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“Mrs. Hudson next door has a detective!” - Mrs. Turner to John Watson, who’s house sitting while Daniel and Toby are off on their honeymoon.

kitten-kin

I bet the misunderstanding could go on forever… XD

John: Oh, I met Sherlock this morning.

Mrs. Turner: Oh dear, was he dreadful to you?

John: No, not at all. A bit standoffish at first but then he seemed to warm up to me.

=====

John: The flat’s lovely; I’m already dreading moving out. Met a neighbor already, haha. Someone named him Sherlock, if you can believe it.

Mike: Oh! Your friends live on Baker Street, then? Yeah, I know Sherlock. What did you think of him?

John: A little bit of an arsehole, but gorgeous enough to make up for it.

Mike: ((Damn Watson, came back from the desert thirsty, did we?))

shiplocks-of-love

John: When I give Sherlock food, he sniffs it and promptly ignores it.

Mrs Turner: Oh, he’s always been like that. Eats next to nothing. Don’t know how he survives.

John: Yeah, I thought he felt a bit thin, to be honest.

Mrs Turner: *eyes John suspiciously over her tea cup*

daziechane

John: Sherlock is such a cuddlebug. Whenever I sit down he’s right there rubbing on me.

Mrs. Turner: *drops her teacup*

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John: He makes such an unholy racket sometimes.

Mrs. Turner: Oh dear me yes. Mrs. Hudson’s always going on about the property damage, you know.

John: I think I found his off button last night though. Rubbed his ears a bit and he passed right out in my lap, practically drooling.

Mrs. Turner: *chokes on biscuit*

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chocolamousse

LESTRADE: So, did you find Sherlock the other day?

JOHN: Oh yes, he was just rummaging through a skip.

LESTRADE: He often does that. I know he has good reason but it’s a bit unhygienic.

JOHN: I know but I didn’t feel like scolding him, he looked so happy chewing this fish bone…

LESTRADE: *chokes on his pastry*

*****

MYCROFT: Doctor Watson, I heard that Sherlock has some… behavioural problems these days.

JOHN: Well, it’s true that he tends to pee all over the flat.

MYCROFT: *spits out his tea*

JOHN: It’s not worrying, he’s just marking his territory! As long as he remembers to bury his poo…

MYCROFT: *has a minor heart attack*

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John: He’s started leaving me…gifts, I guess you could say.

Lestrade: Oh yeah?

John: Found a dead bird on my coffee table. Gave me a bit of a start.

Lestrade: Ha! He’s just warming you up, mate. Wait until he leaves a human hand in your teacup!

John: o_O|||

=====

Mrs. Turner: Well, it seems my John is getting along quite well with your Sherlock!

Mrs. Hudson: Oh that’s wonderful! With the way that poor lovesick boy goes on about his new neightbor, I was wondering when he’d make a move.

Mrs. Turner: Mmhmm. I was just nipping upstairs with a bit of tea but I turned right back around when I heard John giving your Sherlock the most adorable earful~ All “who’s my beautiful boy” and “aren’t you gorgeous”. Oh! It gave me the flutters, I tell you.

Mrs. Turner: holy shit

morganeuk

@chocolamousse @kitten-kin

A day later…

Ms Hudson: Oh hello Doctor Watson, I hear that you go along well with Sherlock!

John: yes, really nicely I think. Don’t know why everyone is so surprised! He’s a bit of a loner but he’s always happy when someone picked him up.

Ms Hudson: you… You sharing him?

John: Of course, I mustnt keep that goodness to myself!

Ms Hudson: I… I know that we’ve got a lot of different kind in the neighborhood… But… Okay.

kitten-kin

Y'all are giving me life~♡

Mrs. Turner: Oh John. I’ve left you a meat pie in the oven. Mrs. Hudson’s invited me out. A little girls night out, you know~ *titter*

John: Ta, Mrs. Turner. I won’t be home for dinner myself actually, but I’ll put it in the refrigerator for tomorrow.

