some people think writers are so eloquent and good with words, but the reality is that we can sit there with our fingers on the keyboard going, “what’s the word for non-sunlight lighting? Like, fake lighting?” and for ten minutes, all our brain will supply is “unofficial”, and we know that’s not the right word, but it’s the only word we can come up with…until finally it’s like our face got smashed into a brick wall and we remember the word we want is “artificial”.
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she just joins in on a conversation and everyone turns to her and is like "?? what are you doing here??" and it turns out she's not even been invisible half the time and they show clips from previous episodes where the camera turns to her just observing from the corner and deciding she wants nothing to do with the shenanigans and literally none of them have noticed
The Intrepid Heroes And How They’d Do On Taskmaster
Brennan
Big Ed Gamble energy. This man comes in with a lust for victory and nothing to lose
The de facto leader in team tasks, barring any mutiny from his team members
Often wins tasks because of an exploited loophole
Might win the series, except if Greg and Alex decide to torture him (very likely)
Lou
Will cause problems on purpose to get things done
Creates the iconic melodrama of the series (a la Oh No My Baby and Took)
Loses at least one task because his is so committed to a bit
If he and Brennan are a team, they are unstoppable. If he and Brennan are with one other person, he may stray and create some James Acaster/Phil Wang/Rod Gilbert-esque shenanigans
Ally
Best task outfit 100%
Makes Alex do something that absolutely ruins his day at least once
Always commits, rarely succeeds (would definitely try to hide aubergines by eating them)
Finds loopholes where there are none
Siobhan
The competent woman that gets ignored in team tasks
You know that compilation of Mel Giedroyc every time she says ‘brilliant’? That but ‘fuck’
If you give her a puzzle task she is out of the room in 5 minutes
She an Emily have the best studio fits (they would def both wear tuxes to the finale like Rose Matafeo and it would similarly destroy me)
Murph
The pathetic man of the season (affectionate)
Put together for the first few tasks and then something in him snaps
Alex Horne is the enemy and is not to be trusted
Injures himself at least once
Zac
Quietly brilliant
Casually finds the hidden easy solutions like it’s nothing
Will occasionally derail his own success just for fun and/or to annoy Brennan if they’re on the same team
Done with Alex’s bullshit at all times
Emily
Just there to have fun
The best person to have on your team in team tasks
Given a secret task to break her down a la Mel Giedroyc, it does not work
Finds solutions to the tasks that nobody considered, the bane of Alex’s existence
pairing: wally clark x reader oneshot (second person pov - she/her pronouns used for reader - occasional use of Y/N)
warning(s) : mild language, mentions of death, canon character death, mild angst, fluff
word count: 3.5k words
⭑•⊱✩masterlist✩⊰•⭑
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summary: adjusting to the afterlife was easy at first, but when something stirs up emotions you need a shoulder to cry on
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“This… is so embarrassing,” You groaned as you looked down one last time at your own body as it was zipped up into the bag to be carted away to the morgue.
“At least you know how it happened,” You recognised the voice immediately and turned to see your missing classmate, Maddie. The two of you hadn’t exactly been friends, but you’d worked together during class enough to just awkwardly nod and smile in acknowledgement whenever you passed one another while out and about. Sometimes a stray “hey” would be thrown out there, but that was about it.
“Oh shit, we’re really dead, aren’t we?” You groaned as you scanned her outfit. It was what she had been wearing the day she disappeared. Something in you had hoped she was still out there, alive, but that was clearly just wishful thinking. The words she had said sunk in suddenly. “You don’t know what happened to you?”
“Not a clue,” She sighed. “So I guess you can count yourself lucky.” You turned your head as there was some commotion behind you, only to catch one of the paramedics stumbling slightly and dropping the stretcher that carried your body.
“Yeah… Lucky is definitely what I’m feeling right now…” You shook your head as the paramedic tried to pick you up again, only for his hands to slip a second time. The third time was a charm as they finally hauled your body through the fire exit in the cafeteria to the waiting van outside. “What sort of idiot chokes to death on a blueberry? I mean, I don’t even like blueberries! They ran out of chocolate chip muffins, so I figured the lemon and blueberry would be fine.”
