields mew-mew for chrissake. Too bad he’s all about Jane and not Sif because they would have some nutso-out-of-this-world children (Also the fact that he just blows by her kind of makes him hotter STILL). Look at his hair. Fresh from battle. The only person ever to look good in a cape. Extra bonus: he might be the only one of the Avengers that just happens to be naturally sexy because everybody else is from Earth and puts a lot of effort into making themselves look good. Bro doesn’t use hair gel. Thor is the OG “I woke up like this”.

As we can see, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has the hottest characters of every shared universe.

Step at me, X-Men.

[Wilder]

Nerds & Jocks: An inside look at Madden Bowl XXII

Last Thursday night, the Masonic Center in San Francisco was buzzing with the anticipation of Super Bowl 50. Madden Bowl XXII had arrived and, because I am a well-connected San Francisco socialite, I was there. You could tell I belonged because I was dressed half as nice as everyone and was twice as drunk as everyone and, also, I winked at Drew Brees.

Madden Bowl is an event that has happened the week of every Super Bowl since 1995. Basically, a crowd of mostly NFL players and wealthy corporate people socialize with one another while other NFL players play a videogame based on the game that they are actually payed to play in real life. But that’s only sort of what it's about. It’s also about people with too much money getting dressed up to get weird with one another. It’s about corny MC’s, corporate advertising and confusing musical act choices. And, apparently, sometimes it’s about a bunch of Papa John’s pizza just showing up at the end of the night, and high society types forgetting they are supposed to be impressive and remembering only that they are drunk and famished. They went buck wild on that pizza. It was a massacre.

The actual game itself featured Eric Berry defeating Jordan Reed 24-17 for the title. There was a post game interview with the winner, and his answers were as generic and uninspiring as every athlete’s post game interview always are. Berry’s dedication to not give a shit about meaningless filler questions, even on the smallest of stages, was impressive.The most interesting part of the game was that neither of these guys played as the teams that they actually play for in real life. Let me just tell you, if I’m ever in a video game, you can bet that I will only ever play that video game and I will only ever play as myself. Why did you even become a professional athlete if you aren’t going to beat people with yourself? It’s lunacy.

Makes sense that this trophy is bigger than the Stanley Cup

Luckily, Madden was not the star of #Maddenbowl 2016. It was never supposed to be. Shortly after Eric Berry walked off with his comically enormous trophy, the audience was treated to the musical stylings of DEE.JAY.KHALED, and the actual DJ that plays music while DJ Khaled posts to his snapchat story and occasionally yells the name of a random city over the music. At one point he said “where you at Miami?!” which, in San Francisco, was a weird choice; but it didn’t totally matter because no one was paying attention. The crowd of mostly white rich nerds and their way-too-hot arm candy girlfriends just stood around and chatted during his performance like it was a free jazz concert in the park. Their behavior was not [prayer hands emoji]. As a matter of fact, it was total [poop emoji][skull emoji].

And then, as if the gods themselves were testing how indifferent and entitled this crowd could act in the face of world class entertainment, Christopher Brian Bridges appeared on stage. Ludacris, as some know him, was the hero this crowd needed, but certainly not the one they deserved. For a moment, I didn’t think he could do it. There is no way, I thought, that this crowd that gave nothing to DJ Khaled, is going to even know who Ludacris is. And then the opening bells of “Act A Fool” chimed through the speakers and I have never been happier to be wrong. I think I blacked out. When I came to, I was singing the lyrics to “What’s Your Fantasy” to a woman I had never met before. The rest of the crowd’s involvement for Luda was admirable. Many still seemed disinterested, but at least feigned excitement for fear of being shamed by those in the crowd that understood the greatness they were witnessing.

A sweet angel sent from heaven

Luda did what needed to be done, and that should have been it. It would have been a beautiful Madden Bow on top of the gift that was Madden Bowl. But if you know EA, the company that makes Madden and is responsible for Madden Bowl, you know that it’s not their style to leave well enough alone. Consumerist.com does a “Worst Company in America” competition every year, and EA took the title two years in a row in 2012 and 2013. People, especially nerds, love to hate EA. This well documented incompetence has never been on display more than when they decided that Fall Out Boy should follow Ludacris. The crowd clearly agreed with this, as a majority of them decided that this was the time they would stumble out to the fleet of surge-priced Ubers waiting for them. Believe it or not, Eddie Lacy is not a Fall Out Boy fan. And things only got more sad from there. While Luda and Khaled at least tried to work the crowd up, Fall Out Boy went out of their way to be as detached as possible. There was no banter between songs or theatrics to get the crowd involved. The only thing that lead singer Patrick Stump (who, by the way, may be the person who most looks like the name that he has. It’s really incredible.) said to the crowd that night was, after their penultimate song: “This is usually the point where we go off stage and come back for an encore, but we're just going to play our last song now.” And like that, Madden Bowl XXII was over.

Post-game entertainment aside, the thing that was so great about this event was that it somehow managed to bring the worst of two worlds together for one night of awkward debauchery. ESports is a rapidly growing and increasingly competitive industry, one that is going to turn into a lot of money a lot sooner than people thing. But if The International 2015 Dota 2 Championships, a gaming competition which had an overall prize pool of over 18 Million Dollars, is game seven of the finals, Madden Bowl is like All-Star weekend. It’s fun, and some people take it more seriously than others, but, at the end of the day, it exists as equal parts self recognition and brand pageantry that results in a mostly entertaining and sometimes underwhelming experience for fans. Actual eSports can be competitive and compelling in the same way that actual sports can transcend the corporate element of the industry and be purely about the excitement and intensity of the game. Madden Bowl is the spiritual opposite of those things, but that’s by design. It’s not supposed to be game seven. I’m sure there are plenty of people at EA that are passionate about turning Madden into a legitimate eSports force, and maybe some day that will happen, but Madden Bowl exists for an entirely different purpose.

These two communities, eSports and traditional sports, are destined to meet in the very near future. In the last year, video game competitions, specifically video games that do not feature professional athletes playing major traditional sports, have found their way onto ESPN. This may not seem like a lot, but for competitive gamers it’s a huge step towards what they are working for. Gamers have set out to prove that what they are doing is no different than any other athlete in any other sport. That moment is coming. But Thursday night felt less like a marriage of two natural partners, and more like a sloppy kiss shared between second cousins.

[Jesse]

#madden #maddenbowl #ea #eric berry #jordan reed #esports #ludacris #dj khaled #fall out boy #super bowl 50

I’ll Be Christmasing for Christmas this Christmas: Northpole: Open for Christmas

Synopsis:

When Mackenzie Reed (Lori Loughlin) inherits her aunt’s Northern Lights Inn, she decides sell that shit because it’s old and falling apart. Also, the Inn happens to be a “power station” for Santa Claus which, along with other stations around the world, allows him to travel everywhere in one night. Because Mackenzie wants to sell his power station (which, like, hey Santa, maybe don’t put your power station in a thing that people can just sell or demolish), he sends his most irritating elf (Bailee Madison) to stop her and make her learn the true meaning of Christmas, or whatever. Along the way, Mackie-Z meets the hotel’s handyman (real actor Dermot Mulroney) and he essentially pressures her into finally making out with him.

