Choose to Change Pairing - Xaden Riorson x Marked!Reader Summary - After two years of being separated, you're finally reunited with your best friends in the Rider's Quadrant. After losing everything, it almost feels like being home again having Xaden at your side. That feeling only increases when Xaden's dragon spends the night with her mate, revealing feelings you'd both held onto for so long. Then a letter arrives from Poromiel, and now you have to decide. Which are you going to let Xaden choose? You, or your home? Word Count - THIS IS 18.5K. IT'S SO LONG I'M SO SORRY Playlist Warnings - Language, Canon typical violence, death (not of a main character), SMUT 18+ ONLY.
Your boots had barely hit solid ground after that godsdamn balance beam of death when your heart lurched with a single thought: find them. It had been at least two years since you had seen their faces, and you had been counting down the days for at least a year now. As much as you hated the situation that brought all of you here, getting to lay your eyes on Xaden and Garrick would be worth it.
You told your name to the roll keeper, fighting the urge to punch the guy in the face when he gave you a look of total disgust, but quickly moved on. You scanned the crowd, heart pounding against your ribs like a war drum. Too many unfamiliar faces. You wouldn’t even entertain the idea that either of them wouldn’t make it.
Then - there. To your left, half-shadowed by the building. He was still tall, unmistakable, and your breath caught.
A smile so wide it felt like it was splitting your cheeks formed on your face. “Xaden!” You yelled, not caring if anyone heard you.
As soon as he heard your voice, he turned around, and you watched his expression ease into relief, before a smile just for you lit his whole face. His smiles were so rare, you kept a special box for every single one, and locked this one up tight with the others.
You crashed into him like gravity had been waiting years for this moment. His arms locked around you, solid and unshakable, and you clung back like a drowning person breaching the surface.
The scent of mint and something uniquely him filled your lungs, and your knees nearly gave out from the relief of it. Of him. Emotion clogged your throat, and you closed your eyes. You’d missed him. You’d missed him so, so much, and it had killed you, not being able to be around him after everything that had happened. When they burned your mother alive, you’d had nothing left but the ghost of Xaden’s voice in your ears, and then he was gone too, like the world was determined to peel everything from you piece by piece.
Now here he was, right where you needed him to be.
You placed your chin on his chest, looking up . . . and up until you met those beautiful dark eyes. “Have you gotten taller?”
His smile widened, a teasing tilt of his lips that had some hidden anxiety in your chest unfurling. “I think you’ve just gotten shorter.” His thumb rubbed circles at the base of your skull, and his eyes roved over your face like he was committing it to memory.
Your body melted at the relaxing touch, and you couldn’t even be annoyed at his words. You tucked your head back against his chest, nuzzling into it once more. “Fuck you,” you muttered, but the words lacked any bite, your voice cracking a little as you burrowed into him. How could you be annoyed by the quip when it felt like the pieces of your broken soul might be starting to fit back together again?
A small chuckle left him, and you felt the slightest touch of his lips against the top of your head, sending warmth from his touch all the way to your toes.
“Well, don’t mind me. I’ll just continue to stand here until someone remembers I exist.” A voice interrupted the tender moment.
Turns out you couldn’t bring yourself to be mad about it either though. You’d missed that asshole too. “Might be standing there for a while then, Tavis.” You teased, turning your head against Xaden’s chest to grin at him. Your hands still lingered on Xaden, and you had to remind yourself that he wasn’t going to disappear if you weren’t touching him.
“Ouch. Good to know you’re still insistent on keeping me humble.” Garrick’s grin was full of teasing as he held his arms open. “Now get over here and hug your second favorite person.”
You didn’t want to let go. Every part of you screamed to stay, but you’d missed Garrick’s bear hugs. You peeled yourself away and ran the few feet to Garrick, letting him pull you into a hug so tight he lifted you off your feet. “I missed you, jerk.” You murmured, those emotions clogging your throat again.
His tone turned serious, and he squeezed you so hard you could barely breathe. “I missed you too, half-pint.” Garrick said.
You groaned at the nickname, and it made him laugh as he sat you down on the ground. “And that is why you’re only my second favorite person until Imogen gets here. Then you’re getting bumped down to third.”
He shook his head at you, but smiled as he looked between you and Xaden. “Guess the real question is if you’re going to bump Xaden down too.” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows at the two of you.
You stuck your tongue out at him in a very mature way. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I would.” Xaden said from behind you, his fingers brushing the small of your back again.
You grinned over your shoulder at him, and couldn’t help but lean back into his touch. After going so long without it, you were going to soak up every second you had of his hands on your body. “Guess you’ll have to wait and see.”
It was at that point they called all the new cadets to formation so they could sort all of you into wings. As you started heading to your designated locations, shivers exploded over your body when Xaden leaned down and whispered in your ear. “I already know the answer.” He whispered, warm breath ghosting your ear. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”
You elbowed him in the side, pretending not to melt. Then you tucked that smile he was giving you away, top shelf, front and center, with all the others you’d never let yourself forget.
——————————
You didn’t bother knocking anymore. You hadn’t knocked on Xaden’s door since the second day he moved into it. You barged in like you belonged there, like the air inside was easier to breathe than your own. You passed the desk where he sat in a chair, quill in his hand as he worked through what you assumed was homework, and flopped yourself across his sheets. Your limbs were splayed, and you sank into the familiar softness. His scent clung to the sheets, mint and leather, and it wrapped around you like a second skin. You let out a sigh.
Nothing.
You tried again, letting out an even louder sigh this time.
He still ignored you.
You tilted your head to watch him, cheek smushed into the comforter, and let out the loudest, most exaggerated sigh you could manage.
His quill didn’t stop moving, but you caught it - the tiniest twitch at the corner of his mouth. “By all means, sleep.” He said without looking up. “You’ve clearly exhausted yourself doing nothing.”
You threw his pillow at him. “I have done something, asshole.”
“Oh? What?” He asked, catching the pillow with one hand, and turning his attention to you.
“That second year.” You replied, letting out another groan. “It was not worth it.”
“You always did have questionable taste.” Xaden said, turning his gaze back to his work.
But his hand tightened around his quill, just for a second.
Weird.
“Hey, it’s hard to find someone worthy when you had the very best for your first kiss.” You teased, smirking over at him.
There it was again, the tiniest twitch in the corner of his mouth. “We were ten.”
“And . . .”
He didn’t try to hide the smile anymore, turning in his chair to face you. “You bit my lip. Then ran away before I could even say anything.”
You gasped, mock-offended. “I blushed and tripped over that dog that was hanging around your house for a while. There’s a difference.”
“He didn’t like you for a week after that.”
“He had no taste either apparently.”
Xaden shook his head at you again, “You’re impossible.”
You pouted at him. “So what you’re saying is, it wasn’t the best kiss of your life?”
“I repeat, you’re impossible.”
“I’d be less impossible if you’d come over here.” You said, patting the spot beside your head. “Especially after being stuck with that idiot for the last few hours.”
You didn’t have to ask him twice. He stood, crossed the room, and sat beside you without a word.
You lifted your head to rest in his lap, like you’d done a hundred times, and his hand slid into your hair, fingertips gentle and sure.
Your eyes fluttered closed. Gods, this is what comfort really felt like. Not that awkward fumbling. Not that second year's clumsy hands. This.
When you opened your eyes again, he was frowning down at you as he ran his fingers through your hair. “What did he do?”
You sighed, not faking this time. “He just wanted to fuck a marked one to say he did it.”
The fire, anger, sparked in Xaden’s eyes, and you knew you had to quell it or that second year would show up mysteriously murdered later.
“I took care of it, Xay. You don’t have to worry.” You told him, closing your eyes once more as your whole body relaxed when he resumed stroking your hair. Something about the way his fingers moved put you almost in a trance, “He has a nice new scar to show how stupid he is.”
You could hear the smile in his voice when he responded. “That’s my girl.” His voice was low, proud and warm, like it had never stopped being true.
You couldn’t help but smile. As much as this place felt like hell, it somehow felt like heaven too. Getting to be with the boys you grew up with, getting to have these quiet moments with Xaden again? It was all that you’d been craving for years now. In fact, if this was all you got to have the rest of your life? You think you’d be okay with that.
When you opened your eyes again, and looked up at Xaden, you couldn’t help but question though, would he? He was so handsome. Easily the most gorgeous guy in the quadrant, probably the whole college, and pretty soon, someone was going to get brave enough to flirt with him. You wondered if that was something he wanted.
You sure didn’t like the way the thought made your heart squeeze, and suddenly you had to know. “Xaden?”
“Mhmm?”
“Anybody caught your eye here?” You asked, biting your lip, and trying to ignore the way your heart wouldn’t slow down.
He stared at you, and by the slight smirk tilting a corner of his lips, you got the distinct impression that he saw right through your question. “As if you’d let anyone else steal my attention.”
Heat rushed to your face, and a warmth filled your chest. “If it was something you wanted- I could learn to share.”
Xaden shook his head with a soft smile. “No you couldn’t, but it’s not something I want anyway.”
You couldn’t deny the relief that his words sent through your body. Despite what he said, if Xaden wanted someone, you would learn to share his attention. You would hate it, because it would mean moments like this with him wouldn’t exist anymore, but you would do it if it meant his happiness. Knowing that you didn’t have to worry about that though? At least for right now? It took a little weight off your chest. Your hand reached up, tugging on his shirt. “If you do decide that’s something you want, you’ll tell me right?”
Xaden reached for the hand holding his shirt, taking it in his own, and giving it a squeeze. “I’ll tell you.” He promised.
You closed your eyes again, a slow smile forming on your lips as he continued to stroke your hair, knowing that for right now, you didn’t have to share.
Maybe you should have told him then that he wouldn’t have to share either. Ever. But the next week, when Xaden challenged that second year that tried to take advantage of you, and then proceeded to wipe the floor with him on the mat, you got the feeling you didn’t have to.
Xaden wasn’t going to share you either.
——————————
The landing jarred every bruised bone in your body. You were covered in blood. It filled your mouth with its copper taste. It dripped from your forehead and into your right eye. It still leaked from your thigh despite the makeshift tourniquet. You pushed all of that aside though, because despite the attack, you were now bonded to a fucking dragon.
“You would not be bleeding so much had you come when I called.” She said, tone dry.
You tried not to gasp at the pain in your thigh as you slid off her, landing on shaky legs, but you made it. “No, I wouldn’t be bleeding so much if the fucking crown Prince of Navarre hadn’t sent his little army after me.” When you had felt the pull of your new dragon Ailith, you had come across a secret meeting and overheard Alic’s plans to capture you and Garrick to lure Xaden out and kill him. Problem with that was that he hadn’t done his homework, sending five half trained cadets after you like you were something frail. “Besides,” you patted her leg. “Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy the show. After all, you could’ve helped.”
“If you couldn’t take on five poorly trained cadets you were unworthy of my bond.” She huffed, then added, “Though I admit, it was entertaining to watch.”
You couldn’t help but agree.