“If it helps, you died really quietly and gracefully,” Maddie shrugged. “No one even noticed until your face was purple and you were on the floor.”
“Surprisingly, that doesn’t help,” You sighed as the lunch ladies started to clear the tables of abandoned trays when the teachers ushered everyone out.
“It was really impressive how far the blueberry launched when they did try to do the Heimlich manoeuvre on you,” You noticed the boy with glasses behind Maddie for the first time when he spoke, your mind having been preoccupied. “It’s just a shame it was too late.”
“Thank you, person I don’t know,” You tilted your head as you assessed him. “I’ll be sure to submit the results to the dead council of blueberry launching.”
“I’m Charley; I died in the 90s,” He held his hand out for a handshake, which you hesitantly took.
“Y/N; died 10 minutes ago,” You scanned the room again as you let go of the handshake. “So, what? Are we stuck here forever or something? Kind of a bummer.”
“Until we cross over,” Charley explained and motioned for you and Maddie to walk with him. “Come on. We’ll introduce you to the group.”
“The group?” Your eyes widened as you trailed along after the two. “Jeez, I know I used to joke about how much of a death trap this school is, but for there to be an entire group of dead people seems a bit extreme.”
“It’s not like a huge group,” Maddie explained, glancing back at you as you walked. “Half of them don’t even talk.”
“But not everyone ends up with the group. There are some people stuck reliving their final days over and over again,” Charley added. “The group is to hopefully help avoid that from happening.”
“Trust me; I won’t be reliving today,” You shuddered. “I’m never touching a lemon and blueberry muffin again. In fact, I’m never touching a muffin again- actually, no, that’s too far. I don’t have to punish all muffins because one betrayed me- wait, can I even eat muffins anymore?”
“Yes, you don’t really need to, but it's nice to feel normal sometimes,” Charley confirmed with a sweet smile. He pushed the door open to the gymnasium, and your eyes landed on the small circle of people sitting on white plastic chairs in the corner.
“Urgh, I’m getting flashbacks to group therapy,” You mumbled, trying and failing to suppress a grimace.
“You’re gonna hate this; it is exactly like group therapy,” Maddie laughed a little, but it was more of a sad, knowing laugh.
“Better start pulling out my old excuses for not attending,” You dug back in your mind to find one. “I’m so sorry I can’t attend today, my goldfish just died, and I need to hold a Viking funeral to honour him.”
“Wow, people are really dropping like flies in this school,” A girl dressed in black spoke up as the group turned to look at you. “How did you die?”
“Rhonda, we’ve been over this,” An older-looking man chastised her before standing up to greet you. “I’m Mr. Martin. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group?”
“I wouldn’t exactly say I’d like to, but I suppose I probably should if I’m going to be stuck here,” You sighed and turned to the group while Charley and Maddie took their seats. “I’m Y/N, and to answer your question,” You pointed at the girl who Mr Martin had referred to as ‘Rhonda’. “I choked on a blueberry which, I know, sounds embarrassing but also is embarrassing. I died to a fruit whose name is a lie because they’re more purple than blue, almost as purple as my face apparently went when I croaked it.”
“Right… well…” Mr Martin seemed almost put off by your brashness as you spoke. “I must say, you’ve adapted to being dead remarkably well. It usually takes people at least a few days to accept it.”
“My dad used to say that I’d never make it out of high school alive with an attitude like mine,” You sighed and lounged back onto the only free chair. “And he claims to have never been wrong about anything, so I prepared for this.”
“Sorry, I’m late, Mr M!” A taller boy came charging through the door. “I saw them carry a body bag out and wanted to find out if they had found Maddie, but it was apparently just some girl who choked on a muffin. Do you think she-”
“A muffin would never betray me like that,” You looked up as he froze when he spotted you. “It was the demon blueberries hiding within like a Trojan horse.”
“That’s my seat,” He pointed at you, a small pout on his face.
“What’s wrong, jockey-boy?” You teased. “Not feeling strong enough to go and get another one?”
“Don’t tease him, Y/N,” Maddie laughed as the late arrival ran off to grab a chair. “He’ll end up making us all sit on chairs while he weight lifts them.”
