Maple Demon

Piper - She/They 🐟 If the shoe fish 🐟

[johnnycrass]

faeries are not real but i wish thwy were so i could spray one with raid

[helloitsbees]

harry houdini to his wife after a long exhausting dinner with arthur conan doyle

[whosname]

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

[foxxology]

Why do you care?

Follow up to this from November

[foxxology]

just two noble boys with stage 9 daddy issues and are some degree of dead inside

[tockthewatchdog]

[error-404-fuck-not-found]

used to think it terribly silly (and kinda funny) when fantasy or sci-fi stories would have people refer to major recent historical events as The Flood or The Incident or The Revolution, and im sure historians fucking hate that because it's not helpful or descriptive, but we sure do be calling it The Pandemic

[lostsometime]

Also the new linguistic quirk of just saying “it was 2020” as like. The full end of a story. You say “it was 2020” and everyone knows what you mean.

“I was going to get my masters degree but then it was 2020, so yeah”

“I was cast in a play and then it was 2020”

“my boyfriend proposed but then it was 2020”

[gaystation4]

[glowingghosty]

i don't say this very often so you can trust me when i say for the love of god please unmute

[foxofninetales]

Audio description: Very loud trilling purrring.

[comicgeekscomicgeek]

Very important kitty noises

[teaboot]

I think your cat is probably a dove

[petermorwood]

The cat is ringing, pick up!

[naamahdarling]

....PURRGLING!!!

[sceptixfakemon]

this heatwave fucking sucks how am I going to serve my liege like this

[sceptixfakemon]

im never leaving this hellsite

[sceptixfakemon]

i swear if this is the second stupid sword picture post i make that gets to 10k i'll just go kill someone

[beeeleenn]

today is the last saturday of 2012. reblog now or go @#!*% yourself because you won't get this chance ever again.

[undead-knick-knack]

You can run but you can't hide from your own cursed shadow! (or Thimble!)

[fairycosmos]

good morning to the beaten and the damned only

[beansfrombeans]

[aeoris4lovers]

vaelus saying "i haven't seen a dragon in quite some time" and azune's face absolutely lighting up like a little kid saying "i didn't think they were real!" is the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life

[phineas-and-herb]

journey to the center of candace is 100% candace's fault who the fuck eats a sandwich they find abandoned on the floor of their garage

[phineas-and-herb]

you people are insane so youre telling me if you walked outside your front door one day and saw THIS

you would simply walk over and eat the fucking sandwich no questions asked??????????

[phineas-and-herb]

listen i couldn't take a photo inside the garage because it's not my garage i just put a sandwich in front of the first garage i saw but yOU ARE MISSING THE POINT IT WAS ON THE GROUND. FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG.

and her brothers are PHINEAS AND FERB.

therefore it is of my opinion that candace is Not allowed to be mad at them for the invasion of her large intestine, because SHE ate an unattended sandwich off the FLOOR. thank you for coming to my ted talk, your honor.

[pftones3482]

I fully support your interpretation of this but hang on back up

What do you mean that's not your garage?

OP out here in the wild just putting a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich down in front of random people's houses for a Tumblr post

[baka-monarch]

Op better not be mad when the homeowner comes and eats their grilled cheese sandwich off the ground

[phineas-and-herb]

i can't even really defend myself here because i literally did eat that grilled cheese after i took this picture and that plate was on the ground for easily the same amount of time that isabella's plated grilled cheese was on the ground for BUT to be fair i never took my eyes off that grillt cheese so i knew for a fact there were no little boys in miniture submarines in my cheese. but like yeah

[kiiamn]

How would you know? There could have been little boys in miniature submarines already on the floor, that moved onto your sandwich while you took that picture! Little boys in miniature submarines are an ever present risk.

[11111111111101111111111-deactiv]

#RIP Op

[natadachoco]

This reads like an ancient post but it was written 22 hours ago

[theyellowbrickroad]

i had the best human interaction of all time last night. i was sitting at a bar eating an appetizer and this guy comes up to order a drink and stares at my food and comments how good it looks. when i am drunk i use the word bitch like it is a comma, i plug it into any space in a sentence possible. so naturally the first thing i say to this stranger is, “go ahead and take one, bitch.”

he looks SO shocked and taken aback and goes “what did you just say? how do you know my name?” so i sit there for a moment trying to figure out what the fuck he is talking about, and then go, “…. bitch?” and he looks so relieved and tells me his name is mitch.

i cannot stop thinking about this. oh my god. imagine going into a bar and someone you know for a fact youve never met approaches you and says “go ahead and take one, mitch.” im cracking the fuck up. he looked like he thought this was the fucking truman show

[xyrm-deleted-deactivated2018080]

escaped medical leech

[shadybacon]

There are medical leeches!?

[jesus-lizard-journal]

Yes! They work very hard to get their medical degrees. 

[roachpatrol]

not this one, though. this one’s trying to ditch class. 

[apathy-tied-in-knots]

what was the class, color theory?

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[outermire-deactivated20230210]

the perfect gif combo

[wuggen]

Heard a car horn today that was tuned to a fifth. Fucked up, kinda delightful

[wuggen]

I want people to understand how jarring this was. Most car horns are either a single tone or two tones somewhere in the neighborhood of a minor third apart:

Visit Original Link

Visit Original Link

Pretty normal rush hour sounds, yeah? But this thing sounded something like this:

Visit Original Link

Fucked up! Didn't even realize it was a car horn at first, I didn't know what the fuck it was! It was weird as hell!

[fictionvssleep]

[veltroxx]

unexpected sounds can really shift your whole perception of a space.