Rapid Reaction:

• Apparently, this movie is the squeakquel to a movie called Northpole. I would say you don’t need to see the first one to enjoy this movie, but that implies that this movie could possibly be enjoyed by a human being.

• Also, not sure why it’s called Northpole: Open for Christmas. Like, the North Pole is never in danger of not being open for Christmas. It’s the Inn that’s in danger of not being open for Christmas. And while we’re on the subject: Northpole? Really? One word? Get the hell out of here with that.

• Hallmark is now 2/2 for me in terms of having absolutely no people of color anywhere in the entire movie.

• The guy that plays Santa gives me the creeps. He’s super weird and soft spoken and looks like Bobby Moynihan. Hallmark is also now 2/2 in terms of terrible portrayals of quite possibly the easiest character of all time to portray. Furthermore, I’m not sure if the filmmakers are familiar with what Santa Claus looks like, but it’s generally not this:

What happened, fellas? Red suits all sold out? Only felt overalls left?

• Inn is a generous term for this place. I’d sooner go with “haunted monster pit”.

• The bellhop at the Inn remembers Mackenzie for some reason, even though she hasn’t been there since she was a tiny baby. He also mentions that the Inn hasn’t had guests in what seems to be a very long time, so, pretty much, how is he even employed?

• There are FAR too many “ice” puns. A lot of ,“I’d be so iced!” and ,“Cool down!”. It reminds me another movie. What was it? Oh yeah, this one:

• Apparently I was spoiled by my first Hallmark movie experience, because Northpole: Open for Business makes ‘Tis the Season for Love look Oscar-worthy.

• Dermot Mulroney is a person who I have seen in other things. In other things, he is not a garbage can of an actor. Why am I bringing this up? ‘Cause in this movie he’s a garbage can of an actor.

• The whole thing with this movie is that Mackenzie just wants to sell this old, terrible Inn and everybody shits all over her for it. Who gives a shit? This place sucks. Just let her sell it. I will admit she burns the nerd-ass bellhop pretty good when he goes, “You know what we have that those other hotels don’t? Charm.” and then she responds, “You know what they also have that we don’t? Guests.” Solid burn, Mac.

• For somebody who’s supposed to be an elf in disguise, Clementine sure does a terrible job of not giving it away. Every time somebody asks her something, she responds with some elf-ass answer. For example, when asked if Clementine likes to make lists, she says, “Oh, like a naughty and nice list?” She also, ya know, HAS POINTY EARS AND DRESSES LIKE A GOD DAMN ELF. [I’d like to make it clear that I’m only making fun of the character here, and not Bailee Madison herself. I’ve actually worked with her before, and she’s an absolute sweetheart.]

• In the beginning of the movie, Santa tells Clementine that Mackenzie has to discover the Christmas spirit by herself, with no help. Later in the movie, Clem gets frustrated and just brings her straight to Northpole.

• There’s a weird subplot that starts about three quarters of the way through where Clementine is basically like a little Naughty-or-Nice narc and she starts walkie-talkie-ing the North Pole every time Dermot Mulroney’s daughter does something nice. I didn’t care for it.

• I guess the bellhop is an elf also? ‘Cause if not, he has a secret handshake with a 14 year-old girl and he needs to be sent to fucking prison.

• Mackenzie’s big emotional decision hinges around being offered a huge job to “run the london office”, so she has to decide between that and staying in her shitty Vermont town. Sound familiar? That’s cause it’s literally the same thing that happened in the last one of these god damn movies I wrote about. By the way - the thing that stops Mackenzie from wanting to sell? Clementine holds up a piece of ribbon. Like, a magic ribbon? Nope. Just a ribbon. She shows her a ribbon and Mackenzie changes her mind.

• An hour and 15 minutes in, Mackenzie and Mulroney’s daughter tap a random wall at the Inn. A magic portal opens up, and Mackenzie and the little girl slide down a magic slide through space and time, and back into the living room of the Inn. And then they start talking about something else LIKE THAT INCREDIBLE SHIT DIDN’T JUST HAPPEN.

• The power goes out before their big Christmas party (spoiler alert), so they all spend like two hours lighting candles. And once that’s done? Clementine walks in and throws some magic dust in the air that turns all the lights back on. C’MON MAN COULDN’T YOU HAVE DONE THAT BEFORE THEY SPENT ALL THAT TIME LIGHTING THE CANDLES WHAT THE HELL-

Final Thoughts:

Good lord. This movie was awful. The dialogue is as close to unbearable as anything gets. It makes Revenge of the Sith sound like it was written by Aaron Sorkin. My real question is: who the hell watches these movies? I don’t get that at all. Especially this movie. Who is this even for? Kids? Probably not, because it centers on two people in their 50s falling in love. Is it for people in their 50s? Probably not, because half of it takes place in a (very poorly) CGI’d Santa’s Workshop. I don’t get it, man. I don’t get it.

Favorite Quotes, Taken Out of Context:

• “What if we cut these in half and attach them to the bottom of people’s shoes?”

• “Thanks. You really know your wrenches.”

• “One hot snow cola, coming up.”

• “Ya know, I always make my best decisions while walking.”

• "Snow em gee!” (I nearly puked.)

• “It’s no English muffin.”

• “Thank you! It’s eggnog shampoo.”

• “Raccoons with hammers. It happens.”

• “Yes, Santa. My ice is totally cracked.”

• “The thing is, I can clean shelves, but that doesn’t make magic.”

Personal Sanity Outlook:

After the movie ended, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. Then I blacked out and I woke up in Jarden, Texas at the bottom of a dried-out river with a cinder block tied to my ankle.

So, not good.

[Wilder]

#northpole #open for christmas #dermot mulroney #lori loughlin #bailee madison #hallmark #christmas #made for tv #movie #wilder shaw #jesse mcgrath #jesse and wilders guide to life

I’ll Be Christmasing for Christmas This Christmas: ‘Tis the Season for Love

Synopsis:

Beth Baker (Sarah Lancaster, from the actually-really-good show Chuck) is an out-of-work actress who lives in New York City on her friend’s couch. Because she’s so pathetic, her rich-ass friend buys her a plane ticket to return home to the small town of “Kern” that she escaped 10 years before. She reconnects with old high school friends and some other mouth-breathers who all remember her and treat her like the town’s Meryl Streep. She has a really pleasant time at home and falls for some doofus (Brandon Penny) and then tries to ruin it all, but she comes around and everybody lives happily ever after.

Rapid Reaction:

• ‘Tis the Season for Love is one of the most shockingly uncreative titles in the history of movies. Like even for a Hallmark movie, this is absolute horse shit. I think the obvious choice would have been to call it Where the Red Kern Grows.

• There is not a single person of color in the whole movie. Literally not one.

• I have probably never been 100% turned off by a character within the first 45 seconds of hearing them speak before, until this motion picture. Achievement unlocked. She spends about 99% of the movie whining about not being a famous actress. The other 1% is spent kissing. All she does is complain and act like her life is garbage when in reality she is surrounded by family and friends that love her and do anything for her. I have no idea why the bro in this movie falls for her.