“That’s not a joke. He’s done that before,” Charley added.
“On seven different occasions,” Rhonda rolled her eyes as the guy lifted up five chairs at once and turned with a proud grin on his face.
“Now juggle them!” You called out. A grin spread across your face like wildfire as you watched him seriously consider doing it.
“Wally, ignore her. Sit down,” Charley instructed. You could tell he was holding back his laughter.
“Blueberry is going to be trouble. I can already tell,” Rhonda smirked as she took the lollypop out of her mouth.
“Oh god, please don’t let that be my nickname,” You groaned, putting your head in your hands. “I should have said that I choked on a tiger or something.” Wally placed his chair next to you and sat down on it.
“How would you choke on a tiger?” He asked, looking confused as he pondered it.
“Wait- No! No, no, no! That would imply I was su-” You were cut off by Mr Martin speaking up again.
“I think it's best if we change the subject,” He smiled an awkward smile as he desperately tried to prevent you from continuing that train of thought. “So, Y/N, this is the Split River Afterlife Support Group. We hold meetings to talk through our thoughts and feelings and plan fun activities together.”
“We’ve got enough people now that maybe we can watch something other than the same five movies Wally insists on,” Charley smiled as Wally opened his mouth to protest, but Mr Martin cut him off before he could.
“Let’s start with the basics first, shall we?” He looked around for approval but received nothing but a couple of uninterested nods. “Y/N, while you have seemingly adjusted remarkably well to the afterlife, it may help you to write an obituary. I have some samples that you can review if you need them.”
“Sure, I’ll write one,” You shrugged. “I was born, existed for a while, then I croaked it. Done.”
“It’s more for you to talk about your achievements in life,” Mr Martin tried to explain, but you brushed it off.
“The biggest achievement I have had in life is that I have 6969 hours on The Sims 4,” You scoffed.
“I don’t know what those words mean, but if that’s what you want to write about, then you are free to,” He seemed taken aback by your attitude.
“No social life, baby,” You did the rock horns with your hands as you spoke.
“We can change that!” Wally swung his arm over your shoulder. The moment you flinched, he pulled away sheepishly with a muttered ‘sorry’.
“The man baby is still learning the concept of personal space,” Rhonda waved her lollypop over in Wally’s direction.
“I’m really trying,” He held his hands up in defence. “There’s just no personal space in football.”
“One of the many reasons I hate football,” As soon as the words left your mouth, Wally took a sharp intake of breath as though he’d just been physically slapped.
“I am going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that so we can still be friends,” He took a deep breath as though he were calming himself down. “People like different things, and that is perfectly fine.”
“I didn’t say I liked other things, though. I just said that I hated football,” You teased, watching him intently for a reaction.
“Y/N, don’t antagonise him,” Maddie sighed, putting her head in her hands. She could recall the multiple times you’d been sent out of class for egging people on. You just couldn’t help yourself when the opportunity presented itself in front of you.
“But look at how cute his little red angry face is!” You protested, pointing at Wally as the red deepened and his eyes widened. “Oh my god, his embarrassed face is even cuter! Look at it!”
“Seriously, blueberry, you might wanna stop before he breaks out in hives,” Rhonda looked mildly bemused as she smirked at the sight.
“Well, I uh… Think we may have derailed a little here,” Mr Martin tried desperately to grab everyone’s attention again. “Let’s get back to what we were doing…”
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As great as Maddie and Charley had been when it came to showing you the ropes, the biggest help had come from Dawn.
Dawn knew everything and everyone. She knew who you were before you even introduced yourself. She even knew your phone passcode and social media handles, which you decided not to linger on the thought of too long, or you’d get weirded out.
“You sure you don’t want to come with me to the group today?” You asked her as you finished braiding her hair. You’d managed to weave in a string of fake flowers, so she looked like a real flower child of the 70s. In life, you’d never been the sort to hang out with friends, braiding one another's hair and gossiping, but Dawn brought that out in you. It was a nice change.
“No, the class coming out of the theatre are so forgetful. They always leave goodies,” She smiled and hopped down from the lockers, holding her hand out to help you down, which you gladly took.