Her head snapped to the side, as if she could hear something you could not. “I believe your friends are very concerned for your safety.” Her head tilted. “Sgaeyl reports the taller one particularly agitated.”
Xaden.
You almost collapsed with relief, or you supposed it could be blood loss at this point. “They’re okay?” You asked, your voice breaking on the last word.
She turned her gaze back to you, and her golden eyes softened the smallest fraction. “They are injured, but they will be fine, fierce one.” She assured you.
You heard your name being called, and turned around in just enough time to be lifted off your feet into a hug by a bruised and bloody Garrick. “Fuck, am I glad to see you.” He muttered, his voice cracking as he held you against him.
“I’m glad to see you too.” You said, and you couldn’t be sure whether that was more blood or tears running down your cheek. “I tried - I tried to hold them off when I heard they were coming, I ran to try and distract them, but they split up and-”
“Is she okay?” A familiar voice interrupted the two of you.
You lifted your head off Garrick’s shoulder.
A cut sliced through his eyebrow. A bruise painted his jaw. But he was here. Breathing. Alive. “Xaden,” you exhaled.
Garrick, sensing that you needed someone else now, placed you down on the ground in time for Xaden to step forward, cupping your face in his hands. You watched as his eyes seemed to catalogue every single visible injury on your body, and then traveled back up to meet yours.
If you didn’t know Xaden, you would miss it. The tense jaw, the rigid shoulders, the icy glint in his eyes. Then there was the slight tremor in his hands, the crack in his armor. Xaden, who was usually the picture of control, was about to lose it.
You placed your hand on his chest, rubbing right above his heart. “I’m fine, Xaden.” When his eyes narrowed at you, you corrected. “Okay, mostly fine.”
“How many?” His voice was low, dangerous.
“Five.” You drew a rune with your finger on his chest, right over his heart. Slow and deliberate, just between the two of you. You wondered if he’d pick up on it. “They underestimated me.” You smirked.
You had been hoping that you would get at least a small smile, but nothing. “Where are you hurt the worst?” He asked.
“Xaden,” you frowned. “I’m fine-”
There was a growl from behind you, and you heard Ailith’s voice in your mind. “You are not fine. Let the tall one help you before I reconsider my choice of rider.”
You sighed, bone-deep. Was this your new reality now? Blood loss, bossy dragons, and being taken half-dead into tents? “My thigh is still bleeding pretty badly.” You admitted.
Without a word, Xaden scooped you up in his arms, only putting you down long enough to tell your dragon’s name to the roll keeper, and then you were back in his arms being carried to the makeshift healer's tent. He was warm and steady, one of the only things in your day that hadn’t tried to kill you, so while it caused stares, you couldn’t bring yourself to protest.
The rest of the evening passed by in a blur. You barely remembered the healer’s hands or the stab of the needle. Just flashes of light, Garrick’s murmured voice, and Xaden’s hovering shadow.
Hours later, while everyone else was out celebrating their new bonds and another day of survival, your body decided it was too beat up to do so. You found yourself laying in bed instead, about to drift off in exhaustion when someone knocked on your door.
When you opened it, you weren’t surprised to find Xaden there. He stared into your eyes for a moment, then walked in, shutting the door behind him. Within seconds you were wrapped up in the hug you’d been waiting for since you landed on the ground this afternoon.
Your knees buckled, but his arms were already there, anchoring you to him. Every bit of tension and pain in your body was shoved aside as Xaden held you in his arms, his hands cradling you against him like you were something precious. You felt him kiss the stitches on your hairline, but refused to wince. You’d endure anything for that kind of touch.
“I wish I could kill him again for this.”
You didn’t respond. There wasn’t anything to say. The fury in his voice said everything.
Xaden didn’t say anything else. He just continued to hold you. For a moment you wondered if he needed this more than you.
Unfortunately your leg, still burning, started to throb, and you knew you needed to lay back down. You didn’t want him to leave though. The thought of sleeping alone felt like asking your body to fall apart again. You needed him close. Pulling back enough to look in his eyes, you asked, “stay with me tonight?”
His brow furrowed, concern etched on his face, and almost as if he could sense your thoughts, he frowned. “Is your leg still bothering you?”
You hesitated, then nodded. There was no point in lying, not to him.
Like earlier, he swept you right up into his arms, carrying you to your bed. He didn’t have to, it was steps away, but he did, settling you onto it. As soon as you were comfortable on your side, he slid in behind you, the warmth of his chest enveloping your back as his breath brushed the curve of your neck and his arms wrapped around you.
This was what you needed. More than anything the healers or menders could give you. You snuggled back against him, closing your eyes and trying not to shiver at the movement of his thumb stroking up and down your stomach. “What happened?” You asked, needing to know.
Xaden tensed, his arms tightening around you, fingers still moving against your stomach in slow, grounding strokes. You could feel his jaw clench near your temple. “I found them trying to kill Garrick. There were at least ten of them. Apparently Alic had spent a lot of time amassing his own little posse.”
“Probably didn’t take much. Everyone wants to kiss the ass of the possible future king.” You grumbled.
“Garrick was taking on two, and I was up against Alic.” Xaden continued. “He wouldn’t shut up. He kept talking about how he was doing us all a favor, taking us out now. That no one expected us to make it any farther than right here. If they didn’t take us out now, the dragons would. They were loyal to Navarre and would burn us the moment they got the chance.”
Your hand reached up and started stroking Xaden’s arm, tracing along the lines of his relic. “Guess the jokes on them since we all bonded.”
“Then he started talking about you. How he hoped they were taking their time with you. How he was hoping we were close enough to hear you scream when they finished you off.” Xaden said, his voice was dark, sharp as the edge of his swords as his arms tightened around you. “He should have shut up.”
“They taunted me too.” You admitted. “Said they couldn’t wait to see you and Garrick’s traitor blood spilled. How they’d keep doing it until there was none of us left.” You took a shaky breath, your anger spiking at the thought. “It makes me want to scream that they’re so concerned with having us here when there’s a much larger problem out there staring them in the face.”
“Unless someone does something about it.”
You knew that tone. You looked over your shoulder to find his eyes watching you, as if waiting for your reaction. “What’s your plan?” You asked, because you knew by that voice he had one.
Xaden smirked.
And you knew everything was about to change.
——————————
A sharp, frantic pounding at your door tore you from sleep like a blade to your spine. It felt like you had just laid down, and you couldn’t be more irritated. You wanted to ignore it, curl back into the sheets, but the knocking was insistent. You groaned, walking over to the door and opening it. “You better have a damn good reason - Xaden?”
You’d never seen him like this. You’d known him almost your whole life, and you’d never seen him so . . . on edge. His jaw was clenched so tight you thought his teeth might crack. His eyes were fixed on the ground, shadows pooled under them like bruises. He stood rigid in your doorway, more like a storm held in human form than a man. “I can’t shut her out.” He croaked, still not looking at you.
There was one “she” he could be talking about, but . . . why would he need to shut her out? “Sgaeyl?” You tried to confirm.
His only response was a stiff nod.
Your mind drifted to that sapphire blue bond, still fresh in your mind after only a few months. “Is Sgaeyl okay?” You asked Ailith.
You could have sworn you heard . . . A chortle of laughter in response. “Sgaeyl is more than fine,” Ailith purred, smug and infuriating. “She’s entangled in matters of great passion. Unfortunately, so is her rider.”
You frowned, feeling like there was a joke you were missing out on. “What does that mean? Xaden is . . . barely hanging on right now.”
Her response was even more amused. “Sgaeyl is spending time with her mate, and the tall one needs to work on his shields.”
Your eyes widened. Was she implying - “Xaden, what are you feeling?” You asked quietly.
His eyes snapped to yours, black with barely restrained hunger, and your breath caught. Then they dropped, slowly, deliberately, dragging down the length of your body like a physical caress. Your skin burned in his gaze, each inch branded by want. “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Wearing?” Xaden grunted out, and you let out a breath as his hands gripped your door frame, fingers digging into the stone.
You glanced down, your frown deepening as you looked at the gown. “This is what I sleep in, Xaden,” you glanced up at him again, more and more concerned with his behavior. You reached out to him and grabbed his flight jacket, trying to tug him inside. “Come in before someone sees-”
“Don’t,” he ground out, stumbling back like your fingers were fire. “If you touch me right now, I will lose every shred of control I have left.”
“This is almost as entertaining as watching you kill all those cadets,” Ailith’s voice spoke down the bond again.
You didn’t find it so amusing.
“How do I help him?” You asked. You didn’t like feeling like this. So powerless to do anything but watch him suffer.
“I believe you can figure that out on your own.” Ailith dismissed, humor still in her voice as a wall slammed down between your connection, and she cut you off.
You almost growled in frustration, but stopped when you locked eyes on Xaden who was still so tense you were afraid he was going to break something. “Why can’t I touch you, Xaden?” You whispered.
His eyes darkened. “Because if you touch me-“ Xaden rasped, jaw clenched. “I won’t be able to stop. I’ll take and take until I’ve had every inch of you - and even that might not be enough.”
It all clicked into place then. Why Xaden was so freaked out. Why he was looking at you like he was starving. Ailith’s words about Sgaeyl and her mate. Xaden not being able to shut her out. You hadn’t been bonded long, but you knew what it was like to have your dragon’s emotions override your own.
Xaden was being consumed by lust.
And the only person he trusted to see him like this, so out of control, was you.
Your heart thudded against your chest at the implications. You knew how you could help him. The question was, if he’d let you.
You reached out again, and this time he didn’t stop you, staring into your eyes as you tugged him inside your room, shutting the door behind him. As soon as you let go of him, his trembling hands landed on your hips. His nose dragged along your neck, inhaling like he was trying to breathe you into his lungs, his lips brushing the spot below your ear as his breath stuttered out, hot and shaky.
You should’ve been scared, of what this might mean, of what it could ruin. But all you could think about was how long you’d wanted him like this. Wild. Unraveled. Yours.
“Let me help you.” You whispered, reaching up to tangle your fingers in his soft curls. “Even if it’s the bond.” You hated how your heart cracked around the truth. Even if it meant nothing in the morning.
Xaden’s fingers dug in so hard to your hips you were sure there would be bruises. “I won’t use you.” He grunted against your neck.
You pulled back enough to look into his eyes. Then, you took one of his hands, and slid it down your side, keeping your gaze locked on his as you slid the warm, calloused hand under your gown. “You need a release.” You took a shaky breath as he started rubbing circles on your inner thigh with his thumb. “I could do with one too.”
He shuddered, visibly shaken as he touched your skin, letting out a sharp breath. “You’re so fucking soft.” He growled, each word dragging rough and reverent against your skin. His lips brushed your ear, and your breath hitched. “You always have been.”
A current of heat and anticipation skated across your skin like lightning, your nerves humming as your hands slid up his chest, memorizing every inch. “And you . . . are definitely not soft.”
Xaden let out a choked laugh, and you held your breath as his lips brushed across your skin once more with the slightest touch.