Mrs. Turner: Oh, a date with Sherlock, perhaps? Ohoho~

John: How’d you know? *laugh* Yeah, I’m taking him over to Molly’s to meet Minnie. She’s calling it a Pussy Play Date, haha~

Mrs. Turner: (⊙ヮ⊙) …

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JOHN: Sherlock is so fastidious about his hygiene! When he’s not up to his neck in a skip, I mean. I love watching him when he takes care of his hair, it’s so relaxing.

MRS HUDSON: Yes, he’s always been scrupulous about his looks. It’s so cute that he lets you watch him!

JOHN: Well, he doesn’t mind my seeing him when he relieves himself, so…

MRS HUDSON: Oh. That’s… Oh.

JOHN: I think he overdoes it sometimes, though. I hate when he spits out hairballs.

MRS HUDSON: what

*****

MRS TURNER: So, how did this, er, Pussy Play Date go?

JOHN: We all had a great time! It was so lovely to see Sherlock and Minnie rolling on the rug and nibbling each other.

MRS TURNER: Holy cow.

JOHN: Anyway, I told Molly about Sherlock’s occasional weird behaviour.

MRS TURNER: Oh John, I’m so glad you mention that because Mrs Hudson and myself are a bit worried and—

JOHN: She thinks we should have him castrated.

MRS TURNER: oh MY goD WhaT KiND of doCToR Are yoU

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John accidentally murders Lestrade…

shiplocks-of-love

Lestrade: So, erm, did you end up buying a collar for… for Sherlock? *clears throat*

John: Yeah! But it didn’t quite go as I expected.

Lestrade: *cringe* Oh?

John: Right, so I put the collar on him, yeah? At first he looked like he was enjoying it but then he just flopped on his side and wouldn’t move.

Lestrade:… Christ, John, is he okay?

John: *laughs* Yes, yes, he was just being a drama queen. Took it off, gave him a little slap on the bum and there he went!

Lestrade: *gapes incredulously*

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Molly Hooper is where the intersecting social circles of Sherlock and John tighten dangerously. Like a noose.

Sherlock: So…does John ever mention, um…me?

Molly: Oh dear, I’m sorry, Sherlock, we usually just chat about work and our cats.

Sherlock: His…cat. *confused that she’s not confused* And what is his cat named?

Molly: Oh, I don’t know actually. John was poking fun at me for calling Minnie all sorts of cute names and baby talking her, you know, and started calling his cat things like “mad bastard”. It’s a little inside joke of ours now.

Sherlock: *bangs head against microscope*

Molly: Don’t be sad, Sherlock. We’re just friends. Tell you what; I’ll ask John next time I see him, if he’s seeing anyone or if he’s got a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Later…

Sherlock: *bursts into morgue* Well?!

Molly: *jumps and screams and upturns Mr. Grimsby onto the floor*

Even later…

Sherlock: Yes yes I’m very sorry and I’ll be more careful about startling you in the future now tell me what John said!

Molly: Oh Sherlock, I’m so sorry. John’s definitely bi, but he’s already set his heart on someone. Went on and on about how sweet and gorgeous he was; I didn’t really see a good opening to suggest he give you a chance.

Sherlock: …oh. All right. *smol sigh*

Molly: Some bloke named William he met recently.

Sherlock: WHAT

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SHERLOCK: John. (He clears his throat.) John, I talked to Molly and… There’s something I should say. I’ve meant to say always and then never have. I might as well say it now. (He inhales deeply) Sherlock is actually a human’s name.

JOHN: Sorry?

SHERLOCK: John, I am Sherlock.

JOHN: You mean, metaphorically? Like, you’re a gorgeous creature who enjoys lounging on the sofa and would love being petted?

SHERLOCK: No, not metaphorically at all, don’t be ridiculous, I—

JOHN (softly): Because I’d pet you, you know. I mean, if you wanted me to.