“Oooh! Save me some mints, please!” You pleaded, pulling her in for a quick hug before you went your separate ways.
While walking down the halls, you tried to ignore the “in memory” poster of you pinned to some walls. The picture that had been used wasn’t great, but you knew it was one of the only ones your dad had access to. He didn’t have social media, and physical pictures got lost over the years. You knew he had done the best he could, but you wished he could have let someone else design it.
“Hey, blueberry, been painting nails with your new bestie?” Rhonda caught up with you, one of her usual lollipops poking out of her mouth. She’d never tell you where she got them from.
“Braiding hair, actually,” You let out a little snort laugh as you saw the disgusted look on her face. “You’re free to join us! You’d look so cute with a flower crown.”
“I’d rather die again,” She groaned, but you could see the smallest smile she was trying to hide. You pushed the doors to the gymnasium and walked over to the circle of chairs, taking the one you’d grown accustomed to over the week you’d been dead, right between Maddie and Wally.
“Right, now that everyone is here,” Mr Martin stood up and looked around at everyone. “Let’s get started.”
The session went on as normal, you didn’t participate all that much, but you managed to beat Wally 2 - 1 in thumb wrestling while no one was looking. The session was unfortunately cut short when the doors opened, and a group of people started filing in. You recognised most of them but got caught up when you saw your dad.
“It looks like your memorial is about to start,” Charley said as you watched your dad help some teachers set up a picture of you. It was the same one that you hated, in a frame that really didn’t match it.
“We’ll cut the group short here,” Mr Martin announced. Everyone got up and started to clear their chairs away. Wally grabbed yours while you stood and watched the people in what was once your life settle down for the service. The other ghosts split up, some filing out of the room, others going to the viewing gallery. You just stayed where you were standing, watching everything unfold.
“Should I leave you alone or-” Wally had returned back to you once he’d put the chairs away. Next to Dawn, he’d probably become your closest friend in death. He was like a puppy in all the best ways and very fun to tease.
“Stay,” You whispered, grabbing onto his arm. “Please.” Using your grip on his arm, he guided you over to the bench on the sidelines. You were close enough to hear and see everyone but far enough away not to feel like you were caught up in the crowd.
“Is your family here?” Wally asked, leaning closer to you than usual so he could whisper. You could tell he was trying to be extra gentle.
“See that man in the leather jacket who looks like he’s just been pulled straight out of a motorcycle gang?” You pointed in the direction, and Wally nodded. “That’s my dad.”
“Wow,” He seemed both shocked and impressed. “What about your mom?”
“She’s in the locket he’s wearing around his neck,” You explained. “Well, some of her ashes are anyway.”
“Shit, sorry,” Wally apologised, wincing at himself. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s fine, really,” You did your best to smile to show you were okay, which was unsurprisingly difficult to do at your own memorial. “It was a long time ago.”
The two of you sat in comfortable silence for a moment as you waited for the memorial service to begin, but something caught your attention.
“I’ve never seen him cry before,” You watched the tears silently roll down his face, trying to hold back your own. You hated crying. You felt weak for it. You knew he hadn’t meant to, but your dad had drilled that lesson of crying equals weakness into you from a young age because he would never cry or comfort you when you cried.
“Not even when your mom died?” Wally asked. You felt his eyes on you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to look anywhere but the podium where your dad was preparing to talk.
“Maybe, but I wouldn’t know,” You shrugged. “I was only three, so I don’t remember it. I don’t remember her at all. I would always pretend I did to make him happy, regurgitate the same stories he’d tell me of her as though they were my memories, but I don’t remember her at all.”
“So, was it just you and your dad?” Wally had shuffled slightly closer to you. You hadn’t even realised you were still holding on to his arm, but you didn’t let go of it.
“That’s… complicated,” You sighed, finally pulling your eyes away from the podium, only to briefly glance at Wally before returning back. He was looking at you intently. You didn’t have to look long to know he was genuinely interested in learning about you. “My dad was- is- in and out of jail a lot. I ended up in foster homes every other month, but he always managed to get out and get me back again… I know that sounds bad, but… He was a good dad. He did his best with what we had and made sure I was always happy when I was with him.”