A soft sigh escaped you, and you bit your lip. “Let me help you, Xaden.” You whispered, your voice trembling with the weight of everything unsaid. “Please.” You knew it was going to hurt, but you also knew it was going to be amazing. The pain would be worth every second of being with him.
Xaden pulled back then, to look into your eyes, and his facial expression almost looked pained. As if he wanted to give in, but something was still holding him back. “You have no idea what you mean to me.” Xaden said, his voice almost shattered. “I can’t risk-”
“I want you, Xaden,” the words slipped from your lips before you could think, rough and bare and years overdue. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think you’d ever look at me like this. But this isn’t pity. This is five years of wanting you and trying not to show it. I want your hands on me. I want you in every way there is.”
He continued to look at you, searching your eyes, and you weren’t sure what he was looking for, but you knew the moment he found it. His eyes darkened, and one of his hands reached up to cup your cheek. “. . . Fuck,” he said, the word broken and more fragile than you’d ever heard him speak, but you didn’t have time to linger on it.
Because then, as if all the restraint in him snapped, Xaden crushed his mouth to yours.
The world fractured at the seams - air, time, thought, all vanished. You didn’t just kiss him, you collapsed into him. Into five years of yearning, into every held breath and unsaid word. You didn’t melt. You burned.
Xaden didn’t kiss. He consumed. His mouth was all hunger and heat, stealing every breath, every thought, until nothing was left but raw sensation and the addictive rush of him. And still, it wasn’t enough. You’d let him take everything - soul, breath, sanity - and offer up more with trembling hands.
He groaned against your lips, his arm tightening around you to hold you steady even though you hadn’t even realized you’d been swaying. He parted your lips skillfully and tilted your head for an angle that had you seeing stars.
Gods, kissing had never felt like this, like worship and destruction all at once. Was it because you’d only kissed lousy kissers, or was it because it was Xaden? You had a feeling it was the second. Your hands clenched into fists in his shirt because even though he was holding you up, the strokes of his tongue had you weak. You started feeling as out of control as him, all of your energy focused on kissing him back, pouring out every inch of desire into him. When the hand on your thigh slid up and he brushed your heated core, you couldn’t help but let out a whimper, wanting him there desperately.
Xaden pulled away from your lips, letting out a shaky exhale, his fingers dug into your thigh beneath your gown, possessive, shaking. “I can’t be gentle right now,” he rasped, voice wrecked.
You let your gaze meet his, and you were sure your eyes were as dark and hazy as his when you tugged at his shirt sharply. “Who said I wanted gentle?” you breathed, dragging him closer. “I want you.”
Whatever lingering control Xaden had vanished.
One moment you were staring up at him, the next heartbeat your back was against your desk. Objects clattered to the floor - books, bottles, maybe your sanity - but none of it mattered. He was everywhere, and he was kissing you again, every single delicious inch of him pressed against you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to care. His mouth was relentless, and you chased every kiss like it might be your last, sighing at the delicate slide of your tongue against his. He tasted like chocolate and churam, and you were almost positive you could get high off of it.
His hands weren’t hesitant anymore. They roamed all over your body, dragging over your skin in a way that had chills racing down your spine. You tugged him even closer, gasping as one of his hands made its way to your breast and squeezed, sending a shockwave of pleasure down your spine. “Xaden . . .” His name left your lips like a prayer, like a plea, your body arching into every devastating stroke of his hand.
Then you decided it was your turn. Your hand was the one exploring now, slipping through the narrow space between you, savoring how Xaden’s muscles tensed like a drawn bow beneath your touch - right up until you reached his leathers. After a second of hesitation, you reached in and gripped him in your hand, hot and heavy.
He moved, spinning you so fast your breath hitched and your hand shot out to steady yourself on the desk. One of his hands landed on your hip while the other gripped the strands of your hair in his fist. A breath escaped as he tugged your head back against his shoulder, his grip in your hair firm, but not causing pain. “Not yet,” Xaden murmured, and then his mouth was on your skin again.
You were going to combust. Heat, power, and want flooded your bloodstream, tangled with the bliss of his lips. He kissed every exposed inch of you until he reached the spot where your neck met your collarbone. Your heart stopped for a moment as he paused, and then he was sucking, biting, marking you as his.
Oh gods. The idea of being his, claimed, marked, had your toes curling. You arched your hips back into him with a moan, desperate for more friction, more of him. You’d never needed something so much in your life, but if you didn’t get him inside of you soon, you were sure you were going to combust. “Xaden, I need you.” You whispered.
His hand moved low to your stomach and held you there, rolling his hips and making you moan again. “Say that again,” he said, whispering the words in your ear.
“I need you inside me, Xay,” you whispered again, and felt him shudder. Whether it was from the desperation in your voice or the nickname no one else dared use, you didn’t know, but it did something to him.
The next heartbeat though his hand was back under your gown, another heartbeat and he had slipped it through the front of your underwear and between your thighs, his fingers slow, deliberate, devastating. Your knees buckled, and if he hadn’t been holding you, you were sure you would have fallen.
“Fuck . . .” Xaden groaned, slipping another finger inside easily with how wet you were. “Is this all it takes, beautiful? My mouth, my hands, and you’re already this wet for me?”
Embarrassment didn’t even register. “You’ve clearly underestimated how long I’ve wanted you.” You breathed, letting out a whimper as his thumb pressed against your clit.
His hand let go of your hair, and slid around the front of your body, taking hold of your breast again. His touch was scorching even through the thin silk of your nightgown. The only thing that would feel better was his hand on your skin. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?” Xaden murmured, then cruelly, he slipped his fingers out of you.
Your hips followed him, desperate for his touch again, but in a move that left you gasping, his hand grabbed your underwear and ripped them clean off of you. As soon as they were out of the way, two fingers slipped back inside of you, his thumb rubbing circles on your clit.
“How many times I’ve wanted to kill someone just for looking at you like they had a chance?” Xaden continued, as your head fell back against his shoulder. “You’re mine, no matter how many others you play with, they don’t matter. You are mine.”
He was going to destroy you. Either with his words or his touch you weren’t sure. Gods had he really been feeling this way? Or was this the bond getting the better of him? You didn’t have time to dwell on it, because in the next moment his fingers slipped out of you again, leaving you aching as you slumped against him. Then you heard the unmistakable sound of his leathers dropping behind him, and when he pulled your hips back against him, you let out a low moan.
This was happening. Xaden was about to fuck you, and it wasn’t some fever dream you’d wake up from, ashamed and alone. This was real.
He took one of his legs and pushed yours further apart while his hands slid your nightgown up to your hips. “Tell me that no one else has mattered. Tell me that you want me.” Xaden growled in your ear, and you whimpered as he ran his cock along your slit.
Gods he expected you to form words right now? If you hadn’t already thought the words, you would’ve been too blissed out to say them. “They were nothing. Placeholders for nights when I got lonely because I couldn’t have you.” You admitted breathlessly, as you arched your hips back against him, needing him inside you more than you needed air. “Xaden, please . . .”
His hand flexed at your hip, and a shiver went down your spine as his lips brushed your ear. “You told me to tell you if I wanted someone. I do.” Your heart stopped as he paused at your entrance. “It’s you.”
Then, in one deep thrust, he slammed inside of you.
His hand covered your mouth to stifle your cry as he filled you up more than anyone ever had. While one of your hands clutched at the edge of the table, the other reached up and grabbed his wrist, digging into his skin as your eyes closed at the intensity of this moment.
Gods you didn’t even have the right words to describe the pleasure that was pouring through your body. The closest thing you could think of was when you were flying and Ailith would go into a sudden dive. The adrenaline would crawl up your throat, all encompassing, exuberant. It was one of your favorite things. However the pleasure, the intimacy of having Xaden inside of you, topped it.
“Are you okay?” His voice sounded almost underwater with the sound of blood rushing to your ears, but you heard him.
You nodded, and then tugged his hand down from your mouth so he could hear you. “Don’t stop. You feel perfect.” You said breathlessly. Then, unable to help yourself, you pressed back against him, looking for that friction again and moaning when you found it. Godsdamn you were never going to get enough of this.
“Fuck,” Xaden’s voice was raw, almost tortured, and this time there was no stopping him. He pushed down on your back until your chest was resting on top of the desk, and then slid out of you for the briefest moment to push himself back in roughly. The whole desk shook with the force of it, and you cried out again as the new angle caused him to hit even deeper inside of you.
Xaden didn’t bother to muffle your voice this time.
As promised, he wasn’t gentle. His pace was rough, bruising. He used a hand on the small of your back to hold you down to the table while he pounded into you, keeping you in place while his other hand dug into your hip. You’d seen Xaden out of control, rarely, but never like this. It was as if everything that you knew he kept inside of him was being unleashed, and it added an extra level of intimacy to the moment knowing that he felt safe enough to do it with you.
You loved every second of it.
Pleasure curled low in your stomach as heat rushed through your body, and you felt a familiar rush of power flooding you. Almost as if he could sense it, Xaden’s pace picked up even more until you could barely keep up, your hands digging into the sides of the table. “Xaden . . .” You moaned, not even sure what you were asking for. All that you knew was that you needed more.
He seemed to know though. His hand that was around your back slid around to slip between your thighs, touching you in a way that would have made you fall to your knees if you hadn't already been across the desk. His other slid up your side to cover your hand, entwining your fingers with his large ones. Xaden said your name then, raw and vulnerable, and you closed your eyes at the sound of it and the emotions it stirred in you. “I’m not going to make it long with you squeezing me like that.” He groaned, his hand tightening around yours.
You hadn’t even realized you’d been doing it. Your body reacting before your mind could even catch up with what was happening. “Don’t care,” you managed to say. “I’m so close too.” You told him, letting out another cry as he slammed to you again, hitting a spot that had you seeing stars.
Your words seemed to egg him on, and his pace became relentless. There was no time to breathe, no time to absorb anything that was happening. It was a build up of pleasure that was moments away from crashing over you and dragging you under. You felt Xaden lean over the desk, his lips finding your ear again. “I’ve got you. Let go.” He whispered, and then brought his lips down to your neck while rubbing your clit.
Like your body had been waiting for permission, you exploded. Your whole body tensed, then released in waves of bliss almost like when you were using Ailith’s power. You know you called out his name, squeezing his hand so you didn’t lose him in the ocean of pleasure he’d dragged you into.
Some part of you heard his grunt of, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” while he sped up even more than you thought was possible until he released inside of you.
Glass shattered, and darkness swallowed the room.
“Xaden!” You gasped, panic widening your eyes as your other hand reached for him.
“It’s me,” He said, taking your other hand like an anchor, and you watched as the blackness - the shadows - slithered back toward him, curling along the walls like smoke. “I’ve never - I’ve never done that.” His muscles released against your back, and you felt the most gentle kiss against your shoulder as your breathing went back to normal.