SHERLOCK: …

JOHN (freaking out): Oh my God I’m so sorry it’s a misunderstanding can we just forget what I—

SHERLOCK: YES I TOTALLY MEAN METAPHORICALLY.

***

Damn, Sherlock was so close. Will he ever manage to tell John the terrible truth? And will we ever know the cat’s real name? To be continued in our next issue! :D

kitten-kin

SHERLOCK YOU MESSED UP YOU REALLY REALLY MESSED UP 🚨🚨🚨

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SHERLOCK: John, being the genius that I am I deduced that you might think I’d enjoy being petted like a cat. The truth is, I’d just like you to pet my hair.

JOHN (nervously): Don’t worry, I got it, I’ll scratch you between the ears and I’ll rub your chin and everything, er, Kitty.

SHERLOCK (pointing at his head): I mean my locks! I’d just like you to stroke my locks. I think that would, er, help me think.

JOHN (discreetly kicking the bagful of cat toys he’s just bought under the sofa): Thanks God.

*****

(Fifteen minutes later.)

JOHN (getting the bag back): Sherlock! Come here! Come and see all the treats I have for you!

SHERLOCK (bursting in): Did you buy ginger nuts?

JOHN: What? No, why?

SHERLOCK (realising his blunder): Never mind.

JOHN: Did you think I was talking to you?

SHERLOCK (making a strategic retreat): I have no idea what you’re talking about.

JOHN: *narrows his eyes in a suspicious way*

noadventureshere221b

It just keeps getting better

morganeuk

Sherlock (not aware that John is close): Sherlock, you idiot! How could you be so stupid. Just TALK! It’s not that complicated! (Looking at the cat) If it was as easy to be honest with John as it is to you Henry, (petting the opportunist) yes yes I love you darling.

Later…

John: I think nothing can happen with your tenant, Ms Hudson.

Ms Hudson: oh no… Why?

John: He is a bit too crazy and really don’t like cat. And… He’s in love with another guy.

( @kitten-kin it is never going to end! NEVER!!)

kitten-kin

( @morganeuk Henry! Perfect. XD )

John: *petting the cat on the balcony* So um…Henry.

Sherlock: *startles* Y-you know. ((Is he mad that I didn’t say something earlier? No, he’s nervous. Why is he nervous? Oh God, did he overhear me? Oh God, how much of it did he overhear?!))

John: *blinks at how shocked William seems* ((Shit, he doesn’t think I’m some homophobic arsehole, does he?)) Hey, it’s fine. It’s all fine. I was just curious, um…how long?

Sherlock: ((…? Oh! How long we’ve had Henry at 221B.)) I’m not certain, really. I suppose it’s been at least three years now. He just wandered into our lives one day and never left. ((Like you, John…wonderful John, walking out onto the balcony and right into my heart~))

John: ((Oh wow, that’s a long while…and look at that loving smile. Henry, if you’re not the best boyfriend in the world I will find you and beat your unworthy arse into the ground.)) *chuckle* Not certain? Not much for anniversaries, are you.

Sherlock: *panic!on the balcony* ((Does John think anniversaries are important to romance?!)) I…I could be! It will be two weeks exactly since we first met, tomorrow at 7:35pm!

John: Really? Damn, time got away from me. Dan and his husband will be back soon, and I haven’t even sorted out where I’ll be living next. *looks down at the cat and rubs his ears*

Sherlock: …

John: *quietly speaks to the cat, though the sentiment is in truth all for William* I’ll miss you Sherlock…I don’t think i realized until just now how mu–

Sherlock: *grabs balcony railing in a death grip* MOVE IN WITH ME!!

John: ?!??!! *accidentally squeeze-grabs the cat in surprise*

Henry: MROW?!

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JOHN: But… What about Henry?

SHERLOCK: What do you mean, what about Henry?

JOHN: Well, won’t he be, you know, a bit jealous?

