“ 𝐂𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝? ”
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I find myself yearning, sometimes. Hoping, wanting, desiring and even dreaming. Fully aware that I can't, I shouldn't and I am not allowed.
I can come up with, and use, as many excuses as I want yet none of them will be true. I can say that I'm too busy, my job is time consuming, maybe that I'm too lazy or just not ready. I can even say that I'm too old or too bold, or I'm not really interested in being in a relationship.
I can keep going but the thing is… I don't know. I don't know what's the truth, I don't know anything, at all. I am not sure of anything. Not even myself.
I avoid mirrors sometimes, scared of what I might see, or not see. Eyes too tired to even recognise my own reflection, a mind too disturbed to acknowledge there's many things wrong within me. A body too cold to even wish for someone else's warmth. A voice muffled, suffocated by my own thoughts.
Yet I see you. And I yearn, I wish, I hope.
Maybe those eyes will look at me, just for a little longer, maybe you'll turn around and smile at me, and only me. Wishing for those warm hands to hold mine, to caress me with a love strong enough to make me completely addicted. I hope your comforting words and understanding will be directly at me, a soft voice lullabying me to sleep, to break those walls surrounding me, tearing apart all the fears.
I keep dreaming that, one day, you will see me as who I am, help me to comprehend that this void crippling inside of me can be filled with only happiness, joy, bright days and a future worth living. Wishing you will accept every side of me, patient enough to wait for me until I feel comfortable to stop pretending and finally let go of those unwanted thoughts.
I find myself looking at that camera. You're on your phone, talking and smiling so adorable. But it's not me, not yet. You're falling for someone who's so different from me, so far away again. What I yearn for it's not mine, not yet. And I wonder…
For how long do I have to wait? How many times do I have to see you fall in love with someone that's not me? When will it be my turn? When will your eyes look at me only? When will you help me?
I know I am not allowed. I should give up and accept that reality of mine and let it crush me until there's nothing but emptiness. But can you blame me? Am I really not worth being loved?
I refuse to see my reflection on the computer's screen, I refuse to turn off the music. I don't want to hear my own thoughts.
Filthy. Unwanted. Unworthy. Unlovable.
Yet I keep waiting. For you to choose me.