And as soft light returned to the room, your eyes landed on the plant in your window, once a modest size, now curled up the whole height of your wall, the pot it had been in shattered on the ground. “Yeah . . . I’ve never done that either.” You breathed, eyes wide.
Gods. That had really happened.
A slow, satisfied smile formed on your lips as feeling started to return to your body. Sensation returned in pieces: the cold press of wood against your cheek, the edge of a scroll digging into your stomach, the delicious heat of Xaden flush against your back -
You laughed, unable to hold it in. “Gods, you didn’t even bother taking your shirt off.”
There was silence for a moment, and then you heard one of your favorite sounds in the world. Even more rare than his smile.
His laugh.
You let out a sigh as he slid out of you, then gripped your waist, turning you around to face him. He looked so much calmer, more like the Xaden you knew, and not the desperate man who’d shown up at your door. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me without a shirt on.” Xaden said, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the view when I get it” You said, and you let your hands slip under his shirt, fingertips brushing the hard muscles of his abs that had your mouth watering and eager to trace them with your tongue.
His eyes darkened, hands slipping lower to tease at the hem of your gown.
You’d thought the fire had burned out, but no - he was already stroking it again.
“You know, it’s not fair. You’ve seen me, but I haven’t seen you.”
You raised an eyebrow at him. “Who’s fault is that?”
Xaden smirked at you, “Can’t blame me for getting distracted when you’re wearing a gown like that.” His hands fisting in the fabric.
A small smile tugged at your lips. The Deverelli silk clung like a whisper - barely there, hiding nothing. You loved the way it felt on your skin, but right now, all you wanted was Xaden. His hands. His lips. His everything. “Well, I’m all for fairness,” you said, and kept your eyes locked on him as you slipped the straps over your shoulders.
Xaden took it from there, tugging it down your hips, and your whole body heated once more as his eyes trailed over every inch of skin you revealed like he was memorizing it. Then he paused at a spot right above your heart. “When did you get that?” He asked, voice low, brow furrowing.
Your heart stuttered for a moment, because you’d forgotten it existed until Xaden reminded you of it. You bit your bottom lip, unsure. You never thought you’d have to tell him, but there was no way you could lie to him after all that. “Right after our parents- ” You swallowed hard, the words crumbling in your throat before you could finish.
He didn’t need you to though. His thumb brushed across the scar again, the touch reverent. Then he glanced back up at you, his eyes still dark. “Who is it for?”
You hesitated, but reached down to take his hand, sliding it up over the scar until his eyes met yours. “You took responsibility for everyone, no questions asked, but . . .” You squeezed his hand. “I wanted to have responsibility for you.”
You’d never seen him like this, truly speechless. His gaze was locked on yours, and you watched emotion crash over his features in waves. Disbelief, guilt, sorrow, but then it changed to something else. Reverence, devotion, and for a second, something you were too scared to even put a name to. When he spoke, his voice was low and rough, even though it barely rose over a whisper. “You didn’t have to-”
You lifted his hand up to your lips. “I think we need to work on your communication skills, Xaden Riorson.” You said, pressing a delicate kiss to his palm. “Because I just told you, I wanted to.”
His hand slid up to cradle the side of your neck, his thumb brushing across your jawline with aching tenderness. “You realize that mark means you’re stuck with me.” Xaden murmured, his eyes like twin pools of onyx locked on yours.
“You should be more concerned that you’re stuck with me.” He would be. He was never getting rid of you now.
One of those rare, gorgeous smiles tugged at his lips. The next heartbeat, his shirt hit the floor. The one after, he had you in the air, leaving you gasping with a laugh as you clung to his muscled body like a lifeline. Then your back hit the mattress and Xaden was on you, kissing you like a starving man, like you were the only thing in the world worth tasting.
——————————
You had no idea what time it was when your eyes opened, but you knew it was still dark outside your window so it couldn’t have been long. You stretched out on your bed with a soft, blissful sigh as memories of earlier curled around your thoughts like smoke. You rolled over, hoping to find an asleep Xaden, but instead you found him sitting up, the moonlight catching on the map of scars across his bare back. You gave into the quiet pull in your chest and sat up, leaning forward to press a kiss against one.
He tensed beneath your touch, and you sighed, running your hands up and down the steel lines of his biceps.
“If you try to make this weird, Xaden Riorson, I swear I’ll kick your ass.” You warned, your voice low but firm.
You couldn’t see his face, but you saw the way his jaw clenched, the thoughts churning behind his silence. Before he could spiral, you cut in.
“And remember, I know you. I know how your mind works, and don’t insult me by even thinking I’d let you use me like that. I’ve been dreaming about what happened for years.” You pressed a tender kiss to his shoulder. “So unless you’ve decided you don’t want me-”
Xaden turned to face you, his eyes narrowing at your words. “Don’t ever think that. I could be at Malek’s doorstep, and I’d still be craving you more than death.”
His words sent your heartbeat stuttering, and suddenly you weren’t close enough. You climbed into his lap, sliding your arms around his neck. “Then don’t fight it.” You whispered, resting your forehead against his.
Xaden wrapped his arms around you like he never planned to let go. “I can’t.” He let out a sigh, looking so deep into your eyes, you were sure he could see straight to your soul. “But if something happens . . . If this doesn’t work - I will not lose you.”
You didn’t want to think about it not working. You didn’t want to think about the possibility of anything other than forever with him, but you knew why he had to say it. You and Xaden were entwined, far beyond the physical. Your souls had been tangled together since that ridiculous night Garrick locked you both in the kitchen and refused to let you out until you were best friends - right around the time Xaden handed you the bigger half of his chocolate cake without a word. Xaden owned too much of your soul to ever let him go, no matter what happened between the two of you. “You can’t lose me, Xaden.” You took his hand and pressed it over the scar above your heart. “You’re a part of me.”
His eyes flared as he felt the scar under his palm, and then moved his hand so he could press a kiss against it. “And you’re a part of me.”
Gods let that be enough.
——————————
You paced from the edge of the courtyard to the stone pillar and back again, arms folded so tight they might bruise.
“You’re making me dizzy.”
You ignored him.
“Pacing back and forth is not going to make them show up any faster.”
You gave him nothing.
“Xaden, your girl is making me nauseous.”
There was a sigh, and a large hand grabbed your wrist, tugging your back into a firm chest. “I swear, being around the two of you is like taking care of toddlers.” Xaden murmured, trapping you against him with an arm around your waist.
“Let me go so I can actually make him nauseous.” You grumbled, crossing your arms over your chest.
“You need to relax.” His breath brushed against your ear as he leaned in close. “They’re going to make it across. Like we did.” You let out a little sigh as he brushed a kiss to your cheek. “Worrying is not going to change anything. Besides, I thought I wore you out too much last night for you to be this wound up.”
Despite yourself, a little smile tugged at your lips as scenes from last night began to play in your mind, sending a wave of desire through your blood. “Guess not. You’ll have to make up for it tonight, Squad Leader.” You teased him.
He bit your earlobe, just enough to make you shiver. “Greedy.”
You laughed, cheeks flushing.
“Okay now I’m really nauseous. I think I liked it better when you two were oblivious idiots.” Garrick said, pulling you and Xaden out of your moment. His words may have been annoyed, but the dimple in his cheek exposed how happy he was for the two of you.
You flipped him off with a grin. “Don’t be jealous because Imogen’s not here for you to flirt with yet.”
“Urgh, as if. Everyone knows the only person I’d flirt with here is you.” A familiar voice said.
For the first time in a year, you willingly peeled yourself out of Xaden’s arms to tackle your best friend in a hug. “I knew you’d make that parapet your bitch.” You mumbled as you held her even tighter.
She laughed, returning your hug just as strongly. “No way was I abandoning you with this duo of disaster. Well, trio now, I guess.” She said, and you looked up to see Bodhi grinning behind you.
Relief swept through you, tension melting from your shoulders. While the danger wasn’t over, you could at least keep a better eye on them now. Especially since Xaden was a Squad Leader and Garrick an Executive Officer. Not for the Squad you were in, but still, it had its benefits. It also helped that everyone was scared shitless of Xaden.
Except for you.
You watched as he approached Bodhi, pulling back from Imogen so you could watch the two of them embrace. “It’s good to see you, cousin.” You heard Xaden say.
Bodhi returned his hug. “You too.” His words were short, but you could feel the emotion rolling off of him in waves. They were thick with feeling. Relief. Gratitude. The ache of finally being with family.
“Gotta say, Durran. Thought you would have grown at least a little since last time.” Garrick said with a grin as he embraced the younger boy.
“What’s your excuse, Tavis?” Imogen said before Bodhi could even respond as you stepped forward to give him your own hug now. “I think you’ve gotten shorter since the last time I saw you.”
You smirked. Gods, it had always been obvious, but now it was undeniable - Imogen and Garrick still had that spark. Even if they insisted on pretending otherwise.
Xaden sighed, and a ribbon of shadow curled around your ankle, something new he’d just started to master. A quiet, intimate kind of claim. “I take it back.” He said, his hand settling on your hip as Garrick and Imogen’s bickering hit a new pitch. “I’d rather handle you and Garrick than them.”
You grinned over at him.
——————————
“I won.”
“It wasn’t a race.”
“It was the moment I called it.”
Xaden slid off Sgaeyl’s back with enviable ease, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at you. “When you had already started flying away. I believe that makes you a cheater not a winner.”
You stuck your tongue out at him. “Don’t be a sore loser.”
He cocked an eyebrow at you, a smirk playing at his lips as he stepped towards you. “I can think of much better uses for that tongue, you know.”
“Xaden!” You playfully gasped, slapping at his chest. “Not in front of the dragons! We’ll traumatize them.” You couldn’t help but smile though as he took hold of your hands, entwining your fingers. “Sgaeyl is finally starting to like me.”
He shook his head, backing you up until your spine brushed cool stone. “She tolerates you.”
“Because according to her, you make the tall one less surly.” Ailith supplied down your bond.
You would’ve grinned at Sgaeyl if you weren’t afraid of her literally biting your head off. “Tolerate is better than despise.” You insisted, tugging him close until his body was pressed against yours. “Ailith likes you.”
Xaden’s smirk turned into a grin as he bumped his nose against yours. “Oh?” He said in a disbelieving tone.
“Only because he makes you happy, fierce one. If he stops doing so I’ll gladly set him aflame.” Ailith told you, warmth edged with threat.
Affection rolled down your bond, and your smile turned soft. “She says you make me happy.”
Something tender flickered across his face - like you’d handed him your heart, and he knew how carefully he needed to hold it. “Do I?” He asked. His tone was playful, but you knew the question was real.
You loved how easy it was for you to tell him the truth. “You always have, Xaden.”
You could feel it coming off of his skin. The joy, the awe, the pride, even the four letter word you still had trouble believing. His eyes were shining as he looked at you. “All right,” he conceded. “You win. What do you want as your prize?” He asked, one of his hands letting go of you to tug at the collar of your shirt.
Your eyes fluttered shut as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to that sensitive spot behind your ear that had you squirming. “Mhmm, you.” You responded, your voice already a little breathless.