• She sleeps on the couch of her friends apartment, even though it is one of the nicest apartments I have ever seen in my entire life, because her friend is a successful actress. So, like, how does she not have a spare bedroom?

• Furthermore, for a super wealthy actress, she sure has nothing at all in her fridge:

• I’d like to specifically draw your attention to this line (”Thank you for ruining the surprise), which I find to be the worst line reading I have ever heard:

WHY DOES SHE SAY “RUINING” LIKE THAT. HOW DID THIS TAKE MAKE THE FINAL EDIT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.

• When Beth arrives in town, she rides a limo in. For a broke, out-of-work actress, this seems like an excessive thing to take from the airport to your mom’s house.

• There is an Obi-Wan Kenobi type character in this movie in the form of the Santa-for-hire that works at the local Christmas tree farm. He is perhaps the rapiest portrayal of Santa that I have ever seen in a movie. When he beckons Beth and her mom over for the first time, he says creepy things like “Age is just a number” and “I’m in the wish-granting business”. He also leans to the side of the chair like some sort of drunken Roman emperor. And when Beth walks home later that night after the local pub closes (so, like, 12 hours later?) and passes the Christmas tree farm, he is still sitting in his chair like a creepo. And then when Beth tries to talk to him, HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND GIVES HER A MYSTICAL KEY which she hangs by her bed, leading her into oddly prophetic dream sequences. She comes to visit him about four more times throughout the movie, asking advice like he’s the real Santa. This is a grown woman, asking a drunk rapist for advice.

• When Beth goes to the pub with her friends, they all split a pitcher of beer, and she drinks a glass of wine. What a B-word.

• My favorite character for sure is her Jewish New York agent who only cares about money. He is the biggest stereotype I have seen in a very long time. Like, there might as well be a Mexican guy sitting next to him with a bag of oranges and huge sombrero.

• The big twist towards the end is that the person who got the acting part that Beth wanted “"slips on some ice” and now they need a new understudy (did they die?). So, then she has to choose between going back to New York or staying in Kern. Since she’s fallen for the little dipshit in Kern, she suggests he come visit or live in New York and he’s a huge baby about it. HE’S SUCH A LITTLE SKIDMARK. He’s all “wahh wahh wahh, I’m a baby, I pooped my pants”. Hate that guy.

• Also - if she couldn’t afford to fly home in the first place, how does she afford to fly back to New York for the play? And then she flies BACK TO KERN like, the next day. Hm, guess you found the money to afford two last minute Christmas-time (probably double the price of a regular flight) flights.

• The dude in this movie is classic the-sweetest-guy-on-Earth-who-does-nothing-but-shower-Beth-in-compliments-and-be-a-huge-dingus the whole time. He makes my skin crawl. I want to punch his god damn teeth out. Like, at one point he takes her ice skating, because she said that’s something that her dead dad used to take her to do. WHAT A CREEP.

Final Thoughts:

I guess I didn’t realize what utter trash this movie would be. I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t realize just how bad. The dialogue is only slightly better than The Room. I just don’t know why anybody would like Beth. She has a really great life, and she spends all her time sulking and being pissed about not being famous. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Also, the plot about the mystical key never gets explained. Like, later, Beth tries to return it to Drunk Santa but he says “No, no, no, it’s yours now.” And then she just keeps it and it’s never mentioned again. Are we led to believe this jabronie is the real Santa Claus? He’s like, 100 pounds too light, and also, looks nothing like Santa Claus. The point is, if I ever meet a girl who complains about not being famous more than three times in a day, I’m going to throw her in the Sarlacc Pit.

Favorite Quotes, Taken Out of Context:

• “He walked into the pharmacy. I ducked.”

• “Baker ladies sure are somethin’.”

• “I mean, last night we accomplished the task of making 468 gingerbread cookies.”

• “You’re a charming dude. And a worse wrestler than me.”

• “My thighs wouldn’t have handled it if I stayed.”

• “You think you need a fancy career to have greatness, but greatness comes in all shapes and sizes”

• “Chop chop! And no snacking!”

• “You set Mary’s tree house on fire - but everyone has a dream, right?”

• “I feel like a new person. But at the same time, I feel like myself again.”

• “Occasionally, Principal Hyde takes me out to a nice dinner at the Cobalt Buffet.”

Personal Sanity Outlook:

Not good. This wasn’t a good idea. I need a nap.

[Wilder]

#hallmark #movie #christmas #tis the season for love #sarah lancaster #brandon penny #jesse mcgrath #wilder shaw #guide to life #jesse and wilder's guide to life

I’ll be Christmasing for Christmas this Christmas: Ice Sculpture Christmas

Synopsis:

After starting her job as a dishwasher at a country club restaurant, Callie (Rachel Boston), – an aspiring chef and recreational ice sculptor (I guess that’s a thing) – reconnects with David, a person she met one time for about ten seconds when they were both small children. Somehow, these two remember each other effortlessly from what must have been at least twenty years ago. David, played by an actor who is also named David (Alpay), is a wealthy member of the country club that now employs Callie. How serendipitous! Based on what he remembers about Callie from that one time when they were seven years old, David enters Callie into the club’s annual Christmas ice sculpting competition without her knowing. Callie is now forced to go head-to-head with her new boss, Chef Gloria (Brenda Strong). This is made to be a much bigger deal than it probably would be in real life. Predictably, Callie and David get huge boners for each other as she prepares David to be her partner in the competition. Mixed in there is an evil sous chef looking to sabotage Callie, a dead mother’s last wish, and a whole load of horseshit about social class differences that doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

Rapid Reaction:

This was the “world premiere” of Ice Sculpture Christmas and it was at 2:00 P.M. on a Sunday afternoon. If your movie premieres at 2:00 P.M. on a Sunday afternoon, you might not have a very good movie.

This is the second Hallmark original I have watched and also the second Hallmark original I have watched that starts with a scene of our main character as a child, which basically explains the rest of the movie. If you can explain your entire movie in a thirty second prologue, you might not have a very good movie.

This was not a very good movie.

In the opening scene we also meet David’s dad, who David refers to as “The King of Wall Street.” Before I could say it to myself, Callie says to David “does that make you the prince of Wall Street?” My brain came up with the same joke as a Hallmark movie writer’s brain. I will now cite this moment any time I am asked what my greatest weakness is during a job interview.

The first we see modern day Callie she is creating a fairly underwhelming ice sculpture in her front lawn. She is then late to work. Maybe don’t do something that takes four hours the morning before your first day at work.

For her job as a dishwasher she shows up to work with perfectly curled hair, a face covered in makeup, a short dress with tights, and a beautiful cream-colored peacoat. I imagine when she gets a head chef job she will show up in a ballroom gown made of ivory and platinum.

Despite showing up to work late on her first day, and despite being employed as a dishwasher, Callie is selected by her boss to give an ice sculpting demonstration that day. This has not been my experience when showing up late to work. For me it’s usually more like “Jesse. You are a teacher. Stop being late to work all the time or you are fucking fired, dude.”

David passes by the demonstration Callie is giving and interrupts her to crack a joke about bringing the sculpture inside because they are low on ice. Everyone laughs and is totally fine with this cheesedick making everything all about him.

