in which . . . chris helps you through your insecurities
warnings . . . body dysmorphia, insecurities, negative thoughts/emotions about yourself, fluff, angst, crying, comforting, use of pet names, bf!chris.
written by @delilahsturniolo. do not copy, steal, or modify my works. if you are taking any inspiration from this, please ask me first before posting and credit me in your description. happy reading! :)
HIT ME HARD AND SOFT WRITING MARATHON . . . fic #1
you’re staring at yourself in the mirror again. the kind of stare that turns into a search. looking for answers in the curves of your face, the lines under your eyes, the shape of your body that you never really learned how to love. your shirt feels too tight tonight, your jeans too snug, your skin too loud. it all just feels like too much. sometimes, you just don’t look in the mirror because you hate what you see. other times, you just can’t stop looking in the mirror because you hate what you see.
you pull at the fabric like you’re trying to loosen more than just the clothes, like you’re trying to make space to breathe. you’ve got to be somewhere in thirty minutes. chris is already downstairs, probably waiting with that soft smile, the one that makes everyone else melt. you wish you could be one of those people. the ones who melt when they see themselves. the ones who shine.
but you don’t feel shiny. not tonight. you force a smile anyway. a fake one. the kind you’ve perfected. you paint it across your face like armor, something that will convince everyone you’re fine, even him. “you look beautiful,” chris says when you finally come down. he’s leaning against the counter, hair messy in that casual way he never has to try for. you shrug off the compliment with a small laugh. “you’re just saying that.”
“no,” he frowns, eyes narrowing, “i’m not.” you brush past him, pretending to check your phone, pretending to be too busy to let the words sink in. the car ride is quiet. music playing low. your fingers trace patterns on the window, and you can feel his eyes on you every so often, but you don’t look back. you keep pretending. pretending that your chest isn’t tight. pretending that you’re not trying to hold yourself together with invisible thread.
the night is loud. laughter, lights, people who seem so effortlessly confident. girls with perfect skin and perfect smiles, guys who move like they own the room. and there you are, just existing. stuck in your head, stuck in your skin. you catch your reflection in the window and your stomach twists.
you smile again. fake. again. you laugh at jokes you don’t hear. you nod along to conversations you’re not in. chris doesn’t buy it. not tonight. “hey,” he says quietly, pulling you to the side, away from the noise, away from the people. “what’s going on?”you shake your head. “nothing. i’m fine.” his hand gently touches your waist, warm and grounding. “sweetheart…”
your throat tightens. you don’t want to cry. not here. not now. but it’s like once he says it, once he calls you that soft nickname, your defenses start to crack. “i just…” you pause, eyes darting everywhere but his. “i don’t feel good. about me. i hate how i look. i feel like everyone’s staring and judging and..” your voice breaks. “i can’t keep pretending i’m okay.”
not the awkward kind. not the cold kind. the soft kind. the kind that feels safe. chris steps closer, his hands cupping your face so gently it makes your heart ache. “baby,” he whispers. “you don’t have to pretend with me.” your eyes finally meet his, and there’s no judgment there. just love. and pain, like it hurts him to know you’re hurting. “you don’t have to smile if it’s fake,” he says. “you don’t have to shrink yourself to be enough. you already are.”
you start crying before you can stop yourself. he doesn’t say anything. he just pulls you into him, arms wrapping around you so tightly, like he’s trying to hold every broken piece of you together.“you don’t see what i see,” he whispers into your hair. “you never have. but i’ll remind you. every day. until you start to believe it.” you cling to him like he’s the only solid thing in a world that keeps slipping from your hands.
and for a moment, it feels okay not to smile. not to fake it. for a moment, it feels okay to just be, raw. insecure. human. and still loved. he doesn’t try to fix you. he doesn’t say all the cliché things you’ve heard before. he just stays. and somehow, that’s enough. maybe tomorrow you’ll still feel the same. maybe not. but tonight, in his arms, with the music fading into the background and your fake smile finally gone, you feel like you can breathe, and maybe that’s where healing starts. not in changing yourself. but in being seen exactly as you are.
💌: #selfprojection….anyway im excited to post tomorrow’s fic iykyk