Xaden’s mouth kept moving - along your jaw, down your neck - while his fingers slid under the collar of your shirt, tugging it down enough to expose the scar on your chest. He pressed a kiss to it, and sparks shot through your bloodstream. “I’m already yours.” He murmured.
There was no deception in his voice, simply facts, and your whole body melted at the words because they were still hard to believe. You didn’t think you’d done anything in your life to deserve how Xaden Riorson felt about you, but you were going to hold it close to your chest all the same.
Xaden moved, and it pulled you out of your thoughts as he got down on his knees in front of you, trailing kisses down your chest, then lower. “Xaden, what are you-?”
“How about for your prize . . .” His hand unbuttoned your leathers, and he shoved them down to your knees. “I’ll show you some of the uses of my tongue?” He looked up at you with a downright sinful smirk, and within the next heartbeat he had you in the air, legs lifted as he fit himself between them, cool leathers brushing your thighs, and his shoulders braced beneath you.
Heat flooded your veins, curling low in your belly despite the chill of the stone at your back. Your fingers dove into his soft, dark hair, tugging him closer. “You have such good ideas.” You told him, brushing his hair back so you could see the wicked smile that was all for you.
Xaden’s grin turned devilish.
——————————
“And you say I’m the one who’s always distracting you.” You tossed a look over your shoulder, voice laced with amusement.
“Hmm?” Was all he offered in return.
You glanced over at Xaden and groaned. He was lounging shirtless against the headboard, arms tucked behind his head, muscles on full display - tempting enough that your tongue itched to trace every inch.
Unfair. Completely and utterly unfair.
“I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.” Xaden said, his tone pure innocence, but his smirk and the look in his eyes gave him away.
You looked pointedly at the shadow that was teasing up your thigh with a featherlight touch. “Oh, you don’t?”
Xaden smirked. “Sometimes they have a mind of their own. They like you.”
A pleased smile tugged at your lips before you could stop it. “Uh huh. Totally unrelated to the stupidly sexy man who’s been doing everything short of lighting himself on fire to get my attention for the last hour?”
His eyes sparkled. “Stupidly sexy, huh?” He echoed, smug, as his shadow slid even higher, making you shiver.
Gods you were so weak for him. It took so little for him to make you fold it was almost embarrassing. Then again, you didn’t care. “You’re not going to let me finish this, are you?”
His smirk widened.
You sighed, loud and theatrical, and then all but ran to his bed, diving into his arms, right where you belonged.
Xaden laughed, threading his fingers into your hair while the other slid beneath your shirt, tracing slow circles on your spine. He then pressed a lingering kiss to the side of your face that made you smile. “That’s better.”
“I’m going to tell everyone that Xaden Riorson is the quadrant's biggest cuddler and ruin your badass reputation.” You mumbled into his neck, returning his kiss with one against his warm skin.
“No one will believe you.” He replied, amusement threaded in his tone as he continued to draw soothing circles on your back.
He wasn’t wrong, but you weren’t going to admit it. “You’re hindering my education.”
He nipped at your ear. “Since when have you given a shit?”
You pulled back, giving him your most serious thinking face, then ruined it with a grin. “You’re right.” You said, then leaned forward to capture his lips in a deep kiss.
His smile curved against your lips, and before you could catch your breath, he flipped you beneath him, your back hitting the mattress with a soft thump as he settled over you.
He slid his tongue between your parted lips, turning your laughter into something breathless. Gods you would never have enough of him. You would drown in this man without hesitation, even if it meant never surfacing for air again. Nothing, absolutely nothing could compare to the way Xaden kissed you, like you were the only thing in this world that brought him peace.
A sharp knock broke the moment like shattering glass, and you and Xaden groaned in unison - you already knew who it was. “Sometimes his distance wielding is really inconvenient.” You murmured against Xaden’s lips.
He pulled back to give you a soft smile that went straight into your box of favorites. “We’ll continue this later. We’ve got time.” He replied, getting off of you, only to pull you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you like he had no intention of letting go. “Come on in.” He called to Garrick.
Garrick stepped in, closing the door behind him, a smile tugging at his lips when he spotted the two of you. “Cozy,” he remarked.
“Did everything go okay?” Xaden asked, ignoring the jab. His hand kept tracing slow, absent circles on your stomach.
He nodded, “They were a couple of hours late, but they got their present.” Garrick then reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, his expression dimming. “They sent something back for us this time.” He tossed it to Xaden.
Xaden picked it up, a frown already forming as he turned the envelope over in his hands. The paper crackled as he broke the seal.
The change was instant. His whole body went rigid. In a single breath, the man you’d been laughing with vanished, and in his place was Xaden Riorson, the son of Fen Riorson, the leader of a secret revolution with the weight of Aretia on his shoulders.
You had no idea what the letter said, but your stomach turned to stone. A cold pulse climbed your spine, and dread clawed its way up your throat. You pulled away from Xaden, your heart already fracturing as you searched his face. “What does it say?” You asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
Xaden didn’t answer right away. When he looked up, his eyes met yours, and it hit you like a punch. Disbelief, hopelessness, duty, regret and underneath it all, that cursed, beautiful four letter word. “It’s from Tecarus,” he said, the words thick in his throat. “About the deal that was made when I was younger.”
Your heart plummeted. It was like the floor had been ripped out from under you.
“Deal? What deal?” Garrick asked from somewhere behind you. His voice sounded distant, like it was underwater, as the world tilted on its axis.
“To marry Catrionia.”
You should have known. It was too easy. Too good. You were too happy. If you’d learned anything in this life, it was that you didn’t get to have anything happy. It was always going to be taken away from you.
Xaden saw it, felt it, you were unraveling. “I didn’t think - I thought when my father died it was off -” He reached for your hand.
You flinched away before his fingers could touch yours.
“Well, then tell him it's off.” Garrick said, like it was that easy. Like it didn’t feel like the sky was caving in.
“It’s not that simple.” You said, your voice as raw as your breaking heart.
“Why not?” Garrick asked, though his voice was quieter now, uncertainty creeping in.
You gave Xaden a small, broken smile, blinking hard against the tears. “Because if Xaden marries her, we get the luminary.” You swallowed, voice barely holding. “We can make enough weapons to protect our home.”
Silence wrapped around the room like a noose. You could feel the war raging in Xaden, torn between his duty and his feelings for you. He cared about you, he cared about you so much. That was never the problem.
But this was your home, and sometimes that beautiful, yet unforgiving word wasn’t enough. Not when people were dying.
Xaden said your name, soft, like a prayer, and his voice was thick with so much emotion you couldn’t sort it all. But you knew what was coming. You knew.
You were already shaking your head as you rose from his bed. “You should do it.” Liar. Don’t do it. “It’s what’s best for Aretia.”
He surged to his feet. “I don’t give a fuck about Aretia if it means losing-” He reached for you again.
You took another step back. Another inch of distance you didn’t want but needed. If he touched you, you’d fall apart. “You’re not losing me, and home comes first.” You tried to smile. It trembled and fell apart halfway.
This time when you stepped back, Xaden didn’t follow.
You stepped past Garrick, who stood frozen, eyes flicking between the two of you, helpless and hollow. “We can figure out another way-” He started, but even he didn’t sound convinced.
“You know Tecarus won’t go for that.” Your voice cracked. You turned back to Xaden as the first tears spilled down your cheeks. “Protect our home. That’s what’s most important.” You felt yourself fracturing, splintering into shards you couldn’t hold together. Not here. Not in this room where ten minutes earlier he’d been holding you in his arms like you were the most precious thing in the world to him. “I’m going to go to Imogen’s, okay?” Your voice was faltering. “You two can . . . start working on the terms.”
Xaden said your name again, his voice cracking on it - as broken, as lost as you were.
You ran.
You ran as if your body might shatter if you didn’t reach Imogen in time. As if distance could save you from the ache blooming in your chest. When you made it to her room, and she opened the door, you threw yourself in her arms, unable to hold yourself up any longer.
“Woah - hey, what happened? Are you okay?”
You opened your mouth, but no words came. Not a single sound. You just shook your head as the tears poured, hot and relentless, down your face.
And then, through the bond - gentle and warm, like a balm on a wound - came Ailith’s voice. “You will be alright, my fierce one. You are not alone.”
She was right. You weren’t alone.
But your heart was gone, still in his hands. Hands that now had to belong to someone else.
——————————
“I’m starting to think this is personal.” You said, spitting blood out of your mouth - and maybe a tooth?
He scowled, pulled back, and swung. “You don’t deserve to be here, traitor.” He spat, yanking your head back so hard you were afraid for a second he snapped it.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” You rasped, sucking in a breath, and immediately regretting it. Yep. Ribs, definitely bruised. This guy really had some anger issues to work out.
It was obvious now, this wasn’t about interrogation. This was their free pass to beat the shit out of you, and they were making the most of it. They hadn’t asked a single question, nothing about secrets, intel, or loyalty. Instead they had spent their time bruising up every inch of your body. It was so bad that even your squad had taken to protesting.
They ignored them.
Not that it mattered. No punch could compare to the pain of watching Xaden and Garrick leave every weekend, heading off to visit his fiancée. Like you’d never existed. Bile rose in your throat, but you weren’t sure if that was because of your injuries or the thought of Xaden and her.
“Hold strong, fierce one. This is almost over.” Ailith’s voice spoke to you. She tried to keep her voice calm for you, but it was impossible to hide the underlying rage. She’d been keeping you sane during this. Well, her and your general numbness.
Your friend leaned in, his breath hot against your ear. “Tell me,” he whispered. “How does it feel to know you’ve been abandoned? First your family. Now your boyfriend.”
That stung. That stung more than you cared to admit. It was obvious to the entire quadrant that you and Xaden were no longer a thing. He wasn’t at your side always anymore. There were no more possessive touches. It had been months, and you couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled at you. The man you’d once always been able to depend on was now turning into a stranger. All you had left was Imogen, who probably wanted nothing to do with your depressive ass, and Garrick, caught in the middle, too loyal to both sides to choose one. Bodhi still checked in now and then, but it always felt . . . obligated. Like maybe Xaden had told him to.
Because try as you might, you could still feel the protectiveness rolling off him every time you crossed paths.
Not that it was doing much good now. Gods he’d be pissed if you made it out of this.
“Personally, I think it’s what you deserve.” The man continued, his smug smile making you want to knock his fucking teeth out.
“That is enough.”
Ailith’s voice rang down the bond like thunder.
So much for restraint.
His fist froze mid air, held back to throw another punch and his eyes widened as he looked at you.
A smirk tugged at your busted lips. “You forgot the one who’s still with me. And she’s as sick of your shit as I am.”
Ailith’s voice spoke in your mind. “Tell that pitiful excuse for a rider that if he touches you again, I will tear the wings from his dragon’s back, and grind its bones into dust, Empyrean be damned.”
“Pretty sure I don’t have to. He looks about two seconds away from pissing himself. What did you do?”