SHERLOCK (laughing): Jealous of what? On the contrary, he’ll be delighted to have two persons here instead of one to stroke his belly and scratch his back! Sometimes he comes and he wants to sit down on my lap and have a cuddle but I’m too busy with a case or I’m not in the mood and then he gets grumpy. You’ll do the cuddling!

JOHN (horrified): This is a bit too modern for me.

SHERLOCK: What, having a flatmate?

JOHN: Oh. A flatmate. Yes, of course, you want me as a flatmate. (He sighs and looks down at the cat to avoid “William”’s eyes.) Will you still let me pet you when I have changed flat, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK (cheerful): Of course I will! I’d be lost without my petter.

JOHN: What? I was talking to Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: *realising that he is wrong, wrong, wrong! And that John, for some inexplicable reason, still thinks that Sherlock is the cat’s name and in this case who does he think Henry is OMG OMG* I THINK I HEAR MRS HUDSON CALLING ME SORRY GOTTA DASH.

JOHN: But she’s gone for the even—

SHERLOCK: *slams the door behind him*

JOHN: *narrows his eyes in a suspicious way for the second time of the day*

kitten-kin

Moving day~

chocolamousse

JOHN (picking up his phone that’s ringing): Hello?

DANIEL (on the phone): Hi John, it’s Dan!

JOHN: Oh, Dan! Hi, how’s the honeymoon?

DANIEL (giggling): Well, you know, I can’t complain. How’s the house sitting? And how’s our darling boy?

JOHN: It’s going very well and Sherlock is in great form. He was a picky eater at first but now he wolfs down everything I give him. He drinks enough water and I exercise him a bit. We play ball! He’s sleeping near me on the balcony at the moment. He’s beautiful, his hair is so shiny. And I think he really likes me!

DANIEL (a bit baffled): Well, good for you but I was talking about Henry.

JOHN (more than a bit baffled): But… You said “our darling boy” so I thought…

DANIEL: Henry is our darling boy! Everyone’s darling boy in the building, actually. They’re always glad to see him pop in. And this Holmes guy, he can be so hoity-toity sometimes but he’s crazy about Henry. The way he looks at him and cuddles him is so cu—

JOHN: SORRY I MUST HANG UP. (He hangs up and buries his face in his hands with a groan.)

SHERLOCK (popping up on his balcony): John, I was wond— Oh my God what’s wrong?

JOHN: WHY DON’T YOU GO AND HAVE A CUDDLE WITH YOUR PRECIOUS HENRY AND LEAVE ME ALONE! (He slams the window behind him.)

SHERLOCK: *stares at Henry, dumbfounded*

HENRY (staring back): Miaow miaow miaow. (Translation: I love you but you’re a bloody idiot.)

kitten-kin

This is what John sees after he fails to will himself out of existence…

John sighs and opens the sliding glass door, anger and mortification both ebbing away under the double-punch of William (Sherlock?) looking so lost and forlorn, and Sherlock (Henry?) scorning every last molecule in his body with the haughtiness that only a cat could pull off.

Sherlock Henry the cat slipped in with a sneering miaw, but his neighbor remained kneeling on the balcony.

“Get up, whatever your name is,” John said wearily, and to his surprise the man blushed and wrinkled up his nose.

“Um. I can’t. I lost feeling in my legs eight minutes ago.”

John snorted despite himself and crouched down, and with minimal flailing and cursing, managed to eventually dump the gangly git onto Dan’s loveseat.

“Right,” he said sternly, gathering up a bit of righteous upset and crossing his arms. “Why, exactly, did you tell me the cat’s name was Sherlock?”

Nearly a full minute ticked by, and after a slideshow of uncomfortable expressions flickered over the brunet’s face, the man finally mumbled,

“I’d assumed you were talking to me.”