A big moment in this movie is when Callie and David enter a different ice sculpting competition in order to practice for the big one at the end of the movie. It is here that I made two very important revelations.1) These two schmucks are trash at ice sculpting. Their sculpture (before it breaks, twice) is far and away the worst one at the competition. There is a guy making a three dimensional Christmas cottage with to scale furniture inside and they make a super-lame gingerbread man. And then that gingerbread man breaks in two different places. 2) The guy making the super cool cottage is black. As far as I can gather, this is the first time in almost two full movies that I have seen an obviously non-white character. This is equally really surprising and not at all surprising.

The sneak-attack saddest part of this movie, much sadder than all of the boring shit around Callie’s dead mom, is the fact that David can not close with Callie. They are both available and clearly interested in one another and spending many hours every day together, but it takes him several weeks to finally kiss her. If this tall, handsome, rich dude can’t seal the deal, what the shit is a chubby, broke, nerd like me going to do? I suspect this is the most I will ever relate to a Hallmark Christmas movie character.

When they do finally kiss, and every time after that, David makes an audible “MUAH” sound. Like a fucking monster. I am certain this is the least I will ever relate to a Hallmark Christmas movie character.

About an hour and a half into this movie, I realized that it has very little to do with Christmas. It is Christmas adjacent, certainly, but none of the movie has anything to do with Christmas or even takes place on Christmas. This might bother me less if the word Christmas wasn’t one third of the title.

The villain of this movie, a jealous and evil sous chef, is way over-the-top and overall pretty lame, but at one point she sarcastically mentions to Callie that she is special and then says “Don’t forget, the specials change daily.” The two friends I suckered into watching this movie with me and I all, in unison, yelled “OH SHIT!” when she said that. Even in regards to made-for-TV Christmas movies, game recognize game.

Callie and David’s sculpture in the final competition is, surprise surprise, a big piece of shit. And then, as everything is wrapping up and turning out perfectly for our beloved heroes, they say some garbage about how they don’t care if they win the competition because they have already won in life or whatever and then the movie ends AND THEY DON’T SHOW WHO WINS THE COMPETITION. I sunk two hours into a movie expecting to be able to 1) criticize the stupidity of their clearly inferior ice sculpture winning the competition OR 2) revel in the fact that they lost after spending months preparing and basically not getting any better. Hallmark robbed me of either of those feelings and it is an experience that I will likely never recover from. Even typing this right now is making me physically upset.

Favorite Quotes, Taken Out of Context:

“Dishwasher is the most important job in the whole kitchen.”

“Ever since we met I haven’t been able to look at ice the same way.”

“You didn’t think he’d actually fall for a dishwasher, did you?”

“The prize is 10,000 dollars.” “Is that a lot?”

“Christmas decorations are pretty, and besides, they’re good for the heart.”

“On one condition. Call me Frank.”

“You got some serious chops. No pun intended.” (There was no pun)

Final Thoughts:

I don’t know that I could have ever predicted that, as a 26 year old, I would be publicly complaining about how offensive Hallmark made-for-TV movies are; but here we are. One of the subplots of Ice Sculpture Christmas is that David and Callie can’t be together because they come from different socioeconomic backgrounds. Hallmark presents some very confused (see: wrong) opinions on social class inequities, which I would like to address. David, as previously mentioned, is the undisputed prince of Wall Street. Callie, on the other hand, seems to think she is ultra-poor, at one point even unfavorably comparing herself to Cinderella when insisting that she and David can’t be together. Contrary to what some may think, working at country club (Callie) is different than being what is essentially a slave (Cinderella). Also, no poor people in the history of poor people have ever had ice sculpting as a hobby. Not to be outdone by Callie’s lack of understanding of how the world works, David thinks that, although his family is very wealthy and he attended Princeton, that he hasn’t had any special privileges in life. He points out that nobody got those good grades for him, while smartly avoiding the fact that his family was able to afford tuition at an Ivy League school in addition to all of the other benefits one receives from being a straight white male in a super-rich family. Look, I get that, in the grand scheme of things, the uninformed opinions of movies like this have little to no consequence, but talking about this type of stuff makes me sound smart and important and socially aware, which is all I really care about.

Personal Sanity Outlook:

Yesterday, Fallout 4, a thing I have been looking forward to for over a year, came out. Today, instead of doing a thing that I like, I spent four hours writing 1,500 words about a thing that I hate. No one forced me to do this. I can’t explain any of this.

[Jesse]

#rachel boston #hallmark #Countdown to Christmas #david alpay #Christmas

I’ll be Christmasing for Christmas this Christmas: An Exploration of the Hallmark Movie Canon

Here are two things that I know to be facts about this exact moment: It is the month of November, and It is officially Christmas. These two things are related, but not really. What matters is that these two things are universal truths. I suspect that more people would hold issue with that second fact more than the first, because if you are arguing the validity of the first fact then you are probably a confused time traveler and maybe you should be doing things other than reading this.

The statement that follows, “it is officially Christmas,” is more “controversial.” If you are referring to it not being a specific day of a specific month then, I suppose, you are technically right. But I’m not talking about that, because I am a big boy who doesn’t let arbitrary dates on the calendar dictate what I do in my life. Instead, I leave that to the exceptional programming of America’s favorite greeting card manufacturer/television network: Hallmark. From the first weekend in November all the way until January first, the Hallmark Channel airs made-for-TV Christmas movies, both new and old, 24 hours a day. That’s 1,464 hours of original Christmas content delivered this holiday season. This may seem like a lot of airtime to fill, but when you put out six to seven thousand brand new Christmas themed made-for-TV movies every year like Hallmark does, that shit is cake.

Admittedly, until last week, I had never seen any of these movies. Something about the combination of awful writing and awful acting and awful everything else was a bit of a turn off, but this Christmas, everything changes. For the next two months, I will be watching as many of these movies as one human can stand. I will look at each movie individually, as well as how it fits into the Hallmark made-for-TV Christmas movie genre as a whole. I will also be tracking my own sanity, which is likely to degrade rapidly. Today marks zero hour of I’ll be Christmasing for Christmas this Christmas: An Exploration of the Hallmark Christmas Movie Canon. First up: Best Christmas Party Ever. (2014)

Synopsis:

With the holiday season in full swing, party planner Jennie Stanton, played by Torrey DeVitto (tragically not related to Danny DeVitto, which would have made this movie forty to fifty times better) learns that her boss, Petra, played by either Linda Thorson or an Argonian from Elder Scrolls, will be retiring after Christmas. Jennie, whose love for planning parties is explained in a thirty second opening scene where she is seven years old and talks to santa at a Christmas party about her unemployed dad, is a lock to take over the party planning company until Petra’s grossly charming and handsome nephew, Nick, played by Steve Lund, arrives on the scene and Petra announces that he will take over the business. Jennie is hurt by this until the two SUPRISE SURPRISE FALL IN LOVE. Also, he’s an actor or some shit and there is another dude and two other ladies but they are half-ass characters and basically worthless. If you’re curious about the lack of a “Best Christmas Party Ever” in this synopsis, you aren’t alone.

Rapid Reaction:

This was the first Hallmark original that I watched start to finish, and it was absolutely one hundred percent exactly what I expected. It had awkward dialogue and suspect production value and a corny love story because that is its god damn job.