“The blood of his dragon tastes foul,” Ailith purred, “But the satisfaction? Divine.”
“Interrogation’s over. Get out.” He shot you a glare sharp enough to flay skin, then stormed out - door swinging open behind him like a white flag.
Your head dropped forward, and the last of your strength drained away, leaving you weightless and aching. You felt a couple of your squadmates working at your bonds, but it was too much effort to try and keep your eyes open. “I’ve called for help.” Ailith murmured, her voice softer now, gentled by pride. “You did well, fierce one.”
“That was fucked up.” Alastair muttered from your right.
“They didn’t even ask anything,” Elara said, her voice tight with anger. You assumed they were the ones lifting you up.
“I’ve got her.”
“Tavis? How the hell did you get here-”
You let out a gasp of pain as Garrick picked you up into his arms. “Sorry, half-pint.” Garrick murmured, adjusting his grip as you winced. “I’m trying to be gentle.”
You weren’t sure what caused it. It could have been the use of your nickname, the exhaustion, the pain . . . All you knew was that suddenly you couldn’t breathe. “It hurts, Garrick - all of it hurts.” Your voice cracked as hot tears slipped down your cheek. You buried your face in his neck, clinging to him with the only arm that still worked. It was all too much.
“I know.” He said quietly, his voice strained with pain. “Let’s get you to the healers.”
The next few hours were a blur. Even the healers seemed shocked at your appearance and got to work. Garrick didn’t leave your side, but others joined him, Imogen first, then Bodhi, all looking furious.
However, none of them came close to the storm that tore through later that night.
Dinner had just been served. Nolon was, unsurprisingly, still missing when the doors slammed open and shadows erupted. Xaden stormed in with absolute fury in his eyes, and once he spotted you, it deepened. People scrambled back from him, making his path to you easy. “Who?” His voice was low, deadly calm, jaw clenched, shoulders coiled like a snake waiting to strike.
Of all people, he was the last you could handle seeing right now, too much pain, too much unfinished. “It doesn’t matter.” You whispered, turning away from him.
“Yes it does.” His fingers touched your chin, and you flinched away.
You felt the hurt rolling off of him. “Ailith took care of it.”
“It’s my job to take care of-”
“No it’s not.” You told him, reaching down to yank the collar of your shirt down so his mark, the scar you bore for him, was on display. “My job is to protect you, and I did that by staying strong in there so I can be alive to do it another day.”
You heard someone gasp, but since none of them knew about the scar until right now, you couldn’t be sure who it was.
Xaden’s eyes flared as his gaze darted to that exposed skin. The reminder of what you shared. Then he looked back up to meet your gaze. “I gave you space, because I figured that’s what you wanted.” He stepped closer, his voice hardening. “That’s over. I’m not letting anything like this happen to you again.”
It was what you wanted. How could he not understand that? Couldn’t he understand how badly it hurt? “Xaden, I don’t want-”
“I don’t care.” He snapped, his voice sharp enough to cut.
Your mouth dropped in disbelief.
“I’m keeping you safe, whether it’s with me or one of the others.” Xaden said, his voice leaving no room for argument. Before you could even begin to protest though, he had started walking away.
“You’re being an asshole.” You muttered.
“I’ll be whatever I need to be as long as it keeps you alive.” Xaden replied over his shoulder.
What you needed him to be was the one thing he couldn’t.
Almost as if he’d heard the thought, Xaden turned back. The look on his face, raw, exposed, stole your breath.
Then he was gone.
You wanted to run after him. But what good was chasing a future already promised to someone else?
——————————
“How long do we have to wait?” You asked, kicking a rock forward
Garrick kicked it back to you. “I say we give it another hour then take off.”
“Thirty minutes.” Xaden said, tense and unreadable as he stared at the sky like it had personally offended him.
“Won’t see any argument here.” You mumbled, returning the rock to Garrick who grinned at you.
You hadn’t wanted to come. But everyone Xaden trusted to stay with you was tied up with flight maneuvers or training. So here you were - outside the wards, wasting time with Garrick and Xaden, waiting on fliers who clearly weren’t showing. You glared daggers at Xaden’s back.
“Looking at me like that won’t get them here any faster.” Xaden said, still not turning around.
“I hate when he does that.” You said, ignoring him and looking at Garrick instead.
He wiggled his eyebrow at you. “It’s creepy, isn’t it?”
Ailith’s voice cut through the conversation. “The fliers have arrived.”
You stood up, tension in your bones as you heard the wingbeats of the gryphons started to fill the air. You had been on one of these meetups, but they still made you anxious.
You weren’t the only one on edge. Garrick and Xaden both stood stiff as boards.
But as all the fliers landed, a new emotion started showing itself.
The tension snapped into something sharper - anger.
You glanced over at Garrick, confused, but his jaw was tight, and his eyes locked, as if avoiding looking at you at all.
Then you looked at Xaden. Same fury, same focus, locked on one particular flier.
A beautiful one.
But you didn’t let your gaze linger on her, instead turning back to Xaden. It was easy enough to read all the emotions past the anger. Duty. Shame. And beneath it all, disgust.
Why would he . . .
“Xaden.” She said, with a blinding smile. She went straight to Xaden, her black hair shining in the light as she pressed a kiss to his cheek like they weren’t surrounded by silence thick with tension.
A kiss he clearly didn’t want.
And everything fell into place. You now knew exactly who she was.
“What the hell are you doing here, Catrionia?” Xaden asked, pushing her back without hesitation.
“She insisted.” A voice answered, stepping forward. “Since you haven’t visited except for these drops the past month.” The resemblance to Catrionia was unmistakable. Same eyes, same cold smile. Definitely family. She glanced down the line of you, pausing on your face. “I don’t know this one.” She said, raising an eyebrow.
“And you don’t need to.” Xaden snapped.
But you spoke your name over him anyway.
His jaw tightened.
Catrionia’s eyes snapped to you, sharp and calculating. Menace curled off her like smoke.
You raised an eyebrow. Oh. Oh. You felt her. Slithering along the edges of your thoughts, pressing like icy fingers against the door of your mind.
“Say the word and I will flay her alive.” Ailith growled, her fury shaking the forest itself.
You expected to feel rage. Hatred. Jealousy. But instead, all you felt was clarity.
Because you could feel how Xaden felt about her - and there was nothing. No love. No longing. Just a sense of duty, brittle and tired.
And from her? She saw him not as a partner, but a conquest.
You couldn’t have him, but at least you knew he loved you.
That would be enough. It would have to be.
“Xaden’s mentioned you.” Catriona said, her smirk slicing through your thoughts.. “Not very often, though.”
Well yeah, you wouldn’t talk about your ex to your fiancée either. Then you felt her again, playing at the corner of your mind. “Fliers do mind work, right?” You asked, glancing at Garrick. “What can she do?”
Catrionia’s eyes flashed. “That’s none of your-”
“She can intensify emotions, but only ones you already have.” Xaden cut in, his eyes locked on you like he expected an explosion.
But you wouldn’t. Because the emotions you were feeling right now were regret, and pity. “You want me jealous, angry, but you can’t get there.” You offered her a pitying smile. It made her seethe.
“I’m not doing-”
You rolled your eyes. “Yes, you are. I can feel you scraping at my shields.”
She narrowed her eyes.
You continued anyway. “I may not be able to manipulate emotions, but I can sense them. That means when I look at Xaden, I can feel everything he feels about you. And when I look at you, I can feel everything you feel about him.”
You could feel the shock radiating from Xaden and Garrick, but you ignored that for now.
“So no, I’m not jealous. I already know where I stand with him, and it’s a hell of a lot closer than you’ll ever be.”
Catrionia might get his ring, might get his last name, but you had his love.
And that was worth everything.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check on Ailith before she decides to make you her dinner.” You said, and turned your back, walking away from the party.
“That was almost as entertaining to watch as you taking down those cadets at threshing.” Ailith rumbled, full of pride. “Even Sgaeyl is amused.”
Well, that might be your biggest accomplishment to date.
“You have a second signet?”
You hadn’t even heard him come up behind you, but you weren’t surprised that he did. You turned around to face Xaden, wrapping your arms around yourself. The bold girl you’d been moments earlier crumbled inside of you, buried under the weight of everything you couldn’t say. You nodded.
He looked hurt, “and you didn’t tell me?”
You didn’t respond.
Xaden took a step forward, and gods you wanted to back away, but he was like an addiction, a craving you could never detox from. “When did you manifest?” He asked, those onyx eyes drilling into your soul.
Of course, the one question that hurt the most. You stared past him, into the trees, willing the memory not to swallow you whole. “The first night we . . .” You swallowed, pain tightening your throat. “At first I thought it was me, just how much I felt, but then I realized . . . it wasn’t. It was hard to differentiate between my emotions and other people’s at first. Not so much now.”
“This whole time . . . “ Xaden stepped closer, his voice caught between fury and disbelief. The two of you were in touching distance now. “When you told me to marry Cat - you knew that I love -”
“Don’t say it,” you whispered, stepping back as heat flooded your eyes, tears you didn’t want to shed. “Please don’t say it, Xaden.”
“But you know it!” He insisted, and you inhaled sharply as he grabbed your elbows, tugging you back to him. “If you know it, why can’t I say it?!”
“Because then I can’t pretend!” You choked out. “I can’t lie to myself if I know you know!” You swallowed, willing yourself to get back under control before speaking again. “When you stand on that altar in however many years,” you rasped, “and I’m sitting in the crowd, watching, because you had to choose her . . .” Your fists struck his chest, once. “You’ll still be everything to me. Always.” Another blow, softer this time. “And I’ll pretend. I’ll pretend you don’t know. That you pushed it down. That you’re doing your duty like I told you to, because that’s the only way I’ll survive it.”
Xaden’s hands cupped your cheeks. “Don’t I get a say? You won’t even let me try to choose you.”
You shook your head, the weight of your love for him pressing hard against your ribs, “because I know you would, and I’m never going to make you choose between Aretia and me.”
Xaden leaned forward, his forehead resting against yours.
Every instinct screamed at you to melt into him, to let him hold you together like he always did, to forget Aretia, the war, the cost - but you didn’t. You couldn’t.
Aretia had to come first.
He sighed, his thumbs brushing away tears you didn’t know you were shedding. “I can read intentions.” He hesitated, as if saying the words alone might cost him. “It’s my second signet.”
He could read intentions? Of a person? Gods. If he could do that . . . it was practically an inntinnsic. It would get him killed.
“You’re the only one that knows.” He added.
Your heart stuttered. He hadn’t told anyone? Not even Garrick? You clutched his shirt tighter, like maybe that could hold the truth between you. “I won’t say a word. Xaden, I swear no one will know-”
“I know.” Xaden interrupted. “I trust you. I’m telling you because that’s why I’m not on my godsdamn knees right now fighting for you . . . because I already know you’ve decided you’re not worth choosing. Not over Aretia. Not even for me.”
