Yesterday my dad made me see the Minions movie. I knew this was inevitable. He’s been pestering me for over a month to see the minions with him. “Do you want to see the Minions?” “Hey, when it comes out, you wanna see the Minions with me?”. “So… Minions this weekend?”. And those are the simple questions. I cannot tell you how many times he just shouts “banana!!”. My dad is 6′2 and at least 220 pounds. He’s the same age as Disneyland. He turned 60 this year. This huge ass, 60 year old white man just shouting banana. Not only that but whenever he sees Minion merch, he has to point it out. And say banana. You know that poster where you can see the minions’ yellow asses? Yeah he thinks that’s the funniest shit in existence. I want that poster to be obliterated off the face of the planet. Anyways, he finally took us to the Minion movie yesterday. Just straight up, walked into my room, told me to get up. We’re seeing the Minions. Right now. So we went. We went and you know what happened? An hour and a half of the minions talking in their gibberish language while we were expected to laugh. We watched the minions serve evil people throughout history, and they witnessed so much death. I just wish one of the deaths they could’ve witnessed was my own. They don’t speak english, yet they all have names like Bob, Kevin and Stewart. Why. If they’ve been here for thousands of years, then why? They were told to go steal the crowned jewels of England. That’s all fine and all, but they disguised themselves as a woman. They stacked up and put a sweater on, and one of the minions eyes was supposed to resemble titties. Minion titties. I will have nightmares about lifting my shirt and seeing minion eyes there instead of titties. Like three minutes after that scene they break into the Tower of England and encounter some guards. They deal with the guards by hypnotizing them. The minion sings in his own language, and all of the guards, who are very large white men, strip to their underwear and sing along with him while dancing. This sequence lasted for two minutes, but it felt like two years. Then after that there was a mishap, and one of the minions ended up lifting the sword in the stone and because of that, became king of England. This tiny little yellow fuckface that has heterochromia for no reason in particular is worthy to lift the sword. But why would they make him king. Why would that happen. He becomes king and there’s a five minute montage of him and his friends messing around the castle and making the servant’s lives a living nightmare. During this scene is that notorious bath scene. That happens. That’s something my father paid for me to watch, and an animator somewhere in this cruel cruel world was paid to make. Anyways they got in trouble by the lady who told them to steal the crown and she locked them in the dungeon. Her husband, who looked shockingly like the Once-ler, might I add, tried to torture them. But it didn’t work. They treated the noose like a swing. The rack didn’t do a thing to them. It then turned into the minions taking fun torture selfies with the aforementioned once-ler look alike. It wasn’t torture for the minions, it was torture for us, the audience. Eventually the minions get caught, all except Kevin, the alpha minion, and to stop his minion friends form being killed by the main antagonist, he ends up growing to be 300 feet tall and wrecks havoc on the city. He saves his friends from dying by swallowing the missile himself, and then explodes with the main antagonist in hand. And the minions cry, and they start playing taps for their lost minion friend. Finally, it seemed like this movie was taking a turn for the better. They finally killed one of the minions. Sure, they had already killed me in the process, but if I die, one of those alex louis armstrong awful twinkies might as well bite the dust too. But no. He came back. In his underwear, using his overalls that for some reason hadn’t shrunk as a parachute. He was alive. The minions cheered. My soul shriveled up. The minions are then knighted by the queen of England for saving the day. Why, I wonder. They started this to begin with. Sure, they fixed the problem, but they also started it. Instead of using the sword to knight them, the queen should’ve used it to behead them. The crowd cheered. The day was saved, thanks to those tiny yellow gently caress nuts. They even began to sing. Again. I feel like it’s important to mention that the minions broke into song every couple of minutes. By this point I had basically melted into the seat and was close to falling to the floor but I saw no point to sit back up straight. I had no will to move back up in my chair. If gravity and death itself wanted to take me, then so be it. I will accept that fate. Anyways, that was not the end of the movie. Main antagonist came back inexplicably, completely unharmed, and tried to steal the crown one last time. Only to be stopped by child gru, with hair. Sure, he was cute, but we saw Gru as a child in the first movie. He didn’t have hair. Speaking of inconsistencies, he made the minions. This movie had no reason to exist. Anyways, he takes the crown and leaves, and the minions follow him. It’s over. It’s over. My dad had us wait until the end of the credits. Apparently it wasn’t over. We got to watch the minions mess around with child Gru, and in turn, they got to watch all remaining life in my withered husk of a body get sucked out. At the very end, one of the minions sang along with Revolution by the Beatles. That was one of my favorite songs by the Beatles. I don’t want to ever hear it again. That movie ruined me. Every time i see the color yellow, I feel pain. The light of the sun no longer brings me joy. it just reminds me of the inevitable cry I will either hear from my father, little kids, or from those awful creature in ads, toys and videos: “Banana.”