The male lead is despicable. He’s a perfectly obnoxious man-child who is always the life of the party and can think quick on his feet. He’s like if Don Draper was a 29 year old trust fund kid who only wears thick navy sweaters with deep V-necks. TBH though, I bet he has a huge schlong.

Almost every scene that the aforementioned ding-dong is in starts with him making a bunch of fine ass chicky-babes cackle with glee. Although he doesn’t ever actually do it, he seems like the type of guy that bellows “There he is!” or “This guy!” when someone walks in a room. I can’t believe he’s not the villain.

There are three different scenes where the protagonists go out of their way to eat hot dogs. This is mostly unexplained.

The “best Christmas party ever,” from which this movie gets its name, is not mentioned until roughly an hour in. This seems like probably too long.

There are two different instances of really heavy handed product placement. I hope this a common theme in these movies, as it was by far my favorite part.

When they do finally start planning the title party, the biggest concern is that the Mouse King not be too scary. I haven’t planned many Christmas parties, so I’m just going to assume this is a common concern.

At one point, an old man is disappointed because someone goes back on a deal that they shook hands on. In his day “That meant something.” This is my all time favorite old guy in movies thing. They all put way too much stock into handshakes. I can’t wait until I’m old and shaking on everything no matter how important.

Six minutes before the end of the movie, we finally get to the best party ever.

The “best Christmas party ever” looks a lot more like the “smallest Christmas party ever” or “we used the budget up on all of the party scenes before this Christmas party” or “Christmas party you would not particularly want to attend.”

THE MOUSE KING IS THERE AND HE IS VERY SCARY.

Favorite Quotes, Taken Out of Context:

“My right hand man, or in this case, woman.”

“Ratatouille got a movie because of its fancy name.”

“Parties can change lives.”

“You throw a baseball, you plan a party.”

“Try and shut our party down; but you can never shut down what it stands for.”

“He was a mouse king, and you are a nutcracker.”

Final Thoughts:

The weirdest part of this movie was not the product placement or the ever-present Mouse King (ok, maybe it was the Mouse King), but how seemingly sexist it was. It’s about an uptight business woman who can’t find it in her schedule, or heart, to love. That is, until she is taught how to open up by a man with a heart of gold. This same man, with no experience in the field of event planning whatsoever, is able to come in and do the job of this woman (a job she has been doing for almost her entire life) just as well, if not better than her. They finish the movie as equals in the field of party planning. At that point, he has been doing it for less than a month. His biggest flaw is that he jokes around too much, which, by the way, everyone else loves. Nothing screams holiday cheer like “all your problems can be fixed by meeting the right guy, as long as you can accept that he is perfect.” I expected this movie to make me upset, but not in this way. I feel weird.

Personal Sanity Outlook:

This is seeming like less of a good idea than I originally thought.

[Jesse]

#Hallmark #Countdown to Christmas #Christmas #Torrey DeVitto #Linda Thorson #Steve Lund #Best Christmas Party Ever #THE MOUSE KING

Which Cusack are You(Sack)?

People categorize personalities in a lot of different ways. You might be assigned a letter, like “Type A,” or maybe you get to be identified as “Intro” or “Extro.” If you’re a total badass like me, people call you an “Alpha” out of respect and subservience. Despite my high social standing, to these numerous designations, I say nah. Because, when it comes down to it, there is only one sure-fire way to tell what type of person you and your loved ones are. Today, we ask perhaps the most important question that faces modern society: Which Cusack are you(sack)?

Disclaimer: I realize I'm skipping many landmark Cusack performances here, most notably Say Anything. Just shut up about it. This is the beginning of its Wikipedia summary:

Set in Seattle, Washington, the film features Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack), an average student and aspiring kickboxer, who attempts a relationship with the sweet valedictorian Diane Court (Ione Skye) immediately after their graduation from the same high school. Diane has just won a major fellowship to study in England, and will be going there at the end of the summer.

I will not waste a second more talking about that horseshit.

Rob Gordon: High Fidelity (2000) Summary: Everyone’s favorite elitist grump! He was obsessed with lists before click bait articles. There are at least three different scenes in this movie where Cusack is in the pouring rain, without an umbrella, getting soaked and being very dramatic. This just happens to be the only three times it rains in this entire movie. Also, a majority of the story consists of him breaking the fourth wall and talking directly into the camera, like a really sad and poor Frank Underwood.

Definitive scene: It’s not even close with this one. It’s the scene where ponytailed Tim Robbins comes in to Championship Vinyl and we get to see a bunch of different versions of hypothetical Cusack responses, including one where Robbins’ head is crushed by an air conditioning unit, for sure killing him. He has a beeper and a ponytail and his head gets crushed by an air conditioning unit. It's a delight.

Is this Cusack you(sack): Do you think that admitting that you are a cynical jerk somehow makes it okay for you to be that way? Are you constantly making excuses for how awful you are? Are you much better the first time someone sees you, but come off as trying way too hard with each subsequent viewing? Then this Cusack might be you(sack)!

Ed Dakota: Identity (2003) Summary: A psychological thriller written and designed to entertain even the most advanced thirteen year olds. The movie is about a serial killer methodically taking out a group of people who have been stranded at a motel because of an intense storm. We learn about three quarters of the way through the movie that the motel is actually (GASP) inside the head of a serial killer suffering from multiple personality disorder that was mentioned in the first scene of the movie. These people, including our hero Johnny C. Good, represent the killer’s personalities, and they must work together to find and kill whichever one of the personalities is the serial killer, or else the real-life serial killer will be executed at the stroke of midnight. That’s how the law works. Cusack is a mysterious and toothpick wielding ex-cop who sacrifices his own life in the end to save this other imaginary person. He’s the best imaginary friend you could ask for.

Definitive scene: When Q figures the whole thing out: someone mentions that their birthday is May 10th, and then everyone else confirms that their birthday is also May 10th. The last person the camera pans to is Cusack, and with that trademark “melting wax figure” look, he just says “yeah.” What a guy! He then proceeds to “figure out” something that the audience put together literally after seeing the trailer for the movie.

Is this Cusack you(sack): Do you hate Ray Liotta’s permanent eyeliner? Do you enjoy puzzles and mysteries designed for pre-teens? Is your birthday May 10th? Then this Cusack might be you(sack)!

Mike Enslin: 1408 (2007) Summary: This is the one that I most identify with. You might call it my “Mesack.” He is equal parts alcoholic, washed up novelist turned cheesy horror book writer, and divorced father of a girl who fell victim to a terminal disease. His antagonist is an empty room and his best (only) friend is a sleazy, book-slinging Tony Shalhoub. Over 85% of this movie is John Cusack yelling at the walls of a hotel suite, and he is somehow out-acted by the room. Realizing this, he goes full Cusack and burns that motherfucker to the ground, declaring that he’s going to take the room with him. To where, is anyone’s guess.