He was right. There was nothing he could say that would make you change your mind. Your home was worth so much more than you.
Xaden pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, and you closed your eyes and let the emotion behind it soak into your bones. “I wish it could be different.” You whispered.
He exhaled, long and quiet. “I wish you’d let it.”
——————————
The air felt wrong.
Not in any obvious way, but in the prickling, bone-deep way that told you something was about to go sideways.
The scary part though was that there was no reason for it to be. There was no rogue activity, no wards that had been breached as far as you knew. It was just another weapons drop, routine as it came. So why did your spine feel like it was trying to crawl out of your skin?
Why did you feel so anxious?
You glanced over at Xaden and Garrick who were having their own conversation a few feet away. They didn’t seem to notice anything odd. Was it you? Were you being paranoid?
“It is not just you, fierce one.” Ailith’s voice reassured down the bond.
Your stomach dropped. If Ailith felt it too, then it wasn’t nerves. It was something real, and real meant dangerous.
“You’ll let me know if you see anything weird?” You asked her.
She scoffed. “You know you don’t need to ask.”
You turned your attention back to Xaden and Garrick, tapping your fingers against your thighs until you couldn’t control it anymore. “How much longer?”
They both turned to you, Garrick rolling his eyes. “We’ve been here for ten minutes, half-pint. They’re not supposed to get here for another fifteen.”
But Xaden, Xaden knows your body better than anyone, and his eyes shift to your hands, still tapping against your thighs. He looks up and meets your gaze, jaw tensing. “What's wrong?”
Before you can even respond, Ailith’s voice enters your mind again, sharp and urgent. “The fliers have arrived.”
You brush off his concerned look. The fliers are here. You can finish this drop and get the hell out of here. You forced your voice steady. “Nothing, let’s hurry up.”
Then the fliers stepped through the trees, and every alarm in your body went off.
You’ve been to enough of these drops to recognize the small groups of fliers you always end up trading with. The groups might change, but there’s always at least one familiar face.
Here there are none.
Then the emotions. You cracked the door open to Ailith’s power and they came rushing in. Hunger. Greed. Thrill. As you looked at each of them in turn though, one emotion stood out among all the others.
Malice.
You glanced at Xaden, but he wasn’t looking at you. You knew his body too though, and you watched as his hands clenched into fists, showing the underlying tension. You had no doubts he was reading their intentions, and with the way he shifted, a step to the left, between you and them, you knew. He didn’t like what he saw. “Who are you? Where’s Syrena?”
You stood up, letting the weeds by the trees creep forward towards the unwelcome company, while you watched Xaden’s shadows do the same.
“She got a little . . . tied up,” said the man in the middle, his grin all teeth and venom. “Sent some of us on without her.”
Xaden’s arms crossed over his chest, and his voice was like a blade. “She knows we only deal with her.”
“Yeah, well . . . we’re not here to make deals.” He said, taking a step forward, slow and smug. “We’re here to take. Whether it be weapons . . .” His eyes drifted to all three of you, pausing once he met yours. “Or lives.”
For a second, you felt it, Xaden’s rage boiling in your chest like it was your own, then -
“Now!” Xaden barked, and the world exploded into motion.
Shadows surged, vines lashed, and Garrick’s gusts howled like war drums.
It was a blur after that. You and Xaden tripped them with creeping weeds and writhing shadows while Garrick hurled them backward with blasts of wind. You thought it was going to be quick. The three of you moved like you were one weapon, and the six of them didn’t stand a chance.
Then a flash of brown -
A rune arched through the air and struck near your feet.
Pain detonated inside your skull, sharp and blinding. A high-pitched ring screamed through your head.
You crumpled, hands flying to your temples, your knees slamming into the dirt. The world twisted and wobbled. The sound blocked out everything else. All you could think about was ending that pain, now. You forced your eyes open only to find yourself blanketed in a wall of dense, coiled, and trembling shadows.
Xaden.
Even now, with all six of those fliers out there, he was protecting you.
You could barely think, but your heart cracked open all over again. You had to make it stop. You couldn’t do anything until this debilitating ache was gone, and you had to protect Xaden. He was going to burn himself out if he had to keep this shield over you and fight.
You clawed your way through the fog in your mind, searching for the sparkling bond between you and Ailith, and you yanked.
The roots obeyed your call, inching closer and closer through the Earth until they found the rune and wrapped around it. The power that held it together was strong . . .
But so were you.
You dug deep, teeth clenched, fingers curled into the soil. You picked at the seams, found its weakest joints, and -
Snap.
The silence after the ringing was louder than the pain. You dropped, boneless, heart thudding in your ears.
“FIERCE ONE!” Ailith’s voice pounded into your skull.
“I’m okay,” you rasped, or maybe you thought you said it. You allowed yourself one breath, then two. “Are you coming?”
“The trees are too thick, but we’re getting as close as possible. Sgaeyl has suggested burning the forest down-”
“No,” your voice cut in fast, firm. “We don’t need the attention. We’ve got this.” You staggered to your feet, bracing against a nearby tree as the world tilted, then steadied.
“Say the word,” Ailith hissed, “and the whole place burns.”
You didn’t doubt her, or Sgaeyl. Even Chradh would probably love to assist. So if you didn’t want this whole operation to be found out, you had to get out there. Now. Taking one more deep breath, you took a step through the shadows, feeling them caress your skin as you did.
Garrick was holding off two of the fighters. Xaden had three. That wasn’t going to work.
You cracked the door wider to Ailith’s power, the ground answering with a guttural tremor. Roots erupted from the ground, fast, violent and hungry. Two fliers, one near Garrick, and one flanking Xaden, were snared mid-swing. You clenched your fists, and the vines did the rest.
Their necks made the same sound the rune did.
Xaden glanced at you, a flicker, but the relief in his eyes gutted you. Then the shadows behind you collapsed inward, pooling like ink before surging forward. They wrapped around his last attacker’s throat like a noose.
Xaden didn’t hesitate. One step forward. A blade driven clean through the chest.
Garrick dispatched his with brutal efficiency and moved to your side.
You closed the door on Ailith’s power, your skin hot with overuse, and fought every urge you had not to fall to the ground.
“Took you long enough,” Garrick muttered, breathing hard, but there was a grin tugging at his mouth.
“Fuck you,” you said, still breathless, but you gave him a weak smile.
Garrick smirked, placing a hand on your shoulder as his eyes swept over you. “You okay?”
You nodded. “Will be. As soon as we find out how those assholes knew we would be here.”
Then everything fractured.
A twig snapped.
Xaden’s head jerked toward the sound - toward you.
Shadows burst from him in an instant. One set yanked Garrick back. Another lashed past you, but -
-Xaden didn’t wait.
He tackled you, a hard blur of motion and panic.
Two roars echoed through the forest, loud and unmistakable ones of your dragons.
The two of you hit the ground hard and rolled. Your ribs ached. Dirt filled your mouth. You clutched him close, not knowing what had happened, just that you still had him, until the world stopped spinning and he was under you.
“Xaden?”
He didn’t respond.
You scrambled off of him. “Xaden, you fucking idiot! Why would you-”
He wasn’t moving.
“No. No. No. No-” The words cracked out of you like glass breaking.
You touched his face, fingers trembling as they pushed back sweat-damp hair, the other resting on his hip, right under his armor. You couldn’t find a wound, any blood, but hidden in his hair, you found a bump. You dropped your hand to his neck, searching -
There. It was there. Fainter than you wanted, but it was there.
He was alive. Unconscious, but alive. You were going to kill him when he woke up. He was going to get the biggest fucking lecture . . .
But then awareness creeped into your bones that something still wasn’t right.
Your hand was wet.
You pulled it from his hip, the red staining your skin, and glanced frantically at Garrick who had bypassed the two remaining fliers Xaden had killed to pick up a dagger, its silver blade covered in red. “Garrick . . .” You said his name like a prayer, a whisper, even though it felt like you were screaming. “Garrick!”
He was at your side in a second, eyes locking on the wound your hand was pressing over. “Shit, shit, shit -”
You shoved the panic down, swallowed it whole. There wasn’t time. Xaden was alive. He was still alive, and you had to get him out of here to a mender fast. You were responsible for him and you’d be damned if you let Malek take him like this. “Garrick, you have to get him out of here. Now.”
Garrick shook his head. “Xaden will fucking kill me if I leave you here-”
“And I’ll kill you if you don’t take him right now. Do you understand me? For the love of Amari, get him out of here and to a mender now.” Your voice was sharp as steel. “Don’t argue. Go.”
He stared at you a second longer, but then nodded.
Together, you lifted Xaden and helped get him onto Chradh so Garrick could get him to a mender faster. Garrick mounted behind him.
You watched as they flew off. Sgaeyl followed close behind.
You watched your heart vanish into the sky.
Only then, when he was gone, when the adrenaline burned off, and your body remembered the pain did you collapse.
Ailith, settled beside you, folding her wing over your body to shield you from the world, as if even the forest didn’t deserve to witness your unraveling.
“I told him not to choose me.” You whispered, voice cracking. “I told him, and then he -”
“Maybe, fierce one,” Ailith said softly, her breath a warm balm against your numb skin. “Choosing you is not a choice he gets to make. Maybe his heart has already made it for him.”
She leaned closer, her voice a gentle hush. “Just as your heart has chosen him.”
——————————
As you stumbled into the healer’s quadrant, dozens of hours later, limbs aching and mind frayed, you couldn’t help but be thankful it was the weekend. That meant no classes. No Battle Brief. You couldn’t have sat still through one even if you tried. Not without knowing how he was.
Your eyes scanned the room frantically, not unlike they had right after you had crossed the parapet so long ago. It took you seconds to spot Garrick, standing sentinel at the end of Xaden’s bed.
You didn't even think. You bolted, shoving through any people that were in your way. “Is he okay?” You choked out, your heart hammering so hard in your chest it felt like it might shatter your ribs.
Garrick pulled you into a tight, grounding hug. “He’s okay.” He whispered into your hair.
Relief swept through your body in a wave, and the weight of it would’ve sent you to your knees if Garrick hadn’t been holding you.
He was okay. He was okay.
You didn’t realize you were crying until Garrick pulled back and gave you the space to wipe your face. His expression softened as he glanced back at the bed. “They gave him something to knock him out. He would’ve been awake by now otherwise.”
You exhaled shakily. “Probably a good idea.” You said with a weak smile. “He’d be storming out of here against healer orders if he could.”
“Bastard nearly took my head off trying to argue with the mender.” Garrick looked back at you then, a small frown forming on his face. “Did you run into any trouble on the way back?”
You shook your head. No patrols, no enemy sightings - just the chaos in your own head, which felt more dangerous than anything else out there.
“Come on. You’ve been flying for hours. Sit.” He led you to the chair beside Xaden’s bed, and you couldn’t even find the energy to protest.
Then you made yourself look at him.
He looked peaceful. It reminded you of the nights that you’d fallen asleep together, and the rare moments when you’d woken up before him. Gods how you missed it. The weight of the world gone from his face as he dreamed, his arms holding you close like his favorite pillow. You’d almost never seen him like that again.