John frowned and tried to think back to what he’d said that first day. He hadn’t known anyone else was out on the balconies, so he hadn’t actually asked anyone the question. He’d just spotted the lovely creature sunning itself and…

Hello beautiful boy, what’s your name?

John tried, he really did, but after only three seconds he gave it up as a bad job and burst into laughter. The man on the couch - Sherlock, apparently - flushed darker and made a sudden dash for the door. Thanks to military-honed reflexes and Sherlock’s still-compromised circulation, however, John managed to stop him with a hand on his arm and a mischievous grin.

“Hello gorgeous,” he quipped, “I’m John Hamish Watson. Why don’t you tell me your full name? Flatmates ought to know these things about each other, after all.”

===== omake =====

“Oh God I told that D.I. that I worried about Sherlock being on cocaine sometimes, the way he dashes around!”

“You said WHAT?!”

hpswl-cumbercookie

I have died and ascended into elysium

sherlockedcarmilla

This is the best Johnlock post on Tumblr. The collaboration = perfect.

Dan: We can take Henry for the night so you guys can relax. I know how he loves the cuddles. It will give you a chance to pet Sherlock like you told me he likes.

John: *mortified on the balcony* I’m glad you’re back heh. Yeah, I’ll umm… Yeah take him. *hands over the cat*

Sherlock: *yells from inside the flat* John!! I need you! There’s been an accident with the robe.

Dan: Well John, I see you and Sherlock are getting along splendidly. Have fun *winks*

John: *scarlet red* Uhuh *dashes off*

kitten-kin

…holy roly poly John has SO MUCH TO WALK BACK.

kitten-kin

I’m sorry to make this thread even longer but I am convinced that the mistake just…keeps happening, much to Sherlock’s mortification.

ionmakesthebestpasta

John: Obviously you are

Sherlock (muffled): mmmmm

John: If I pet you that wouldn’t be talking, would it?

*Sherlock flushes red and makes room for John on the couch*

John: Good lad *begins scratching*

*Sherlock purrs, unaware*

John, to himself: HEY, so, John, ARE YOU SURE SHERLOCK IS A HUMAN NAME? ARE YOU COMPLETELY SURE? I Am Going To DIE Of A Cuteness Overdose And Nothing On This Earth Can Stop That From Happening

kitten-kin

@ionmakesthebestpasta Ohhh my gosh I love the idea of these two idiots all lovie dovie together on the sofa~♡

sherlockedcarmilla

On a crime scene:

Sherlock crouched looking at the body. He was focused, completely in deduction mode.

Meanwhile, Greg got peckish and pulled out a small packet from his jacket pocket. He popped one candy into his mouth and offered one to John.

“Sugar plum?” John asked, confused that Greg would eat at a crime scene.

“Yes, John?” Sherlock responded turning towards his flatmate.

D.I. Lestrade received CPR that day from Doctor John Watson after he almost choked on a sugar plum.

kitten-kin

@sherlockedcarmilla Sherlock gets stroppy because John “kissed” Lestrade. XD

Mrs. Hudson: Oh, John! Just got back from doing the shopping?

John: Yeah, had to run by the butcher’s and a few other places. Here, these are for you. Sorry for the ruckus last night.

Mrs. Hudson: How lovely! Don’t you want to keep these for yourself?

John: Nah, they’d just get torn apart. I’ve bought a little mint plant for Himself; maybe I’ll manage to nip a few leaves for my tea if I’m lucky. Truth is these are all gifts. He’s having a sulk because I wasn’t paying him enough attention. *chuckle*

Mrs. Hudson: Oh dear. Not too bad I hope?

John: Nah, I’m just getting the evil eye and a warning hiss if I get too close. I’m hoping this box of white mice and a nice treat for dinner will put me back in his good graces. I should go get started on the beef.

Mrs. Hudson: Good luck dear!

Mrs. Turner: *pokes head in* Who is John rowing with; Sherlock or Henry?

Mrs. Hudson: I DON’T KNOW