Definitive scene: This entire movie is definitive. I want to point to the air duct scene when he is chased by a ghoul, or any scene where he is wearing that fedora that is oddly too small for his head. At one point a tidal wave bursts through the wall and wipes out our hero, serving as a metaphor for the drowning feeling one gets when watching this movie from start to finish. But the most important scene in this movie, perhaps the most important scene in all of cinema, is when he is in the post office towards the end of the movie and it is revealed that he never actually left the room. Plot twist! The camera spins around him as he gropes the sides of his face and his eyes roll back into his head, like a shark going in for the kill. His face-skin somehow becomes even looser than normal, resembling an old purse on the shelf of a dollar store, as he is hurled back into his nightmare. This scene is peak Cusack.

Is this Cusack you(sack): Do you have a hell-bent determination for underperforming in life? Are you a madman that yells at inanimate objects as a way of coping with your own inadequacies? Have you ever written an entire novel based on your experiences being trapped in a haunted hotel room, only to realize that you were STILL trapped in that hotel room? Then this Cusack might be you(sack)!

Special bonus section: The DVD copy of this movie that I purchased at a Blockbuster going-out-of-business sale (I really super enjoy this movie) came with actual post cards that you could send to people. They were supposed to be postcards from the hotel, which would be cool if they looked kind of vintage and realistic, but instead they have screen grabs from the movie with weird quotes or catch phrases printed over them. I have never loved or hated anyone enough to send one of these postcards. You really have to be sure with things like this.

Adam: Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) Summary: Very meta performance by John Cueball here. He is a mope on the wrong side of 40 that peaked in high school and is coming off yet another rough break up. Meanwhile, he is an unlikely mentor to his equally depressing nephew. This is Cusack’s “I’m still here, and sad as ever” performance. He eventually finds love, but it is with the sixteen years-younger and fourty-five thousand years-hotter Lizzy Caplan. What you might call, gross. Oh ALSO this movie has suicide attempts and fat Chevy Chase and a fucking time traveling hot tub. It’s really something else.

Definitive scene: There is this character in the movie played by Crispin Glover. He is a bellhop at the hotel the other characters are staying at, and in current day, he only has one arm. The running gag with Rice Crispin Treats is that we know at some point he loses an arm, so the entire movie is littered with scenes of the past where the audience is treated to a potential amputation scenario, such as slipping while carving ice with a chainsaw, or getting trapped in an elevator door. Every one of those scenes is the most definitive scene. John Cusack is hardly even in those scenes. I realize that and I just don’t care at all.

Is this Cusack you(sack): Would you be okay with the idea of wearing a mask of your teenage self in order to seduce other teenagers into dating you even though you are basically still your sad and creepy forty-year-old self? Are you currently the lamest version of yourself that you have ever been? Then this Cusack might be you(sack)!

And that’s all you need to know. When you are updating your Tinder profiles tonight, attempting to quantify your entire personality into one core idea, skip over all of those personality test results and astrological signs. Instead, tell the world all about your Cusack.

[Jesse]

#John Cusack #high fidelity #Identity #1408 #Hot Tub Time Machine #jesse and wilder's guide to life

Sam Worthington is Whatevs

I don't get the deal with Sam Worthington, you guys. He's very whatevs. He came out of nowhere and starred in three huge movies, one of which is the highest-grossing film of all time, one of which is the most overrated film of all time, and one of which is Avatar, and spoiler alert, all of the things I just described are Avatar.

I really don't get it. Why is he so famous? What brought this dude to A-List celebrity-ship? And what's with his hair in Wrath of the Titans?

Let's go movie by movie and talk about what makes Sam Worthington so whatevs. I'd like to note that I watched a bunch of Sammy Dubs movies just to properly research this article so you should obviously pay me lots of money or something.

Macbeth

So, this is a movie that exists. Betcha didn't know that. I can't even describe how dumb this movie is. I won't.

Sam Worthington's ability to do Shakespeare: whatevs

Rogue

Okay so this is a movie about a gigantic killer crocodile, and Sam Worthington is the third billed actor. It also stars Michael Vartan (AKA the only uninteresting character on Bates Motel) and Radha Mitchell (AKA a poor man's Charlize). Sam Worthington looks like this in this movie:

The best part - besides his face and eyes - is the Oregon hat, since this movie takes place in Melbourne.

Rogue follows some people on a sightseeing tour boat as they're terrorized by a bigass croc. It's honestly not as bad as I expected, but at the same time, so much worse than I expected. I also don't really get why it's called Rogue. That implies that the croc "went rogue" which is dumb because every god damn croc on this Earth has gone rogue. Ain't no such thing as a not-rogue croc. I kind of kept hoping that the lake was full of genetically-modified-to-be-peaceful crocodiles and just this big guy wasn't having it, so he went rogue. That didn't happen. Whatever.

The huge bummer of Rogue is that Sam Worthington's barely in this movie, even though he's third billed. This may seem like a counter-point to this entire chapter of the Guide, but I wish there was more Sam Worthington. But this is pretty much only because I expected him to be one of the main characters based on the billing. He appears for the first time about 15 minutes in and only for a minute or two as a weird and kind of rapey guy. He shows up again about 45 minutes in, and then dies about 5 minutes after that. Killed by the god damn croc.

Sam Worthington's ability to fight crocs: whatevs

Terminator Salvation

If you were to say "Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale", everything you'd just said besides the word "Terminator" would be a lie. It should be called "Terminator Loud Explosions starring Sam Worthington, with a special appearance by Batman".

How Worthington went from Rapey Australian Croc Fighter to Centerpiece of the Rebirth of a Huge Franchise, I have no idea. You could argue that this is the movie Worthington is best in, and I think it's no coincidence that he plays a robot. The weird thing about TS is that it totally doesn't stand on its own in this franchise. If you haven't seen the first two, you'll be lost. I was about to type "first three" but then I started laughing uncontrollably and got fired from my job.

The point is, Worthington is the best part of this movie by default, because Christian Bale just plays another version of Batman. You know who would have been a good choice to play John Connor? The guy who played John Connor.

Sam Worthington's ability to be a robot and stare longingly at people: whatevs

Avatar

You guys, I don't like Avatar. I know. I know. This is blasphemy of the highest order, or whatever. But I just don't. It's such an unoriginal story. I liked this movie much better when it was called The Last Samurai. And Dances With Wolves. And even Pocahontas. These are such insanely stock characters that it's impossible for me to connect with any of them. The script itself is maximum stupid, and the fact that nobody told James Cameron not to name the unobtainable stone "unobtanium" makes me want to kill myself. And speaking of killing myself, this is a real thing.

It's crazy to me that Sammy Dubs is the star of the biggest movie of all time. Avatar should have been nominated for "Best Animated Feature" because let's not pretend like this isn't an animated movie. But whatevs.

Sam Worthington seems to be the only Australian actor on the planet who can't do accents. There are countless Australian actors who absolutely kill it in the accent department, and he sure isn't one of them. I guess "The Na'vi language was easier than the American accent!" is a real thing that Sam Worthington said. That's dumb. That shouldn't be the case. At all.

It can be argued that Sammo is good in this movie, but he's also a blue monster who's emotions were made on a computer. LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.

Why didn't the ship just bomb the huge tree from a really high point where all the dragons and shit couldn't reach it? Ugh, whatever. This movie is dumb.

Sam Worthington's ability to be a 10-foot tall nightmare beast: whatevs

Clash of the Titans

Ah, the face of a hero.