You couldn’t help it. You’d almost lost him. With trembling fingers, you reached for his hand, covering it with your own and giving it a squeeze.
Garrick’s voice broke the silence. “We need to have a talk.”
Well, you had wondered how long it would take him.
You didn’t look up, instead you kept tracing the lines of Xaden’s knuckles with your thumb.
You heard him let out a sigh, and then he slouched down in the seat on the other side of Xaden, stretching out his legs. “You two, especially you, are being stupid and stubborn.” He said, his voice tired.
“You know that’s a trait we share.” You said, shrugging.
“And normally that only gives me a mild headache. Lately it makes me want to bash your heads together.”
You looked at him then, and felt a stab of shame. Garrick had been caught in the middle of you and Xaden’s mess from the beginning, and now this. You knew that it had to suck. “I’m sorry.” You said quietly.
“He didn’t hesitate when that knife started flying toward you.” Garrick’s voice was level, but there was a tightness under it.
“I know.”
“He’d do it every time. You know that right?”
You swallowed. You wish you didn’t know that.
“So this whole, choosing Aretia over you thing? It’s a lie you’re telling yourself. He’s never going to do it.”
“Taking a knife for me isn’t the same as choosing a whole province -”
“It is when he could have died.”
The sharp edge in Garrick’s voice cut you off. That tone, the one he usually saved for idiot cadets who couldn’t follow orders, startled you into silence.
“That dagger was meant for you.” He said, quieter now, but more dangerous. “And he still took it. That’s choosing you over everything.”
You looked away, throat burning. He was right. You knew he was right. Xaden would have taken that dagger for you over and over again without hesitation, like you would for him. “I can’t - I don’t know how to make him stop.”
“For the love of Amari, you can’t!”
You jumped. Garrick never yelled at you.
He scrubbed both hands over his face, dragging in a breath like he needed to stay calm. This time when he spoke his voice was more even. “He’s in love with you. He has been for ages. I know you know that, and I know he knows that.” He leaned forward, his gaze steady and unrelenting. “I want you to ask yourself one thing: can you make yourself stop loving him?”
The question hit you like a slap. It wasn’t something you’d ever considered. You didn’t have to. There wasn’t a version of this life, or any other, where you didn’t love him. You were always going to.
Your voice cracked as the truth clawed its way out of you. “Why . . . Why would I even try?”
“So you wouldn’t have to be miserable for the rest of your life, because half-pint-” his eyes softened. “That’s what you’re resigning yourself to if you can’t make yourself stop loving him.”
You glanced down at Xaden again, tracing the lines of his face with your eyes. Gods he was so beautiful, too beautiful to be hurt because of you. Your heart stuttered at the thought of even trying not to love him.
“I - I can’t.” The words burst from you, raw and unguarded. “Garrick, it'd be like losing a lung. I wouldn’t be able to breathe-”
He gave a grim nod. “Maybe you’re okay living like that. But are you okay with making him live like that?”
The words sank like a dagger straight into your ribs.
“You’re responsible for him right?” Garrick said, pointing to where the scar on your chest was hidden. “Then stop being selfish,” His voice didn’t rise, but it cut. “Stop pretending this is about duty. Start thinking about his happiness. Because I’ll tell you something right now, Xaden is fucking miserable without you.”
The air vanished from your lungs. You never wanted that. You never meant to make him miserable. You thought . . . you were helping. Instead of being torn between you and Aretia, you took yourself out of the equation. You convinced yourself that he would move on. That he’d settle, find some measure of peace with Cat.
But it had been months, and you knew he still felt the same way about you. It hadn’t dimmed at all.
He still loved you. He hadn’t moved on.
And neither had you.
“And I know you’re miserable without him. Godsdamn you two are my best friends and deserve happiness more than anyone I know. Fucking take it.”
“Gods will you two stop arguing already?”
The voice was rough, gravelly with exhaustion, but you’d know it anywhere.
Xaden’s eyes were open, and he was looking at you with a softness you didn’t deserve.
Relief tumbled through you like a wave. Gods for a moment you thought you’d never see those eyes again. It took everything in you not to crawl into that bed and bury yourself in him, but you hadn’t earned that.
“I wouldn’t call it an argument.” You said, forcing lightness into your tone. You glanced at Garrick, gave him a faint smile, then squeezed Xaden’s hand. “More like a lecture. Fitting since you’re about to get a hell of one.”
Xaden groaned. “Figures.”
“Well, honey bear, I’m going to leave you to that.” He said, reaching out to squeeze Xaden’s shoulder. “Have to tell everyone why they haven’t seen your pretty face today.”
“Or you could not.” Xaden replied.
“And miss the chance of lining up more lectures for you? No way.” He replied, but then the teasing look on his eyes faded somewhat and his tone turned more serious. “I’m glad you’re okay, man.”
Xaden gave him a nod, the kind that said more than words ever could. “Me too, brother.”
Garrick ruffled your hair as he passed, earning an eye roll that you didn’t really mean. His hand lingered for a moment longer on your shoulder, and then he leaned in close and muttered just for you, “Fix it.”
Then you and Xaden were alone.
There was silence for a minute while you stared after Garrick, but then your breath caught as Xaden threaded his fingers through yours. Your eyes fluttered closed at the sensation. You couldn’t remember the last time he’d held your hand like that. You had forgotten how perfectly his fingers slotted between yours, like they’d been made to fit. How could you have ever thought you could give this up forever?
A tear slipped down your cheek before you could stop it. You swallowed hard, trying to hold back the rest, but Xaden squeezed your hand, grounding you.
“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice soft in the morning light.
You laughed. A choked, incredulous sound. You turned back to him, a look of disbelief all over your face. “Did you seriously ask me that after you took a damn dagger for me?”
He shrugged. The bastard shrugged. “He was aiming for you. I stopped it from happening. I’ll be fine as soon as I get out of this damn -” Xaden then started moving, slinging his legs over, and you didn’t miss the wince when he did.
You shot to your feet, placing your free hand on his chest. “Xaden Riorson.” You snapped. “You have been stabbed. Keep. Your. Ass. In. This. Bed.” You said, pushing on his chest with enough force to make him lay back down.
Xaden sighed, and closed his eyes like a man surrendering to the inevitable. “All right. Go ahead and let me have it. Tell me how pissed you are.”
“Pissed?” you echoed, your voice rising. “Pissed?! Xaden I was terrified!”
The words burst out, and once they did, the dam broke.
His eyes opened again, watching, listening, and you couldn’t stop.
“You have no idea how that felt. You could have died! Gods, I couldn’t breathe when Garrick flew off with you! What if he didn’t get you there fast enough? What if you died? What if I lost you, and it was my fault -”
Xaden shook his head. “It wouldn’t have been-”
“Don’t bullshit me.” You snapped, your voice breaking. “You almost died for me. Despite everything I’ve done to you. Despite the fact that I told you to put Aretia first over and over again-”
“And I’d do it again.” Xaden interrupted, firm. “And again, and again, if it keeps you breathing.” Xaden sat up, using his grip on your hand to tug you closer. “I’m not living in a world without you.”
Gods the way he said that. Like it wasn’t a decision - just the truth. How had you ever doubted him? How had you convinced yourself he’d choose anything, but you, when you’d give up everything for him?
You sat down on the bed, bringing his hand to your chest so his knuckles brushed against where your scar for him was. “And you think I’m okay living without you?”
Xaden’s eyes dropped to where his knuckles brushed the fabric hiding the mark that tied you to him. Then he met your eyes again, and the flash of grief you saw there nearly shattered you. “Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do?”
You didn’t want to admit it, but he was right. You had been trying to push him out of your life without even realizing it. You thought it was for a noble reason, making him keep his focus on Aretia instead of you, but . . . a part of it was hoping that if you kept him at a distance, it would dull the ache of missing him. But it hadn’t. It never would.
And you didn’t think you had the strength to push him away again.
You shook your head, bringing his hand to your lips and pressing a soft kiss to it. “Not anymore.”
Xaden’s hand cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing away your tears, gentle, reverent. “What are you saying, love?”
“I told you once not to say that,” you whispered, your breath catching.
The smile he gave you, soft, wicked, and adoring, should’ve come with a warning. It melted every part of you, and the box in your mind, the one that stored all of your favorite smiles of his, cracked open after the longest time of being shut. “Yeah, I’m not hiding it anymore. I love you. And I’m done pretending I don’t. I’m ending the deal with Poromiel. I won’t spend another moment allied with people who threatened you, and I sure as hell won’t marry that throne-chasing manipulative viper.” He said, and you couldn’t help but let out a strangled laugh. “So the engagement is off, no matter what you’re about to-”
“-I love you too.” You blurted, cutting him off. “Gods, I love you so damn much, and I can’t take another day not being able to call you mine-”
He didn’t let you finish. Xaden’s hand slid from your cheek into your hair and pulled you into him, his mouth crashing into yours like it had been aching for years.
Oh gods. You had almost forgotten. You’d almost forgotten how perfect his lips were. How they obliterated every thought from your mind.
How they felt like home.
You clutched him closer as he deepened the kiss, desperate to keep him there as you let yourself drown in him, the mint and leather smell, the heat of his body, the delicious taste of him. And you couldn’t help but ask yourself, how could you have ever let him go?
He slipped his tongue in your mouth, and you moaned, which caused the horrible reaction of him pulling away. He didn’t go far though, his lips still brushing yours as he spoke. “You make that noise again, and we’re going to traumatize half the Healer’s Quadrant.”
You leaned forward, nipping at his bottom lip and grinning at the growl that he made in response. It heated your whole body. “Mhmm, promise?”
Xaden shook his head for a moment, and the smile he gave you would have made you collapse if he wasn’t already pretty much holding you up. “You’re such fucking trouble.” He murmured, and then distracted you with kisses down your throat.
Gods maybe you should’ve helped him sneak out of here before you had this conversation.
This time when he pulled away, your eyes were closed, but you opened them again when his gentle fingers found your chin, tilting your head to look at him. “Before you go sweet talk a Healer to get me out of here so I can take you back to your room and make up for months of not fucking you, I want to make something clear.”
Gods, he was going to destroy you, and you couldn’t wait. You bit your lip, nodding for him to continue.
“You’re not leaving me again.” he said, his voice low, but unyielding. “Not for Aretia. Not for another man -”
“As if anyone could-”
He silenced you with a thumb to your bottom lip.
“Not even for Malek’s godsdamned doorstep. I will follow you. Always. You are mine, love. I won’t let anything take you away from me again. Especially not you. Understand?”
Your heart felt like it was going to explode out of your chest at the sincerity in his tone. There was no doubt that he meant every word he said, and honestly? Being by Xaden’s side for the rest of your life? Rebuilding your home together like you’d always wanted to?
You couldn’t imagine anything happier.
“Yours,” you whispered. “Until the end of time, Xaden Riorson.”
