there's no winning

i'm kaleb. i kinda just post my poetry and feelings here. go away. all poems and prose are my own intellectual property (unless otherwise stated) and may not be used without my express, written permission. do not steal my words, they are all i have.

[kalebquast-blog]

wish i wrote instead of thought

for all the gold that's been said only within the confines of my mind would do much more good out in the world than echoing behind my skull

[kalebquast-blog]

I've been drinking a lot lately and have only written this I guess that's something the liquor justifies itself.

[kalebquast-blog]

what's so hollow inside of me that i can't figure it out that i cant help but come back again and again to this thought this need this god damn hole in my centre that is messing me up and making me miss so much what are you?

400

[kalebquast-blog]

I know I say I hate the distance, and I do, I do. I do. but I keep coming back to you. all the love I've ever felt has been between hearts far apart.

399

[kalebquast-blog]

for the first time I was standing over my mom as we hugged the water boiled in the background and I could sense the shift I would continue to grow and prosper while my mom would begin to age quicker than before. I cried into her hair as I realized I would be caring for her rather than the other way around.

397

[kalebquast-blog]

be stronger than your chemicals you don't need that nice nightly cigarette on the drive home cold air biting your fingers chilling you to the bone but making that cool menthol taste even cooler. ah fuck it tonight's another night.

396

[kalebquast-blog]

i’m scared to care again but i’m getting sick of settling for less than what i want in these almost hollow endeavors because i crave affection and attention more than i have real feelings. i’m selfish, i’m shallow and i care more for the general attention than your specifics.

391

[kalebquast-blog]

what is this feeling when i think of traveling when i feel like going further and further away from the things i know and everything i've seen i don't know what compels me or why i just know most times i like going more than where i end up. i have a gnawing need to go but even so in the slowest way possible. i'm getting out of this place i'll take a train i'll take a bus i'll drive a car, hell, i think i could even take a ship off this continent. i don't know what i'll do when i get there, or where exactly there is, but i yearn for it. i yearn for the newness and i - and i i shake with fear i am afraid, i know. at times, it gets to me, holds me back tries to keep me somewhere warm and familiar. but it won’t win. no matter how daunting the unknown seems, sometimes we just have to do what we are most afraid of.

389

[kalebquast-blog]

there’s this lingering sadness in the back of my chest that keeps on clawing at my centre. it eats at me, at my time, at my soul and continues to render me helpless ⎯ so helpless ⎯ for a moment. it overtakes with fear and it becomes all i think of then i remember to breathe in and out. slowly. slowly. to calm me down. if i don’t breathe i go for a pen frantically, i try to get the words out and in writings’ natural flow a rhythm comes out and i can begin to breathe again.

388

[kalebquast-blog]

think about the hot concrete burning my feet; the first cool breeze of the season occasionally grazing my skin. think of the bright sun, and all the things i’ve got to do today, tomorrow, this whole weekend, the rest of this month and the last of this year. i’ll think of anything except -

390

[kalebquast-blog]

I need to write I can feel so many emotions inside me blundering around making me more confused and distraught with every passing moment. I can't get the words out I don't even know what they are. All i keep coming back to is I don't know I just don't. what is messing me up so bad why can't I create anything but these empty fucking poems that only say how confused I am and nothing else?

395

[ice-nine]

Finally up on Etsy, my Zine! Jay Barry, my bro and amazing artist, and I worked together for most of the summer to create this. We went through over 300 of my untitled poems and Jay selected some to illustrate. It’s only 10 poems, but we’re working on another one (which will hopefully have better poems). I love this thing. Jay’s art is so amazing. He worked so hard. 

We have for sale these 25 LIMITED PRINTS, signed, with a drawing from Jay, and optional personalization from Kaleb (when ya order). These are for $25, and they’re 11x8”, printed on glossy paper. 

If that’s not in your budget (I get it), we’ll be posting the smaller 5x7” color ones on Etsy soon. They’ll be $10. (If that’s still too much, we might make a B&W version for $5.) More to come. Please stay tuned. I love you all. 

BUY MY STUFF?? it’s good for the holidays!??

[mongrelove]

By The Slice. My first collaborative work. I had a lot of fun doing this but it was also a shit ton of work. There was an astounding amount of time put into this- more than I had expected. But I think I learned a lot about zine formatting and finalizing. The large version of By The Slice is now up on etsy and it’s more like a limited edition art book than a zine at this point. The paper quality is great and I’m really happy with the results. 

I don’t know when I will be doing Version II of this, but it definitely won’t be until some sort of break off from school. Maybe this next summer or some time after that. So get this while it lasts because there won’t be another for a while. I will continue making personal zines in the meantime but they will be more of a traditional zine quality and not nearly as nice as these. SO GET EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT.

[kalebquast-blog]

IT'S HERE. IT'S DONE.

[kalebquast-blog]

in idle moments my mind keeps muttering "I want to go home" even when I'm in my room or with my family. home as a sense of security and well being has been displaced. I can create a house in the future and a family too (if i want) but will that sense of security ever return; will home ever be what it was? or do I have to abandon completely this notion of security and embrace the physical suffering and eternal longing for something unnamable that are inseparable from life

393

[kalebquast-blog]

the traffic kills me and i can’t afford the gas as i go place to place and at stoplights contemplate the meaning of home.

394

[kalebquast-blog]

i’ve been kissing around getting frisky and familiar with girls who can’t compare but are here, instead.

386

[kalebquast-blog]

something’s off.
 i fell behind,
 overwhelmed by all i need and have to do. something’s off. 
 i woke up late,
 didn’t even have time 
to make tea and i
 forgot to flush my shit this morning. something’s off. maybe it’s me. 
these words barely provide release and the tears, even less so.   
the cat won’t let me hold her and i’m trying to get sober. i should throw myself into my work 
but something’s off, i can't focus. my mom quit her job, and is moving back. 
i should rejoice, but 
i know what that means. 
my grandmother is dying. 
in a hospital, or in her bed, 
somewhere
 she is dying.

387

[kalebquast-blog]

life is really wearing me down it makes me thinner, weaker and more rotten on the inside with every day that passes.

383