This movie is just so dumb. I saw this shit in theaters because I was legitimately excited for it. Ugh, what a let down. Nothing that happens in Clash of the Titans makes any sense at all.

Perseus is the worst. This is by far Sam Worthington's least likable character. He's such a mean guy. I like the part where he sees Zeus walking through the mountains in a giant cloak, and without knowing who Zeus is, draws his sword, points it at Zeus' throat, and screams at him. What if it was just a regular old man out for a stroll? He could have had a heart attack and died. Perseus is awesome because he mostly just yells at people and gets his friends killed.

I'll keep this section short because last year I released an entire video review of how dumb I think Clash of the Titans is.

Sam Worthington's ability to be a likable Greek hero: whatevs

Man on a Ledge

There's Sammy as the titular Man on the titular Ledge. This is a pretty preposterous movie, and as always, Sam Worthington is very whatevs. In typical Worthington fashion, he struggles with an American accent the entire time. At first I wasn't even sure if he was trying to do one or they were just letting him be an Australian character.

In the first scene of Man on a Ledge, Sam Worthington eats French fries with a fork. Classic whatevs move.

This entire movie is whatevs. Almost everything that happens is pretty dumb. Elizabeth Banks drinks a single cup of coffee for like 100% of the movie. At 14 minutes in, we are treated to a fat New York police chief actually using the phrase, "man on a ledge" which is wonderful. My favorite part is when Anthony Mackie commands some random dude near him in the bathroom to get out, and then when the guy looks at him quizzically, Mackie shouts, 'DID I STUTTER" and shows his gun. The scene ends there and then it's never mentioned again. And then in the last 20 minutes, Worthington becomes Spider-Man and starts jumping from ledge to ledge and scaling buildings. Also, Genesis Rodriguez dresses like this for a heist:

Pretty standard heist outfit, I guess.

Sam Worthington's ability to be a man on a ledge: whatevs

Wrath of the Titans

I'll be honest. I didn't watch this one.

Sam Worthington's ability to get me to even watch the movie: whatevs

Sabotage

This is like the dumbest movie ever. It starts with a video of a woman getting murdered, and then it cuts to eight months later where Sam & The Gang are making fart jokes. All the characters have names like "Neck" and "Pyro" and "Arnold Schwarzenegger".

At six minutes in, Sam Worthington, who's character's name is "Monster", and his super gross Monster facial hair start to make out with a pink-haired lady while they're in the middle of a gunfight. But at least we're lucky enough that this movie gets to investigate Monster's marital issues.

The best part of this movie for sure is Harold Perrineau's hat:

I will say, despite Sammy's inability to do an American accent yet again, I do respect that he put on a bunch of weight for this role. Good on ya. It's a big bummer when his wife "accidentally" slashes him with a knife and kills him oops spoiler alert. But then at least we are treated to hearing her say "I'm so sorry Monster, I'm so sorry". Which is CRAZY to me that she would use his nickname in that sort of situation. That's almost as dumb as if somebody killed somebody who's nickname was "Monster" and then as they were dying said "I'm so sorry Monster, I'm so sorry." Sabotage is the worst.