“My daughter Y/N was… the best kid I could have ever asked for,” You held your breath as your dad finally began talking. His voice was gruffer than usual. He’d been crying for a while. It broke your heart even more. “I won’t stand up here and say that she was a good kid because if you knew her, you’d know that was a lie.” People laughed at this, and you saw a small smile appear on your dad’s face. “She was a troublemaker. I take full responsibility for that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. She would always encourage everyone to do what made them happy, even if it got them in trouble, but she would always take the fall if it did. I used to call her Robin Hood because she wouldn’t take the jacket off her own back if you were cold; she’d find someone with two jackets and steal one for you.” People laughed again, and you couldn’t stop the tears from falling anymore. As quick as they appeared, Wally had leaned over to use the sleeve on his other arm to wipe your face for you. You couldn’t look at him, so you just squeezed the arm you still had hold of as a sign of appreciation.
“My life will never be the same without her. No one to colour code my wardrobe from black to darker black. No one to blast ABBA in the car and sing at the top of their lungs. No one to sit on the roof with in the middle of the night and point at all of the different constellations. Y/N was the light of my life, and now I’m lost in the dark. Wherever she is now, I know she’s causing mayhem and spreading laughter.”
The rest of the memorial was a blur. Teachers stood up to talk about you, and a couple of friends shared stories that you’d forgotten. People laughed just as much as they cried.
Even when it was over, and they were packing up, you didn’t move. You’d let go of Wally’s arm so he could leave, but instead of leaving, he wrapped the arm over your shoulders and pulled you towards him into a hug.
That’s how you stayed for a long time. He held you while you cried, the weight of being dead finally hitting you.
At some point, you must have fallen asleep because the next thing you knew, you were on a couch in the teachers’ lounge with Wally sitting on the floor next to you, flipping through a book. He practically dropped it when he noticed you stirring.
“Morning,” His voice was calm and peaceful, the perfect alarm clock. “I hope you don’t mind. I figured the bench wasn’t the nicest bed, so I carried you here. Dawn stopped by with some mints earlier, and I will admit I did take one, but to make it up to you….” He reached over to the coffee table and produced a CD.
“ABBA Gold, Greatest Hits?” You read the CD through your still sleepy eyes.
“Yeah, when your dad mentioned that you would sing it at the top of your lungs, I knew I’d seen a copy, so I went looking for it,” He handed it to you, and you cradled it carefully as though even breathing on it would break it. “I hope it’s okay.” Instead of answering him, you acted impulsively, as usual. You leaned forward and pressed a feather-light kiss to his cheek as a thank you.
“It’s perfect.” You smiled at him, the grin that spread across his face giving you hope that, even in death, everything was going to be okay.
a/n - uh oh besties... I have a new obsession... get ready because I already have another wally clark x reader in progress
hey sorry we put your boyfriend on a show where the game changes every time. yeah he has no idea what game he’s about to play. but he’ll be fine once he realizes the only way to win is by learning, the only way to learn is by playing, and the only way to begin is by beginning. yeah actually we’ll be beginning without further ado but you can pick him up after. sorry again.
This episode was called “A warm heart and a tombstone” and it was named after a bit by Pinocchio and included the party all being silly and unhinged on toy island and next episode will probably be called something like “splishy splashy” and include a TPK.
brennan’s tone as grandma while ylfa describes a caterpillar chasing a butterfly is the exact tone he takes when he’s trying to understand hilda hilda and it’s the axford effect. it just is.
also, my personal favourite, “as HIM? you disguise yourself as the dwarf doing this?” “your first thought to get this guy to stop was to be HIM? HIM AS WELL?”
Have you ever wondered how Dimension 20’s Intrepid Heroes (+Aabria) would react to being told “I’d die for you”? Because my brain would not allow me to rest until I shared my thoughts on the subject.
Hey sorry we put the wolf who turned you into a werewolf in the fucking stew. Yeah we sauteed some aromatics and tossed him right in there with some stock and hearty vegetables. It's kind of erasing him from every timeline and alternate dimension right now. Sorry.
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk
blakekathryn
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