Sam Worthington's ability to be fat and bald: whatevs

~~~

I think the real issue here may not be Sam Worthington himself, but the fact that he picks dumbass movies to be in. Oh well. In any case, Sam Worthington is whatevs.

[Wilder]

-POST SCRIPT- This is my opinion, you guys. It’s all in fun. I'm sure Sam Worthington is a lovely guy, and I have absolutely nothing against him. I don't mean to say I'm better than him, or anything of that nature. He's a guy who brings a lot of joy and entertainment to people for a living, and that sure is a hell of a lot more than I can say for myself. Keep on doin' what you're doin', Sam Worthington. You're awesome.

Cake vs. Pie

In ancient times, there were two clans. The Cro-Magnons, and okay whatever I'm already over this intro, blah blah blah generic fake history lesson leading into this entry of the Guide.

Point is, as long as there has been man, there has been the battle of cake versus pie. And for some reason, many people think cake is better.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO GOD DAMN WRONG.

"Prove it!" you say. "I don't believe you!" you say. "I'm really stupid and I pooped my pants!" you say.

Strap in and buckle up. Here comes the Pie Defense.

[POINT ONE, or, FRUIT]

One of the key components of what makes pie different than cake is fruit. And I will take a delicious piece of fruit over that fluffy insulation cake-lovers call filling any day.

It's honestly crazy to me that people even act like cake is an okay thing to eat. Cake is insane. I also have no idea how people even figured out they could make cake. It's not like other foods where you're like, "Oh wow, if you put different berries together they taste good!" Cake seems like it could not possibly have been created by accident.

"Oops, I pre-heated my oven and then mixed lots of flour and sugar and other sweet goodies into a bowl and then accidentally put it in a pan in the oven and baked it all at the perfect heat until it became a delicious fluffy treat!" Ya know, that classic move.

Also insane is how we pretend that cake and pie are even on the same level, in terms of unhealthiness. The fillings of each are vastly different. Like, imagine a guy standing on the street eating an apple. Not weird, right? Okay, now imagine a guy standing on the street holding the inside of a cake. And just gnawing on that like some sort of disgusting space-rabbit. Not the same image. Fruit is so much better as a filling. Much more diverse as well. With cake filling, you get white or brown.

Fruit, I say! Fruit!

[POINT TWO, or, CRUST]

Cake doesn't have crust. *drops mic*

[POINT THREE, or, FROSTING]

This is an important part of this argument. People say, "But cake has frosting!" They say this as though it has anything to do with anything.

First of all. Let's not act like frosting is a deal-breaker. No frosting is that good. It's dumb to think that a thin layer of frosting can be a complete game-changer for an otherwise boring dessert. I like frosting as much as the next fella, except for maybe this guy who started a whole thread about it, but it doesn't make the boring mound of fluff beneath it any better. A layer of frosting doesn't catapult cake into first place.

Second-of-ly, Let's not act like you can't just put frosting on pie if you really love frosting that god damn much. If frosting is sooooooo important to you, just stick it on pie and shut your mouth. Frosting is not exclusive to cake. Do whatever the hell you want with frosting. I don't care.

Thirdly, If frosting is the only reason people like cake better than pie, than I think that only proves how dumb cake is. Pie doesn't need some fancy layer of anything on the top of it to make it better. It's already great. The mere fact that people think cake is good because of the frosting should prove that cake actually sucks a lot and needs an external element to make it good. Pie is self-contained and perfect.

[POINT FOUR, or, ICE CREAM CAKE]

There's an Olyphant in the room right now, and it's ice cream cake. I think we can all agree that ice cream cake is godly and delicious and perfect. Almost nobody hates ice cream cake, and I would suspect most cake-lovers love it as much as, if not more than regular cake. But there's a very obvious answer as to why this is, and I think it helps to prove my overall point.

The reason people flip their dicks over ice cream cake is because it's made of ice cream.

The cake is literally the worst part of ice cream cake. It really might as well not be there. I don't think it's a coincidence that the most popular type of cake also contains the least amount of cake.

[POINT FIVE, or, CHOCOLATE]

A common cake-is-better argument I hear is that cake handles chocolate in a much better capacity than pie does.

I disagree.

You can easily add chocolate to pie. In fact, I think we can all agree that chocolate goes with berries very well, and where do we find berries? Pie. A chocolate raspberry pie? Now that's a beautiful thing.

[CONCLUSION]

Internet, pie is better than cake. From the delicious variety of fillings you can have, to the perfectly flaky crust (which can be equally varied), it's a winner.

[HONORABLE MENTION: CAKE]

As I said, I'll give it up for ice cream cake. It's damn good. This, again, is due to its ice cream-ish nature, and not its cake-ish nature. I'll also give it up for Porto's' chocolate raspberry cake. That shit is incredible.

[HONORABLE MENTION: PIE]

I could talk for 80 hours about delicious pies I've had. But I'll limit it to Strawberry Rhubarb, Apple, and Key Lime. And Peach. And Blackberry. And also Cobblers and Crumbles. Okay I'm stopping.

Peanut Butter Pie.

---

Pie is better than cake, y'all. Rebuttals get at us.

(Illustration by Ezra Edmond)

[Wilder]

#cake #pie #vs #cake vs pie #cake v pie #vake versus pie #wilder shaw #jesse mcgrath #guide to life #jesse and wilder's guide to life

Babies: Get Over It

Not to brag, but I recently got engaged. By far the worst part of being engaged is the endless stream of questions you have to field from people that are almost certainly not invited to your wedding. Amongst said questions, there is one that gets asked without fail:

“When are you going to start having kids?”

My response is always something along the lines of:

“It speaks volumes of your poor judgment that you think that I, Jesse McGrath, am fit to raise another human being.”

But, after verbally abusing my friend and/or loved one, I give them my actual response.

“Probs never, seeing as I despise children,” “But you’re a teacher! You must love kids!”

Wrong. I got into teaching because I have such an enormous ego that I have tricked myself into thinking I can turn some of these dumb-dumbs into functioning human beings.

But I couldn’t possibly hate ALL children right? What about sweet little precious babies? I must have a spot in my cold, dead heart for them! They are like puppies, but human!

Disgusting

I loathe babies. Even the sweetest and most preciousist. In fact, I would consider them the worst of the god damn bunch. People lose their shit over babies, and quite frankly, I don’t get it. Before you close this window in disgust, I invite you to hear me out as I illuminate a few of the key reasons why babies are the most overrated thing of all time.

They Don’t Do Any Cool Tricks

Babies, above all else, are BORING. People come into a room with a baby and for some reason the mentality is: better drop everything I was going to do and go talk to this illiterate monster that has spent more of its life inside of a womb than outside of one. This is sure to be very different than every other interaction anyone has had with a baby, ever, in the history of time.

I am not unfamiliar with this reaction, as it is the exact same one that I have when I walk into a situation where there is a dog. There are, as I see it, two fundamental differences between a baby and a dog when it comes to this scenario. The first, is that babies do not do anything of merit. Their only trick is making noise, which, spoiler alert, is the last thing you ever want them to do. It either means they are hungry, sick, tired, or covered in their own excrement. Dogs, on the other hand, can learn any number of tricks. They can shake, roll over, play dead, ride a skateboard, and if they make noise it usually means they are protecting you, or possibly even alerting you that a small (stupid) child has been trapped in a well.

VILE BEAST

Dog behavior deserves a hero’s treatment. Babies, however, can’t talk, they can’t walk, they get trapped in wells, and they are generally a menace to be around. What are we teaching the youth of America by rewarding such nonsense behavior with special treatment? It needs to stop.

The second big difference between babies and dogs in this situation is that, unlike the ill-mannered baby, the dog is not an ungrateful little turd.

They Don’t Care About You, At All.

Let me give you a hypothetical scenario, just for funsies. Person A walks into a room and joyously greets person B with a smile and open arms. Person B is unresponsive. Here is the rest of the interaction.

A: Hey buddy! B: *silent* A: How are you! B: *gives person a dirty look* A: You are just the cutest! B: *yawns, poops pants, begins to sob* Two conclusions can be drawn from this interaction. First of all, person A is probably not someone who thrives in social situations, and can clearly not take a hint. Second, person B is a total dick. This is not how humans are supposed to interact.

Allow me to reveal our mystery hypotheticals. Person A is any average Joe like me or you. Person B, and this may come as a surprise to you, is your typical infant human. I don’t want to be a total bummer, but for all of the attention and love you give to babies, they could not care less about you. As a matter of fact, they would probably not even notice your absence if not for the fact that they depend on you to do every single thing ever for them.

They Don’t Even Know How To Live

Almost all newborn animals need some assistance when they first enter this world, this much I will concede. But human babies are a special type of dumb. Whereas most non-human babies take a few months, maybe a year, to become at least sort of self sufficient. Research shows that human baby necks can’t even hold up their big dumb planet sized heads for the first 6 months of their life. FOR HALF OF A YEAR BABIES ARE BASICALLY MARIONETTE PUPPETS WITH SOFTER SKULLS. Oh you didn’t hear? Baby skulls, you know, the thing that protects that chewed up piece of Bazooka Gum that they call a brain, are about as strong as a moist paper towel. Aside from the fact that they are physically unable to sustain their own misproportioned bodies, they seem to lack any true will to live. A baby kitten, even with its sensitive eyes shut in the first days of birth, will poke around to find the teet from which it receives nourishment. Human infants will do a similar thing, but instead of the part where they search around for their source of food and safety in attempt to stay alive, they will just cry forever and ever until they cease living.

Oh, and make sure not to hold them the wrong way or lay them on the wrong side when you put them in their baby cage, because that could also be fatal.

I should pause to point out that this is not some elaborate “dead baby” joke that I am setting up. I do not wish any ill will on any babies, man or beast, I am simply pointing out that, as far as “survival of the fittest” goes, human babies are decidedly un-fit. Why an adult would want to bear the impossible burden of keeping one of these things alive is beyond me, but those that do and succeed should be given a medal or a statue or at least have a ballad written in their honor because that shit is very impressive.

Final Thoughts

I get (sort of) why people have babies. I suppose one can’t REALLY know until they have one of their own, but the desire to want to create life is, I’m sure, a powerful one. The part that I don’t get, is the obsession people have with other people’s babies. Anne Geddes has established an incredibly successful career based on the sole idea that people like to look at other people’s babies.

Most will argue that the reason for this is that babies are “cute,” but I think people are confusing the words “cute” and “terrifying.” Just because it’s small doesn’t make it cute. Brown Recluse spiders are pretty small, and they are decidedly un-cute. Not to mention the fact that, much like Brown Recluse spiders, all babies look alike. There is a reason they get mixed up at the hospital. You guys, are we sure that babies aren’t just deformed Brown Recluse spiders? Babies, unless they sprang from your own loins, are a strange obsession in our culture. From dressing them up in costumes they don't understand, to the unbearably awful “baby talk” we insist on addressing them with, we, as a society of intelligent life forms, need to take a step back and realize that babies are, in fact, pretty whatevs.

[Jesse]

#Babies #Dogs #Writing #Comedy #Overrated #Spiders #jesse mcgrath #wilder shaw #guide to life #jesse and wilder's guide to life

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